A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:MOD NOTE: OP's own title.My wife and I are trying to reconcile but there are problems. Among other problems we're having is this: I find it difficult to forgive her for not having communicated to me, for not having expressed herself. She kept many things secret from me and then resented me for not guessing or knowing or begging her to tell me what was on her mind. Then, she went ahead and behaved badly in secret. To me, it seems she is not sufficiently sorry about this. She still blames me, it seems, for not being "more sensitive." Well, I am not a mind reader. She never tried to explain these things to me. I am wondering if I am wrong to expect her to explain clearly what she wants. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): And let me tell you this; when your wife does get this "domineering" guy, she will have more problems that she could have never imagined. I don't know what the hell is wrong with people....both men and women. You are blessed if you get a half way decent person in this life time to have a relationship with, and I find that people complain about the silliest of things...things which really don't have any baring on making a relationship successful. It seems as though many just want what they want, which is probably one of many reasons for the high divorce rate.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (6 August 2010):
 Haha, wow..ur wife wants u to read her mind and do anything from pick up groceries, to fulfilling her fantasies. How long have u guys been married? I gotta tell my husband repeatedly something if i want it done..most of the time I just do it myself unless he's the only one who can do it...then ill be lucky if he does it in a week. I dont think she's behaving badly, just being unnecessary. Tell her in a nice way "u have to remind me to the do these things, then I will do them if thats what u want" assuming u dont have a problem with doing the things she asks u? Im getting the sense the problem runs a lil deeper than her wanting to read u to read her mind.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for answering so thoughtfully. I'm afraid that I have never been good at putting my foot down and drawing lines in the sand. That's probably the problem. I've been told I'm not emotional enough, that I don't have much of an imagination. In my own defense, I should say I can be broad-minded and when we went to a therapist, I hardly found much to object to, even when she counseled me to just go right ahead and indulge for awhile my wife's every wish. I have done so and don't regret having done so but I do regret the fact that her attitude still seems to be: everything's my fault for not being sensitive. I am coming to the conclusion, which I will tell the therapist at our next visit, that the root of our problem is that my wife wants a more domineering man than I have been.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): Your wife really needs to grow up--SERIOUSLY! Life is too short to be playing games and breaking up over trival matters. Anything that is worth having in this life is worth fighting for and if she isn't willing to fight for this relationship then shame on her.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat did I do to "make her behave badly?" I wasn't "sensitive" enough (couldn't read her mind). She wanted me to do things without being told or asked to do them, from picking up groceries to fulfilling her wishes and even her fantasies.
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (6 August 2010):
 Unfortunately, if your wife has a problem, she is going to make it your problem. She is basically testing to see how much you will put up with, because she actually does expect you to magically know the answer. Like many women, she is more addicted to the emotional ups and downs of constant drama than to contentment (read: boredom).
There are two realistic ways of appraoching this. You can continue trying (and failing) to anticipate her needs, in which case the problem will never go away and her resentment will only grow.
The other is to take charge. Sit her down and explain that you do not expect her to read your mind, so you will not be expected to read hers. TELL her to grow up and communicate, in a firm but gentle way.
It should not be a discussion, merely a statement. Tell her that you want to make her happy, but that she is going to have to make her desires clear and reasonable. Tell her if she can't take that much responsibility, you will take it as a sign that she does not really want anything.
...............................
A
female
reader, veronika  +, writes (6 August 2010):
 It sounds like she has poor communication skills, or she's just scared of opening up. It always amazes me how people can just end up married when they're shitty communicators (mainly your wife, I'm referring to).
You're not wrong in wanting her to open up. That's a fundamental part of marriage, or a long term relationship. She may need counselling, also... it sounds like it. She may have some issues stemming from her past that doesn't allow her to communicate effectively.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): Simply put: if your wife doesn't enough common sense to express herself to you, then IT'S HER PROBLEM, therefore don't make it YOURS. If anyone is being "insensitive" it's her at this point because, you are trying to work things out with her and she is simply playing the blame game and ignoring your request for her to open up. If she is in the same age group as you, she really needs to GROW UP ALREADY. Furthermore, what did you do in the marriage that she feels caused her to behave "badly?"
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (6 August 2010):
Well ur a husband who clearly wants to listen!!! Can u talk to mine for me? Lol, jk. Is your wife really passive and not really one to talk about things, gets into fights and just says whatever and shrugs it off? As women were tricky, we sometimes tend to wear what were feeling on our face, so we feel like u dont care when u dont ask us whats wrong, or on our mind. I know it sounds silly, and it is. Sounds to me like ur wife is having trouble telling u how she feels, ask her what is going on and that u want to work through this but there has got to be better communication. Ask whats going on and that ur going to try to listen and take in consideration her feelings. Sometimes in arguments we just want u to put yourself in our shoes and think about how we feel. I know its hard bc im trying to get my husband to listen from my viewpoint. Let me know how it goes, or if u have any communication tips to share too!
...............................
|
