A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have just recently broken up with a man who I had sex with for the first time, after dating him for two months. Hes 36 and Im 23. We actually met in a dance club (definitely not a place where I imagined myself to find the man I had my first sex with. Now, I have regrets that I lost my virginity to him. I broke it off with him because I felt sex was more important to him than to me. To him, sex was something normal, beautiful and healthy. Its a way for him to express how he feels for me. To me, it is a lot more important than that, especially the fact that I come from a cultural background where women are expected to save virginity until marriage. I have regrets because I am disappointed at myself for having sex before marriage. It happened one weekend when we had such a great time together, and when we felt such a strong connection towards each other. I was curious, and I thought I could just take the idea of having sex lightly. And eveything else seemed so right, we had such a great time. But then I realized that I wasnt ready for it. I didn't want to do it, and whats worse, I didnt know I did it until the next day. I told him not to go all the way too deep (call me a fool - but i actually believed that if he didnt go too deep, i wouldve still had my virginity). I have been blaming myself for having sex. He was trying to be very understanding, by telling me that I shouldnt feel bad about it because its a normal, healthy and beautiful act. I asked him how he felt about having sex with me. He said he was flattered that I chose to have sex with him for the first time. This is supposed to make me feel better, but apparently it didnt make me feel any better, because I was still caught up in this guilt. I tried to explain to him how bad I felt about it, but I feel he was being very inconsiderate because he was still trying to have sex with me after that, even though he already knows I am going through such a bad time trying to get over guilt phase. I expected him to be more thoughtful than that. However, my feelings of regrets have gotten worse, to the point that I am putting the blame on him too. I had this questions on myself, If he cares enough for me, he wouldve waited on having sex with me. He wouldve tried to be more understanding especially after knowing that I have to deal with this guilt. He shouldve respected me. This has made me feel like I was being taken advantage of. TO the point that I asked myself if he was just in it for the fun. I disappeared for two months, i started responding less to his emails, texts and phone calls. I realized that i wasnt healthy if I started feeling this way, and having all this doubts and suspicion for him, I broke it off. We had a talk before breaking it off. I told him how I felt like sex/relationship is not as important to him as it is to me. But then, he said he was being very serious all this time. He said he kept pursuing me and tried to be very understanding. But he does not understant why I cannot see that, and why I am acting this way. We had a very intense and emtional talk on the phone, and it was starting get frustrating on us. In the end he said "Im done", and we're calling it quits. But, I know we liked each other a lot (we've said it). Even though we broke up, I think I still do like him, and wonder if I was being stupid and gave up something good. Right now, I am very confused how this whole thing ended. I am wondering if actually I made so much drama out of, and screwed out all the good things between us by having too much expectations from him? Was I being so insecure in this relationship? Especially after having sex with him, am I expecting him to be a real gentleman (the man who respected me and waited), to justify that it was ok for me to have sex with him (to know that at least I didnt give my virginity up to a random guy)? Or, is this maybe because we're just two completely different people, with different views in life, given our age difference. I am not getting a good feeling because i feel that yes, he was trying to be understanding, but he didnt really try to understand, he tried to change me by talking me into believing that sex is good (i.e. his belief). He told me that i was being very immature, and that I cannot handle an adult relationship. Sex is what makes a relationship special, a sign that we are doing more tha just like third graders hanging out together. This whole event has left me in a disarray. Was I really incapable of a relationship? Or did it just not work out between us? Also, I am trying to make up this guilt feeling for myself. I feel maybe because it happened too soon between him and me (we only saw each other on weekends for 2 months before having sex). This has taught me not to have sex/get physical with a man after really knowing that peson and spending enough time with that person. Now, I am seriously considering not having sex anymore before marriage because my first experience has been so much trauma and drama. I wanted to prove my integrity to myself, but then at the same time, I think I am just confused about sexuality (I dont know if I am ready to step out of my cultural shell and to have sex before marriage. Or maybe because i am feeling this way just because i did it with the wrong person? I want to move on, but then I am also not sure if I can ever find a man who can deal with all this drama about me. Can I have a relationship without sex? Is he right? Am I being immature? Is there something wrong about me?
View related questions:
broke up, immature, insecure, lost my virginity, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): Losing virginity is a one-way street. It's over, it's gone, and it's never coming back. Everybody gets one try to have that particular little event in their lives, and now you've had yours. But your sexuality is for the rest of your life. You have the rest of your life to decide what you think about sex, who you will have it with, when it is appropriate, etc. I find that we don't really hate ourselves for the honest mistakes we make in life. We really hate ourselves for the mistakes that we made when deep down we already knew better at the time. Just be true to yourself. If you make a mistake then learn from it, don't let it go to waste.
A
female
reader, yeahsureyoubetcha +, writes (16 March 2008):
 If you believe sex outside of marriage is wrong you shouldn't have sex outside of marriage.I don't believe that it is.I think eliminated it as a possibility in all future relationships is going to limit you.You need to figure out how you feel about sex yourself and not what you were taught. Is it a casual thing? a spiritual thing? a commitment thing? Is it bad? is it good? Decide what you want from sex in your relationships. Then decide if you are going to have it and with whom.
...............................
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (15 March 2008):
 Unless this man was your first and only boyfriend as well, which would seem unlikely, then you have had relationships previously without sex. If that is true, then the answer to your question, "Can I have a relationship without sex?" is yes, because you did it before.
As for your guilt, which most people would probably consider "beating yourself up over something you cannot change," I think that you are simply going to have to put it away. You may need professional counseling if necessary to accomplish it. And I don't mean to be flippant, but unless you can invent a time machine and go back to change the past, then what's done is done. You do not have to ever tell anyone you know, or will know, what happened. Even if you wait until marriage for your next intercourse experience, your partner probably won't know whether you are a virgin or not. These days, perhaps a majority of people assume it is unlikely anyway. Move on. Get help if necessary.
...............................
A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (15 March 2008):
 I will try to explain how sex is for a man in a way that may help for you to understand your boyfriend.
I will compare it to food. Its delicious, it nourishes and is healthy in proper doses. For a man to love a woman and not be able to express his love to her sexually is like having a plate of his favorite food in front of him and he can only smell and touch and even see the steam coming off the plate...and not be able to eat it! How cruel is it to serve food to someone and tell him he can't eat it? Think about that, because that's exactly what you were asking him to do. You say you think he didn’t respect you because he wants to have sex with you....but actually the opposite is true… he loved you as an adult, and his greatest desire was to make love to you! How can you call it disrespect for you...when it is an expression of love….exactly the way he put it.
The man dated you for two months before having sex with you. That's actually a lot of dating time before going to bed in today's dating world. If the man waited two months before being sexually intimate with you he must really love you...because if his motives were purely about sex, he would have left you long ago and dated an easier girl.
He had to watch that plate of food for two months before he could take a bite from it. And after he took that bite you freaked out and all of a sudden started making him out as a monster. You are young woman having what could be considered a normal relationship and once it turned sexual you changed.
I think the root problem is in YOU my dear. You need to talk to someone you can confide in about these issues you have over sex, whether it’s a therapist or a friend. I think you were naive in your thinking that if he went halfway you were still a virgin. It signals to me that you have a fear of sex, and see it not just as an expression of love but a form of ritual only to be performed in marriage. This may be your religious belief, but I feel you are not even listening to you heart and see things through dark colored glasses and strong suspicions to people who are trying to love you. You sabotaged a good relationship with this man, and to be honest I would have reacted the same way he did and even respect the patience he gave you.
If you ever will love another man like this in the future you have to settle your issues with sex first. If it is your choice to not have it again until you marry, maybe that is the best way for you. And you should make any man you date aware of how you feel. With this man you gave in to his desires…but do not make it out like he was being evil and taking advantage of you…he was trying to love you in his own way, the way he felt sex should be expressed, as an act of love, not just to be confined to marriage. At the least you should understand that he was not trying to hurt or disrespect you…he was trying to love you, and you turned him away.
I wish you luck in the future. But try to examine these issues you have and talk it out in confidence. Take care.
...............................
|
