A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need help. I dated my girlfriend for a year and a half, and it didn't take me that long to realize she was the one. On top of that, she would always talk about "when we got married" and how I was "too good to be true." Needless to say, she was completely in love with me. The past couple of months, our sex life took a hit and she was clearly distant from me. I would ask her about it and she would blame it on her depression. I would then know to back off and would offer my support to help her in any way I could. I admit that my ego started to take a hit, as she was not the same girl. One day about a month and a half ago, I confronted her about everything and she said that she wasn't sure about anything, including our relationship and every other aspect in her life. I did not know what to do except to leave. We ended up talking on my ride home and she said she still loved me but probably needed time to sort her issues out. I told her to take as much time as she needed. The next day, she called me and said that she was willing to work it out with me and knows that it's not me, but her own personal problems. This began a cycle of breaks/ reunions which never lasted more then 24 hours. Finally, she was going back to her parents for a week and the day before, told me she wanted to break up with me. I then left, heartbroken and hopeless. She called me 2 days later saying she wanted me back and wanted me to move in with her. She stated how she knew she would regret losing someone like me and I was truly what she wanted. We then spent two great weeks together, and I thought that our problems were behind us. Before I could even settle in the new place, she became distant yet again, but this time, couldn't bring herself to even hug me. After a week of this hell, I had my last straw and moved out and told her I didn't deserve to be in this type of relationship. The day after, I sent her a text message apologizing for the fact I left like I did, and told her I still saw a future with us but we both really needed time apart to sort ourselves out. She sent a text back, completely agreeing with me and asking that we don't forget about each other so that we can possibly have a future. We didn't talk for the remainder of the week, and she asked me to a movie today, as friends. I told her we should probably wait to do that. She then said she was busy all week and this was her only opportunity, I then told her how I wasn't going anywhere and that I wanted to take things slow. My question is: In my mind, this girl is still the one for me and I desperately want her back. Am I handling this right? Can anyone help me develop a strategy or some sort of concrete plan to get try and get her back? I am not prepared to let her go, she is the girl you do not let go of. Thanks for reading, your feedback is more then appreciated.
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heartbroken, moved out, sex life, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI figured I would provide a follow up as a means to organize my thoughts, and advice is always apprechiated. So, as could be assumed with my relationship with this girl, she came back. After a good 2 weeks of giving her the freeze, she begged me to come over and talk it out. She looked horrible, had dropped classes, hadn't eaten much, and seemed to lose self respect. She told me how she was really depressed about everything, and realizes that she needs help and realizes that I love her regardless. Needless to say, we set out to try again. 3 weeks go by, seemed like it was getting better and better. She was more affectionate and was in an overall state of happiness. And Alas! she breaks it off yet again! This time, she cites her need for professional help and how it is something she needs to do alone. (She actually made an appointment). She stated that whom she is to see, specializes in relationship issues and she has to figure out why she had wanted to hate me some days, and realized she loved me others. Her opinion is that she is still affected by the abusive relationships she found herself in before, which is something she needs to break free from. I understand she feels that she needs space to find mental stability, but how much can one man take?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 July 2010):
 I'm sorry, I misread your followup. You don't think she is getting the help she needs. That's worrying and very discouraging. You have to consider that this isn't about you failing as a boyfriend or good friend--this is a about her and her mental illness.
At a certain point, you're going to have to let go if she hasn't managed to accept help and in fact, may need to let her family know. Sleeping for 14-15 hours a day is extreme and unhealthy, especially since you said she has stopped her therapy.
I'd make sure that her family knows of her current mental status, if you believe she's been hiding it from them, and then you have to let her start her own healing process. It isn't that you don't love her or care about her; it's not that. She needs to WANT to save herself; you can't make her do that. Sorry. :/
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 July 2010):
Well, if she's getting help and still has trouble, I think this is beyond your skills, well-meaning though they are. I'd let her get herself together, trying to force a relationship on her isn't actually the best thing for her.
I'd advise you to go on and try to date other women, even if you aren't that interested. She may see this and it may spur her to 'fix' things but I would not count on it, if I were you.
If you do manage to get some sort of commitment to a relationship from her, I think you now know what the years ahead will be like. Ups and downs. You need to decide now if you can tolerate this, because this is what you are going to get. I'm very sorry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the guy suggesting she is with another guy, my answer to you is there is no chance. I have plently of reasons why I know this, but I know you're looking out for your fellow man, and I appreciate the input.To everyone asking about her depression. She is clinically diagnosed, and has been taking medication for a number of years now. She was seeing a therapist until the 2 or 3rd month of our relationship. The depression was the catalyst for everything, I know it and she goes as far as taking the blame for everything that happened. While she started to distance herself, she began sleeping for 14-15 hours a day, missing class, failing homework. I have repeatedly told her that I see it getting the best of her, and I admit I was not fully prepared for it.It is at the point where I really don't have a place asking her to get help. I tried a number of times and her response was always that "she didn't want to be dependent on me to solve her problems." Yet, she has never taken it upon herself to seek the help she desperately needs. I am not only worried about losing her, I am worried about her well being.
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A
female
reader, babigurl0497 +, writes (26 July 2010):
 Well, I think you should let her go, and if it's meant to be sometime down the road you two will end up together, i'm sorry, but if she is going to break YOur heart then mend it, then break it again, it will happen more, so LeT her go and if she really loves you, she'll come find you, and you two will be happy, and if it's not meant to be i'm sorry but there are plenty of other cute smarT incredible girls out there for you, and you will find the right girl, TRUST ME!!!!!!!!!!:)
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A
female
reader, blahblahblahh  +, writes (26 July 2010):
 You say your girlfriend would blame it on her depression, does your gilfriend have clinical depression, some other form of depression diagnosed by a professional? Or was that just an expression she used if she was going through a down patch? If she does suffer from depression, then this could all simply be because of her ill mental state. Maybe she's having a bad bout of depression that's effecting her thoughts and perhaps she if being effected too much by her depression to handle a relationship. If she's just going through a down patch then what's caused it? I think you need to talk to her in depth about whay it is she's feeling this way, and what's brought it on. Can you think of anything you've possibly done that's caused her to distant herself from you? Is there more to it than her just behaiving this way? You need to understand why your girlfriend is acting like this, otherwise there's no solution.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): sorry to tell you this but she has absolutely no interest in saving this relationship...every time you try you just making it harder for her to move on, which is exactly what she wants.
3 words,, LET HER GO..you dont need to hold on to her any longer, LET HER GO
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your advice and think it is extremely logical. I am fully prepared to give her space, but my major concern is: how much space do I give? If the past is any indication of the future, I have all but 3 days before I hear from her again. I suppose I need a preemptive reaction for those times where she does contact me, as I am obviously not strong enough at this point to say what is necessary. And more importantly, when do I attempt to test the waters of dating her again?
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A
female
reader, RAVEMORE  +, writes (25 July 2010):
From what you're saying, she doesn't sound like she really wants you away from her.I understand that the "push/pull" situation hurts you and makes you feel manipulated. It sounds unhealthy but she is not in a healthy emotional place.I am wondering how much that depression is affecting your girlfriend's reactions. Is she taking any medication? I think that some medication can affect one's libido and also cause severe mood swings. Has she been diagnosed as Bipolar? That might explain the distanciation.It makes sense that your girlfriend wants to sort out her emotional issues before she commits to you. It shows she has respect for you and values your future projects.If you want a future with her, it seems you are doing the right thing by giving her time. Basically, you are acting like a good husband,showing her you will be there if the going gets tough.You are showing you are sensitive to her issues, willing to compromise so that she can sort them out.I think it's good advertising as husband material ; )Hopefully,you will find a way to be happy together and project your love story in the future.
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A
female
reader, loraemoon +, writes (25 July 2010):
 poor you, this must be confusing for you, im sure this is a type of depression that does need to be delt with maybe she feels trapped in some way i think maybe you should sit down and really talk this through and ask her to seek help maybe councelling i think this is possibly the only way she can get out in the open that is really bothering her,
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 July 2010):
She sounds like a confused soul, honestly. I think if I were you, I'd probably just let her reach some sort of equilibrium, make sure she was getting help for her depression and then think about dating her after she had had some professional help. Just saying you have depression and then doing nothing about it... well, that's not forward progress.
It's not about you handling things correctly, it's her needing to deal with whatever it is that is troubling her. Give her space, don't get sucked back into the cycle of reconciliation/breaking up until you have seen proof of her having counselling sessions or she has been on medication for at least 3 months. I think you may have an idealized notion of who she is--you see her as the 'one' when in fact she has demonstrated to you over and over again that she does not see herself in that role.
Some clarity of vision here, wishful thinking and hoping alas doesn't cure relationship problems, much as I wish they could!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): sorry mate , this one sounds a pain, youve given her enough of your time and patience, if you can remain friends but make sure that you dont get hooked again, you gotta break the cycle, either she will move on or will realise what she could lose. but this could be painful. good luck
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