A
male
age
30-35,
*randprix
writes:Alright...I recently found out that my girlfriend of over a year and half cheated on me. This guy kissed her and tried to put the "moves" on her but she said she stopped it. She said this guy made her feel like I used to make her feel when we were first dating. But anyway. I want to move on with our relationship and work on the problems that may have caused this. I have forgiven her but forgetting is much easier said than done. My question is about our intimacy. She won't even give me a proper kiss anymore. She said she needs time because she feels dirty and wrong about allowing this other guy to touch her. But her fear of intimacy is only making me feel left out in the cold. Do you think she will eventually recover and forget about the guilt and be able to be with me again? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): I agree. Unless she was sexually assaulted you need to realize that the only "moves" put on her were ones that she wanted to have happen too. And now she's hung up about it and feeling guilty and taking it out by cutting you off. She thinks she's punishing herself for her indiscretions, but she's really hurting you just as much if not more so. She's in the process of messing up her romantic (life for years to come) here. These forces are bigger than you. You're the good guy that she'll betray and hate herself for betraying later. And the more she hates herself, the more she'll be driven into the arms of these "bad boys" that she's already moved towards. Get it? Now, here the part that you will have such a hard time accepting: you cant stop this and shouldnt even tryYou will end up in a thankless position every single step of the way from here forward if you do stay around. You will put years into her and eventually you'll get sick of it all and leave her anyway. By then it won't be because you're judgemental or something. It will be because you love her but you can't stay with someone who isn't acting decent and into you anymore. You've got a decent reason to get out of this now. I suggest you take it. Save yourself some grief. You're trying to do the "right thing" and she's pushing you away for it. Don't leave because you're unforgiving, leave because she doesn't wanna be saved and you respect your future self too much to be emotionally abused.
A
male
reader, hmm...  +, writes (15 November 2007):
You are less then 22! Ditch now!You need to move on. Date other women. Tell her you can be friends and move on! It's a must. Trust me on this. Once this sort of mindset is established it will be extremely hard to undo it.
move on. she will like you more like that
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (10 November 2007):
 You can certainly recover from this if you both want to, she only kissed the guy, which whilst bad, is not terrible.
She needs to decide whether she wants to be with you or not. If she does, then she needs to re-engage with you and not see this guy again in any capacity.
You need to give her a little space and time to work things out. Don't drag her over hot coals about this. For her to be drifting away from you previously shows something wasn't right in the relationship: women tend to be unfaithful when their partner isn't giving them what they need. So have a think about what you can do better too, to prevent this happening again with either of you.
Recovering from bumps and problems can make a relationship better and stronger if you deal with it well. It shows strength in both of you to bounce back. To do so you need to forgive and let go of any emotional pain over this. It's not easy, but it's certainly possible if you work together.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (10 November 2007):
 This guys advances were not unwanted. Your girlfriend did put herself in a position of appearing to be open to this type of thing. Based on the information you gave, she was a willing participant. It doesn't make the guy bad either. He did nothing wrong.
You need to see the big picture. By calling the guys actions, "putting a move on her", it implies he was calculating and out of line. That is not true. He did exactly what a human being does when with a member of the opposite sex who appears to be a willing participant. The fact he stopped when she felt guilty shows he's at least decent. You could also say she put the move on him by inviting him over, knowing she already had a boyfriend and she actually had a crush on the guy. It sounds like she did the calculating. As far as the other guy knew, he had nothing to lose. Who took advantage of who????
"she developed a bit of a crush on this guy, they became good friends"....when you have a crush on someone you're not looking for friendship, you're looking for some sort of relationship.
"made her feel like I used to when we first started dating"....this implies she felt good in his company. In other words if what you shared when you first started dating lead to a romance, she was getting those feelings again, with this other guy.
This is the problem. You're hurt. This is completely understandable. You've been hurt by a reality that is always lurking in the background and rarely mentioned, temptation from outside sources. I've been in a similar spot, although not this far. Relationships have ups and downs. They change all the time. We also tend to take our partners for granted as we become too comfortable. Life moves on and we become bored. If we are not careful and keep the value of our relationships in mind, other temptations will appear. Actually, they appear even when you're happily married. We enjoy the thrill of connecting with someone. The difference is that when you're in a relationship, you have to respect that first.
You were feeling unloved or perhaps noticing you girlfriend was distant. That bothered you. This was happening for a reason. It was because she was paying attention to this other guy who caught her eye. That made you a burden and an obstacle between her and her crush. She was probably noticing this guy for a while before it grew into something.
As far as being his friend, I think that is a bad idea. She really shouldn't try to make him a friend. The genie does not go back into the bottle very easily. What about you? Do you want her hanging out with this guy, based on the circumstances they met under. I wouldn't. If it walks, quacks like a duck, it's a duck. She can't repackage this entire happening, put a bow on it and pretend he's just a regular guy. He's not, he's the guy who she was attracted to. In my eyes, that tarnishes any innocence of having friends of the opposite sex. Remember, they weren't looking for friendship. They don't have to be enemies, just not buddies.
Her thoughts and desires were not bad. Her actions were though. If she wanted a break from your relationship, she should have made that clear before inviting a man to her place. She set the mood. She made a mistake. She's a human being and was open to attention. People get into this dilemma all the time. We like people who make us feel good. That is how we start relationships, it's natural. People think they can handle the attraction and keep themselves in check. They often fail. Give her a break. You're young and learning about life. Keep your guard up though. Watch out for the enemy. I'd like to compliment you on your ability to see the right side of things. You stated you don't want to be controlling and demand she not have guy friends. That is refreshing to hear. That is great on your part. Many people would try to solve this situation by putting the hammer down. That builds resentment and hardly ever works.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 November 2007):
 Your welcome and take care.
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A
male
reader, grandprix +, writes (10 November 2007):
grandprix is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks brother I appreciate the input...
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 November 2007):
People do sometimes makes choices that can compromise their position. Even though she invited him over, It still doesn't justify him to make unwanted advances.
I'd still have her seek some counseling. Even small advances can hurt and last a long time until it's dealt with.
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A
male
reader, grandprix +, writes (10 November 2007):
grandprix is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPerhaps I didn't make this situation entirely clear... our relationship had changed in the week prior to this incident. She was being distant and acting strangely.She said that she didn't know what was wrong with her. She devoloped a bit of a crush on this guy and they had became good friends. It ate me up but I can't be controlling and say No guy friends so I let it be. They began talking on the net alot and I think she got close to him because I was working nights and I didn't see her much. She invited him over to watch movies and he made a move on her. She said she stopped it but I feel that she put herself in a position for him to do this. She said when he touched her she immediately knew it was a mistake and began to cry and tell him that she is not a cheater. I don't know what to think anymore. Maybe she was confused? She still sees this guy at her university and wants to be his friend. She said he apologized saying that he didn't know she had a boyfriend. But shouldn't she have made that clear in the first place?
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 November 2007):
On her own, nope, but with help in doing so, yea she can get over it.
She needs to realize, he tried to take advantage of her, that's not her doing It was his. Can't really blame yourself for something someone else does. The put a stop to it, so she did what's right.
She has to understand there are people with no regard to feelings, and that is OK as long as she lives according to her morals and It's OK to be intimate even though someone tried to violate her and didn't succeed.
One of the problems here is that you forgave her. Forgiving first implies that she did something wrong. If this guy came on to her and she stopped it, she did what's right and not what's wrong.
I'd go with her to seek some counseling to work on taking care of these issues.
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