A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my wife for 15 years. About 7 years of dating and being engaged, about 8 or so of it married. We have 2 amazing kids. I adore my wife. She's beautiful, my best friend, I love spending time with her. We started dating our Senior year of High School. I lost my virginity to her after we'd been dating a few months. She had lost hers to a boyfriend about 6 months prior to us dating. Her relationship and sexual experiences with him didn't matter much to me until we were sexually active. Then, it mattered a lot. She didn't share much of any of her sexual history with me at first. Over the first couple of years, through conversations about him she began to share more and more, but mostly just the basics. How often, some of the crazy places, stuff like that. I never liked it (of course), but we got married, had babies and for the most part, let the past live in the past. It always bothered me a lot, but I was happy. About 2 months ago, this guy (her only other partner, that she lost her virginity to at 16) sends me a linkedin (social media) request. Our industries don't match, we were never friends and we have nothing in common (except her). So, naturally I'm curious. I tell my wife about it, and I let her know that it sort of bothers me and makes me wonder why he's contacting me after all this time and for seemingly no reason at all. So, we start to talk about her experiences with him and she basically divulges everything she didn't tell me before. And out of it comes the admission that he had hepatitis C and that they had unprotected sex, but she's really not sure how much that happened. Then she tells me that she enjoyed sex with him, that he was good, and that the sex was good. Not really things I wanted to hear. Some of these things came from me asking, others she just told me. But the situation really made me pretty crazy, especially the hepatitis thing. I didn't know much about HPC, so we looked into it and found that it's not really a common STD, but transmitting it is possible. So she was tested and it came back negative. What a relief, right? Well, now I'm a mess. I'm constantly worrying about trusting her and thinking about the two of them together in a blissful way. From the stories she told, they had a lot of sex...some ok, some pretty good, some good. She's trying to help, because she can tell that it's bothering me...but I'm afraid I won't ever forget. I truly want to let the past go, but I'm having a hard time letting go. I love and adore my wife, I don't want to harbor these feelings. Plus I want to truly be present while my kids are growing up...right now, that's hard.
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best friend, engaged, her ex, jealous, lost my virginity, sexual past, std, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): Your jealousy can't give you STDs. Her lying can. And she only fessed up 15 years later because she was about to get caught.
You have a perfectly valid reason to be furious and lost trust in her. This goes beyond any reasonable definition of "harmless" lying. It's just wrongful deception on her part. There is a severe breach of trust and it needs severe work to heal it. Don't apologize for how you feel when you would be crazy not to feel this way.
You need to cope with your sexual jealousy. She needs to face how wrong this was. She also needs to be making amends because she is sorry and not just because she got caught.
A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (29 December 2010):
You need to find out why this bothers you so much, because I can tell you that it has nothing to do with your wife and everything to do with you. I agree with dirtball, try some therapy. Don't light a match to everything you've worked for. And, don't accept the old long forgotten bf's linked in request. That would be pointless. Get a grip, man. Tend to your family, and accept the love your wife is trying to show you. She loves you -- not him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): On one hand, I know how you feel. My fiancee dated a guy before me that was very well endowed and she liked the sex. I found out through friends that she liked him a lot more than she let on. It drove me nuts for a while. But that was at least 2 years ago and I'm over it.
On the other hand, you have been with your wife for 15 years and this guy is ancient history. Let it go man. Do you really think its a problem she enjoyed it? Wouldnt you want a woman who enjoyed sex and didnt have hangups? One who chose compatible guys to have fun with, rather than having a poor choice in men?
She should have informed you of the STD. That was wrong of her. But what she did before you sexually or how she felt about it is her business. You shouldnt hold it against her. How do you know it was "blissful"? Isnt your marriage and children more blissful? You've known her as an adult. THey were practically children when they had sex. It isnt the same. I dont even count my high school sex anymore, and that constites about half of my sex life in terms of number of partners.
But I am still not clear why the STD has anything to do with him contacting you or why that is even occurring. I would not accept. No reason for this guy to be in either of your lives at this point.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (29 December 2010):
 The joys of too much information.
If she wanted to be with him, she would be. You're the only man she's had in her life for almost half of the time she's been alive and all but 6 months of her dating life. That's commitment!
There is no sure fire method for getting rid of retroactive jealousy unfortunately. You either come to grips with it or you don't. I just beg that you don't lash out at her.
It's good that you talk about these things. That communication will be vital for you. If you haven't shared what you're feeling, you should. Make sure to tell her you know this is your issue and not her fault, but you can't help that it bothers you.
She loves you and wants to be with you, only you. Take comfort in that. You might want to consider some therapy. It could give you some coping strategies for getting over this.
Good luck. My standard answer to these is: People's past makes them into who they are. They are the same person you fell in love with, the only thing that's changed is your perception of them. If you love them, then the past doesn't matter, only the present and how they act and feel toward you now.
I know you know that. So digging down to find out what's really causing your issues is what I hope you could get from therapy.
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