A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I love my wife very much but I am going insane. We have sex once in three months. I feel a physical disconnect even though I try to cuddle kiss and initiate love making. I believe that in life if you do not want something to happen, you will find all excuses for it not to happen. We are both busy, but again which parent is not ? It kills my esteem and many times after being 'rejected' i have to go get tipsy at my bar to fall asleep. i think I am a good lover b/c when we make love she gets multiple O's. I did not date a lot b4 marriage but i was lucky to have someone who was really into me and we had great sex. I love my wife but i feel like room-mates, business partners. Always all about paying bills and kids. Trust me, not having time or being tired is not an excuse. I ask myself, does she really love me ? Lost physical attraction for me ? cheating on me ? I just do not know. I am 44 she 42 and 4 lovely kids. I feel so empty. I think I am good guy...Always throw her a bday, party, gifts, compliments..out of love not desperation. That is just who i am. I am very expressive in showing my love. Am I trying to hard ? I have seen many guys who do not give 1/100th of the care to their women but their women just flaunt themselves and give it all to them. Is there something wrong with me ? I is really a 'bad' thing to treat a lady nicely and shower her with love, care and complements ? I am emotionally exhausted. I want someone who can spice up our nights once in a while. Who can treat me like her king and shower me with affection. I will return the same with immense intensity. I do not know how to love a little bit. I give my all, yet I am left with no affection in a sexless marriage. I am ready to give it all up. Please, help me !! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 June 2013):
 MB 129, I think you did not bother to read all my post, or you read it and missed the point of it.
Also pulling out a tooth at the dentist's takes less than 30 minutes, - do you look forward to do it ? do you CRAVE it ? Or, do you do it just out of obligation and health maintenance ?
The problem is not finding 30 extra minutes for sex - the problem is finding the want, need , mood , desire for those 30 minutes. Of GOOD sex. It if it has to be good it has to be good for both .
4 kids ( surely a blessing under many other aspects ) CAN throw quite a monkey wrench in the machinery, for the reasons I have mentioned . And that you discount, I susppose, for inevitable lack of personal experience - you might be a parent, but surely you have never been a full time mother.
I did not suggest the OP, anyway, to just put up and shut up , because the wife is tired, so tough luck. I indicated a few things he could do to bring the spark back, and told him to try and discober his own. The problem being reviving the spark for that 30 minutes of GOOD ( good for both) sex , not just convincing her to stay there with her legs open for 30 minutes.
A
male
reader, mb129 +, writes (13 June 2013):
Seriously CindyCares? It's OK for once every 3 months because they have four kids? Good sex takes, what, 30 minutes? Give me a break.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 January 2013):
FOUR kids ?... Then I think that not having time, or being too tired, is a good excuse, because it's most probably the truth.
Spicy fun ? Role play ?... He he. The only role play I was up to when my son was little, was with him. He was Batman and I was Robin.
If she has a job, plus has domestic responsibilities , house chores and child rearing, she'll be VERY tired. Exhausted , in fact.
If she is a stay at home mum, she'll probably be a tad little less physically tired, but psychologically all... numbed up with domesticity , for lack of a better expression.
Meaning, she'll want and need some " only me " time, - for her to refresh , destress and rejuvenate, she'll probalby crave an hour all alone in the bathroom to shave her legs or apply beauty creams, more than a session with you and your new leather handcuffs.
I am sure that she still loves you, and cares about you- but, believe it or not, an uber-amorous romantic husband always tryng his ruses to put her " in the mood " is not what excites her. It may feel like one more person wanting her time and attention, wanting a piece of her ( pun not intended , of course )
I am a parent too , and I am sure your 4 kids are your pride and your joy and the light of your life. But, 4 kids and wild, incandescent sex life are two things that have a very hard time coexisting.
I am not saying " accept passively the way things are " or " give up, there's no room for improvement ". Just, cut her some slack, be patient. Sure, once every 3 months is not good. Then again, if I were a woman that has become sexually inappetent or sexually anorexic so to speak, it would not be a husband jumping around me with sad puppy eyes that say " I wonder if tomight's the night " who would reawaken my appetite.
Have you talked to her ? What does she says ?... Negotiating these things feels very unromantic, but, it may work. Compromise, if she accepts to do it , say, once a month, it will take the edge off the situation for you, and it may help her get her groove back, because the pressure on her will be much less , AND ( most important ) because that gives you time to rebuild your intimacy , to recreate complicity out of the bedroom.
You hated Code Warrior's answer, but I think he has a point, if you, for whatever reason, have become disconnected out of the bedroom, if your relationship feels empty and formal, how the heck do you think that covering her in kissies and cuddles , like an hyperaffectionate pet, can mend things ?
You do need to create - or recreate intimacy . Not just physical intimacy, - that's the last step. Intimacy is in the heart and mind, it's that something that makes you say - hehe, this is my best playmate, my partner-in-crime.
For instance, why do you go to the bar to get tipsy by yourself ? Stay home, and when the kids are in bed, PLAY together. Play cards, or Scrabble, or videogames, whatever. Have a project together, take up some hobby together , study something together. DANCE together .
And, do you ever go out alone, by yourself, no kids ? Do you do things alone, like a couple of lovers, and not just of parents ? Time to call in in- laws's help , or a good babysitter, once in a while .
These are just random suggestions , every couple must find their own. I know that it sounds like a lot of patience and time and trouble just to get laid , and with your own wife. But, this is not really about getting laid, is it ? it's more like sort of rehydrating a marriage that , for no intentional fault of anybody, is going bone -dry...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): Code warrior - You sound cold and callous ! I do not at all have an intimacy problem. Secondly, I am not expecting a pat on the back for keeping my vows. However, in periods of weakness & frustration, I could have done otherwise. I am trying to present an issue that I have and it is difficult to come out and express that on a forum. If you can not be helpful then please, reserve your comments to yourself and do something else with your time. Again, ask questions b4 you make grossly wrong assumptions if you are truly trying to help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): If you love your wife, talk to her, tell her you want her.
couples counseling maybe the answer to all your problems.
They say men can't express themselves, I see how you have expressed yourself so adequately here. And your wife is the only person who cares the most about you in this whole world, so expressing yourself to her should be your duty.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): Euphoric29 - Thank you so much for your very constructive response. I very much appreciate your feedback more-so b/c u have also experienced my predicament. All of what you said is true. I love my wife but there is some resentment. Just to clarify to others on the response trail, sex is not just penetration, for me it is cuddling, intimacy, spicy fun (role play..etc)..romance culminating in sex..I really do appreciate u r feedback.
My regards
hope it helps
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses and concern. I realize i did give only a short discourse on my issue and not much at all on who I am. Anonymous - A bit more about myself. I work a night from 11:00p - 7:30a 4/5 nights a week. When I get home, I get our kids ready for school, drop them off and guess what i do house chores from laundry, cleaning to cooking. Get some sleep, pick kids up and it is homework/extracurricular activities time. I am a traditional guy and I take pride in house work. I am very romantic as well and sex, is just not an act but the end to a process. A prostitute is a sex object. Someone who you care and have feelings for is not..Code Warrior - I know u do not know me but I am more cuddles..etc than sex..(F...) I am very confident of myself and am not envious of anyone. I could have chosen the easy way out an gone for a FWB but I am hanging in there. I have had many temptations to cheat but have not. I am not being dramatic when I say '1/100' b/c I know of guy who are only on the receiving end and never give their time to make one lady special or build on a relationship with one lady. Please, b4 u make absolute statements ask more questions.Janniepeq - Thanks for your concern and hearty felt comments. Your response has been very constructive and appreciated. My regards to you
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (19 January 2013):
Dear OP,There are so many possible reasons why someone in a longterm relationship couldn't want sex anymore: too much stress at work or with the kids, lack of sleep, lack of space, lack of "quality time" to build up the mood, stuck in a sexual routine, problems with own body, problems with the partners body, too many worries, general lack of sex drive which was concealed in the first time of the relationship, lack of sex drive due to hormonal changes, sex withdrawal as a symptom of general relationship issues.. .. so I guess none of us can tell you WHY your situation is like it is. Whether you're too pushy or she's too lazy.. see, there's just too many unknown factors.Maybe it would be a good time to suggest a couple therapy now. I know it sounds weird, but you sound like you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman, so the money is well invested. If this problem is going on for a longer time, it's better to have a third party involved, because as a couple you tend to become "blind" to certain unhealthy communication patterns.It would be very important that you two can talk openly about the topic. It's better if SHE tells you what's the reason for her lack of sex drive than us guessing it. It's better if you ask HER if she knows any solution that will make the both of you happy.Rather than telling her what she should do and what you do for her, point out how you feel. Point out that she makes you feel lonely, empty, unwanted, taken for granted.If she cares about you, then she will want to make you happy and find a compromise that works for the both of you.Also, if I reread your message, I read two things: one thing is the affection and that you do a lot for your wife. But the second thing is more hidden and there's already a lot of resentment on your side. That means, please don't wait to actively work on this problem, because if you don't start now, the conflict won't just solve itself. Instead this resentment will poison your relationship to a point where things are really difficult to be fixed.I've been in your situation (kind of, LTR but no marriage and no kids) and in the end, our disagreement on how we wanted to live our sex life led to a separation. I don't say you should do the same, but I know this is a serious problem and as a good husband, don't play this down but make it clear that this is something you two need to work upon.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2013): I see some things that you didn't list such as putting in your work with chores like cooking g cleaning giving her a break from the hassles with the kids. Do you take them practice or extracurricular activities or do you leave that on her shoulders. You buy her bday gifts. Big deal. Do you run her bath water or rub her feet? Do you sit and watch her favorite movie with her? Do you sit and listen to her talk without trying to fix it or do you just give her a listening ear? Women don't always want you to fix it. We simply want you to listen sometimes!
You may not realize it, but you're making her feel like an sexual object. Do things from the heart and not worry about whether or not its going to be reciprocated. Learn to give unconditionally and the reward will be knowing you did something from love. No woman wants to feel like she has to have her legs open all the time for to feel love from her husband!
Think about it would you like to feel like the only thing you are is a wallet? Hope this helps best wishes.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 January 2013):
 Looks like there is a communication break down. Honestly, it shouldn't take that much for a woman to want sex. Intimacy is not some Da Vinci code you have to crack. It is also up to her to express what she needs to feel intimate. Confront her and not accept an "nothing's wrong I am fine" answer.
Most parents are busy but most parents also don't have 4 kids. I have one kid and that's already a handful.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 January 2013):
Is she still getting multiple Os the last times you had sex?
My dad is not attractive but my parents still carry on with their sex lives and they are in their 60s. They are both relatively healthy people. 2 kids and after menopause my mom was still able to enjoy sex. We discuss sex and we are aware many women are not as lucky as in being able to want sex at any time.
I think the problem is her. It really shouldn't take a lot for a married woman to understand that this is killing you. She doesn't want to put in the effort but still expects you to be faithful. Maybe tell her that you are happy with just hugs and kisses, that won't lead to sex. You just want to feel loved. See how she responses. At the end she still knows you want sex and therefore any kind of intimacy is stopped.
I am a single mom of a 7 year old boy. I have chosen to be single for now.
I look at your options. I already know that you would not do open relationships. Divorce and then dating again is also a lot of hassle. With 4 kids and arranging babysitting, you would rather just be single. You might be able to get some FWBs but feel emotionally empty afterwards.
With her limited ability to show love, do you feel that her effort to just hang in there is love already? After all these years, if you decide you are going to be single, you will miss even that person talking about bills and kids. You may not want to see that person every single day, the person who rejects you every night. When you are in your 80s you may want to still be with that person. You still want to be happy family every holiday occassion. If you divorce her you may not get that chance.
Sadly people stay together just because they don't want to die alone. How important that is is up to you.
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