A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear agony aunts,Once again I need your advice. We've been in a relationship for 3 years, and as of July 2013, we live together. When we started dating, my girlfriend told me that her ex was calling her stuff and making threats. I took no part in the conflict back then since it came to an end in a matter of hours.Two years ago she confessed that they were still in contact. At first, I said I did not mind, but later I understood that I did not like it too much, so I asked her not to. She promised she would not do it ever again. Since then I did not hear of the guy for ages and whatsoever bond they had seemed to be over.However, a week ago, when I opened the social network we use here in Russia (not facebook, but very similar), I found out that the two of them were texting on a regular basis. It was my PC, she forgot to log off and I keep a bookmark for inbox, it was not like I dug in her private stuff.I could not stop myself and I opened their dialogue. She was the initiator of most of their talks, she started topics like if he was a family material or how great it would be if they were still dating, acting very sweet and nice.It cuts deep. We've had plenty of special moments, several wonderful trips, she was the one person with whom any sort of commitment felt right. And now I'm not sure anymore. There's one thing I know - confronting her is unlikely to change anything.
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male
reader, droberts7357  +, writes (15 November 2013):
Cut her loose and kick her out. She's using you and will dump you in a heartbeat if the other guy says boo.
It will hurt (been there, done that), but you will move on now and not later on her timeline.
Cut your losses and good luck finding a quality companion.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 November 2013):
 Yeah, she has blown it. She has broken your trust, and her promises are no longer believable. She will always keep him in contact, and as such, that is way too much baggage.
None of this is your fault. She's not doing this because there is a deficiency in you or your relationship. She's doing it because there's a deficiency in *her* integrity, ego, and trustworthiness.
An ultimatum would be futile, because she'll give you lip service while still continuing with him. Best to end it now, because you don't deserve to be in a love triangle like this.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 November 2013):
 She doesn't REALLY believe that YOU are her "one and only"... does she????
Your decision is easy..... dump her and get a REAL girlfriend....
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): She is carrying on a three-way relationship. You are her support-system and immediate source of comfort. You fill-in where he doesn't. He is her love-drug. His part in all this, is being her assigned emotional "painkiller." She turns to him, when the symptoms of withdrawal from their breakup gets the better of her. She is trying not to let him move on without her. She tries to stay relevant in his life, and keep their relationship going by any means. She enjoys the secret romance. The thrill that comes from the challenge of keeping his attention. Evidence that he still cares.She is waiting out the possibility of a reconciliation; while not having to deal with loneliness during the waiting period. That's where you come in. Her baby-sitter.Her ex isn't planning to return. He is playing along with it. Maybe for her sake. Perhaps because she leaves him no choice. She is persistent, and will not leave him alone.He knows you're in the picture and he is respecting your presence; while she is doing all she can to lure him back into her life. No matter how long it takes. It also strokes his ego to know she can't move on; even though she has you.You have emotionally bonded with this woman as your girlfriend. Your emotional ties will not allow ending the relationship to be an immediate solution; so you will most likely try to choose something less drastic.I recommend talking to her and telling her exactly what you know. Tell her how you came by the information; and how you feel about it. I strongly urge you to wait before you address this issue; so anger will not turn this into a rage-filled argument full of threats and insults. Don't hand down ultimatums, unless you fully intend to go through with them.She's cheating in the psychological sense; so you will be compelled to admonish her for being deceitful. That would be counterproductive and foolish. She will use it to her advantage. She will turn it around and label you a bully; then she will become the victim. She will use feminine sensitivity and vulnerability as an excuse for an emotional exit. "You're picking on a weak and vulnerable female!"She'll runaway crying and put on an act to draw sorrow and pity from you. If she does, just stop. Talking is only effective when you have her attention, not when she is putting on a drama-queen performance. She is trying to get out of explaining what she's doing. You want to get to the bottom of whether or not her feelings are real for you.Expect the following. Excuses. She will play on your sympathies, by telling you how he hurt her. How she never got closure, and blame him for keeping in contact. She will then become coy and start pushing your "emotional-male buttons" to make you feel like a villain for snooping. She will insist you are misinterpreting everything and it's all a misunderstanding. "You know how much I love you, Baby!"This is where it is important that you remain cool. Even be understanding to some extent. She never got over the breakup. It was a very painful ordeal; but she brought you in on the rebound. This is often not intentional; however, it is unfair and selfish. She put her feelings first, which is really necessary to get over the breakup; but not when you drag someone else in during the process.My medicine is a tough medicine to swallow. It will take you sometime to consider it and to put it into practice. Just the same, here it is.You have to let her go. She needs time to process the fact that her ex is over her, and their relationship is in the past. She has to understand that your feelings count and are very important; because you allowed yourself to attach and consider her the woman you are in-love with. You dedicated your heart and time to her, and that shouldn't be taken lightly. Do not allow her tears and pleading to distract you. She needs time to get over someone else; before she can really and truly love you, or anyone else. Her emotionalizing is a tactic to shake your resolve; and weaken your logical stance. Preserve your heart. That is necessary for your own survival.He will always be in the back of her mind, and she will only try to find more secretive ways(less accessible to you)to get back to him. Until she has truly moved on from her old relationship; you are just a substitute fill-in for the man who has moved on.Control your anger, and use a logical and well-thought approach.
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A
female
reader, KC12 +, writes (15 November 2013):
 I agree with Sugarplum786. It's probably best if you end things now, rather than be hurt more later...if the situation between the two escalates.
The fact that she's continually talking to him despite your requests not to shows that she is not only disrespectful towards you but also untrustworthy.
I agree with you that confronting her with an ultimatim like "it's him or me" won't change anything; she'll probably just say she choses you and then keep talking to him...
You should probably make the choice for her, and tell her it's over.
I say this a lot, but it's true: YOU deserve better. You deserve someone who gives you 100%
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): She's not 100% happy with you. She's not settled. She feels like something is missing.
She's chosen to disrespect your relationship and betray your trust for the sake of the ex. That shows you how little she values what you have.
I'm sorry to say but after 3 years if she's still doing this then it's not going to work out. She knows everything you have to offer by now and it looks like that's not 'it' for her or else she wouldn't be holding on to the ex.
I would dump her.
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A
male
reader, 11muds11  +, writes (15 November 2013):
Oh, boy. How many of these things I've seen go on and on and never work out for the person in your position. I wish I had better news for you, I really do. I used to live in Russia and one thing I saw was that many women have overly strong fathers, which makes them attracted to men like this. You seem very reasonable and a good man. Maybe, just maybe, this is not the girl for you.You're still very young and deserve better. I wish I could give you better advice, but I would seriously think of moving on. If you've had to come for advice more than a couple of times, maybe that's telling you something. Great relationships shouldn't be that hard. People usually fit together and judging from your posting, you might need that type of girl.On the bright side I found many many beautiful faithful women in Russia when I didn't go to the normal places. Literally go to book stores and libraries as many of my friends met their wives there. It's almost unbelievable how many beautiful, good women hang out with a book in Russia.Hope this helps. Sorry for the bad news. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, scrdofyou +, writes (15 November 2013):
 She screwed up her chance. She shows how little you and hers relationship means to her. She is still fantasizing about this man. I think its time to cut your losses, and chalk this up to a learning experience.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): Open up the letter you read, leave it on the screen and put a post-it-note on the monitor that says, "Start packing your things and find some place to go."
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (15 November 2013):
 Hi, sorry to tell you but she is still hung up on her ex and you are the back up plan. Nothing will change and seems like the ex likes the attention he gets and keeps her hanging. She also was prepared to risk everything for him by not respecting your request to stop contact with the ex. She values the ex more than u.
Time to cut this woman lose and find someone that can be really yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): It sounds like she just can't let go, for whatever reason.You've built something together, you've had special moments, but discovering she is lying about being in contact with him, breaks your trust and undermines what you have.I would be crushed too if I found out my boyfriend was still in contact with an ex, when he has always reassured in the past he is not. It would make me doubt everything he says, and I would find it hard to trust him after that.Have a heart to heart and ask why she can't let go? Don't confront, don't be angry - try to be her "friend" and ask, when she promised she would stop contact with him, why didn't she? What keeps her contacting him? Initiating contact? Pretending things would be different? Let her soul search and see if it brings her any security? reminds her of a different time of something she may have lost? Why can't she cut that tie, and align fully and totally only with you? Is something missing with the two of you? Are you not The One to her? Is she passing time until she does meet "the one"? Why did she break up with the ex? His decision or hers? That would also explain a lot...!
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