A
female
age
41-50,
*76
writes:I don't know where to begin! I had been with my partner for 12 years. We fell out and were both too stubborn to make up. We sold out house and went our seperate ways. Before this I tried to reconcile but he didnt want to know. He had started going out all the time and I suppose thought that was a nicer life!The last month or so we have been getting on great and both he and I have said that we still love each other and hate the arguing. Despite this going on, there is a woman that he is friendly with who has a man of her own and kids but always seems to be running around for him and meeting up with him. He says its completely innocent as she has her own man. I dont think its natural behaviour for a taken woman to be phoning another man up to do stuff for him and to meet him in th epub etc. I went to his flat on Sunday to pick up our sons uniform and she was there with her two year old whilst he was cooking dinner!!!! I was gutted, yet still they he insists its all innocent he had too much food for himself so rang her to share it. He says he gets on with her and feels sorry for her because she lost her son thru bone cancer years ago and she has been very helpful to him. I think she has her eye on him because I dont know any woman in a relationship that fuss around another bloke like that. He saYS i am totally out of order for losing it and that I read far too much into it, but I have caught her having a drink in the pub with him when he has had our son for the weekend even after I have requested that he give her a wide birth when he has our son. I discovered that because he sent me txt asking if I was okay. I phoned him and he said it must have been an old text as he hadnt sent me anything and I was reading far to much into it. It turned out it was for her because he had been told her son with ADHD had trashe dthe house and attacked her. Thne she just happened to turn up at the pub as he and our son were finishing their lunch.Please someone tell me am I going bonkers and reading far too much into this or is she really sniffing round him cos she fancies him and am I out of line for expecting him not to be so friendly with her when he is telling me he loves me and still wants to be intimate or am I within my rights for him to give her a wide birth to save my feelings?? Please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): Are you giving him sex when he wants it? Well of course he will keep you in his life if you do. The only way to know for sure if he wants to be with you is if you don't have sex- unless there is a REAL relationship going on. (no one dates anyone else)
It's obvious to me he's interested in a relationship with this woman, although it seems innocent, it is the beginning of more-- if they are spending more time with each other. Of course it is wrong since she has a man, but neither of them have the decency to care.
When there's too much arguing going on, then you both need to learn to compromise, negotiate, solve issues if you ever want a lasting relationship. Be considerate of each other, and thankful for what each brings to the relationship.
I think it's worth 1 last try if you can do as I've said.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): Thanks for the advice, but the reason I am so upset is because he is telling me he loves me and wants to be with me and wants to be 'intimate'. He says he just doesnt want the arguing, which is funny because he would start them most of the time. He is comes round a lot and has had me over at his for a meal and stuff thats why Im so confused, if he cares like he says he does why is he sneaking about with someone who he says he only sees as a mate. If he loves me why is he purposely hurting me? I mean he said he would move to Canada with me in a secong if he new for sure it would work. Im racking my brain trying to find the truth.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): Thanks for advice, but as I said in my question he is saying he loves me and just doesnt want to argue. If this is true why is he more consider towards her feeliongs than mine. Its switch off and have bothing to do with what he does but as soon as Im out and about he wants to know all the details even turning up first thing in the morning to my house after I have had a night out. If he was telling me he didnt want me I would not be so confused but he is telling me the opposite.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (24 February 2009):
 I agree with Honeypie, you are not together anymore therefore you do not have any say in who he spends his time with.
However you do have a say in who he spends his time with while he is with your son - I can understand that you dont want your son getting to know another woman who may end up trying to be his new mum.
If you want him back then you need to tell him this. If not and you think it is totally over then he can do what he wants with regards to his personal life. He should however respect your wishes when it comes to your son being around this woman. If you are seperated you need to get some legal advice on custody of your child. You need to have a formal agreement of visitation etc so your child gets to see both parents but there are criteria that each parent has to abide by.
I know that may seem harsh but in order to protect your child's best interests you need to do this. I dont think you are going crazy with this one - it is weird that she is spending so much time with your ex when she has a man but this is not your place to question it.
I hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 February 2009):
 If the two of you aren't really together anymore then I don't think you can really demand who he can and can not see. (though I do think you can ask him to NOT include this women when your son is at his house)
She could be interested in him. It does seem odd that she isn't paying all this attention to her husband but a man she rarely knows. However with that being said, your Ex might not have picked up on that. Some guys are little "thick" when it comes to picking up on females feelings hehe
It could also be that she has needed someone to talk about her sons death. Her husband might not be willing or able to do so at the moment.
I think you need to stop analyzing his life and whom he spends time with. It seems a tad controlling of you.
Let him come to the realization himself about what her intentions are. He's a grown man.
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A
female
reader, T76 +, writes (24 February 2009):
T76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also forgot to say that I never went out much in the twelve years and when my ex realised I was off out he turned up at my house the next day at ten to nine in the morning with our son offering to help me look for a car!!He has never bothered before preferring to spend time with his friends- top which this woman is one! My head is so messed up
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