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anonymous
writes:My 19 yr old step daughter is having an affair with a 49 yr old rep that delivers hair products to the salon where she works. Her dad knows but doesn't care and her mother and I are worried sick he is only after one thing. He takes her away for weekends in hotels, has bought her a car (as she crashed hers going to see him) and now he is taking her to Italy skiing. What can we do to make her see sense? We use to be so close but now her constant lying is coming between us and she thinks we are all jealous of what she has, when we really are worried that he is buying her for sex. Please advise us what we can do to make her see sense.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): Even though she is an adult legally, she is still your stepdaughter and I think it's really cool that you care more about her well-being than her own father. Good on you! She is an adult and can make her own decisions though, but I think it's creepy that he takes her to hotels for sex. Are they using birth control? What if she gets pregnant or an STD? He seems like a creeper who doesn't care if he ruins a young girls life ar...What if he has STDs. Your stepdaughter is being a play-for-play girl, so would it be any surprise if the creepy old guy visits actual hookers? I would confront him. I disagree with people who say to stay out of it. Sure she is an adult, but this guy just seems seedy as fook. He's almost 50 and a sales rep for hair products who takes a 19 year old to hotels for sex on his weekends. Ewww. While your daughter probably understands her role in this relationship, you have every right to be protective still. Just because someone turns 18, doesn't mean someone suddenly grows up overnight or stops being your child. I would at least demand he has a talk with you...and an STD test.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2013): I'm sorry this kind of thing is getting bigger and bigger....Men who are so insecure and socially inept that can't develop relationships with women their own age and of the similar life experiences... and girls who's brains have not yet developed to realize what they are doing, also have such low self-esteem to get involved with a man as old as their fathers or have grown up always looking for someone to take care of them...its all very sad.
How about having a sit down with the CREEPER GUY and ask him why he's engaging with someone that could be the same age as his own daughter??? The daughter is not going to get it until she is a lot older so that's not going to get you anywhere...but the guy SHOULD have enough sense and maybe if someone point blank tells him maybe he will back off...maybe... good luck.
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (20 January 2013):
 When I was a young men and dinosaurs walked the earth, I dived of bridges into shallow water and raced a dirt-bike across a forest-path at night without lights as a daily commute. One day I hit a tree stump and sailed over the handle bars and landed a hairbreath away from a small stump sticking up in the air like a wooden stake. The next day I did the same journey again.
Young people are STUPID! Most survive but each year some boys break their neck diving from bridges, pulling insane stunts or blow of their hands with fireworks because young boys are not aware of their own mortality.
Young women have a similar lack of fear when it comes to well, sex. They think it won't happen to them... or rather, they don't think at all. Same as I didn't think of how close to death I came that day... don't think because EVERY day I did that, I risked my life not just the one time it came closer to going wrong.
Is this any help? Doubt it but there really isn't that much you can do. A lot of women go through a phase in their youth where they act like loose cannons, totally out of control. She feels the power of being an attractive young desired woman and can see no reason not to use it.
Is HE using her for sex or is she using HIM for money?
She is making her choices but she is doing it with a teenagers brain and they don't work the same as an adults. Yours didn't, nobodies did. Teenagers risk all because they can, they got nothing loose, regrets come later. Worrying comes later.
Either cut her loose or just be there if she needs you again as a parent but she is just setting out on her own path as a wanna-be adults and will probably make a lot of mistakes that will be her own to deal with and life with. If indeed they are mistakes to her.
It is really to read this as two people trading what they got for what the other wants. He wants young sex, she wants money. It ain't something you wish for your daughter I am sure but good luck if you want to change her personality now. Maybe when she was first starting to think of dating an old fart but after several trips?
Sorry, to late.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): As worried as you are, (all parents always are) she is an adult. And then best thing you can do for her, is to support her now... and when it all comes crashing down, comfort her. I'm sure it won't go on for too much longer. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2013): It sounds like a "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" sort of thing going on there. They're both benefiting from each other and they're both consenting adults, so I guess there's nothing you can do about this until it ends in natural time.
If she's happy she's happy, leave them to it I say.
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reader, straight to the truth +, writes (19 January 2013):
I can see your concern however she is 19 and she can make her own decisions. Instead of "trying to make her see sense" you need to simply explain to her what your concerns are without shouting or demanding she stops seeing him and telling her to simply be careful.
It sounds like he is treating her really well by taking her away and buying her a car and if he was only 23 and doing all of these things would you still be as judgemental??
If this is the man she has chosen to date then this is her choice and if he breaks her heart then she will look back on it and she will learn from it. Very rarely do people stay with the first man they meet or the first man they have sex with so whats the problem.
If they end up staying together then again that is her choice to be with an older man. You might not approve but you made your own choices when you were younger so why cant she make her own decisions.
You need to be a mum and calmly let her know why your worried and be there to pick up the pieces if it goes wrong and without saying the words "I told you so".
I have to admit I have been there, done that and would never date a rep again because they are all the same but at the same time I dont regret it because it was fun while it lasted and I picked myself off, dusted off the broken heart and moved on which is the same you would do in any broken relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2013): Leave her alone OP, maybe it's your age but you seem to think she's some kind of victim here. Sounds to me like she's the boss here and may in fact be using this old dude for the pretty nice financial incentive. A car, skiing trips away. Not a bad deal for her if you ask me.
Now OP there is also a chance that this is actually a pretty innocent and real romance between two people who like each other very much, don't be so quick to paint her as some kind of victim OP.
Above all she's an adult, a 19 year old woman making her own choices. Can you guarantee a 19 year old man would treat her as well? Is she that much of an idiot or mentally deficient that she can't make her own choices?
Stop worrying OP. Guys of all ages could use her, she may in fact be using this guy and for all you know this may be a beautiful innocent romance between two people. The guy could be a lovely guy, stop assuming the worst, it's her life to live as she chooses and a relationship with a guy who spends that kind of money on her is very sought after and I'm sure most of her friends are pretty jealous too.
The only problem I see here is the lying, not only is making you worry more because you don't have access to that part of her life but it's driving you apart, but what choice does she have with two very judgemental people who have assumed the worst? She knows you're not okay with this and think she's some kind of shrinking violet so she has to go behind your back.
Maybe you could try trusting her, accepting that this is what she wants for now and let her do her thing. OP he's the one more likely to get hurt here not her, he may be an older guy hoping to settle, your step daughter isn't even the woman she's going to be yet and is very unlikely to settle.
Finally OP, you being so against this makes this all the more exciting and appealing to her. Trust me. There is nothing more romantic for a teenage girl than a forbidden love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2013): Hello. With all due respect, I think you need to accept the fact that your daughter is an adult and is no longer your responsibility or particular concern (at least no more than, say, if she were your 59-year-old sister). Of course this also means she has no further claim on any sort of financial help from you, so if it troubles you so much to see her with him, then I would suggest simply cutting off the free room and board and asking her to leave your home and your life. At least then you won't have to put up with a relationship of which you disapprove.You can of course talk with her and implore her to come to her senses, but you can only do so as one adult to another, not as a (step-)father to a daughter. In any case, you need to respect the fact that decisions such as these are now hers to make.
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reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (19 January 2013):
Your distress at this situation is understandable. Either he’s only after sex, or he’s emotionally vulnerable and enjoying being the crush of a much younger woman, and he thinks he has feelings for her but needs to keep lavishing the cash to keep her interested. But actually whether he thinks in his head that he’s using her or not, it doesn’t really matter because the point is that this isn’t going to last. It’s based on hotel encounters, flashing the cash and fancy holidays, but there doesn’t seem to be any depth of feelings there from what you say. Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do to put a stop to this, she’s got to do that. I think the best thing to do is keep an open mind and talk to her. Ask her to be truthful about everything as you’d rather hear the truth which you mightn’t like, than lies. Then ask her how she feels for this man. If she doesn’t care for him at all, then you’re probably just going to have to be honest with her about how wrong using him, or using each other, is and tell her you really hope she can see why. Indeed you may be surprised to learn that she’s using him and he’s too loved up with his young woman to see it. If, however, she tells you she genuinely has feelings for him, you should explain how worried you are that in the end, she’s going to get hurt quite badly, either when she wakes up to the horrible realisation she’s been used, or they discover that they’re at such different stages in life that this age gap relationship’s not going to work. Unfortunately, responding to what she says and telling her how caring for her motivates your concerns is all you can do. If she’s going to stop this, she’s got to decide to do that. You can only convert rather than force adults. IF she lives with you, you could do something more drastic like ask her to move out but then you’d only drive her towards him even more. So that dialogue’s your only option.
I wish you all the very best.
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