A
male
age
36-40,
*blamelogic
writes:So my girlfriend and I have been going out for 6 months and we have a blast together. I've never been in a relationship so strong before. Recently, we've been fighting about one subject and one subject only: my smoking habits. It's not that I smoke cigarettes. I did, but I quit so that I wouldn't bring her trouble and also for my health but it seems she wants even more!Lately, the argument has been about smoking weed. It sounds trivial. I know but we both feel strongly about the subject but on different ends. She feels that I have to choose either her or the stupid plant, but I don't want to choose between her and a plant! I feel that it's trivial that she feels so dastardly strong about this subject and she cannot bring herself to understand why I feel that I'd like to have the freedom do it. It's not like I'm NOT willing to sacrifice it for her, but some of my friends are smokers and this is how I've spent time bonding with them.Right now, I'm overseas and I've met this girl in a different country. We're both from the states but we're both here on work visas so we could gain some money and learn about culture in this country. I mean, we usually bond pretty well and I can't believe a subject like this can bring the worst in her. Usually the argument doesn't start off as an argument; I bring it up because I try to understand her perspective on this but she always comes up with the same answers and expect me to understand her point of view because she had a friend that did before. She always says "it's because I don't like it", "I've seen it change people" or "My ex-boyfriend chose weed over me before" and refuses to explain any further. She always tells me she gets tired of explaining the same thing over and over again. I try to explain that I'm not addicted (I haven't smoked weed for at least 8 months!) and I'm not smoking right now, but I'd like to smoke a little more in the future. But she tells me that she's "Done with dating" and wants a serious relationship (but we're in one now!). We've talked about our goals in life and after the argument, she told me that her ultimate goals in life is to have a good job and get married. I remember she told me she wanted to travel and have adventures before, but I feel that she no longer wants that...I've explained why I liked smoking before. I told her that I've had moments in my life where I was really stressed out and that smoking the plant helps me relax. It loosens up my muscles and gets me thinking about more constructive things than destructive things. I think it's much better than drinking but she refuses to believe that alcohol is worse. I tell her that I've been smashed before and that smoking is better because it helps me calm down rather than become a party animal that risks hurting others because of my impaired thinking.I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to choose between her and a plant. I already made the sacrifice of quitting cigarettes but when I bring that up, she always tells me how she sacrifices her paranoia of having sex because she's so deathly afraid of getting pregnant or sacrificing herself because of my "laziness".I'm really trying to understand her situation but everytime the subject comes up, she shuts off and becames really reactionary. What do I do? I feel that this is going to be a big problem in the future and I'd feel miserable if she's going to prevent me from doing things I want. Are there other things that she'd want me to sacrifice for her? Is she going to like my friends in the states? I love her more than anything, but why is it that a ridiculous subject like this is bringing out the worst in us?Please help. I've tried to think about this subject over and over again and I can't seem to find a solution.
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male
reader, iblamelogic +, writes (10 May 2010):
iblamelogic is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey everyone! Thanks for all your answers. Much of them were well appreciated. I've read through every single one of them and, like most opinions, many of them were mixed between "dump her", "quit for her", "you're a loser for not choosing her" and "you guys should talk about it".
We've talked about this issue the other night and we came with a compromise: I would inform her every time I smoke and she would give me some time to decide about quitting.
Her side of the story was much like many of your opinions: It seems immature, irresponsible and its illegal. However, like I said before, it's not like I want to smoke forever and it's not like I'm not willing to quit for her. My biggest problem was the ultimatum.
I explained to her how it made me feel: trapped. I want to smoke but I also love her. I know she loves me too! But I feel that if I just do whatever she wants, I would end up being miserable. When we argued a week earlier, I remember telling her that if she really wanted to control my every action, she could. I would do anything and everything she asked. I basically offered to be her boy toy, but she refused. This really got me confused and I didn't want to believe that she was only trying to control me.
This is when I realized that she truly cared for me, and she was only worried about me.
This made me fall in love with her even more...
Eventually, when we finished talking, we made up, kissed, and promised each other that we'd never again yell at each other. Talking is so much easier anyway!
Thanks again for your replies, and a special shout to pinktopaz! You advice really helped me. Thank you!! :)
A
female
reader, ToadChops  +, writes (10 May 2010):
 Hi there, I am in a similar situation as your girlfriend.
I've been with my boyfriend who's your age for over a year. We are crazy about each other and really get on - except when the subject of weed is brought up.
Now, I used to smoke weed a lot, but to be honest that phase of my life lasted for about 3 months and I was single and at college. I personally would not care if my boyfriend smoked weed - a BIT. you know, maybe a spliff a day or so. But no, he smokes about 4 and then is proud of himself for having 'cut down'. Now I understand how being told to not do something often makes you want to do it more. But it really does change him. As much as I love him, he is unmotivated and lazy. He is unemployed and spends about 75% of his time smoking with his mates. Personally I find it pretty boring after a while. They will plan to do something interesting but ALWAYS end up back in his dingy flat smoking. If I am with him, he tries not to smoke weed much, but it always ends up with him going "man, I really need a spliff" every ten minutes until I feel completely inadequate to make him happy on my own.
If your girlfriend has had stoner boyfriends in the past, I can see why she's maybe a bit concerned. But she should also trust you that you're NOT going to be smoking all day, every day. She's with you for the sober you, not the giggly/lazy/bleary-eyed/not-all-there you. She should be able to handle that you sometimes, though!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): Sorry to burst the stereotype bubble, but decent men do smoke weed, and I think your girlfriend is being completely unreasonable in dropping an ultimatum on you. If you were an everyday smoker, she'd have a point, but from the sounds of it, you just want to smoke every once in a while with your buddies or whatever. You haven't even smoked for eight months and she's still riding your ass about it - she sounds like a real "my way or the highway" kind of gal.
One thing in particular also stuck out to me. You say she told you she "sacrifices her paranoia of having sex because she's so deathly afraid of getting pregnant or sacrificing herself because of my 'laziness.'" This sounds pretty manipulative to me - she's trying to get you to drop a once-in-a-blue-moon habit by making herself out to be a martyr. I call bullshit. I'd be worried about what she'll try to get you to do next if you do agree to stop toking - I bet if you give her an inch she'll take a mile.
Bottom line, she has no right to demand you cease smoking weed, unless it's actually affecting your daily life and productivity. But the reality is that you haven't even smoked for eight months, and all you want is the right to smoke every now and then with your friends. She's trying to control you, and that should have no part in a healthy relationship.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (9 May 2010):
 While I am totally for legalizing pot and think it has some great benefits, it is technically illegal and does get associated with a certain type of person. I think that it wouldn't be saying much for your case if you chose pot over the woman you care about. I know you think it's trivial, but it's not trivial to her and repeatedly telling her it's no big deal is only going to make the situation worse. If talking about it rationally doesn't get anywhere in the way of a compromise then I think you are going to have to choose between her and the pot. Maybe later down the line you'll be able to convince her to join in on the fun, but for now I think you'll have to choose.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 May 2010):
 I can see your point- but she has a point too. Weed is less dangerous than alcohol, yet in the long run it has a lot of unpleasant consequences affecting your health and behaviour, consequences that regular users like to miniize or dismiss aginst all evidence.
Plus, it's illegal in USA .It's a bit like you wanted to convince her that there's nothing wrong if you do a little shop-lifting every now and then.
I am afraid that what you think is an irrelevant matter may instead be for her a serious deal breaker, and , as she says, you'll have to decide whether to keep the plant or the girl.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): You sound as if you are trying to find fault in her. Why do you keep bringing up the subject with her anyway? Shes told you she doesnt agree with smoking weed and why. She is entitled to her own opinion. I did the same with a boyfriend years ago. Gave him an ultimatum. Me or weed. He chose me and over the years watched the decline of some of his "smoking" pals. And he thanked me for being a healthy influence on him. Your girlfriend just cares about you thats all. So stop nit picking and appreciate you have someone that loves you and wants the best for you. And if its her or a darned plant, it shouldnt even be an issue. You should be able to make that choice in a heartbeat...without resentment. As an aside. An ex of mine didnt want to give up the smoking and drugs. We parted years ago. Just caught up with him on FB. Hes 49 and dying of cancer. Weed, like any other drug, can be very seductive and lead Lord knows where. If your girlfriend has seen how its use has affected others and her past relationship, who can blame her for wanting better with you. If you cant see her reasons and that she cares very much for you. Well maybe shes wasted on you x
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A
female
reader, bigsister83 +, writes (9 May 2010):
You wrote: She always says "it's because I don't like it", "I've seen it change people" or "My ex-boyfriend chose weed over me before" and refuses to explain any further.She gave you three pretty solid explanations, and there really isn't much need for her to explain further. You just don't like her explanations. It's pretty normal for a person to not want to worry, "Hey. Is my significant other going to be randomly drug tested at work and lose their job this week?" It's normal to want someone with actual coping skills who can work through problems and stress without using illegal substances. Many people see marijuana use as a sign of immaturity--not a great quality for a life partner. That said, you obviously want to use marijuana. Cut the poor girl loose if it means that much to you. If getting high with your buddies is more appealing than being with this girl, let her know so that she can move on. She's being perfectly clear with you, and I sense that you know that she's not really the monster control freak that you worry she'll turn into if you concede.
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A
male
reader, iblamelogic +, writes (9 May 2010):
iblamelogic is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, thanks for the reply.I feel relieved to hear this from someone that feels the same way as she does about weed. The thing is, I don't think it bothered her too much in the beginning, until we started getting a little serious in the relationship. I already know that she loves me and that I love her. I'm fairly convinced that I want to stay with her much longer than just 6 months so I do not wish to part with her. So far, we've texted each other saying that we should talk tonight but I'm mighty nervous. I really hope that she doesn't choose her own ideology over my decisions...I'll take your advice into account. If she still tries to change me into a perfect guy then I'll have to rethink my priorities.Again, thank you for your answer. It really helped.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): Maybe you have got to the point whereby you either accept each other for who you are or decide you are not what you want. Trying to change people never works - it just builds resentment in the long term.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (9 May 2010):
I can side with her in a way, a guy that smokes dope is usually a deal breaker for me. Like alcohol it does impair your thinking...and typically I associate a guy who smokes as a little loserish and immature. I'm not saying that you are, but it's just something I'm not into and won't date.
With that said, if she knew you did these things (smoked cigs and pot)when she met you and now she's upset at you for doing these things, it sounds to me like she's trying to change you. So I can definitely see your point of view as to why you would be thinking that her trying to tell you to not smoke pot after telling you to quit cigs would lead to her wanting to change other things about you.
Personally, I think she will. She's trying to mold you into this perfect guy that she wants you to be. Don't get me wrong, she probably likes you a lot. But she wants to make you what she wants you to be. She needs to realize that not everyone is perfect and they may do things that she may not like. If you do things that she absolutely doesn't like, then she shouldn't have started dating you. I think you should do what you want to do. If it's not hurting others...you have every right to do what you want with your own body. You two may have to come to terms with the fact that you like what she doesn't like and vice versa, and either deal with it or go separate ways. But I'd steer clear of a girl that's constantly trying to change you, she still has a lot of growing up to do and she may never be happy and nitpick at you for anything you do that she doesn't like. No one is perfect.
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A
female
reader, brighter_than_sunshine +, writes (9 May 2010):
 Well honestly I think she has a right to be upset. I'm sure your a nice guy but you should quit if you really want to be with her. Just the thought of a guy who smokes weed brings up the thought of laziness and a loser. Decent men don't smoke weed.
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