A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am male and I am deeply in love with by best friend (female). She has known for years how I feel and has made it clear that she doesn't feel the same way which I respect. However, we have stayed close friends. We go on holiday together, she cooks me dinner two or three nights a week, we share everything, people comment how we are like a married couple. But it never goes any further. During the 8 yrs we have been friends, we have both had other relationships but it always ends up with just the two of us. She has recently come out of a 5 yr relationship and has 3 yr old twin girls (I am their godfather). At the moment we are spending lots of time together. We are very close and I know she cares about me a lot. We remained friends while she was in the longterm relationship but now she is single it is harder, because I know she is sleeping with other people. I want us to stay friends and she needs me because she is still getting over her break-up but I hate the thought of her with other people.The problem is, I know we'll never be more than friends and part of me has accepted that. But it seems like a no-win situation. If we stay friends it means watching her with other blokes which I can't bear. It also means being her shoulder to cry on when she gets hurt. But the only alternative seems to be to cut her out of my life completely, which I don't want to do because we are such an important part of each others lives. Whenever either of us wants to do anything, days out, theatre, clubbing etc. we always do it together and I don't want to miss out on seeing my god-daughters. Also, I would feel guilty because its not her fault that she doesn't feel the same way and I would feel like I was letting her down when she needs me. Please help!!!
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (12 March 2008):
 Hi,
At the end of the day you are so close to her because you have feelings for her. She in turn knows that she has a man she can call on to help her out of tough spots. As far as I can see, she gets a lot more out of this relationship than you do.
I think you need to tell her that you should spend some time apart as you have deep feelings for her and you cannot live your life being in love with someone who doesnt reciprocate. You will never be able to commit yourself to any female as long as you remain close to this woman, and and girl who comes along will see a mile off that you are in love with this girl.
I'm not saying she is using you, but she needs a man in her life when all the others let her down, and this is what is unfair you are that guy but you recieve none of the companionship that she offers these other men.
It's time to break the umbilical chord, you will miss her but you can't carry on like this can you?
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 March 2008):
 The problem here is that you refuse to accept that she will never be your woman. You need to accept it, and not in part but in full. The minute you stop longing after her, the problem will be gone. And you need to be willing for a little sacrifice. You can't have everything. I believe you should stay away from her, for some time.
I also think you should tell her why you're staying away. That way, she will know what is going on and you will be able to return to her, as a friend, sometime in the future. But, also, she will stop doing you the harm she does to you. She knows full well that you love her, she says she doesn't, and yet she treats you as little less than a husband. Indeed, I think it's safe to say that many boyfriends, partners and husbands don't get that sort of treatment. With her right hand she says she doesn't love you, but she gives you wonderful things with her left hand. I'm starting to suspect that she has you where she wants you.
I wonder if she has told you about her problems with other men. Because that would be the icing on the cake.
This is a no win situation for you, but only because you don't want to accept reality. Some battles can't be won and that's why it's not worth fighting them. I don't think you should cut your ties to her or get upset or whatever, but I think YOU should do yourself a favor. There are so many good women out there, and you could have a meaningful relationship with one of them.
I wonder what the women you had thought about your close relationship to this lady. When you find yourself someone one, let that woman be number one. Your friend, sadly, will be number two; and that's how it must be.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (11 March 2008):
 Caught between a rock and a hard place. It seems like she has behaved honourably and not encouraged you to feel anymore and for that you should be grateful, it also makes you totally right at the end; it isnt her fault she doesnt feel the same.
I think you should look at it this way; what you have right now is more special than any relationship you could have in so many ways. It is a love that will outlast all her bf's and your gf's too and that is special and something that should be treasured. In many ways you will always be better than lovers to each other and again that is a positive.
I think you should carry on the friendship, hard though it maybe, and try and find some inner peace from the fact that you have each other and always will so...in the meantime you need to find somebody who you can share a different kind of love with and enjoy your special friendship with this women. Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, Gena Bullock  +, writes (11 March 2008):
 Sounds like you need to not hold on so hard. You already have a good relationship with her. Have you talked to her about the seriousness of your feelings for her? How does she respond when you tell her how you really feel? If she isn't interested in having a more marital relationship with you, then you need to find other female interests. It sounds more like a brother/sister relationship than anything. You are very close to her and she is to you, but in a different way. I see you love the twins unconditionally. Did this fabricate when she needed you most--your love for 'her?' Tell me the answers to these questions and I can tell more about your situation.
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