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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hello everyone.I am in a really hard situation and it is eating away at me emotionally.I am in a relationship with a guy who I care about very much. The relationship is 6 months old although I had known him for a year before that. He has said he cares about me, too... but he is very inconsistent in his behaviour... he is hot and then cold. It is a repetitive cycle.He will be intimate with me. We will have sex and he will open up to me and we will talk for hours after. He holds me. We laugh together about everything. We are both very fun loving and silly people. He tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me eyes. He is all about pleasing me in the bedroom and pleasing him is secondary. We are exclusive and discussed this very early on and both agreed that we wanted to be only with each other.He had to go away recently and before he left, we connected more than ever and had the most amazing day together, including amazing sex. He has told me I am the best he has ever had. And it is always mind blowing when we are having sex.When he left, he sent me one message over 5 days. I was not happy with that and when he returned I told him about it. He said he is not a big communicator and it is not his way to send messages. He came back and to me, he seemed cool again... from being hot before he left. Yes, he was all over me but it is like he tries to pull away.He brought me roses last week and he was at my place way earlier than our scheduled date time. So he was eager. And he was all over me. But his behaviour this week seems to cancel that all out by being cool. Why would he bring me roses if he did not care? Why bring me roses and then pull away? It does not seem right to me.He seems to be controlling and insecure. He likes my innocent and sweet side, not so much my strong side. When I tell him I am worth more than this up and down inconsistent behaviour and feel I need to be treated better or I will not stay in this relationship, he blames me and says I like to argue and fight. And he tries to minimize his behaviour as he did not mean it or I am oversensitive and overreacting. And why can we not find a middle ground?Not the case. I am the other half of this relationship and I am entitled to how I feel and to express it. He said "So you want more?" "Ok, I will try to do better." I fear he is in love with himself the most. He seems a bit insensitive to my feelings and tries to make me feel like I am insecure and paranoid.Yes, I am insecure and paranoid because he is INCONSISTENT. He always keeps me guessing. I do not have a real commitment from him. Sometimes I am afraid he will cheat because I do not feel secure in his affection and devotion. He does not make me feel secure. One day he will say how much he cares and the next day he will say things like "I am not sure about where our relationship is headed." I try to communicate and get him to open up but he seems to hate to open up about this subject and communicate. He seems to want me to just shut up an and put up. Nobody needs inconsistency in a relationship. It is very hard to deal with emotionally. One minute he makes me feel like the most beautiful and special woman on earth. The next minute I feel bad about myself and wonder what it is I have done to change his treatment of me. I went from being special and beautiful to no longer special or beautiful or at least a watered down version. And I try to figure out ways to get his attention again.I feel like he does some of this to get a reaction from me to keep me in line. Keep me guessing and on a string so that I remain hooked on him. He seems to enjoy it if I get mad at him or jealous because it feeds his ego. "Oh, she must like me. I must be special if she is mad or jealous." And he likes that when I get mad, I get very passionate and our sex is even more intense. I think in a twisted way, he gets off on it.A confident man would not want to manipulate you. He actually accuses me of trying to manipulate him. I am just being honest with my feelings and needs and what I expect from the relationship. He is the manipulator. But he would ever admit it. I have a big heart and I am a good person. I do not know why he is doing this to me. I have always been there for him and treated him well and cater to all his needs. I guess I am giving him permission.I am going through some tough times in life in general and needed a source of joy. He was like an escape for me. Feeling good about myself. At least in the beginning and most of the time... but not always. I just wonder if the fact I am emotionally unhealthy has opened the door to this man and I would never had done it if I was in a healthy place in my life.I see him twice a week and we see each other at work the rest of the time. He is engrained in my life. We are going away this weekend yet I feel so much bitterness and resentment towards him right now because I feel USED.I am afraid the pain is surpassing the pleasure. Yet the pleasure is all I have right now.How do I walk away when my head says you need to pull the ejection seat handle right now but my heart says you are getting the best sex of your life with him and the passion and chemistry is like no other before. And he fills a void that you desperately need filled?How do you choose between head and heart? I am having a hard time with this impossible decision!!I really wish I had it in me to do a FWB physical relationship but I thought this was more than that. But maybe he is making it clear it is not. He calls me his girlfriend. I fear that I am expecting more than he is willing to give and this is causing all kinds or problems. Because he is trying to maintain control and keep things as they are. I am standing up for myself and what I want and trying to get him to show he cares. It is a back and forth struggle. So not healthy.I hope you can all help. Thank you for listening.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you CMMP.You are right with everything you have said and I appreciate that you have opened my eyes. My bf knows how I feel and I had a talk with him last night and again today.He says I am imagining everything and overreacting. And yes, I just might be... it is that time of month. Lol I tend to get overly emotional. But I am overly emotional as a person. Heart on my sleeve kind of a girl and he is more reserved with expressing his feelings overall. We are different yet are willing to work through the differences because we like each other so much.Today he told me he is hooked on me. And only wants to be with me. He even got jealous of another guy who showed interest in me.He is the type of guy who has a personality which gets along with women. I know that but he has never once crossed any lines that I am aware of. He was just being helpful. Never anything out of the ordinary. And my perception of him being too friendly I think is my own overreaction, trying to see things that are not there... maybe out of fear of being burned again.. as a way of protecting myself.I do think I will need to trust him at some point for this relationship to work. So I have decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.WiseOwlE, thank you for your responses. You have been so helpful. I deep down do not think he is a player. Sure he has an ego and likes to feel validated, like most men of any age. I think it is a lot of worry on my part, mostly because my last relationship was with a guy who was two timing me and I had to walk away. Broke my heart. So I guess I am afraid cause of that experience. I cannot make my bf pay for my own fears and worries.He does give me something. I have a special feeling when I am with him. We laugh so much together and have a lot of fun together. Sex with him is amazing and it just feels like I am home with him. I have never had this kind of sex with anyone before and am not willing to let it go that easily. Neither is he. He is usually insecure about me because of my looks and worries another man will satisfy me better than him. But he is the one and I have told him so. I want no other and he wants no other.Maybe there is too much passion? LolEither way, I do think I am making things harder on myself by trying to see things that are not there. I do tend to read into things a lot.In any relationship, you do need to trust your partner. So I will do that and hope for the best. :)
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (19 November 2013):
If someone's gonna cheat, they're gonna cheat. There's not very much that can be done about it. For now it doesn't sound like he's crossed any lines, so if I was you I'd just trust him until he gives you a GENUINE reason not to, and at that point you can reevaluate your relationship.
But dumping a guy who doesn't appear to have done anything wrong because you're afraid of being cheated on doesn't make a lot of sense.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2013): Thanks for taking my words into consideration, and taking time to offer more details.
When you're dealing with the male-ego, I do see your concern. Although I am gay, I've seen it from two-angles. Having the male-ego, and dealing with it in an emotional way.
You are not being treated badly. You are a willing participant; due to something you get out of being with him that satisfies you. His prowess is due to his age; he has to prove he's still got it. Thus the egotistical side of it.
He feels privileged and entitled; based on his own success, and ability to effect the success of others.
You have observed this behavior. From the details you've provided, you know exactly what you're dealing with. Yet, as I said before; you are a willing participant. You haven't deluded yourself to believe he's the best you can do. Yet he brings something to the table no one else has thus far.
If you get a thrill out of being with him, just keep it all in proper perspective. Know the emotional risks and caveats that come with men who use their position and power to manipulate women. He is going to cross the wrong woman.
That is the price of such behavior. It is inevitable.
You are in a position to accept it, or not to. If you don't like it. Let him know. Lay it out for him. You just might save his player-ass from a big catastrophe. Keep him on the right track. His penis could lead him straight to hell.
Leaving should be based on mistreatment of any kind. Use your best judgement. If he spoils you, let him. Soak it up.
Staying should be based on mutual respect and appreciation for each others contributions to the relationship. No one should come up short.
If you both agreed to a monogamous-relationship; both partners should adhere to that. Covert flirtations and going beyond the call, is unnecessary. It should stop.
If you could accept him on any other terms; you wouldn't have written your post.
The problem with allowing "sex" to be the tie that binds a relationship is; that it comes with a high cost. You wouldn't be satisfied as just his friend with benefits. You can do a lot better. So you don't have to settle.
If you became FWB's, real feelings might still surface from one of you. Someone eventually gets hurt. That will be the one who doesn't want the other to engage in sex; or show emotional involvement with anyone else. In this case, I predict that person will be you.
It doesn't really matter if we believe he is treating you badly.
It's what you perceive.
What you know that isn't apparent to anyone else. You see how he treats other women, and suspect he may be misusing his power. You didn't include this particular issue in your original post; or I would have had a different approach to your question.
You're in a relationship. He should honor his commitment and be considerate of your feelings. He should be faithful,
or be replaced. He's in a relationship, and shouldn't be carrying on anyway but professionally on the job. His relationship with you shouldn't be re-adjusted to be conducive to seducing women at work.
He has nothing to prove to any other woman but you; and he is getting "older." Don't hesitate to remind him. He interrupted your life-flow, and he's no young buck. If you've got to have a player; let him be a hot young one. Not some old-geezer wannabe-player.
Sorry if I offended you in any way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everybody.
Thank you for all your replies.
Especially to WiseOwlE. You made some great points.
I will tell you that I am 40 and he is 55. So he is not younger than me.
I am told I am beautiful and he is always telling me how lucky he is, how beautiful I am, how funny and fun to be with and that I am the best lover he has ever had. I do not look my age as I am in top shape and take great care of myself. I always have younger men hitting on me.
My boyfriend is not even my type. I am usually into the really good looking and tall fit type of guy who is closer to my age. I never in a million years saw myself with a guy this much older let alone thought there would ever be any kind of chemistry. But there is. We are talking about FIREWORKS chemistry, like no other I have ever experienced with any other man!!!!
This guy just snuck up on me and the attraction was not there from the start. In fact, I found him unattractive in the very beginning. He told me the moment he saw me he thought I was beautiful and sent me a friend request on FB even though he did not really know me. I did not see him as more than a friend in any way as at that time I was going through another break up.
Here is where the problem lies. We are involved in a field where women dominate and there are far less men. He works with and is surrounded by women. He is very friendly and some of them text him. He texts back but swears all the texts are strictly professional. He even showed me.
But I am finding it hard that he is offering his support to women in their careers as he is their boss. I keep thinking he is going too above and beyond, being too helpful. And I think why would any guy be this helpful? To get into a woman's pants? I know I should not feel this way but I am afraid he is too friendly and they feel too comfortable around him. I am always worried this comfort level will progress to something more with one of these women. Is this really all due to my paranoia or is it a gut feeling I need to listen to?
He tells me he is satisfied with me and does not need to look elsewhere but I do not believe him.
I am not insecure in myself. I know I am the total package but if someone wants to cheat, it does not matter how gorgeous or perfect you are. It does not mater. So, this leaves me vulnerable.
I was two timed by my previous boyfriend and walked away from him.
I do not want to ruin a great thing and drive him away with my worries. But I am worried. And I do not know how to turn it all off and enjoy what we have!
Can anyone help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): I went back and read the male responses to your post. We seem to agree. Being men, our opinions do count.I also read the articles that were suggested. I think men can explain ourselves better than an article contrived by a female with a negatively-biased opinion of us. We could substitute the word "women" for "men;" under every category she describes; because it is very general in the description of commitment-phobia. Gender has nothing to do with it.When things are good focus on what makes them good. Avoid the temptation to nail him down before he gets away. He won't getaway, if he wants to stay. If you become friends with benefits; then you'll complain even more about being exploited. Go nuts when he sees other women.You won't fully figure him out. No more than he'll figure you out. You're mature people, pretty much set in your ways. You never admitted if he was younger; I still suspect he is.Nothing is more boring than the predictable. Consistency? What does the author of those articles know from consistency?Emotionally; men let you see the surface. Or, only what he wants you to see beneath it. Human behavior is inconsistent. That's why we have websites like this. That's why we have judges, lawyers, teachers, police, soldiers, clergy, mothers, fathers, and a Higher Being to keep us inline. That's why we have a brain to control the heart.If you stop trying to pin him down. Guess what? He'll stand still and let you get closer to him. Pounce and he'll wiggle free.The needier a woman is, the more cynical she is about male behavior. The mentality that women have to "trap a man to keep one" is why men still have the "fight or flee" reflex.There is no hot or cold, luke-warm, or tepid. We are human beings, not a glass of water. Some guys relentlessly avoid being "trapped" into commitment; until they are ready to "submit" to it willingly. He has a choice to make too. He's also observing your red-flags and quirks. Women have some bad points also.He has a right to base his commitment on what he gets in exchange for it, just as you do.So you have to slow-down. Have some fun. When you see red-flags signaling abuse, cheating, bad-temper, or anunmanaged mental disorder; then you let go. Minimize the bitching and complaining.If he pisses you off, offer some adult constructive criticism.You're focusing on marriage material and always testing him. Maybe he's happy just being a boyfriend.When people get frustrated because they can't form strong and extended relationships. One fails after the other. It's because they're trying too hard; or they commit too soon.Each relationship thereafter becomes a quest for the perfect relationship. Then choose wisely and deliberately.Commitment-phobia is usually the reaction you get from people being forced too hard too soon. Regardless of gender.He isn't treating you badly. It's only a six-month old relationship and you're anxious. Maybe spoiled a little.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (16 November 2013):
 I've experienced this kind of 'relationship', and through googling I stumbled across the Baggage Reclaim website and these particular articles that might help you:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-do-men-blow-hot-and-cold/
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-theres-no-point-being-with-somebody-who-blows-hot-cold/
Hope these links and the website help you as they helped me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): I know you're somewhere over the age of 40; but you give no indication of how old your boyfriend is. I venture to guess he might be younger. Don't be insulted. That's just great.You wrote a lot, but it's more about how you feel than what he has really done that is unusual in a six-month relationship. All indications are, you can't figure him out and you can't pin him down.I have to read between the lines and try and figure out what should be red-flags; or if there is any indication of potential harm. I just don't see any. Maybe he's like the greased pig, and you can't get a tight grip on him.He's a guy, and he isn't always going to be lovey-dovey. Everyone has moods, and maybe his attitude is related to his day; or whatever is going on in his life. One thing's for sure, he keeps coming back. You give him reason to return. Even if he won't let you attach your phone tracking-device on him. He's been around the block,so he knows what the phone-stuff is all about. Leave that for the teens to 20's crowd, why don't you!Some people's attitudes or moods are like thermometers. If things are going well, you get the best of them. When things are in the crapper, they seem less joyous. I think what you need to do, is get used to his personality. He has mood swings and he's unpredictable. Stop trying so hard to analyze the guy, by reading something "negative" into his inconsistencies. You're over-thinking it.It sounds like he's crazy about you, and he has reservations. He doesn't want to move too fast, and he prefers to set the pace of the relationship. You like being in control; and when you can't figure him out, you get frustrated. He's smarter than you give him credit for. He knows how to avoid manipulation, and you falsely accuse him of trying to manipulate you. You're the one trying to figure out if you should just use him.Well, my lady. I think you've met your match! He's the Artful Dodger, and you can't hit a moving target. Guys don't like being cornered. Most like to do the pursuing; but we can switch roles without warning. You may wind up chasing him. He keeps you on your toes and it drives you nuts. You really like him, and you know it.He's not treating you badly; he's just giving you a dose of your own medicine, when he notices you're trying too hard to be the controlling personality within the relationship.Enjoy the ride. You've got a live one, and he's going to keep things pretty interesting. He knows how to push your buttons. That's why the sex is so great.You are a person who is very analytical and no nonsense; although, you have a fun side and truly enjoy being intimate with your man.
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female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (15 November 2013):
I understand how you feel. Completely. I have been in a situation with a guy who is also emotionally unavailable at times. I see previous posters saying they haven't heard you describe anything bad - but I understand it's not always tangible. You just no it's not the behavior of a guy fully committed
I guess the question is - what is your end goal? Marriage? Living together ?
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female
reader, dcgirl15 +, writes (15 November 2013):
I was in a situation a lot like this about a year ago. However, the guy I was dating was 23 and was still playing around on the side and lining up girls in case we failed.Five days away and only one message is a lot. If you can have a straight forward conversation about expectations, I would try to do that. However, communication is a big thing and if one person wants a lot less communication than another in a relationship, I think both parties need to be up for compromise or it won't work. Personally, I'm of the belief that it can't be that hard after six months for someone to take 30 seconds to text you and say "Miss you babe. Looking forward to seeing you." but I trend towards more communication rather than less.Try to see if you can fix it. If not, walk away. At 6 months, you're starting to know each other pretty well. It's not worth it if you constantly wonder why he's not contacting you. Hope this works out however's best for you.
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female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (15 November 2013):
 I would suggest a long serious talk about where the relationship is and to where you would like it to go.beyond love making. To me in my relationship if the love making is great what else could be wrong really. I on the other hand dont understand much else in a relationship and tend to not get as deep as I would want because of various reasons. I want to be in a relationship thats healthy for me and the other person also but I come up short with expressing feelings verbal more so. I think to I pull away cause I don't want to be hurting the other person and taking them on a emotional rollercoaster. Its just that if he is not sure about long term and that's what your pushing for it has to be put up front. I doubt he gets off although some people do get off on you being angry and love when you jealous for a ego boist. I don't understand why that could be the case. Also I doubt he doesn't care cause he has showed you he does. Just decide if you want to work on a better whole relationship and if he is on the same page also. If the sex to you is a keeper who can say you want feel like this with someone else and still be in the same situation.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 November 2013):
Honestly, I read your question and I don't see where you give any evidence that he's treating you badly.
What I see is someone who puts their expectations on another person, then gets upset when they don't live up to them.
If you're going to stay you'll just have to learn to accept the fact that he's not the perfect guy for you. But he doesn't seem to be a bad guy if I'm reading this correctly, he just isn't as warm as you'd like. If you can learn to accept that you may find yourself a happy woman.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 November 2013):
 One thing I failed to mention - I have always tended to "come up for air" in every relationship I've been in, and have been accused of being distant as well. It wasn't the case, it was just that spending 24/7 with someone in all-intensity of talking and sharing and physical intimacy for an extended period of time gets claustrophobic, even if you adore the other person. Stepping back to get my bearings, coming up for air, it *is* healthy, and not manipulation. I've balanced hanging out with friends as well. I've known friends who become really needy and clingy, and it sets my teeth on edge. Clingy can happen in relationships as well, and I broke up with a guy I had dated for two months because he wanted me to be there constantly. He would call a *lot*, change his voicemail to send me messages just so I'd call him, coming into my work to visit way too often, and emotionally bludgeoning me if he felt I was distant. I broke up with him because it got way too much. It was sad too because at the beginning, I was really into him. His smothering squelched it.
It's okay to be distant, especially if the relationship is serious. He was being honest at the 6 month mark about not being sure about where you were going. He *calls* you his girlfriend. If he was manipulating you, he would not call you that, and I've seen many guys withhold the relationship definition.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): Hi there, I'm in a very similar situation to you right now. This guy is clearly punching above his weight with you and i suspect he knows it.
In answer to your question, to get away from the guy im currently seeing i've switched my phone off and it wont be going back on till i've the strength to deal with him.
He's drained me physically and mentally and i haven't got any energy left for a big drama if i go and see him or ring and break up with him.
What he does and how he behaves are almost irrelevant to me. I just notice how i'm feeling . The sex is great but the price too high for me now. Maybe you've just not got there yet but you will and then you will dump him x
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 November 2013):
Wait a second here. This is because he gets distant? Many guys do that, and in this guy's case, I think he's wrestling at whether or not to become more serious with you. At 6 months, this isn't unexpected.
What interests me the most is your reaction to it. You go crazy when he pulls back, and that's the source of the fights. The problem with this is, when you do it, he pulls back more, making it a spiral.
I think he actually does like you for real, and I don't think he's doing this to control you as you say. You need to cool down some and not freak out at the slightest "cooling", because that's your insecurity causing you to do that. Guys just do that, you can have really intimate and close communication where you're all over each other, and then he pulls back to recharge or get his bearings. You can't freak when he does that.
Instead, and in FACT, you have to do the OPPOSITE of what your impulse is to do. Do you notice that when he pulls away, you get crazy and grasp onto him, fight with him, freak out on him, and try to force feelings from him? Don't. Instead, when he pulls back, so do you! He should be one facet of your full life, not everything about it.
You actually *are* trying to manipulate him. You want him to show you affection the way YOU want him to, forcing him to open up, forcing him to say things he's not ready to say. That's like when we were kids, if you had a parent constantly TELLING you to hug a family member, TELLING you to say "I love you", and TELLING you to express your emotions. That builds extreme resentment, and he's feeling that.
Guys pull away. Let them without being insecure or accusing them of cheating. If he's cheating, then you leave him. You have to ease off and let him show you his own affection, and he IS doing it with the flowers and the really nice words.
If you're incompatible, then break up. Don't do the stupid FWB crap. You are either with him or you're not. All of the "he gets off when I'm mad" and the "He's controlling and manipulating me" is you projecting, not what he's said. You have to stop freaking out on him, or you will lose him. That's called "high maintenance".
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