A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im having a very odd situation with a girl i have known for about two years now. I was in a advanced 3D design course and i sat next to her just because i knew no one in the class and she was cute and just gave off a good vibe. We talked a lot but she always seemed to take any stress she had out on me. I really liked her because she could be really nice and we had a lot in common but she just was always so hateful towards me i figured she thought i was a pest or something at the time but i also thought she may like me but never asked he about it because i didn't want more wrath then i already got if she shot me down. Well i graduated and started going to collage and she is a jr in high school now. I missed her a bit but never got stressed out about it just sorta accepted odds are i wouldn't talk to her much again. I was on facebook one night and my friend had just had a girl use him and i was talking him down from doing something stupid on a post. She saw the conversation i was having with him and she confessed that night that she had also had a major crush on me in that class even tho she was hateful to me. She just sat for paragraphs explaining why, and the key reason being that she always had a large amount of respect for me because i treated girls and others right.Well we started talking chatting and having good long conversations and we ended up flirting and getting into subjects that you do when someone likes another. She didn't tell me the first couple days of our talking that she had a boyfriend currently and still does as i type this. It just hadn't come up. She was pretty sure she was fine breaking up with him because they hadn't talked for a week or more and she just felt like it wasn't working. Well of course in typical fashion for me the night she was about to make it official and become my girlfriend for the first time in almost 2 weeks he pops up because she sent him a message saying their relationship isn't working and talks to her on facebook and she decides she cant break up with him because of he popped up for one day. They hardly ever get talk for assorted reasons and he is repeatedly almost uncaring but as soon as she brings up something isnt working he comes back for a few days and drops off again. They are not doing anything sexual at all they dont even get to kiss or be alone so its not like he is just using her for anything other then maybe to just know she is their. She came out a few days later after i kept talking to her after giving her a major chew out for leading me on like that and changing her mind and hurting me. She came out and admitted she is in love with me and she hates to admit it, more then her current boyfriend but she cant bring herself to leave him because he has been hurt many times before and he was her friend long before they started dating. She doesn't expect it to last at all so she wants me to wait around as long as i can. Normally when a girl asks this I call bullshit on it immediately and think she is using me as a emotional insurance policy, but im pretty sure she isn't.I have not let her get satisfaction from bitching about him i just say i wouldn't do that and move on when she does that to another topic.I have made it clear im not waiting for her if someone else comes along i like as much or better so its her loss if it happens. I may love her myself but im not going to wait around and be used. She keeps coming onto the brink of not only emotionally cheating but also physically cheating as well. She started out trying to avoid contact with me because it tends to want to escalate into kissing and making out at the least but its come close to more then that before i point out your talking about or trying to cheat. I have no clue what to do because the main reason she wont leave him and be with me when she has said herself and shows it that she would rather be with me is because she doesn't want to hurt this guys feelings. I keep telling her if she keeps emotionally cheating and only thinking about me instead of him (she has literally forgotten he existed while we were around each other because she gets so into me) will lead to him noticing she is growing distant and odds are hurt him worse because she is cheating on him emotionally and possibly physically if i get out of control myself eventually instead of stopping it like normal. Ive tried explaining that if she is honestly that much more into me then she would be better off getting out of the relationship while its young and trying to keep their friendship together because she puts a clear emphasis on that being important and not their actual relationship status. The only idea i have to make her get away from the guy from all my experience is to cut off completely and tell her to tell him she is cheating and follow me or stay with him and never speak to me again as more then a friend unless you she is single and away from him and sure they are over. So how can i show her or explain to her better that holding onto someone that you are slowly drifting away from will only cause him more pain? Do i wait all things considered and see if she figures herself out or move on regardless, or try to get her away from her boyfriend who she clearly is loosing interest in?Thanks!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (1 March 2010):
 Sorry, she doesn't love you or care about you. She is attached to this other guy for one reason or another but he doesn't satisfy all her needs, that is where you come in. Like Caring Guy has said you give her the attention she wants. She won't leave this guy but wants you around on the off chance he will leave her. Then she won't be left completely alone. You can do better. You are being used. And anyhow, she would do the exact same thing to you one day. She obviously doesn't have the confidence to leave someone on her own and make a mature decision, she needs to have others around to use and fall back on. Move on.
A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (1 March 2010):
 I was in a similar situation with a girl about two years ago. I spent almost four months waiting for her to break up with her bf who she kept saying that she hated but just wouldn't do it. From my experience even though we did finally get together and it didn't last long at all don't waste your time if she takes to long. She may just be using you both.
Also if your feelings are that strong for her like mine were in my situation then you'll persue her and find out for yourself. I'm not saying that it won't work out because there always is the chance that it will. You have to take whatever happens as a learning experience that way whatever happens you will come out on top.
Best of luck to you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 March 2010):
She doesn't really care about you at all. She just likes the attention and likes having you there as an emotional rock. Anyone will tell you that if a person really loves you, they will be with you. She's not really losing interest in her boyfriend at all. This is about her having her cake and eating it. Bottom line is if she loved you, she would have dumped him and would be with you. So the answer is to cut contact and move on from her.
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