A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is a very confused guy who loves her girlfriends of 6 years to bits. However,my Girlfriend finally confessed to me the guy entered her but stopped when she shouted because it hurt. (From the description, I know personally how difficult it is to enter her once at a go.)Prior to telling me, she asked me several times over 3 weeks or so. "Will you leave me If I told you I cheated on you?" My answer was "only if you told me the whole truth before I get to find out myself". If someone should ask me how I feel about this? I'll say I want to vomit. It haunts me so much so that I don't know what to do. We talked till about 12:30am on 1st Feb 2011. It is very sad to know that my "Special" is not so special any more. I'm devastated but just acting like a man. This issue happened about May, 2010. I can't seem to forget. Our relationship has been chequered ever since she confessed to me. So why did she confess? I guess this is what I have not looked at critically. I guess I need to ask her why she confessed to me. She told me half truths, I guess to soften the impact. However, my probing mind has been at work ever since. like a detective, I have obtained some truths. But what can one conclude when she keeps saying the same thing over and over again. Her story seems true. She seems very disturbed when I ask her questions related to this incidence. It's like she wants to forget and make everything seem normal. But how do I forget such an incidence? Again I'm devastated by it. Do I leave her or stay on? There seems a debate as to what to do after such an incidence. (In my case, we've been dating for the past 6 years. We are not married yet just because she is in school.)I need help. Has anyone been in this situation before? What did you do to get out. I feel so humiliated, and depressed now. Life has not been easy since the confession. Pros.1. We've been dating for the past 6 years. everyone knows we have a stable relationship. All our parent's know including almost everyone in the neighbourhood. (That's my fiancee)2. I was the one who broke her virginity. 3. She mustered the courage to tell me what happened. (although she doesn't want me to use it against her.)4. I really love(d) her. (I guess I have never loved anyone so much. 5. Her mum and I are very friends.6. We had an abortion before.7. We cannot breakup without anyone of us going scathe free.8. She indicates she has changed and it will never happen again.Cons.1. She might do it again.(There is a saying that once a cheat always a cheat.)2. I might not be able to forgive her which has become complicated ever since I kept seeing this guys call logs on her phone. She indicates they are in the same class and avoiding his calls will arouse suspicion and a scandal.3. Also several things keep reminding me ,of this incidence. I cannot seem to forget. Sometimes I sleep and have nightmares. Sometimes, I sleep and dream catching her red-handed in the act of cheating on me with someone. 4. After this incidence, I don't really care about her any more. Has my love for her decreased? Yes it has.
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male
reader, PRWATKINS  +, writes (10 December 2011):
Dude, sorry it happened to you as well, tore my heart out. BUT...if you have no (alive) kids together, run run run. You could find someone who has not disrespected you in the worst way. And... you will never FORGET what she has done.and it will take a long time before you can trust her again if ever.wish i had the balls to leave, but we have kids,and sometimes i wish that i had. We lost her mom, my mom and my dad in a span of 7 months... so we felt as if neither on of us had anyone left except each other. My gut told me something was wrong but i had no truth. Until I could just about not function did she confess the truth.But truthfully, I am feeling "til my last child leaves for college" i will give it my best. Remember to love you and your wellbeong more than you love her. good luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): You are really hurt and I don't think u will ever get over it. Why? Bec she Chooses to still have contact with her (ex)lover. This speaks volumes about her.
This girl has lied to you and told you half truths.
6 years wasted but think of it like this: at least now you know about her cheating. She is not committed to you. Drop her. She is not worth it.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): I could understand if she told you right away rather than play the whole card "if I cheated on you" to toy with you. Plus, you said she told you half the truth? She isn't worth it, she didn't tell you the full truth, and he took some time to actually tell you. If she was truly sorry about it, she would had told you everything after the happening, but she didn't. She was more worried about you leaving and/or finding out what she did rather than you're feelings.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm grateful for all of your response. I'll keep some distance between her and myself to clear my head. Then I'll make a decision. Since my life is at a standstill now, I guess I have to do this quickly and move on. I appreciate the fact that forgiving is not being unmanly and that will be factored in. Again I'm grateful.
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A
male
reader, df30 +, writes (3 February 2011):
Well I dont think I am capable of sugar coating my response. She cheated on you, you dont feel the same and dont love her, so why are you still with her. I understand taking time to make a decision but if you dont love her then I would be gone. You need to ask yourself if you can ever go through with spending time with her and not think once about her hooking up with another man. If you know you cant then its time to go. Its your life dont let this haunt you for the rest of it.
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A
male
reader, Patriot +, writes (2 February 2011):
Of course, you have a whole host of sexual mores and values that I do not share. But if it were me, I would be rid of that woman in an instant.
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A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (2 February 2011):
 I personaly don't believe in the once a cheater always a cheater because I truly believe that a person can change. What causes a person to change in a situation like yours regrets, and shame, the feeling that you might lose the person you love. I think people make mistakes because no one is perfect and they might in fact learn from that experience. You are hurt right now so you can't defind your love for her but in reality you do love her, how do I know this because your thinking and I applaud you for not acting out of rage. I think you could overcome this sitation. You are not willing to throw in the towel without thinking on the pros and cons. If you think you could let it go than give it a chance and forgive her. The ball is in your corner and only you will know if you can live with this infidelity. I wish you luck in what ever you decide.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): you are of course hurt. you have lost respect and love for her. It was wrong of her to do to you, but if can forgive it is wrong of you to try to stay. You have to forgive and forget you cant let it get in the way of the relationship. if you forgive her then thats it. But if you cant fully forgive her then you need to leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): "After this incident I don't really care about her anymore".
I think that says more than anything else you've stated. I think that cheating is an unforgivable thing and the worst betrayal - but I also know that every relationship is different and nothing is black and white. Some relationships have experienced infidelity and continued on to be even stronger, whearas others fall apart. You've been together a long time, so of course this has turned your world upside down. You have nightmares - you feel humiliated and depressed. And it isn't going to get better or easier overnight. You need time and space to think and come to terms with her betrayal - she needs to realise that she hurt you and that the relationship is damaged. She must be prepared to work very hard to earn your trust again - and even then, what you had may still never be the same. Do you know why exactly she cheated? That may prove a clue as to whether there were other problems in your relationship, and also whether or not she may be likely in future to do it again. Was she drunk? Did she feel neglected? Sad? Had you had an argument? Or was it just because the opportunity presented itself? If you ask her just one question, make sure it's 'why'. I don't think you may ever be able to forget this incident, but the question is whether you can forgive. Will you ever feel you can trust her again? If the answer is no, it may be best to move on. But definitely don't 'forgive' her without really forgiving her. Make a conscious effort to leave it in the past, or decide that you can't. If you do decide to forgive her, then consider counselling to help deal with your issues. But don't feel you have to make the decision to get through it or end it straight away. She should be willing to give you all the time and space you need. If it helps to be away from her to get your head straight, suggest a break. Use the time to work on your self-esteem and to decide whether or not the relationship is worth saving.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (2 February 2011):
If you were a married couple with kids, nad the marriage was stale, I'd say maybe look at trying to work it out.
As it is, basically you're a guy who isn't married with kids. Therefore, by leaving, the only person losing would be your girlfriend.
I was cheated on a while back. I dumped the girl. I'm now with someone far better. So my advice, is that you end it and move on. You've nothing to lose by finding someone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): Hello,I think its very normal what your feeling after what she's told you. A lot of what your feeling is "hurt" and who can blame you. When u mentioned your love for her has decreased, I feel its moreso hurt talking at the moment. If this "guy" is still communicating with her on her cell you need to ask "why?" Sure there in the same class, but that doesn't mean he need to call, or text her whatever the case might be. Was she "distant" before this transpired? Did u feel as though she was "different?" Was this the only time? Why did she feel like she needed to cheat? This all needs to be discussed before you can make a decision as to whether or not you can work on rebuilding the "trust" that is now gone. You've both been through a lot together and 6 years is hard to just say "were done". If your truly willing to give this another shot, just ensure you don't continually hold this against her. I do commend her for telling you. Took awhile, but she eventually did. I hope you find what your needing to do. Good luck:-)
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