A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in college, have never slept with anyone/had a boyfriend and I'm still undecided as to whether to do so before I get married (I'm also Christian though I wasn't raised religious). I would never sleep around but at the moment I feel it's unfair to even date guys if I'm not sure I would ever sleep with them or not. I'm trying to think through it and at the moment I've got the following:Pros: You can be sure of the guy's commitment, no risk of getting STDs/pregnant etc., makes it more specialCons: Obviously no experience doing it, less relationship experience as most guys nowadays won't date a girl who waits, may be seen as prudish/naive by some guysProvided you take precautionary measures is "doing it" within a committed long-term relationship just as good as waiting for marriage? Or is there something about only ever sleeping with one person that I should hold out for?I'd really appreciate any advice, thanks :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): There are no guarantees in life. A husband may be 100% committed to you now but as the years go on he may change. All you can go by is what someone is like right now. You cannot predict the future. If a guy is with you now and says he is committed to you how can you know it is 100% and forever? You cannot know for sure. You can choose to believe he always will be because the alternative means holding yourself back just in case and that will be unhealthy for the present relationship. I am not saying that abstaining from sex is unhealthy for a present relationship. It depends on the people involved. If you believe in abstaining then you have to get with a guy who also believes the same. Many people feel that sex within a long term committed relationship is necessary to sustain it and deepen that relationship even more. If you get with a guy who feels that way then abstaining from sex will to him feel like you do not want to get close to him unless he marries you. He may even feel like you are manipulating him into marriage. So in the end whatever your views on the role sex plays in a relationship, make sure you date only guys who share the same beliefs.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): To the male posters who say so many marriages are ruined because the husband cannot handle the fact that he is not his wife's first lover ... did you, the man, similarly save yourself for marriage? If you, the man, didn't save yourself for marriage, then you are a hypocrite and the responsibility for the marriage being ruined lies on your over active imagination and inability to control your thoughts not on your wife's having had a sexual relationship before you. To the OP. IMO practising safe sex within a committed relationship is fine and healthy. Having casual flings IMO leads to much emotional pain and turbulence and can be risky health wise. Waiting until marriage to have sex for the first time is also risky IMO because you don't know if you will be good sexual partners with the person you are signing up to have sex with for the rest of your life and to the exclusion of anyone else. A good sex life can bring couples closer as it is the one form of intimate expression that you do not share with regular friends. A bad sex life can turn your marriage into a very good platonic friendship that lacks deep intimacy which is a shame. That makes sexual compatibility important enough to be a criteria in selecting a spouse.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 April 2013):
 Yes, OP, THAT'S a wonderful idea - even if you find what you believe to be the right guy, and if you WANT to make love with him don't let him taint you... spoil you ...ruin you...by letting him ( gasp ! ) put his penis inside you, so in case you end up not getting married with the first guy, and ten years down the line you meet some neurotic wuss with closet homoerotic fantasies ( because , I suspect, that's all what this fixation on penises and penetration is about ) he won't have to shed any tears ( and sweat ? and blood ? ) over having arrived second to your ...pearly gates.
It would sound a week motivation to stay chaste, BUT , there's another, nobler one : you'd probably save us at DC the agony to answer another post about RJ, and evolutionary psichology, and all that jazz. You'd have my perennial gratitude, and that of other Aunts too. So I hope you'll consider this a valid motivation to preserve your purity.
Jokes aside, OP, personally, in my previous post, far from suggesting you to become adventurous or promiscuous, I told you that if you do embrace Christian values, then in theory you should be coherent with them also in your sexual behaviour - BUT, at the end of the day - to thine own self be true. Do only what is aligned with YOUR values, wants and needs. Don't indulge - or abstain- because of peer pressure, or because of what people would say, or because of what DearCupiders say. Look deep inside yourself, and find what is important to you, what you can truly live without shame and without regret , and act accordingly.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 April 2013):
 Oh yeah.. she should "save herself" so that a future husband wont feel jealous and insecure...
No, you shouldn't wait with sex just to please some insecure future husband who can't handle a woman who has a past. You should wait with sex if that is what is right for you, only you. You shouldn't wait (or do it) because you are worried what others might think of you. You should do what feels right for you, and then the right person will come along. The right person for you will be someone who sees you eye to eye on the important matters. Someone whose beliefs match yours, even if they aren't identical.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): The answer you need is in other posts on this website! Do a quick search and read how many marriages are suffering from the pained caused by imagining your spouse having sex with someone before you. When you fall in love one day to the point that you want to publicly declare to all society that you and this man are together for life. You and him will come to see the beauty of this ideal we profess in marriage. However, so many men (and some women) are haunted at night by the realization that this beautiful ideal, this marriage, this women, has been previously taken another man's penis into her. The beautiful women and ideal you see feels tainted, profaned,ruined. No one talks about this enough. But it is a very common occurrence. There are attempts to explain this retroactive jealousy from the prospective of evolutionary biology--that's how common it is. Just look around this website and read some of the stories saturated in pain and tears. If you are a virgin you have an opportunity that so many on this site would die for! You have the opportunity to realize the beauty of the ideal of marriage. You and your future husband giving yourselves to each other in a complete way that no one else on the planet has ever or will ever share. You might not be able to see the beauty of this yourself since you are not yet married, but please look around and read some posts. You have an amazing chance at a beautiful thing!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 April 2013):
 You do realize OP that marriage will not guarantee a lifetime commitment. HOPEFULLY it will but people grow and change and sometimes marriages just don't work out for various reasons.
People often marry without being 100% committed (not saying it's right) but they may feel 80-95% sure and willing to take the risk.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): Thank you all for your advice :)I get the whole "sexual compatibility" thing, but surely if I knew a guy well enough that we were considering marrying each other, we could simply discuss it beforehand? Besides, people don't always like the same stuff throughout their lives (sex drive changes after you've given birth and so on)?I think the main issue I have with not having sex before marriage is that I'd rather not sleep with anyone who I can't be very sure is 100% committed to me. Even close male friends I know who have girlfriends (who they're obviously sleeping with) who've been with them for 1 or 2 years sometimes ask me for relationship advice as they're not 100% sure the girl is "the one." Obviously they're with those girls for more reasons than sex but I wouldn't want to believe I'd found my Mr Right and sleep with him only to find out he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life or not.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (10 April 2013):
 PROS: No STD/pregnancy AND makes it more special. Note: The guy’s commitment is to ‘abstain’ from doing it. Establishing friendship, a good foundation and mutual respect, discovering what excites one another without comparisons or baggage.
CONS: No guarantee of a guy’s commitment, nowadays or any days :) guys want sex and won’t date, loosing your virginity when coerced or thinking he’s Mr. Right; when he’s thinking - right now, being rejected soon after ‘doing it’, giving in to social pressure.
Who cares - Irrelevant: Inexperienced, prudish/naïve
Take Care – CAA
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 April 2013):
 Your submittal has one outlandishly naive detail. It is this: "Pros: You can be sure of the guy's commitment..."
THAT is backwards!!! The minute you spread your legs for a guy, all his desire/compulsions/needs to have a "committment" evaporate. HE will (now) get what he wants... and YOU will have compromised..... and, so, you are back at the start, again.....
All else in your submittal is pretty smart and sound. Take the grain of salt that I've offered, and see how it fits with all else in your submittal...
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): Not very many people reach the end of their first solid long-term relationship as a virgin. For some people they are high schoolers who never expected to stay together for life and marry. Other people are 24yo and picturing themselves married to the person. But either way this is usually when the virginity ends.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (9 April 2013):
"at the moment I feel it's unfair to even date guys if I'm not sure I would ever sleep with them or not."
It's not unfair to date guys even if you don't know where you stand on the matter of sex. However this is something you need to be honest about when you enter a relationship. You don't need to say it on the first date, I think it is far too personal for that. However, when you feel things are moving towards a relationship you should have this talk. Just to tell the person that you are so far undecided on the matter.
I think all your Cons are illusionary. Yes, some guys don't want to date, but a man who is serious about you will wait. So in reality, you will only have less experience with the guys who aren't serious/players. But who needs experience with those kind of guys anyway?
And if you are seen as naive and prudish, then again these are not guys you should date to begin with. You are who you are, and if someone wants to judge that then they aren't the one for you.
As for your Pros, they're also debatable. If the man you marry have had previous sexual experiences (which he most likely will have, unless you decide to marry a conservative Christian), then he might have an STD from a prior relationship. He might have something that doesn't show symptoms. So you can't ever be 100% safe from STD's unless you never have sex. Then again, most STD's are curable/pose no threat and have no consequences.
Ask God what you should do. There is a right answer for you. The right thing for you to do will not necessarily be what is right for everyone else, but there is one path that is right for you, and only you know that path.
I am also a Christian, wasn't raised as one, and I have no special feeling towards waiting with sex until marriage, or living together before marriage. For me it is a non issue, I don't see a problem with doing it. But that's just me, and I think I feel this way because I wasn't raised to believe you should wait until marriage. I wasn't even raised to believe in marriage. Then again, I don't think I'd feel as if I had missed out on anything if I had waited. I do want to get married, and when married you only have no sexual partner. If I can be fine with one sexual partner for decades then there is no "need" for dozens of sexual partners before marriage.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 April 2013):
I feel that sex is special if you only have it with special people, not with anybody who's around when you're horny.
So if you meet someone, after a few dates it would be fair to mention that you are a virgin and you're saving yourself for someone special and there could be a wait. If that doesn't scare him away, great. If it does great, you weeded out someone who was wrong for you.
If you want to wait till marriage that's fine as well. Just be honest about it and see what happens.
Listening to you I know what's going to happen no matter which option you choose: you're going to meet a great guy who makes you feel special and decided that there's no point in waiting if this is who you're going to marry anyways. And that's totally fine.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 April 2013):
I think it is impossible for us to give you an unbiased ,objective advice, because our advice won't be detached by our personal set of moral/religious/cultural values and rules.
So, if you ask me, I am not Christian and I'd have to say that it's simply insane to marry someone whom you haven't ever been intimate with, when you would not even buy a cheap pair of shoes without first tryng them on ! And, beside this strictly utilitarian criterium, if you have the luck / the determination of being with just ONE special man for all your life, I don't see why you'd have to " save yourself for marriage " , I mean, could you not have sex with the guy at, say, 20 then marry him at 25 or 30 ?
As you see, for me sex and marriage- no, they don't go together like horse and carriage :).
BUT, I realize that mine would be bad, superficial advice. This works and makes sense for me because I don't subscribe to the concept of sex as shameful and sinful- or to the concept of " sin " in general.
If you, though, practice and believe in a religion that forbids premarital sex, then you SHOULD abstain from premarital sex. Having a faith is about integrity and coherence, i.e. ,quite simply, in putting your money where your mouth is. I think you can't be a card carrying memeber of the Communist party- and vote for the Neonazis. Or an animal rights activist who wears a mink coat. So, if you are a Christian not just nominally, but in facts and beliefs....then the choice should be clear.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (9 April 2013):
 It is a personal choice, and everyone's opinion is going to vary so dont listen to any one person in particular.
However I will say that while your first time is special (as long as it is with someone you are in a long term relationship with and are in love with), it is nothing that 'spectacular' to make it really worth waiting for - but that is just my opinion!
My point of view regarding sex and marriage is that it would be too much of a risk not to have sex with someone you are considering marrying. This is because with some people you are not sexually compatible, and if you ended up married to someone you are not sexually compatible with then that will be a disaster! Some people have higher sex drives than others, some people like different things in the bedroom....there is a lot to find out about your partner 'sexually' before you know whether you can be with that person 'forever'.
I wouldnt be able to take the risk of not knowing if my future husband was compatible with me, I need to know that kind of information before I could commit to marry someone!
But as I've said before, it is entirely up to you and how you feel at the time. There is no need to not date a guy just because you are not sure about sex right now, in fact it will be good for you to date guys and then figure out if you like him enough to actually consider dating him!
You dont need everythng figured out before you date someone, just take it slowly and enjoy dating, then see what happens. If you decide you want to wait until after marriage, then you simply tell the guy once you have made that decision and if they dont like it well they can leave, if they are ok with it then you will have a good guy : )
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male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (9 April 2013):
 From a Christian's perspective... there is no Hebrew or Greek word in the Bible that precisely refers to sex before marriage. However in the Bible Paul does state, (in First Corinthians 7:2) essentially, that because people cannot control themselves sexually, and because of the amount of sexual immorality in this world, marriage is the cure for it. Because of the amount of people having sex outside of marriage, this would seem like the way to go- and two people can fulfill their passions with one another... in a moral way. I like the exclusivity of that. But the ONE problem I have with no sex before marriage is the sexual compatibility level. Now don't get me wrong... a person can be what you're looking for physically, mentally, and even spiritually. But what if you're not sexually compatible? What if the chemistry or romance just isn't there? Sex (next to money) is what many couples tend to argue about the most. Now granted the more sexual encounters you have with one person, the more you get to know about what each other wants and likes are in the bedroom. However, if there is no connection... there is no connection. You can't fake it. It simply just doesn't work between you two. I think in your situation it should be important to wait... wait and date. Wait quite a while and see if you click with a guy on all levels. Date him (exclusively), get to know him, see if you click. And if you do click, and you're ready to become intimate (*and this is my opinion only*), have sex and see if there's a connection in the bed as well. There will be some guys that wouldn't want to wait and expect sex after a date or two, but as a woman you can determine the pace. YOU decide when you're ready. The guys that are willing to wait, WILL view it as special. And depending on how the sexual encounter go, they will see it as worth the wait. So if you're willing to build with someone and create a relationship, then by all means please do so. There is nothing (besides marriage) that feels more special than being with someone in a long-term relationship. But continue to weigh your pros and cons, consider what I wrote, what others may write, and make the decision that's right for YOU.Best wishes!
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