A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I wondered whether somebody could help me with what may seem to be a small problem, but to me is massive.I recently started going out with a girl that I have known for around 20 years.We had a couple of brief sexual encounters a few years back, and neither of us were serious about them.She had a child last year (the father doesn’t want anything to do with her or the baby) and since then we have gotten quite close again. We slept together Christmas day, and since then started a relationship, but since that point, things have become a bit awkward.She refuses to tell any of her friends or family that we are together, despite me having to tell my friends as I’m never available anymore, sending as much time helping her with the baby as possible.When I’m over at her house, she is constantly texting ex’s that she remains friends with (2 of them that I know about) but then tells me that she is insecure over my ex (that I haven’t even spoke to for 6 years)To make matters worse, she makes me feel like a disease. She refuses any kind of physical contact, having used every excuse in the book to stop us being intimate.I understand that she is insecure but I love her for the person she is, and I can’t stress this enough to her, but it makes no difference. Often when I say this I just get “I want to but I’m tired” or “my son will be back from his grandparents early in the morning so I need to get some sleep” then proceeds to text these ex’s until 3 or 4am.Recently, I took her out and bought her over £500 of new clothes, underwear and other things to try and show her that I love her, I want to be with her and also to try and make her feel a bit sexy, but all that has changed is the hole in my finances!The weird thing is, she constantly talks about our future, how she wants to marry and have more kids, how she’s happy because she’s wanted to be with me for a very long time and now she’s got me her life is complete.Unfortunately, mine doesn’t quite seem to be.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 February 2016):
 You sound like a wonderful person, well done to you. Be proud of the man that you are. You are generous, loving, kind and responsible. Please though don't be a push over. She is using you, she tells you words to keep you sweet, she lets you buy her things and helps with the baby. But she won't tell her friends and family about you, because she is using you. I feel so sorry for you because you love her and you want to make her happy, but instead you are just her fool. Please don't let her use you. You will make a great husband and father someday to a woman that will appreciate everything that you do for her. This woman won't she will dump you as soon as someone else comes along.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2016): The guy a woman wants most is the one she is having sex with. (or, the most sex with.) That is the bottom line.
If that guy is not you then she is not attracted to you. She is using you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 February 2016):
 What's going on , is that you are being taken for a big long ride. She has found a nurturer / companion / helper / egobooster / Santa Claus ( and who knows that she has not appointed you as future daddy for her child ) and , although her actions say clearly that she is not that wild about you, lucky for her she does not need to show you any particular enthusiasm to keep you around, since you are extremely low maintenance. You will do with no sex, little time, little attention and little respect, so, from her point of view , might as well.
Wake up and smell the coffee, OP- I am positive that you
deserve much better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2016): This is a classic case of the stand-in boyfriend/male girlfriend. What's that you ask? He has all the best qualities and character a boyfriend can have. Attentive, generous, considerate, helps out with her kid, spends his money, and knows her well. You're a convenience.
You are like a brother to her. She talks about the future, but that doesn't necessarily include you. You're fulfilling all her needs until she finds someone she feels physically attracted to. Youre going far beyond the call. Too far in-fact.
To the degree that you are allowing her to take advantage of your wonderful nature. You're a very caring individual; but money can't buy love. You're a built-in support system. Like a girlfriend she can talk to and hangout with. A boyfriend when she wants to go out and be entertained. A shoulder to lean and cry on. You are doing something I've myself tried to do, and it didn't work for me and it will not work for you. You're killing her with kindness. She's like a parasite, simply living off the energy and giving you nothing back.
You cannot "nice" her into falling in-love. From what you have well-articulated, she isn't in-love with you at all.
You are a BFF, but not a BF. You function quite well in the friend-zone, but she isn't sexually-attracted to you; and her exes are a diversion and insult to your face. A way of indirectly letting your know that you're not the number-one guy in her life, and she places everyone in their place.
In a word. She's awful.
You're wasting your time, money, and energy. You are not really her boyfriend in the romantic-sense. You're a space-holder until one comes along.
Pack-up your things and go home, or get a new place to live. Stop what you're doing. She's making a fool of you.
Scratch that! You're both making a fool of you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 February 2016):
 I'm sorry I think you are a Gap Stop. Someone to "take care" of her till she finds "greener grass".
The whole double standard of HER being able to talk to exes but you can't? I don't care how insecure she is, that is HER issue. Either you both drop exes or you BOTH can be allowed to talk to them.
As for the intimacy. She had a baby. She is young, her body changed quite a bit and I am guess she is VERY scared of having another baby right now. And she knows sex = baby.
Talking to an ex is not sex. So it's EASY for her to talk to an ex over being intimate with you.
Personally.... I think she has a LOT of growing up to do before she will be ready and able to be a good partner. Having a baby doesn't automatically makes someone an adult or mature.
Talking about the future? Words are cheap. It's a nice fantasy. Doesn't mean she wants it NOW. A future with marriage and kids and white picket fence is vague enough to keep you around. She might "love" the idea of you, the fantasy. But the real deal? Not so much. Sorry.
You can't buy love. $500 is a LOT to spend on "things" you don't really need. Yes, new clothes are great, sexy clothes... again great, but... it doesn't FIX her issues or ... make her realize what a good guy you are. All it does is make her think that keeping you around is BENEFICIAL for HER - financially. And is that what you want? To be a loving ATM?
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (13 February 2016):
 Hmm. Sounds a bit like she's playing you, mate. She gave you a taste to hook you, dangles the promise of a "future" together but has since stopped all physical intimacy? There's an old saying "some people aren't looking for love, they're looking for help." Seems to me she's gaining financial aid and a surrogate father figure for her child all while maintaining the secrecy of your relationship. And why? She wants to be available for the BBD...bigger better deal. That's probably why she's always texting her exes. Keeping plan B and C on hand. I dated a girl like that very recently. Anytime she needed something, a place to stay, dinner, help with whatever she had at least 3 exes she could text at any moment who would jump at the chance to help her out seeing it as a gateway for being with her. I never mentioned it to her, but it really annoyed me and made me question if I was destined to be one of these "options" I would be direct. Tell her you want to have sex, have your relationship out in the open, and everything else that you need. If she refuses then you know she wasn't really into it. Shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Be direct. You don't deserve to have your time wasted. You could've spent that money on a chick that actually appreciates you. Good luck, brotha. Don't be a mark!
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