A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel a little silly, and scard to type this question, but i'm at a dead end and i don't know what else to do. i am 31 years old, i was divorced 8 years ago from a very controlling manipulative man ... we had 2 children together. i swore to myself i'd never end up in that sitation again ... it took a long time to heal. unfortunately i fear i have done the exact opposite and i don't know how to get out. i am currently in a long term relationship, we have been together for 6 years - he has one son that lives with us. after 4 years of dating i moved my children and myself out of state to be closer to him, after another 2 years we moved in together just this past july. we were engaged on march 19th 2010 but no date is set at this time. i am terribly unhappy, i feel like he doesn't understand me anymore and that he has changed. he used to be so caring and attentive, cared what i had to say and treated me like an equal. it was like a dream come true. slowly though, over time he started complaing about my friends .. causing me to avoid seeing them to avoid confrontation - sometimes out right demanding i terminate the friendship. i am ashamed to say that i complied and have lost some very good friends because of him. he started resenting my up beat attitude ... told me it was 'annoying' b/c he wasn't in the same mood. then it started in on my decision making - telling him i had to discus everything w/ him first b/c that's what couples do. if i didn't or if i protested suddenly i was being 'authoritative' and 'pushing him around' he hates my mother, and even though he won't admit it, i think he's trying to alienate me from her and my family just like w/ my friends. he gets mad if i even talk on the phone to her - saying i need to be spending time with him and that i'm always on the phone. which i am not, i talk to my mom maybe twice a week for maybe 10 minutes .... i used to see her every single day before i moved here. i feel like i've already lost her and it's breaking my heart. he tells me i am a bad communicater, which maybe i am, but i try - and no matter how i address something he tells me it is wrong, i'm either to detailed, to vague, to mean, to authoritative, or to nice. i feel like i can't win for losing. recently it has escallated to a point that i can never forgive myself for what has happened. i found out i was pregnant ... and although i was not planning on it, i was happy about it. when i told him he had a full out panic attack ... told me we couldn't keep it b/c our other children would 'suffer' it's not a money thing - we both have really good, stable jobs, he was worried about the time and emotional support needed. i can barely type the words, but he made me terminate the pregnancy last month. i know i could have walked out of there, i could have and should have told him no, but i felt so helpless and devistated he reacted that way that i just went along with it. Every day now i feel like i'm dying inside, and i can't escape it. i need HELP!! we've tried councelling - it only worked for a minimal time, i've always been religious - but i dont feel like i can go to church ... he feels differently about it than i do, he's never told me i can't go, but makes me feel guilty if i leave without him. this has been going on for years, sometimes it gets a little better - and he's like he used to be, but it alwys goes back to more of the same. i've tried to leave so many times .... a few months ago i actually started to pack, took time off work, told himi i was out of here. he begged me to stay, crying and pleading, my kids didn't want to leave, so i caved - telling him that if it happens again i'm out. the thing is though .... each and every time i tell him i'm leaving he won't let me ... physically will not let me. he backs me into a room, or a corner yelling at me until i can't take it anymore and give in. he has never hit me ... but is very intimidating. i don't know how to get out of here and i'm scared. there are so many other things ... he broke into my house once before i moved in with him because i told hm to leave and locked the doors behind him .. he only left because i calld 911 and he was scared. later on ... after the police left he came back, and picked the lock to get into my house to yell at me some more. telling me that he only wants 'good things' and wants to love and be loved ... and to be honest with each other, but even if i am honest - he thinks i'm lying to him. i'm so confused, and i'm sorry for the long rambling questions .... i hope it makes sense and someone can give me some advice - i can't even talk to my parents about this b/c i'm so ashamed. i shouldn't have moved here, shouldn't have moved in with him, shouldn't have accepted his proposal .... so many bad choices. :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted to provide an update ... i have left - one month ago today. i moved into my parents house for the time being and myself and my children are doing great. This was so difficult ... more so than i ever realized - but i am NOT going back ... ever. Once that first painful step of getting out was made it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. do i miss him? of course ... but i don't miss him at the same time. i am in therapy, and so are my children ... although you all helped me to see things more clearly i wanted to thank you Cerberus_Raphael especially ... your words really hit home with me. shortly after this post i started planning ... got a savings account, talked to my parents and contacted my local domestic abuse shelters. i called the local authorities to advise of my situation and my plans, and have notified my local police as well of he possibilities. he has not tried to see me ... has not called since the first day. with all of my heart ... thank you, and God Bless.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all so much for your responses .... all very good, sound advice, and i'm very grateful. i was actually beginning to think i was going crazy, starting to believe that things are my fault. it's so sad really, i know we aren't married, but it really does feel more like another divorce to me. i'm going to leave, i've decided that ... i will call my dad to help me - he is a retired police leiutenant, if anyone can help me he can. even if only to be here when i get out. all of my belongings are in this house .... and there are things i can not leave .. i will have to unfortunatley wait a little longer ... i have to have some money saved before i can leave, but that shouldn't take too long. i also did research domestic violence resources in my area as suggested, i guess i never realized that my situation would be considered domestic violence, but according to all the warning signs of it .... my relationship shows all the signs except for any physical abuse. i don't know how i got to this point in my life again. not too long ago i was so confident, so self-assured, taking care of myself and my kids, and proud of who i was and what i had accomplished. i don't know how to stop this cycle. i was so careful this time too - watched all the signs from my previous relationship, stated my mind, handled life how i thought it should be handled by my own thinking .... it's so scary to think you can be that vigilant and yet still get to this point. it creeps up on you ... slowly, one little thing at a time until you are so sucked in and it blindsides you when you realize. but by that time it's too late .. you're stuck. i'm so very sad ... when we have good times, they really are the best times, but these other things just blot it out. you get to a point you are afraid to be thankful for happiness and peace because you are constantly waiting for that ball to just drop on you and for it all to fall apart. it feels so good to get it out there, even if to a bunch of strangers, it's' like a weight off my shoulders, i dont' know why that is? if anyone else reads this ... please don't end up like me! it's a terrible situation to be in .... and even if you love the good things about him ... and i assure you there are many good things about my fiancee .... it's not worth the bad things. i'm living it - it only gets worse, it does not get better .... i will try to keep you updated ... thank you all again for your uplifting and encouraging words. God Bless.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): As everyone has said, you need to leave as soon as you can. Don't tell him you're going to leave and do it when he's not home. Go to a shelter if you have to, or go to your family's home. Tell your parents what is going on, there is nothing to be ashamed of and I'm sure they will help you.
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A
female
reader, Bubbabay +, writes (30 December 2010):
 well you need to get out of there before he seriously hurt you. you dont need that fool you can make it with out him. you do not need to live like that. you are a lady and a lady deserves better. the best thing to do is leave when he goes to sleep and go to a family members house or friend. this is not safe for you or the kids. that man has a serious problem that needs to be fixed.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (30 December 2010):
 You managed to pack and you almost left once but you didn't because of your children. This time you have to do it, this time you pack, you walk out of that door and no matter how much anyone starts crying you KEEP walking because you KNOW it is what is best for you and your children.
Do not feel ashamed to talk to your parents about this, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about and your parents will want to know, they will seek to help you, you are their daughter, they raised you and love you, they will take care of you. You also have to get a restraining order filed against him, I am pretty sure you will succeed after you tell them that he has broken into your home before. You can win this.
You can be everything you were before. Be that up beat woman, be independent again and smile. He will not control you anymore. Perhaps one day you will find a man who will love everything about you and I know by now it must seem like nothing more than a mere fantasy but there are men out there who are not like your exes. Do not let them paint a black picture of the good men, the ones who will love your positive attitude. Just never let ANYONE even attempt to control you again. I think you should start reconciling with your friends again and stand by them, the ones worth keeping will be the ones who stand by you after you tell them what happened. Good luck.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, Nonamus +, writes (30 December 2010):
You need to start saving as much cash as you can. Put it somewhere safe. Pack just what you and your kids must have, then as soon as he leaves for work, put your kids in the car (don't tell them anything before this), then drive straight to your parent's house. They will always love you no matter what you've done. You need to get away from this guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): They say that (especially in a relationship) if the person you are with brings you down by saying that you are not good enough or by controlling you and "jealous" of your up beat attitude, its because they are insecure themselves so they try and make you feel the same way. contact family and friends and if they canot help immediately contact 211
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (29 December 2010):
 You need to contact a womens refuge, domestic violence is what they deal with and they can help you. I did a small course on the subject recently. They say it takes approx 7 years to leave someone for good if they are suffering like this. You will attract this type of man because of your demenour, you have to be able to find courage and self worth and build your self esteem up. There is people out there who can help,try to find information on the internet for your local confidential services and they will talk you through how to deal with it.
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