A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it your responsibility to tell your significant other if an ex is attempting contact with you?I have been living with my girlfriend of 2 years for about 1 year now. her boyfriend prior to me broke up with her about 5 months before we started dating. out of nowhere, this week he has called her drunk two nights in a row at 1am each night. i was not home for the first phone call, i was working. she said she didn't pick up. the second night's phone call woke me up.my problem: she didn't tell me about the first phone call, or the emails they exchanged the next day about the phone call. also, she deleted said emails and the 'missed call' from her phone so i woulnd't find it (not that i would have anyway).she only told me about the phone call because i was there for the second one. she said she kept it from me because she didn't want to make a big deal about it. i got pissed, first, at the boyfriend for calling her like this out of the blue. i called him back on her phone (with her approval) and left him a voicemail telling him to stop calling her. i am pissed, also, that she was not up front and honest about this in the first place.my question: i am not out of line, right? she is mad at herself and crying and now i feel bad - but i shouldn't. she was in the wrong for not telling me, and he was in the wrong for the drunk dialing.i believe, especially 2 years into a relationship and 1 year into living together, that you are responsible to tell your significant other if an ex is attempting contact. do you agree?i am looking for opinions on my situation, and for people to either tell me they agree and support my actions or tell me i am over reacting.i appreciate it. thanks
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broke up, drunk, her ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2009): If I allowed my husband to sleep around, then that would give me no right to judge you for not letting your significant other from sleeping around.
My point? It's that this needs to be discussed in your relationship and you shouldn't let our opinions matter. Everything i'm going to say will be based on the two of you.
If previously agreed that any contact from exes should be discussed, then that is what she should've done. If there was no such discussion and you are making the rules as you go along out of what upsets you, then you have no place to be angry and she has no place to be curled in the corner, crying.
The first time my ex contacted me (before i got married to my current), I didn't tell him. He then found out and was hurt, he thought I was trying to hide something. I wasn't. He told me how he felt and i agreed to tell him from now on. I apoligized for hurting him but not for not telling him.
Depends on your history with her.
~Sy.
A
female
reader, HopeHeals  +, writes (29 August 2009):
 Chill dude...and this situation calls for gentle strength...not violent reaction...even if it means dealing with the ex.
She needs your comforting assurance and the ex needs diplomatic handling. Relax...I am intuitive...everything is fine...she is honest with you.
~ Dove
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (29 August 2009):
 You should have let her handle it. You are yelling at her over something that she has NO control over, such as a drunken ex, and she isn't telling you about it because she knows that you are going to get all pissy and controlling about it. You have jumped to the conclusion that she is guilty! That should be telling YOU something about YOUR behavior and how you are treating HER. I get the feeling that she deleted the e-mails because she doesn't want to have another fight with you and doesn't want to be accused of something that she didn't do. Sound familiar? If she trusted you to be reasonable and not yell, she would have told you! She's probably upset that this guy is harassing her, and you are harassing her at home too! Yikes! You had no business calling him up on her cell, with her forced permission. She is a grown up, she deserves to be trusted. You are not placing any trust in her at all. There can't be any love without trust. You are being controlling, and that is tantamount to becoming abusive. You need to take a step back and ask yourself if you would appreciate HER treating you like a cheater if one of your ex's starting calling you out of the blue. If you walk in the same shoes that you have asked her to wear, I'm betting they feel a bit tight, huh?
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A
male
reader, Perspicacious  +, writes (28 August 2009):
To be honest, I think you are over reacting.She probably thought the first call was a one off, that she had dealt with the situation, and that would be the end of the matter. It is not too surprising that she thought it wasn't worth bothering you with it, especially as she would have known you would have been less than happy.A second call makes the situation more serious, especially on consecutive nights and it sounds like you have dealt with it this time.Clearly she has told you all about the first one now (as she should following the second), so I would reserve your annoyance for the ex-boyfriend rather than your partner.If you feel the need to say anything at all to her, then simply saying "If someone phones drunk in the middle of the night again, please let me know so we can deal with it together" should be more than enough. The bottom line is relationships are built on trust and you trust your partner to deal with errant ex's... don't you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009): It's a difficult situtation your in. I think you might be over reacting a little but at the same time she deleted the phone calls and emails so its raises suspicions but than again she gave you permission to call her ex and leave him a voice mail so I don't think you should worry about it. She obviously loves you if she allowed you to leave him a voice mail. Don't stress the issue on her anymore and just leave things how they are now. I think you should apologize to her and let her know that next time something like this happens, you would appreciate it if she would let you know things of the magnitude because they are important to you. Now if it happens again than I don't know what to tell you.
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