A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,I would be so grateful to anyone who reads this, i appreciate I am one of many letters on this forum, but your advice would not just help me but anyone else in my situation. Thank you in advance for taking your time to read this........................I feel I am about to explode if I don't talk to someone, so I would be grateful for some advice, i will try to keep it as short as possible.It began 2 months ago, I had just become unemployed this November and I drifted away from friends, became depressed as I had lost any hope of gaining work. I also began to think that because I am 30 years old soon, I would like to find love. I have never been in real love with anyone before and I thought I would go online to try dating, I have been lonely and depressed and was naively looking for someone to make me feel better.Anyway, I began to write to a couple of men, but it was slow until, I got a message from this romantic black man, (now previously I had a brief fling a year ago with a black guy , who unfortunately I discovered was in a relationship already, but I knew deep down I was not in love, but my impression of black men was not good at this point. I also was aware that my parents being very traditional and old fashioned would go crazy if i ever dated anyone black or mixed race.)I started getting romantic, complimentary messages and being a typical libran, I am a sucker for the flattery and charm, I purr like a kitten with all those honeys, loves, darlings, flowers and kisses stuff, so this black guy wrote, now I ignored him for 2 weeks and decided he was a forbidden fruit, 1) My parents would disown me if this worked 2) had bad experience with a black man3)perhaps there were other men, white men, just as nice? well, guess what i did, I don't know whether I did it to rebel against my parents, or to give him a chance, but something drew me to him................Well we wrote beautiful letters and this went on for weeks and weeks, we decided to meet, not once to tell anyone friends or parents, he was falling in love with me and I held back, but I certainly felt very strong chemistry, I told him i loved him just to not hurt him, but deep down i knew I was going to cause him hurt by going ahead because of my family. We shared a loving, passionate weekend, I told my dad , he hit the roof and said he would never speak to me, he would not have a black man in the house, my mum said she would not look after any black babies.She ordered me to get the morning after pill, I am 29 years old!!! Now I come from an educated professional family where I was brought up in a conservative household, however, I love God and I believe black people can be equal to white people.We met last week for the first time (he lives 4 hours away) and he absolutely has fallen head of heels in love, with me, he is so devoted and I trust him , he would never cheat, he said I am the perfect girl for him and wants me to be with him forever and ever. He is an educated man, has a degree, a teacher and studying an MSC soon in mathematics, he is driven, ambitious and any match for any white man, but because he is black, my dad would not EVER accept him.My lover's mum died when he was 7 and he will not talk about it, his father, sister and brother live in canada and so he has no family and envies my close family. He wants me to himself and is VERY possessive. So now I feel so confused, I am nearly 30 and for the first time in my life someone REALLY LOVES me, but I am not sure I can cope with all the challenges ahead, also my lover he is controlling,possessive, as a capricorn I find him very influential and I am easily swept away by him, so my interests may be put aside.1.Do I stay in this relationship because I should experience real love and maybe learn from this2. stay because he loves and is devoted to me and I know he would do anything for meor leave him3. my parents have done everything for me, spent a fortune on my education, loved me supported me for 29 years and would be devastated if I dated a black man4. Turn against my parents-date him in secret and hurt my parentsSo, lately I wrote my lover an email and said I wanted to call it off , and have some time to think, he said if I finished he would cry for months he saw us having a whole future together, I can't hurt him I hate hurting people, he is so sweet, please help me what do I do? I am everything to him, I don't want to break his heart but i can't break my parents hearts.I hate myself for getting involved in this situation, I pray to God to forgive me for any hurt I am causing.thank you if you read this letter to the endI am so grateful for you taking the time to read this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there,
Thanks to all you replies, I found them very comforting and such helpful advice, well, unfortunately, we have gone our separate ways, 'As it is' you were right, I did not truly love him and although at the moment I am gutted about it, as I still care, I tackled him on the 'crying for months', and I truly believe he was trying to make me feel guilty all along. It had to end, I think I ignored the early warning signs of possessiveness, I impulsively wrote to him and said I needed to alone, I think the rooted problem was he was scared of losing me, so he pressured me by phoning, checking up on me, and he has now taken away his profile from the dating site, so it really is the end, I feel like crying my eyes out, but I now know there is hope, and with time, I am sure I will find true love equally on both sides.
A
male
reader, davie  +, writes (11 February 2008):
Only you can decide what to do and I can understand your anxiety over the choices to make. As the other post said it is your parents who have caused this problem. If they weren't so racially intolerant and more accepting of their daughter's choices there wouldn't be a problem.Your parents aren't demonstrating any love or support so maybe they're not worth the consideration. It sounds harsh and cold, but remember that is how they're treating you.Follow your heart.
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A
female
reader, speedcat  +, writes (10 February 2008):
Wow, seems that either way you look at it SOMEONE is gonna get hurt! My opinion is that if you trully love this man TRULLY then you should be with him. your parents are in love, are they not? Love doesnt come along easily some people go a lifetime without finding true love sad isnt it? Your parents should see past his color, Are they gonna disown you? I mean I could see if you were in an abusive relationship, or you were SHACKING UP with a DRUG DEALER, but to not give him a chance because of his color doesnt seem fair. Try not to have bad feelings towards your parents this was probably there upbringing, they are a different generation. Many people will give you different advice, based upon there own personal feelings, this is sort of one of those things that only you know what you should do, ultimatly you have one life and DESERVE to be happy. good luck here if you need to talk.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (10 February 2008):
 I'm sorry but it's not you causing this hurt and pain, its the prejeudice of your parents which is just flat out wrong. Everybody is entitled to a point of view but that entitlement becomes more questionable when that point of view starts messing with peoples lives and leads to the propagation of misery; there is plenty enough damaging prejeudice and mistrust in the world without it being added to.
I appreciate your parents nurtered you but they raised you to become an adult functioning as one and I strongly think you should follow your own path to happiness on this one, partially because I simply do not see your parents perspective as valid. However, there are other good reasons, from what you are writing here i feel that if you dont then you will be setting yourself up for alot and I mean alot of regret. Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, As it is +, writes (10 February 2008):
Do you know, I actually think that you have answered your dilema yourself! Re-read your post, and you will find that NOT ONCE did you say that you were in love with him (and mean it!)!As adults, we are NOT responsible for the happiness of another, in a relationship we are there to ENHANCE the life and happiness of another - NOT take someone for oursleves completely! He is very needy, and you mention he is very controlling and possesive - these are not healthy qualities to have in a relationship, especially so early on! Also, if he truly loved you he would not lay a guilt trip on you i.e. saying he would cry for months...If you were in love with him, trust me, you WOULD know about it, and the challenges that lay ahead would mean nothing because your happiness and love would outweigh the problems. You would need patience, and your parents would need time, but once they saw how happy you were - IF, you were in the right relationship, they would come round.One of the qualities of love means being happy, and to me honey, you don't sound very happy! You have been hopelessly flattered by his words, as anyone feeling lonely would be, but I think he is taking advantage of your caring personality. You musn't hate yourself for getting yourself into this situation, because you haven't done it alone - he has pushed it along so fast, not you!I once finished with someone because I saw no future with him and was no longer in love with him. I broke his heart and it broke mine at the same time to see the hurt I had caused, but, a couple of years later he actually thanked me, he saw we wouldn't have made it long term and had found someone else that made him happier than I ever could.It takes courage to hurt another, but you also need the strength to be true to yourself, and judging by what you have said I think you have that strength.You have a very caring nature, and one day someone will come along and fully appreciate it, not take advantage of it, and you will be filled with warmth and happiness. I don't think this relationship is that.I think deep down you know this isn't 'the one', but you don't want to lose the fact that someone says they love you so much. Hang in there, one day someone will come along and say the same words, and you will be able to say them back without there being a big grey cloud lurking!Good luck and stay strong and true to yourself, you deserve better!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): someone who truly loves you?i pray everyday that i find someone like that instead of always being the one that loves others a very complex issue however do you really love him or are you just happy that someone loves you?regarding your parents this should not be an issue as it says in the bible when one gets married their loyalty is to their signifacant other not to their parents (forgive me if its not exactly right im a little rusty when it comes to scriptures but i know it was something like that)however it states in the bible all men are created equal im sorry but it seems like your parents are hypocrites beleiving in the bible yet acting in such a manner the best advice i can give is do you truly love him and does he truly love you if the answer to the above is yes then your parents should not be an issue seek this out no matter what i am a firm believer in "love conquers all" no matter the obstacle,be it racism or poverty if love is strong you will be able to get through it
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