A
female
age
51-59,
*hocked and confused
writes:MOD NOTE...The title you chose has been used in a previous question, so i've tweaked it a bit.While I was back home on vacation by myself, my husband went out, got drunk and went to a hotel with a prostitute. He kept this from me for 5 whole weeks and broke down in tears on the phone exactly one day prior to me going back to him. He said they had sex but the condom broke and he might have contracted an std because he was having some crazy symptoms. Right now he's undergoing a number of tests and so far, the results that came back were all negative. I obviously stayed back home in my country since I'm still under a great shock! He keeps calling me and sending me emails asking for forgiveness and to give him another chance and the reason as to why this happened was because he got drunk. I am so hurt right now, not only because he went and did what he did, but in the 2 and a half years that we've been married, we probably had sex maybe 20 times!!!!! He constantly rejects me saying that he's either tired, stressed or not in the mood! You can imagine what state of mind I'm in right now. How the hell you don't sleep with your clean wife, yet go pay some dirty whore that might have given you a lifetime disease??? He promised me things will change if I go back and that he will become a different person. Shall I believe him? Shall I give him another chance? When I asked him if the reason as to why he told me was because of the possible std, he said that he couldn't live with the guilt especially if the std was passed onto me. Please help me. I'm in desperate need of your opinions. I have a decision to make because back there I have my job waiting for me. So what is going to be.....me staying here and start my life on my own again (we don't have kids) or me giving him another chance and go be with him?Thank you all for your advice...xx
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condom, drunk, in the mood, prostitute, std Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2010): The way I see it, you just got a "get of out jail" pass from a sexless marriage with a cheater who now has herpes. Run for the hills and thank your lucky stars that you are now free to get out of the mess. If you were having sexual problems before he cheated, your marriage was already on it's way down the tubes.
You can get another job, but herpes is forever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2010): Your worth more...bringing kids into this would just be silly...have some respect for yourself.
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female
reader, DazedConfused  +, writes (6 August 2010):
Got to admit, if mine had come back with a disease he wouldnt have gotten through the door. I dont think I could let that one go.
I wouldnt want him near me!
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (6 August 2010):
 Yikes, he's got herpes..well there's meds for that but idk if he can give it to u. That would be something to look into..U have some females on her saying give him another chance and the majority vote plus 2 male views kick him to the curb. We dont know him as a person so honestly we dont know if he'll ever be good to u again. Is there potential? Yes, Im hoping he's learned his lesson.
-U could take him back but by no means make it easy on him, major probation period for however long u decide, plus marriage counseling gotta solve that sex part..remind him if he screws up again he will be out that door so fast his head will spin with divorce papers and a pen in his hand.
-Kick him to the curb, u decided one time is all it takes and u dont know if he can mend his ways and give u the love and passion u deserve. Hey u deserve to be treated like a queen.
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female
reader, shocked and confused +, writes (6 August 2010):
shocked and confused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello and thank you all so very much for your time and your opinions! You have no idea how much you guys have helped me! In the meantime I have spoken to him again (over the phone since we're in different countries) and once again he sounds very hurt and in great disbelief as to how he could have done something like this to me. Also, this morning he got more tests results and was found to have herpes even though he hasn't had any visible bumps or blisters since this happened over a month ago. I'm still extremely confused even though I seem to have calmed down a little bit.
I too used to tell him and my friends that if he ever cheated on me, that would be it...im out the door, however, when it really happens, it becomes a totally different story (unfortunately!). I've been living the past couple of weeks as if I'm in a dream. It's like my head is completely detached from my body....what a scary feeling!
As for the sex part, I asked him again today if he had such problems with other partners before me since we were only together for a year before we got married and didn't really get to see what he was like (Big Mistake!). He did say he had the same problem with the partner before me but never before that. I asked him what he thought happened and he said that his priorities were all messed up and that if I'm willing to reconcile, he'll become a new man. I really do love this man and stood by his side even though I wasn't getting the attention I deserved. Thus the reason as to why my mind is in a great state of confusion. I also know he could be a great father if we ever have kids, however, is he ever gonna be good to me???
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reader, Logicgirl  +, writes (6 August 2010):
 Kick his ass and then dump him. Well you say he slept with you 20 times!?!! And he refused you?! AND THEN HE GOT DRUNK AND SLEPT WITH A PROSTITUTE!!? WHY THE HECK DIDNT HE BOUGHT THE ALCOHOL AND DRANK AT HIS HOME?! He obviously was with her and then he slept with her. Dont give him an another chance. This marriage is done. I am so sorry because it wil be hard for you but, start anew. It'll be the best for you. Good luck with your life and be happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): I really feel for you, I understand how bad you feel and how hurt. You need to work out what was positive and negative before this even happened. If you took him back, you have to forgive him and i mean fully, you cant judge him for it everyday of his life. You have to be able to love him in the same way again..to be able to have sex with him and stuff. You need to work out can you really do that? I know I couldnt...and 9 times outa ten men change for a short time until your back and then there just the same again. This happened to me only it wasnt a prostitute, he begged for months for me to take him back and I did...but it never lasted I couldnt forgive him...and every time we talked or had sex i thought of it continuosly. I hurt myself more going back. I hope you find the answer but do you think he'll change? can you really get over it?. Be strong...look after yourself now...before anyone else. Goodluck xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): So should we assume that had the condom stayed in tact then you would be none the wiser? He did not tell you because he felt like dirt... he only told you because of the risk of you finding out anyway through an STD. I'm sorry for your situation but there is no way I would trust a man like that he could cry and text for the next 100 years. He had the energy for alcohol he had the energy for sex with a hooker. Wipe the slate clean and tell him to get lost - you can find another job and you don't have children (thankfully). It will be a lot easier to just stay where you are. If you rush back to him you are giving him the green light to treat you like a fool. Give yourself a chance for a new life instead of one ruined by his revolting behaviour.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): Wow so he was never interested in sex with you and would rather go to a prostitute? This is your perfect chance to get out of this sexless relationship. He went out and looked for sex, he actually PAID a woman to have sex with him. Even though he has a wife at home. That to me is the low of the low.
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female
reader, DazedConfused +, writes (6 August 2010):
After a year and half with my husband, who I loved with all my heart and i genuinly believe he loved me. He cheated on me, it meant nothing to him and I know this for sure. Like with you he broke down and told me the truth. At first I was angry and upset and crying, then I felt nothing and was numb completley. We broke up for a few months and I gave him another chance. We stayed together another 5 years or so and although after time it didnt hurt anymore and we still had some amazing times together after ward, I guess I had lost all respect for him. I ended up not caring as much as I didnt before. I dont get me wrong I think I still loved him. But I didnt feel our marriage was the same after this. Ultimatley even although 5 years had past since he cheated, it really was what ended our marriage because of the change in feelings and the change in my attitude afterwards.
My suggestion to you is, if you dont think you can forgive and forget this dont go back. If you truly love him and think you can make it work well go for it. And certainly dont go back if you think you will be throwing it back at him every arguement. This wont help your marriage and it wont make you or him feel any better.
On the positive side, after my husband cheated on me I trusted him more than I ever did before because he was honest with me and told me about it.
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reader, veronika  +, writes (6 August 2010):
 I'm all for giving people second chances if I feel they deserve it. Think about it: do you think he deserves a second chance?
He screwed up, and he should own that and admit it - which is basically what he's done.
Couples are definitely able to survive infidelity. It just takes two to reconcile. If you feel, in your heart, that you still want this man in your life then let him have a second chance. However, if you feel, in your heart, that he really isn't the man you want to spend the rest of your life with then you know what you should do.
You're the only one who can answer "should I give him a second chance", all we can do here is put it in perspective for you. Good luck :)
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reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (6 August 2010):
Thank god he got tested!! Phew, im a lil relieved for u on that. Now im going to tell u him getting drunk is a poor excuse..Come on i count how many times Ive used that excuse. It doesnt fly, u still know whats going on when ur drunk. Well the sex slowed down or stopped for a reason..Sex is part of a marriage, its not the number one thing but it is a factor. As for taking him back, do u want him back? Can u trust him again? Or to u is cheating a deal breaker, u broke our sacred vows now here's the curb? Its hard to say bc if it were me and my husband, I would be absolutely way too hurt and shocked to take him back. One time is all it would take for me....But thats me and I cant forgive easily or forget. If there's any ounce of yes we could work though this I would take that lil voice...But dont make it easy on him..tell him he's going to be on a probation period so u can see if he has changed or is making improvements. Best of luck to u!!
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 August 2010):
 It sounds like he has separation anxiety so he would drink himself to oblivion. Ask him why these 2 years he's been having excuses not having sex. You can't trust that he will become a different person. He needs to be a different person now. What steps has he taken to improve things? Has he looked into himself, his issues about women and himself? Was he ever attracted to you? Why does he want to go back to you if sex is unsatisfactory to you both? If he's afraid of losing you why would he do self destructive things? Does he resent the fact he needs you therefore he's acting out? Stay where you are and keep talking to him. You don't have to break if off completely yet.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): I think he got an std and knows he can't keep it from you and is finally admitting to his infidelity. As he rejected you for all that time, he was deff already into someone else that whole time; torn and dealing with it. It was the std that drove him to talk, and he's not telling you everything.
Also, because you are on a trip, this is his way of controlling you. He is trying to manipulate you to not go astray, playing the "redevotion" card, and the humility card, and the "wanting you" card just to keep you under control. I can promise you that while he's texting and emailing you about how in love he is, he's sending out all kinds of bait trying to nail his next hit that lives close to home.
I say leave him, and while you're out there, emotionally cut this husband dude off, and start flirting around.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): You have a job, go back to it. Make sure your stuff is out of the house and you're in a new apartment. Get a friend to do it for you and pay some movers. DO NOT SEE HIM and DO NOT let him convince you to stay.
Come on, married 2 years and had sex only 20 times. There were issues in this relationship. I'd walk away and never look back. You have no kids and deserve to be treated better!
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