A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 32 year old male. Have been in relationship with a woman for 15 months now. It is going well on many fronts, but some we have had problems. I have problems with erections, althoguh it seems psychological. We are working on this, and she is very patient with me.On the second more improtant front - I am quite a loner and ambitious and like to do many things - some of them serious hobbies which I hope to make a career out of some day. Her complaint is I do not spend enough time with her. At the moment we are doing 1-2 evenings in the week, and on weekends always 2 evenings, and one complete day. Of late I try and make on complete day for myself as i like to do my own thing as well.She gets upset as she seems to require a lot of attention. Whereas I like my own company and freedom. I am unsure what is the norm. We are also thinking of moving in together but she does not want to allow me to be out more than 3 evenings a week (to work on projects). There does not seem to be a trust issue. The issue seems to be that she gets bored etc. She does not tend to go much out at all, with friends or anything like it. Which is difficult for me. I really want her to also live her own life, and be happy on her own times, as well as with me.I am not sure what is the norm here. As said, I am happy to be home 3-4 evenings per week, the other times working on projects etc. Would appreciate any comments on this.Thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): Thanks for the reply everyone.
I am not sure what she needs. What she calls quality time. She LOVES just relaxing and chilling out completely. Watching dvds. etc. So we lie on the bed. CLose together hold hands etc etc. Great. I am happy with that. But after an evening of that...then the following day watching 2 dvd's and generally just hanging around at home I am like...ok I HAVE to go and do something now...and often it will be something I just want to do on my own.
So Im really trying. I'm trying to give her the affection and quality time.
I think one of the other factors here is just generally our characters. I never used to be like it but of late I am a fair risk taker...not bad, but in the sense that I think anything is possible if I put my mind to it. We want to move to another country...but she sees many problems with it. And yes...there are problems, but it really depends on what you want.
So I guess perhaps there are more issues at play here as well. But i do know myself...I like my time and space, and i love affection and closeness but I am also an autonomous being...I am not merged with someone else. So it is difficult for me and her.
Right now she has decided she wants to do some dance classes. I am VERY happy for her. Really just want her to experience HERSELF. It just seems so many people have forgotten what it is like to experience yourself and enjoy yourself for who you are. To me it is as important as the special person in my life. My relationship with myself is just as important as my relationship with her, and I really want that for her as well.
Thanks.
A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (24 February 2009):
 This is a tough one. People say that I am a loner too, but I just think that I am comfortable in my own company :-) And yet, when I am involved in a serious relationship, I sometimes struggle with how to balance wanting my own space and yet wanting him to think and treat me as if I am the only special person in his life (which would translate into a degree of insecurities, I guess).
I think the key words are "balance" and "compromise", after all, you are now a "couple". One of the efforts in reaching a balance or a compromise may translate into assuring each other that physical presence does not necessarily mean "being there" for each other. Likewise, allowing some space and timne alone could also mean respecting each other's needs for certain individual needs.
If you could afford a place where you can have your "time alone" space at home, e.g. a basement, or a room above the garage, or a tool shed converted into a your own workshop, etc etc etc, perhaps that would be a good alternative. When you are in this "space", let her know that you would like to be "undisturbed". Having said that, you should also let her know that you will "return" at a certain time (so there is indeed at time limit). This way, she will respect that you once you are in that room, you are not to be disturbed, but at the same time, she knows that you are not far from her sight either.
In time, she may not object you to your prefernce for timne alone for yourself, especially if she sees that it would be something that would actually strengthen your relationship and committment to each other. And this my friend, would require lots of reassuring communication initially.
Good luck!
Cat
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): I would postpone moving in, and wait for things to settle down to the point where she is more comfortable allowing you space. Make sure when you do spend time with her, you make it quality for her. My boyfriend also complains that I am insecure, but his idea of spending time together is watching a movie with him sitting in a chair and me by myself on the couch. I would do things nice for her during those times, and remind her that you need time to yourself as well. Perhaps you can get her support more if you shared your work with her. Remind her that partners should help each other grow.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): I think complete honesty is the key. Tell her how wonderful she is, that you want a future with her, but she's smothering you, and you would come to resent her for it(maybe not so blunt like I said). Ask her if she wants some space to think things through. But tell her you will be waiting for her to hopefully come back to you, because you really love her.
Relationships/Marriage is about compromise. She needs to be encouraged to have interests outside your relationship. What talents does she have? I've been thinking of trying a stain glass art class. This is 6 weeks and you take home your creation. You can meet people too. Hope this helps
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): hello
Thanks for the reply. We are looking far into the future to get married at some stage. But in probably 2 years or so. If i have kids I want to be a devoted father but for the next 4 years or so I want to expend a lot of energy into something like this.
I agree that a lot of the problem is that she does not have her own life. She has agreed with me on this...after a lot of fighting. I try to say things non critically but somehow I guess it is difficult to say. I have told her I want her to do it for HER (because I KNOW how nice it is to lose yourself in something, and I think it is important). But then she comes and goes...and is still unhappy in the end.
I do not think the issue will egt sorted before moving in together. she will stick to her guns that she HAS to see me at LEAST 3 times a aweek in the evenings. More like 4 times. She was not happy with letting me do my own thing more than 3 times per week...ie she wants me 4 times per week. I find that difficult as I am 100% committed to spending good quality time with her (eg one evening a week nice dinner only for us, and one whole day to ourselves eg sunday), and then another evening or 2 on our own just relaxing. But it does not seem to be enough.
So right now I am wondering it this is going to come down to this issue. All this effort. Wonderful girl etc....and yet I find it all a bit messed up. She is insecure in general with herself. I am nowhere perfect either but there are some things I do want out of life...dreams to chase etc. And she has said she doesnt want to hold me back. Basically said there is a door, if I need to go then I have to.
It all makes me pretty sad because I am in love with her.
Anyway. We will see. THanks.
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A
female
reader, samurai girl +, writes (24 February 2009):
 I, too, am a loner and am in a relationship in which I only see my partner once a week, if we're lucky, because of our jobs and we don't live close to each other.For me, since I am a loner by nature, the time you spend with your GF seems reasonable. But, everyone is different. I think the real problem here is that she needs to find some hobbies and friends of her own because she is too wrapped up in your life. I am not comfortable with the limits she has placed on you with regards to 'being home 3-4 nights per week.' You aren't married to her and you don't have kids. If this were the case, I might be in agreement with her. That sounds a little controlling. You sound like a nice guy. I would approach her in a non-critical way and let her know how YOU feel about the issue. It is wonderful that she wants to spend time with you, but she has to have her own life. I would hold off on anymore talk of moving in together until you get this initial issue sorted. Good luck.
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