A
male
age
41-50,
*by1
writes:my lifes just spinning out of control. 8 months ago i had everything, although it wasnt all good on the relationship front and hadnt been since sept 09 really when our 2nd son was born. basically we fell in love and left out partners nearly 7 years ago, we were best friends and i ruined it, i have sent and recieved expilicit emails, texts and on facebook. got caught out, said i wouldnt do it again, cos our love life became less and less, slipped back into doing it again. then have been caught again. thought id got away with it. but i had to move out back in may due to a housing benefits issue and moved in with a relative. since then weve drifted apart, and she has become colder, nastier and so on. since then ive realised what a complete twat ive been and just realized how much i love her, more than i ever thought possible. i totally adore her, my sons, her daughters (my step daughters) our home. i miss them terribly, weve been on holiday together, been out as a family and been out for meals together. but still she wont allow me back. she is now saying she is single, doesnt want to be with anybody just now, cant answer my questions about us so i go on and end up annoying her and we argue and fall out, which makes it even worse. so far ive tried everything to get her back, letters, texts, phone calls, flowers. done all ive been asked by her,she wanted a dog, i bought her and the kids a dog, decorating done, repairing her car, but its not good enough.gave her all my passwords to email and fb to check whenever if she wanted to. i get mixed signals all the time, recentley she messaged me, did you really think you was gonna get away with it? ive never phsyically cheated, i couldnt, but i understand what i did was so wrong. i wont do anything wrong again other than dedicate my life to making her happy and showing her i can be the man i was for afew years from when we met. we went out for a meal 3 weeks ago and she said i could stay christmas eve night so i can put kids to bed and wake with them on xmas day, then leave later in the day. i went to speak with her dad last weekend as they are close, i know he has made mistakes in his past with women and i laid it down to him, told him ive made mistakes but i love his daughter and adore her, he said he would speak with her, she then went mental at me saying stay away from my dad. and then msgd me when i was at work that i wasnt welcome at christmas, broke my frail heart even more and i had to leave work early as i was just so upset. ive avoided any contact with her at all since, well until saturday just gone as it was my eldest daughters birthday, she had presents for her, so she text me and i tried to keep no contact up, she asked when are you dropping B to me? i resisted, then i received, what a wanker you are. so this no contact doesnt work. She never confirms if were fully over though, i ask her, are you sure you want our relationship to be over? no replybest i get is ill decide if and when im ready......
View related questions:
at work, best friend, christmas, facebook, fell in love, flowers, moved in, on holiday, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): Come On OP, chin up. At least u now know what makes a relationship breaker.
LoveGirl
A
male
reader, tby1 +, writes (17 December 2010):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for all your words of help. Ill spend the next 35 years miserable, sad, lonely and regretting some texts and emails. Top work
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (17 December 2010):
 You CANNOT spin it back around, she doesn't want anything to do with you there's no trust, she can't bring herself to give that back to you, therefore the relationship is over. Stop being in denial over it, move on and accept the fact that this relationship is done.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 December 2010):
 Somethings just cannot be fixed, there's no going back, no way to turn back the clock, no magic wand, done bun can't be undone. Stop dwelling in your denial you can't ever get back what you destroyed.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 December 2010):
I counted 10 "I"'s and "my"'s in your last response. That's preoccupation with yourself, my man.
...............................
A
male
reader, tby1 +, writes (17 December 2010):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know full well I'm at fault. Other factors haven't helped along the way thou. I've admitted to her how wrong I was as I believed once she saw me being honest and taking responsibility she would become nicer and able to deal with things. But so far it hasn't. I'm asking for advice now on how I can spin this back round so we can have the special bond and relationship we had
...............................
A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (17 December 2010):
 You just don't get it, do you? You keep talking about how you're hurting and you're lonely and you're sad but not one single thing about how she might feel.
She told you she is hurt.
She told you she doesn't want to be with you.
If you love her you need to respect her wishes and actually put her feelings first for a change.
You are not entitled to someone's love because you love them.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (17 December 2010):
Mistakes made by you. I don't understand why you can't grasp the fact that you are at fault. This is damage beyond repair.
...............................
A
male
reader, tby1 +, writes (17 December 2010):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioneyes wide open. how am i selfish loving somebody with all my heart and would do anything for her? im asking how i can repair this damage and get her, my kids and my home back and my life. theres no need for all this hurt and anger by everybody.
i left my daughters and there mum to be with this woman because i know it was special, afew emotional mistakes shouldnt ruin and cost everybody there lives and futures
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 December 2010):
You are unbelievably selfish. Leave her alone, sounds to me like she's better off without you. If you truly love her you'll let her get on with her life but somehow I think you're too self-absorbed to do the right thing by her.
...............................
A
male
reader, tby1 +, writes (17 December 2010):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhave any of you any suggestions of how i can repair this and make her want me again please. im so upset i keep crying and breaking down doesnt matter where i am or anything.
she doesnt believe i love her, i say to her you wouldnt treat me like this if you loved me and she says straight away, if you loved me you wouldnt have done it. but i did and do love her, more than anything. i also say nobody could ever love,treasure or adore you like i do, and she replies if thats what love is id rather stay unloved and single forever.
this ladies hurt and unfortunatley her areshole of sister is helping her all the time so she isnt needed me, she started a mid wife course in sept and just doesnt think about me. most women with 5 kids and being on there own would struggle but thats another reason i love her so much, she is so determined to succeed and get on. i must get her back.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): You broke her trust, and more than just once. You really can't expect her to want to have anything to do with you. Just accept that your relationship is over and stop whining about how can you get her back. sorry you've already had so many chances and you blew it, game over. understand?
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 December 2010):
Look Buddy you cheated on your ex to be with your most current ex, then you cyber-cheated on HER two times. Why can't you admit that you failed both women and betrayed both women (albeit it sounds like your second ex is a cheater as well)? You will always end up in this situation until you start behaving with some modicum of honor and integrity. You are in some kind of denial and you'd best shape up and be a role model for your kids, or in twenty years they'll be writing us.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (14 December 2010):
 She is not trying to ruin your life - she has simply broken up with you because she cannot handle your behaviour any more. In a way you ruined your own life by treating her so badly, and this is something you are going to have to come to terms with.
But if she is trying to keep your children away from you and stopping you from seeing them - then this is wrong and you need to seek professional, legal advice in order to get access to your children. No-one is saying it is ok for her to stop you from being a dad and seeing your kids - we all agree on here that that is very wrong.
But you cannot blame her for the break up - I'm afraid part of the blame, if not the majority of the blame has to lie with yourself. You were the one that chose to flirt with other women online, and you were the one that chose not to take advantage of the second chance she gave you, so you chose to break the trust and in essence, caused the relationship to breakdown.
The chances are you wont spend forever single and lonely, you are still young and there are plenty more women out there. Right now you need to give yourself time to heal and allow yourself to grieve for the loss of your partner, breakups hurt and it takes time to get over it. So allow yourself to feel sad for a while, and slowly, with time you will get over her and you will feel better about everything. The time spent with her is not wasted time - you have beautiful children that have come out of it, plus you will have learnt many valuable lessons that you can take forward with you in the future.
I totally understand that right now you are hurting and that is perfectly normal. But just give it some time, sort out your access to your children and move on. You will be happy again one day, but for now just let your ex go and start to accept the situation.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, tby1 +, writes (14 December 2010):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo some of you are saying its ok for her to ruin my life then? So I've now got to spend the rest of my life single, miserable and lonely and that's fine then. Waste of 7 years when I shouldve obviously just stayed with my x
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 December 2010):
I read your other posts on DC and now ater this one I see this cybersex happened more than one time. You've had your second chance already and blown it. I'm afraid that makes you SOL my friend. Seek visitation rights to your kids, you won't get any for the stepkids I'm betting, but at least you will still be part of your kids' lives albeit not your lady's.
...............................
A
male
reader, tby1 +, writes (14 December 2010):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain, I was meant to be having my daughter for the afternoon evening on her birthday. Seeing as my x is so adament we've split up I don't really want her seeing my daughters anymore, she is having them round all the time just now, and this it to get to me and upset me as I'm not allowed round. My x has teamed up with my previous x who I left for her and they are trying to ruin me for some unexplained reason
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (14 December 2010):
I cant see why that matters? She wanted to know what time this child (step daughter or not it is still a child who she cares about) was going to be returned to her (you said in your post "when are you dropping B to me?" - that indicates she was going to your partner's house).
In all this mess the kids, step children or biological, need to be put first - so their safety, health and well-being is your priority. This means stopping all the silly fighting, playing games etc and if either of you ask a question about the children, then the other MUST reply. Simple as that. Otherwise it is going to be the children who suffer here all because of your, and your partner's actions.
...............................
A
male
reader, tby1 +, writes (14 December 2010):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFao kc 100, this wasn't her daughter it was her step daughter who doesn't live with us.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (14 December 2010):
Look, let me make this clear - what you did IS cheating. Yes it is not physical cheating, but it is emotional cheating and this can be just as hurtful, if not MORE hurtful than pure physical cheating. You have to try and see this from her perspective - she caught you out having these 'emotional affairs' online, and gave you a second chance. You did not love her or respect her enough to stick to your word and you went and did it again. She has every right to be upset, hurt, angry with you and it is not a surprise that she wants nothing more to do with you.
I think you have hurt her beyond repair I'm afraid - it will have been hard enough for her to give you a second chance, never mind finding out that you have done the same thing all over again. Just because you have realised you love her now, does not mean that she should feel the same way too - I think you are too late. You had the opportunity to fix it when she gave you that second chance, and you blew it. You say you wont do anything wrong again - but this is useless because when she gave you that second chance you will have promised the same thing, but then ended up hurting her again.
So I am really sorry but there is nothing you can do to fix this, it is over and you have lost her. I think it is time to accept that she does not want you anymore, you have hurt her one too many times now and that is it, its over.
She is wrong to try and stop you from seeing the kids - if you are still contributing financially towards them then you have every right to constant access to them. So I think you need to either go to a lawyer or citizens advice bureau and get some advice on how to go about getting access to your kids. You need a legal document in place so she cannot deny you from seeing them just because she is pissed off at you.
And one more thing - are you really surprised she called you a wanker when you did not let her know about the safety and whereabouts of her child? No contact is the right thing to do because she needs space and time to heal, and the more you pester her the more angry she will be.
However this DOES NOT apply when you have the kids in your care - if she asks about the child (not about your relationship) then you HAVE to reply, you cannot ignore her and not let her know where you are with her kids, what you are doing with them, what time they will be home etc. As a mother her first concern will be the safety of her children, so she needs to know what time they will be home, so if you are really late then she would know that something has happened and she can take action. So NEVER ignore her when she asks questions about the kids, that is not fair and it is a sure fire way to give her ammunition in case she ever wanted sole custody of the kids and wanted to stop you seeing them. You cannot be immature and irresponsible when it comes to your kids - so make sure you always contact her, or reply when she contacts you when it comes to your kids.
All I can suggest to you now is that you leave your ex alone for a while, give her some space and try not to contact her unless it is about the children. In the mean time, visit a lawyer and get some advice about setting up a legal access plan for the children. And then start to slowly come to terms with the fact your relationship is over, it will be hard and it will hurt but at some point you have to accept that you have just hurt her too much to ever get back together.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (14 December 2010):
Dude, you did wrong by her. You broke her trust in you not once, but twice. Now suddenly you got the wake up call and want to get back together but she is still hurting. You can't just do nice things for a couple months and think you'll be good to go. Life and love don't work like that.
So right now you need to back off. Maintain contact when it comes to your children (no contact doesn't mean you ignore her when she's trying to set up something for your daughter, for Pete's sake!) and stop putting so much pressure on her. Going to her dad was a bad move. Focus instead on being a good dad and keeping the lines of communication open for your kids' sake and nothing else. If she's going to come around, she will come around of her own free will and not because you're pushing her, okay?
...............................
|
