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male
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anonymous
writes: My Girlfriend refuses to take the any form of contraception OR let me use a condom.It takes much of the pleasure out of sex for me as I am constantly thinking about preventing orgasm inside her.She has let me use a condom on a few occasions but complains of being 'allergic to the spermicide'. On one occasion I opened a condom packet after foreplay and she simply got out of bed, got dressed and started walking home in anger!! She also refuses to consider contraception of her own - I've thought about everything, the pill, the cap, injections etc etc - she just simply isnt interested.It's killing me as I love her, and we do have regular sex, but I have to keep track of her periods to try and use 'The rhythm' method - which as I know is a gamble in avoiding pregnancy. She seems very cavalier about the whole thing, its almost down to me to keep track.A while ago she complained of having stomach cramps and feeling sick. I was convinced this must be pregnancy related and we bought a pregnancy test which thankfully proved negative. She almost seemed disappointed!Is there ANYTHING I can do here - or is she just being unreasonable? I dont feel like we are at a stage in our relationship where we could support a baby. I'm very very confused emotionally.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2006): Hiya, I have read a lot of the replies you have received, so I know this will sound like a broken record now. Sounds like she's trying to trap you. My advice would be dump her, move on and find someone who wants you, not your DNA. Of all the contraceptives out there she cannot be allergic to all of them, if you did talk her round to using any, who is to say she will use them correctly (i.e. the pill, it only works if taken, she could say she'll go on it to keep you happy and then not take it).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2006): dump her!!!!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (13 April 2006):
 I have to agree with sexybum's comments, I think your girlfriend who I also thought was a lot younger has lost something in her life, possibly a baby or love from someone. Has she lost a parent or sibling and she is looking for love from someone else i.e. a baby that is unconditional love in her eyes.
The emotions she is displaying almost sound depressive and if she has experienced loss in any way i.e. miscarriage or bereavement then constant tears when you are trying to be responsible about contraception must be so confusing for you.
Perhaps you could contact Relate and they can put you in touch with a sexual therapist. Keep talking to your girlfriend about everything and try to get to the route of why she is acting like this. I realise you love her and if she needs help then keep communicating with her and definitely remain celibate for now until you know the truth about everything. If your G/F will not confide in you then I think you have to face the fact that you will never get to the route of the problem and if you stay with her then you are going to put yourself through emotional hell.
The longer this continues you will also get more down and depressed and then that helps no one.
Stay strong and positive and get advice and see if any of your G/F's outbursts mirror other medical problems such as depression of some sort.
BFN
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A
female
reader, Sexybum +, writes (13 April 2006):
 Heya, just read your feedback and I have to be honest when I first read your question I thought you were talking about a girl a lot younger! Honestly I thought she sounded like a silly teenager trying to have a baby!
The fact that she's not a teenager raises some more issues. I mean you can understand a naive little girl acting so uptight and reacting that bad, but for an adult, it must be more serious.
Do you think there are any underlying issues here... Why is she so keen to have unprotected sex, and why does she react like that when you try to use protection? How very confusing for you! She was tearfull!? Has she been pregnant before and lost the baby?
Honestly the more I learn about the situation the more I think that there seems to be some underlying issues causing her behaviour. I couldn't possibly suggest what they may be, why, it could be anything! Have you thought of confronting her from this angle?
If it appears that there are underlying issues then talk to her about facing up to them, pherhaps with a counsellor. If you are there to offer her support, you may get to the bottom of this......
But that is not a guarantee and I could be way off the mark, it could just be her personality....
Let us know how things progress, From Sexybum xox
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2006): She is 23 - I am 26. I slept with her last night and tried once again to use a condom - unsuprisingly she reacted badly, by ripping the condom out of my hand and throwing it across the room. To cut a long argument short, I told her I wasnt prepared to keep having unprotected sex. The argument culminated in her rolling away from me in the bed, tearfully, and refusing to allow me to so much as cuddle or touch her the whole night. She hardly spoke to me this morning before I dropped her off for work. I think its pathetic but still love her - dont know where things will go for here - but thought I would update you. Thanks again for the advice.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (13 April 2006):
 There's an old joke that goes:
"What's the technical name given to people who rely on the Rhythm Method method of contraception?"
"Parents."
You and your girlfriend are taking an awful risk of pregnancy with this. Are you aware that you can have millions of sperm even in the clear liquid that sometimes forms as a droplet at the end of your penis? You don't have to ejaculate inside your girlfriend to cause a pregnancy, just rubbing that small droplet at the entry to her vagina is sufficient to get those sperm to their target. You might think you're pretty controlled, but it's 100% certain that you'll slip up eventually.
Your GF appears to be *trying* to get pregnant, and you seem unwilling to recognise that fact.
The only way around this is to stop having sex with her, change to non-vaginal sex, or resign the two of you to almost-certain parenthood. Withdrawal and other non-barrier contraception methods ARE NOT reliable.
I strongly suggest that you and your GF make an appointment with Planned Parenthood or another contraceptive clinic and discuss your options with a medical professional. You need to find and agree on something your girlfriend will use and can't "forget". If she refuses to go with you, then you can be certain that she only wants you as her soon-to-be baby's daddy, and that she doesn't care one iota about whether you want to be a father or not. I'd hope that you have the good sense not to stay with someone who'd care so little about your opinion and feelings (not to mention your parental desires).
Take care.
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A
male
reader, tux  +, writes (13 April 2006):
 I would say you are a lucky guy.. if you wanted a kid.. because it does sound that she is trying to get pregnant.. which if you are not ready for.. I'd run away while you can. or just stop having sex with her until you are ready to have a kid. Don't rely on the rythm or the withdrawal method. they aren't a way toprevent pregnancy..
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (13 April 2006):
After reading your question and everyone's replies, I must congratulate you on actually coming onto this site and asking for advice.
You sound level headed and mature in mind.
Your girlfriend sounds extremely insecure and immature. From what you have described, she also sounds quite young and considering I live near a town where all the young girls - anywhere from 16 upwards are pushing buggies around so that they can get a flat with their boyfriends, she is being unreasonable and her behaviour is totally unacceptable.
I know you love her but love is about trust and honesty and by not talking to you fully and walking out on you for refusing sex she is not giving you love but just throwing a tantrum cos she can't get what she wants.
There are so many responsible girls out there so cut your losses before it is too late and walk away with your head held high. If she does not change her attitude towards sex, I would always be wary of her though as saying you are taking the pill for instance and actually doing it is two different things. She seems to have gone to great lengths already and the big question now for you is if you can ever truly trust her word ever again.
I wish you all the best and keep us all posted on the progress.
BFN
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A
female
reader, Sexybum +, writes (12 April 2006):
She'd love that, unwanted for you but wanted for her!! How old is she?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2006): Guys - just wanted to thank you all for your responses - I am the original asker of the question, and have chosen to remain anonymous. All of your points are valid, valued and echo those which the few friends I have confided this issue with have given me. It's a bitter pill to swallow, as I love her so much, but a little voice at the back of my head seems to be asking 'what are her motives for this'. I'm convinced that there is more to this than just that sex with contraception doesnt feel as good for her, or that she is 'allergic' to contraception.
This has been the subject of many arguments and i'm getting to the stage where I feel like im going to have to call off our relationship, if she isnt prepared to take a more grown up attitude to contraception, even though its going to hurt me big time. I guess at the end of the day its either that or face the prospect of an unwanted pregnancy - which wont be fair on anyone.
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A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (12 April 2006):
 Just the last word here. Having responsibilities means you will pay emotionally because I can't see how you can stay with someone so manipulative and are bound to split up. The other thing to mention is (to use capitals again)MONEY. How would you like to consider paying 15% of your gross salary every month until the child is 18 and then funding university. Add up in your head how much that could amount to. Rather an expensive kind of lovemaking. It will alter your life forever.
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A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (12 April 2006):
 I totally agree with everyone else here, your girlfriend wants to get pregnant!
Unless you are ready to be a father and take on all the responcibilities that having a child entails you had better stop having sex with her.
She is being incredibly selfish and only you can ensure that she doesn't get pregnant by refusing to have sex with her, unless some form of contracetion is used.
Tell her you are not ready to be a father, if she refuses to use contraception and will not allow you to either you will really have to ask yourself if you want to continue in a relationship such as this.
It's your choice whether to become a father or not, do not let her make this decision for you, you could live to regret it!
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Sexybum +, writes (12 April 2006):
Heya mate, its quite simple really...
SHE IS TRYING TO HAVE YOUR BABY
She's not even considerring contreception because she WANTS to have a baby!! Unless you wanna be a dad stop sleeping with her and put your foot down, once she's pregnant that's it, she WILL have your baby and you WILL be a father.
I'm sorry to use foul language but its bollox that there is NO contreception whatsoever that she can use. Like you said you have made many suggestions, all kindsa pills, not just one, so if she's tried one and its not suitable then there are lots of other ones to try. There is the injection, coil, implant, patch, the list goes on.
Like a previous answer says there are also condoms that are made for people that are allergic to spermicide. You can make appointments at sexual health clinics which you can BOTH attend. Check out this website www.fpa.org.uk
Its all about contreception. I really think you need to stick up for yourself here as she is using you as a sperm bank. UNPROTECTED SEX=PREGNANT GIRL.
What she is doing is not fair, she is putting far too much pressure on you and I can't beleive the way she got up and walked home on you. How rude and damn childish. You deserve better and you deserve someone who respects your values as well. Relationships are meant to be two way not one.
Sorry I can't write more I have to go, but I hope that website is helpfull, you can even get advice there as well,
From Sexybum
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A
female
reader, mystic_helper +, writes (12 April 2006):
Yeah you need to sit her down and explain the risks. Ask her if she wants a kid, cos if she does and your not ready, stop having sex!! easiest way!!
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A
female
reader, auntie claire +, writes (12 April 2006):
 dear reader. it sounds to me that you girlfriend is trying to trap you a little here and may have some security issues she needs to deal with. you sound very mature and its good that you are keeping track of whats going on but you are right it does put a bit of a damper on the sex life.
I honestly don't know what to suggest to you that she would go with if you have tryed talking to her about it already.
May-be if you start refusing sex with her untill she grows up a bit you must have had the conversation about babies before and you BOTH need to be ready for that big comitment if she's not prepared to listen to you then she's just being silly i'm affraid you do not need to be trapped and tied down with a baby your not ready for.
tread carefully i hope you get to the bottom of all this
all the best xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2006): Hi there. To me she is being very unreasonable. Not only is she putting you at risk from her getting pregnant there are also STD's to consider. This together with the fact that she sounded disappointed of not being pregnant puts doubts in my mind of her intentions. I think you need to sit down and try and have a heart to heart about this. You personally cant do anything here apart from tell her that until she agrees to either contractception or allowing you to wear condoms then sex is definitely off limits! Oh one more thing, my ex sister in law had the same problem with reacting to the spermicide in condoms - she spoke to her GP and there are condoms out there (sorry dont know the name) that you can use that will prevent that from happening.
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