A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 30yo male with a 30yo girlfriend. We have been together for 3 years lived together for 2 one of which was overseas, we have returned recently.My problem is she has been saying she doesn’t want sex, she has had this stance for 18months now and has gone threw all the excuses from it's just a dip to I don't know why to I have no desire to have sex. And I am at breaking point, the first 9 months it was brilliant and it died very quickly from that point. Every time I try to bring it up during the last 18 months she refuses to do or try anything or even discuss it. Anyway the other day it came to a head again as 2 months ago she said she would go to the doctor for her non-existent libido this was the first sign she had given she wanted to work on it in all this time ( this is what she has been telling me all along and that it wasn't me ) and she still hasn't gone. So I asked when she is going to go to the doctor and she said she doesn’t want to talk about it now ( this is the second time I have tried to ask when she is going to the doctor and this is always her answer when I try to bring up sex ) and she will go when I gowhich was news to me, I ask what am i going for and she said "learn better shagging" which threw me completely, she has always said I was very intentive and the problem wasn't with me. Sure I find it a little hard in the last 18 months due to the fact she simply won't engage me sexually so naturally on the odd and I mean very odd occasion we have had sex my confidence is naturally shattered as it is usually a t-shirt on lying on back hurry up scenario. I went quiet to give her a chance to retract but she didn't and passed it off as a "throw away comment" naturally this isn't going to be. The argument continued basically me explaining I want her to stop stonewalling me and her saying I doesnt want to talk about it which is her standard response to any problem in her life ( stick her head in the sand ).The argument ended and we went out with some friends for dinner and apologized to each other for arguing ( her for screaming at me and me for well bringing it up in the car ) but here is my second problem she is all hugging and kissing after dinner in the pub I drop her off at a friends place and leave to go to work as I work a few hours away. The next day I txt her and she is completely not talking to me, for ruining her weekend. so she was mad we made up and she got mad about it again ?? I left her alone for 3 days as normally when she is like that it drags on if I try to talk to her, ring her up 3 days late rand she is still pissed at me. I am really confused. Sure we had an argument but from my point of view I am trying to bring up something that makes me sad, she shows me no sexual attention, this doesn't make me feel wanted or desired.i feel she does this to mask the real issue and turn the tables on me making me the arse who "started" the argument and ruined her weekend therefore detracting from the simple fact that we have a problem i have been trying to get recognized for a very long time. She extends this peroid out to try and make me feel bad and completely apologize thus in my mind accepting responsibility for the argument.Is this normal behaviour ? I think she is being completely un-reasonable we talked about sex early in our relationship and agreed it was an important part of a relationship. In the last 18 months it is practically non-existent and she makes no effort to engage me on the subject, i have offered many suggestions I am considerate and will do anything for her, I have tried everything from not mentioning it for months to making practical suggestions on things I can do and she might be able to look at if indeed the problem is libido. Not quite feeling it is mutual.I want to feel desired and wanted by my partner I love, I have told her this but it doesn't seem to register.She seems to be fine with making me feel as bad as possible for wishing to achieve this.. Any advice here would be much appreciated.I feel I have been very patient!Thanks
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male
reader, BaggiePantsJr  +, writes (31 July 2009):
I had this issue with my gf once and she took it for granted that i would always say sorry for one reason or another. and my family was doing the same crap like it was some womens telepathic and she said something to the same comments your gf is using and its always nice to take up that womanly advice they give especially when they think you wont do it. like another poster said us guys have feelings also so my advice to you would be to a. do exactly as she says no matter now bad it may be b. return the favor when she talks you talk when she want to be difficult so do u just remember to always say we can talk if you want to its up to you
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009): Yes the ignoring tactic is a common one across all issues, she is currently or was for the last few weeks ignoring her best friend it is her tactic. We are currently not living together after re-entering the country so I guess htis is easier for her now. I think it's her way of distancing herslef from the issues at hand and avoiding any responsibility for the argument or disagreement.
I have apologized for my part but I am unsure if I will get the same back I think she resents me bringing it up for some reason. I rang her last night for the first time in 3 days and after apologizing for the third time I got nothing on the phone effectively ignoring me, she stated she doesn't know how long she doesn't want to talk to me and if it bothers me that much I should break up with her that is her standard response to anything.
I have brought up the ignoring silent treatment before post argument trying to explain that it builds a mountain out of a molehill and extends a disagreement into a week long saga.. She says thats the way she is and I should deal with it, I think it's emotional abuse and a power tool and she likes turning the tables on me until I apologize for everything whilst masking the issue at hand and pushing it to the back because all I want is the ignoring to stop!
your advice is really good your right thatthe priority issue is the emotional distancing as it prevents any discussion and scares me out of talking about our relationship.I shall endeavour to try your suggestions ans they totally make sense to me however if/when she talks to me again I expect the silent treatment to be blamed on PMS ( thats how she will make contact with me hey guess why i was cranky!) and any mention of the issue will trigger her again so I sit and wait !
Thanks again for your advice :)
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A
female
reader, noonespecial2 +, writes (31 July 2009):
Hi again, It sounds as if there are other underlying issues one being the way she communicates her unhappiness within the relationship. If she uses the ignoring tactic, does she behave this way with other issues you have or is it just in relation to sexual issues.If emotional distancing is her way to resolve conflict, then this is the priority issue that needs to be dealt with. It may be wise to give her all the space she needs, when she has had her space, it would be likey she will make contact again. It would be then that this issue of distance and ignoring can be addressed. The hard thing for you then is she may blame you for everything, criticize and take no responsibility for her 50%. This will be difficult for you yet it's so important not to react. Just listen to what she has to say and allow her to vent. Take what she says away with you and determine whether there's any truth in what she said. If there is some truth in it, then it's up to you to work with this. It's not helpful to react by arguing, or becoming defensive to what she says as this will then turn into a power struggle. This seems to be how she reacts, so you doing the same is pointless. I know this is a tall order as I've been there myself... If this approach is taken she may very well become more responsive and trusting and it is at that point, you can begin addressing your issues with her. Eventually you will get your say yet the way it seems you guys have communicated is through blame, defensiveness and arguing resulting in power struggles keeping you stuck and never resolving the issue. If you focus on your part and not hers, you have a better chance of working things out and getting her onside. Focusing on what she does wrong is like waving a red flag to a bull. This of course doesn't mean you are powerless preventing you from getting your needs met, it just means that more effective communication will be the type of setting that will assist both of you in getting your needs met giving you true power. You may be tempted to defend yourself with harsh or unfair criticism, let that bounce off you, get upset later when you're alone with your thoughts. You can take what she says away with you and ascertain if any of her points are valid. By you being on here, you are looking for alternative solutions. If you improve your way of intereacting it inevitably improves hers. Lastly, it seems by her denying you sex and communication about it, has lowered your self esteem. It's important that this aspect of your relationship doesn't get personalised and what I mean is that this information can be interpreted by you that you are worthless/unlovable/not sexy. This issue is not a relection about how lovable, sexy or worthy you are, it is simply a very common relationship issue that needs sorting. Are you having an honest look at yourself, all the great qualities as well. She sees those great qualities too and I'd be focusing more on those than the rejection you feel from your wife not wanting sex and to talk about it. I have no qualms that she has her own issues behind all of this and that will come out in time. I wish you all the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2009): noonespecial2 - She knows I am willing to please her because yes that is exactly what I want but unfortunately she doesn't let me get that far or communicate it to me..
I will take some of your advice and your right but it's just she doesn't want to communicate with me about it and thats essentially what I want to do talk about it.. however she is giving me the silent treatment since sunday citing I started an argument so hey I'll see what happens..
Kenneth - Have you read my post ? it's over 18 months I have brought it up twice in the last 6 months I don't think that is constant.. and yes there is plenty more than sex but I believe it is part of what makes the difference between a relationship and a friendship.
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A
male
reader, Kenneth +, writes (30 July 2009):
You constant demand for SEX turned her off. Focus more on the other parts of the relationship. She may come around then. Are that incomplete without sex? Wake up man. There is more to life or in a relationship than Sex. Good luck
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A
female
reader, noonespecial2 +, writes (30 July 2009):
Hi there,
Puhlease, stop getting into a power struggle about who's responsible for starting arguments. There's nothing to argue over now. Just get to the issue - your sex life.
I agree with one the replies in regards to trying to see the others point of view. It would be perfect if she could see your point of view too and maybe by you setting the example, she may follow suit.
There's no wrongs or rights, noone to blame just an issue to sort out.
If I was in your shoes, I would say, I have taken on board what you have said and want to work toward becoming a better lover and thank her.
You wanted to know why she has refused sex for 18 months, you now have your answer, so go for it, fix it up so you both get what you want.
I'd tell her how you have some ideas that you'd like to try and afterward you'd like some feedback. Ask her to be gentle with negative feedback and loud and bold with the positive stuff. You could ask her to gently move your hand/head etc... if she doesn't like what you're doing during sex and to give you a Mmmm if she does. Ask her to move your hand/head etc... to a place she does want to be touched, this may make it less confronting for her. Remember, Men get aroused like a light switch and Women like a volume switch (needing more foreplay).
Ask her what she likes, really likes, some Women feel shy about this so you could get questions off the net or from a book and write it down for each other. Don't get the questions from a religious site, get some questions about positions etc... you think she'll say no to yet you want, you may just be surprised!!! Get ideas and put them in place, go for it, here's your big chance. Take this as constructive criticism.
Don't waste another second, go for it.
Tell her you're willing to please her, how nothing turns you on more than seeing her turned on and how you both deserve a happy fulfilling sex life.
You're complaining about the lack of sex, here's your big chance. You have feedback, you can either take it to heart and personalise it or you could use it to make your sex life better than it has ever been.
And about your confidence, let that go, read read read about great love making, there's heaps out there. You're now on your road to becoming a fantastic lover.
This is great feedback, true intimacy, I'm happy for you.
She made excuses in the past, and you were left not knowing, she's being upfront now, once her truth is out, you have a place to start.
You have the power now, it's your choice.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (30 July 2009):
 Honestly you are better off out of it. Doesn't sound as if there is much left to be rescued.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2009): "Beingblack", it isn't ALWAYS all about the woman; men have feelings too, and can get hurt, as in this case.
Questioner, this relationship is dead.
She is being totally unreasonable, self-centred and selfish and just like "Beingblack", thinks it should be on her terms completely.
Cut your losses and run, my friend - there are plenty of women out there that will love and respect you.
This woman is a total bitch and you deserve better!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2009): [MOD NOTE: This seems to be from the original poster.]Why would she wait until 18 months into the problem to suggest it's my fault, of course my performance isn't what it used to be because she isn't involved but I have asked this question throughout and she has never taken the opportunity before. She doesn't tell me what turns her on when I ask but then she doesn't ask me either. I don't feel she should be under too much pressure i am not constantly at her about it hence why it has been like this for 18 months, I try to ask if we can talk about it every couple of months and get shot down either by 'i don't want to talk about it' or all you want is sex which is rubbish, I want to feel wanted and connected to my partner and i haven't felt this way since it has gone missing.yes it takes two to tango and I do tell her I love her, I have supported her throughout our relationship in various ways and hugs and kisses have and are a constant. I feel that i respond to what she wants but she isn't able to talk about what I want sometimes.My question is how do I get to a situation where we can talk about it ? in the 18 months I have tried in so many differnet places and times but it is never right, i am always asking what she wants but she doesn't give me anything to go on..
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (30 July 2009):
 I am going to ask you to try something that many men are completely useless at. Try to see your issue from her point of view.
I am not blaming anyone at all. I feel sympathy for the situation that you both find yourselves in. She simply refuses to talk, because she feels under enormous pressure. You just want sex. Try not to focus on what she ISN'T doing, simply ask her what she DOES want from your relationship.
You said you had brilliant sex for the first 9 months. Brilliant for you, or for both of you? Is it possible that her 'learn better shagging' comment was an honest appraisal? Do you know, right at this moment, EXACTLY what turns her on?
It might be likely that she doesn't just want sex, she wants a more emotional connection first. Kissing and hugging which won't lead to you looking for intercourse is always a great idea. You say you love her, so show it. Many men think that sex is a demonstration of love, whereas lots of women want a demonstration of love, understanding and commitment, then they are more likely to want sex.
Try not to make this issue a 'power struggle' with sex in the middle. You have asked her to talk to you, and to seek professional help, and she will, if you do too. Great sex, like great relationships, need two people.
So try to set your anger and frustration aside, talk calmly, and find out what SHE wants FROM YOU. Make the discussion a 'general' one, not just about sex. There may be other issues which have filtered into your sex lives. Whatever she says, take it on the chin, stay calm, and keep listening and talking.
I am not saying that the situation is anybody's fault, but hopefully you can both start talking in a meaningful way and get to the cause.
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