A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:The Marriage Bed I “Lie” InAbout a year and a half ago, we bought a new bed. I think it was our third in 18 years of marriage. Our first king sized. If you were to look down on us sleeping in it, you would see two people on the outer edges and enough room in between for another person, or two. This is a perfect metaphor for my marriage. Here are some facts: 3 wonderful children. All girls ages 10, 7 and 3. My wife and I are about as close as roommates. There is no intimacy whatsoever. I have not had sex with my wife in more than 2 years. Several times in our relationship we have gone multiple years without being intimate. My wife has admitted that I just don’t do it for her. We don’t talk except for the day to day stuff. About 4 months ago, I initiated counseling. I had an affair, and after that ended, thought that I needed professional help to deal with the real issues. My wife doesn’t know about the affair, and I won’t tell her unless it is essential to my healing or for some other benefit for both of us. The affair lasted about 5 months and has been over for 8. I fell in love with her. She knew I was married. I think for her, I was “safe.” It ended because the dishonesty caught up with us, and we were caught by her son – not in the act, but enough so that he knew we were together. He is a troubled teen and uses it against her, and generally treats her very badly. She ended it abruptly to try and restore the relationship with her son. I still love her, but I know that it is over and that there is really no way that we can be together, even if I were single now. I am dealing with two things: heartache, and trying to decide how to live the rest of my life. I’m almost 43. I love my daughters. My wife is a nice, caring woman who is a good mother. I don’t feel attracted to her. She doesn’t see the same problems that I do – she knows that there is an issue with her lack of libido and intimacy, but not to the extent that I do. If she had her wish, it would be for all my angst to go away and we would go back to just the way it has been. Through counseling I’ve been able to accept that the longing of my heart is to be wanted, loved and desired. I want to have an intimate, passionate and physical connection with someone. I did with the other woman while it lasted. Although the affair has been over for a while, we have tried to remain friends. I’ve had a hard time with it. She is always there: email, chat, phone, etc. I keep wanting what we had while we were together. I can’t get it out of my head. I’ve acted foolish on occasion and told her that I still love her – that I’ve not been able to get over her. I’ve sent embarrassing emails. When I don’t hear from her, my mind imagines the worst.My wife and I don’t really fight, although I think my oldest is starting to pick up on the fact that we are not happy. My wife is scared because I am so unhappy. Recently I’ve told her that divorce is definitely not off the table. She went to counseling with me once and told the counselor that we “love” each other, but don’t really like each other. I feel a great sense of commitment to my vows. I never wanted to be the sort of person who could cheat on my wife. I can’t stand the dishonesty and wouldn’t have an affair again. I’m scared. I’m scared that the grass isn’t greener. I’m scared of hurting my daughters. I’m fearful that I still hold out hope for a relationship with the other woman that isn’t possible, but that this hope drives me towards separating from my wife. I feel that I need to get over the heartache before I can think clearly about what to do. I’m afraid that even if my wife wants to work on making changes, that it is too little too late. I don’t believe she has the capacity to want me the way that I need to be loved and wanted. I keep comparing. I know that I’m opening myself up to criticism about the affair. I do regret it.How selfish should I be in achieving my goals? How do I leave my wife without hurting my children in the process? Is the grass greener? How do I frame up the expectations for my wife and then how long do I spend allowing her to meet them? When will the heartache end? How do I get over the other woman?
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female
reader, pgissyd  +, writes (21 January 2008):
 you are able to, if you are really at a dead end, you have tried everything and its still not right, then it is time t move on. but not to the other woman, go single for a while find yourself, sort out when you can see the kids, who they live with, g through the divorce and te morning period and so on before you fly into another reltionship, at least do that much for me.
Yes I do understand, i myself went from one bad relationship with my ex, (abuse), to a dead relationship with my now husband, he is just lke your wife, but our children are very young and I want to keep trying, hell I never really enjoyed sex anyway lol, but its the mental intimacy I need, so yes I know how you fel, I know hw hopeles it all seems, I know everything you have gone through and are still going through, but sometimes what doesnt work for one will still work oranother, in this case it hasnt. Im sorry for that, I hoped that even though it didnt help me it may help you.
Dont continue living a lie, talk to your wife about amicable arangements, make them like business plans, try not to involve emotions in your talks, and see if you both want the same thing, I would suggest a trial separation first though, explain what you can to your children, the older two at least, make them understand it is not their fault, and make sre you see them as much as possable.
Above all, make sure every step you two take is completly amicable for both of you.
the easier you make it on yourselves the easier it will be for your children.
Im sorry your life is going this way, but you gave up on your marrage many years ago, and I think your wife did too.
take care and come back and talk any time you need to.
Issy x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPgissyd wrote: But you had that first class life when you first started dating your wife. What you felt and experianced was the danger of forbidden love, the rush of something different and disallowed, and the whole falling in love and courting stuff. You havent not experianced it before, you just got a refresher of the begining.I've thought a lot about this part of your response. I don't think my wife and I had this level of love in the beginning. I feel that we were making life long decisions at a time of life where we were not equipped to do so. We both settled and felt that we just wanted to be married. It has always nagged at me – on some level I think I always knew. When I wrote the first post I thought it was more the physical intimacy that I longed for than anything else. That was only part. The bigger part is being known. Really knowing my heart. Allowing me to know her. It’s the knowing and wanting to be known that is missing (intimacy in a broader sense). She admits that she just can’t go beyond where she is now. She doesn’t let anyone in. She admits it. She doesn’t see the need for close intimate friendships, even with her own family or friends. Every one of her relationships (including me) is at this surface level. I’m not like that. I want to be known. I want a deep intimate connection. I have close friends who know me. Don’t get me wrong, the physical stuff is important to me, and it is missing, but if she were to give me that and not the other – knowing her heart – then the situation would be the same. It has taken some amount of counseling for me to wrap my mind around this aspect. One time, before I even knew this, I wrote the other woman, “I know you and I love you.” It was true. I felt it from her too. I appreciate your challenge, but I have tried that, and it has not worked. I think it is difficult for you to understand (comprehend?) this aspect of her, Pgissyd, because you’re not like that. Being online in this forum is evidence of that. In part this is how you are known. At least it demonstrates a desire to be known. I have several friends and acquaintances that are my age, and for various reasons are experiencing the “second time around.” They are able to find a mate and be with someone with full consideration of their experience. And from what I’ve seen, those relationships are pretty wonderful. I want that. The problem is that in order for me to get that, I have to devastate my family in the process. My wife wouldn’t recover. My kids would be hurt some. So, now the focus for me is to live with that. I’m scared that I’m unable to.
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A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (3 January 2008):
But you had that first class life when you first started dating your wife. What you felt and experianced was the danger of forbidden love, the rush of something different and disallowed, and the whole falling in love and courting stuff.
You havent not experianced it before, you just got a refresher of the begining.
Ok you say you enjoy challeges, here is one.
tonight, when the kids are in bed and after dinner.
Turn off the tele, make her a drink, be it coffee or wine etc, sit down next to her, look into her eyes while smiling, and say...
'I love you, I want to feel like you love me too, I need to make changes but I cannot do it without your help, will you help me to become the man you want me to be, help me to become someone you want to look at lovingly and want to make love to, help me understand how we can become more than what we are.
Tell me why hold back with me, am I not who you thought I would be? do you have ideas of being with another who can make you happier than I can?'
Then you have to sit back, keep looking into her eyes and say nothing. Nod in the right places, make encouraging sounds but say nothing. She will talk if given the room.
She may well start with.. ' well if you were more...' or ' if you would just...'
Go with the flow, allow her to start how she needs to start, she may well accuse you of being a lazy slovenly slob who will never be waht she wants, but unless she addresses her own issues you wont get anywhere, so allow her to call you all the names under the sun, dont react, dont fight back, just let her words flow.
The idea is that when she has run out of run downs for you she will start on her own faults, ' I dont like you looking at my body because its old a saggy'... 'I dont feel attractive, I dont think you fancy me anymore'... I dont enjoy sex, its painful for me'.... I think Im bi-sexual'... I want to experiance other men'.... I feel so lonely'... Im scared because our kids are growing up to fast'... I know about your affair'...
It could be so many things. but if you really listen to her, when she is telling you something that your doing wrong you will find she is telling you something she is not happy with about herself.
You seem hung up on the swearing around the kids, do you swear when they are around? or does she? Observe for a while, see who does it the most, maybe she thinks if you dont swear then it will help her not to also?
Seriously, when you are told to listen, it means listen to it all, hear the hidden meanings and allow her to do the whole 'its all your fault bit' its a natural lead up to the everything thats wrong with her.
The problem with a lot of men/women convos, is that women need to tell the guy off before they can admit their own faults, men will get defensive and angry at the assult on their pride. I personally like to do things the other way around, I start 'little talks' with ' I wish I didnt' or 'can you help me to stop..' But so many women do not do that.
If you want any help translating what she is saying, then feel free to type word for word what she says here. try and keep it in order and include any questions or comments you make in the appropriate places.
Some people find it hard to talk about emotions, It took me 2 years to get to the bottom of my husbands issues. But I finally found the right keywords to get him to admit it and let it out. He hasnt changed for telling me, but at least I know now and have something to work with.
I hope that helps you somewhat, but please dont expect an instant confession and dont expect to come away unmarked, it will take time and likely you will be talking or rather she will be talking for a while.
And if she wont talk tonight, then try again tomorrow, then the next night and the next night and so on. Remember, when she does let it out, you have to tell her you want the old her back, the love, the warmth and so on.
hope all of that makes sense, I tend to write on the spur lol. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt wasn't very clear in my post, but I did listen. I did want to hear her. I have asked over and over for her input. Her list was short. She wanted me to swear less around the kids. That was on her mind when we were at dinner. I want her to tell me the desires and longings of her heart. She wants to give me lists of stuff to work on. But even the lists of stuff are small things - what I would consider to be superficial.
I've listened and changed before. It was big for her for me to be involved in church. For a long time I wasn't. I didn't like it. Now I go regularly and volunteer there. I did it, in part, for her. I've told her that it was for her. Even though I'm not a person who swears, I will watch my language around the kids. I don't have a problem making changes, or listening to her.
My point was that I want her to open up her heart to me. To be curious about what's in my heart. I do listen. I know I can change if she could open up. It is not in her nature. She is doing the best she can and I want more. Its not fair, but its honest. I don't fault her. She is who she is.
The thing I regret about the affair is that I know how it COULD be. I felt it. Experienced it. It was wrong, but in a narrow, compartmental way, I felt whole. Loved and desired. Wanted for who I am. Its like experiencing first class. If you only fly coach, you don't know. If you get bumped up to first class, and experience it, it is hard to go back to coach. Its a poor analogy, and I'm not trying to be crass.
My goal is to be completely honest with her about whats in my heart. I'm going to focus on me and be a better person - for me. I will continue to seek ways to be close to her. For the kid's sake, I won't leave. But someday my kids will be grown and I wonder what will happen then.
I appreciate your input, and challenges.
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A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (2 January 2008):
why didnt you want to hear her list? The reason she shuts down is because you dont want to hear what she wants to say, so she has decided if you wont listen then there is no point talking. you want to make changes? then start by listening, hear her out. let her tell you the list and see what it involves.
please respond.
issy x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou just don’t get everything you want in life. I’m not sure I agree that everyone is entitled to the marriage or relationship that they envision. Here are some updates since my original post:
• I continue to go to counseling and I’m learning a lot about myself
• She went a couple times and then quit
• I joined a men’s group and I’ve learned a lot from that interaction – turns out I’m not the only one who wants to be desired and loved and wanted
• My kids are great and doing really well
• We don’t fight at all about this, we move about our daily lives as normal. The kids don’t really know about what I’m feeling.
• My wife thinks that an ideal is unattainable. She won’t even entertain discussing what she wants or focus or agree on trying. Anytime we get close to talking about it, she closes down.
• I believe that my wife loves me the best that she can. That she is doing her best from her perspective.
Things that I know now:
• I can only change me. I can’t change her.
• She is not the woman for me and I think if I’m honest, I’ve known it for a long time – even before we had kids and from very early in our relationship – I know this with hindsight, of course
Recently I arranged baby-sitting for the kids and we went on an overnight to a nice hotel. I tried several times to engage her in intimate conversation about what she wanted, what her desires were. I told her that I could change (I believe that, even at my age, I can make changes) – that maybe she would respond to my changes or trying to. When I asked her to tell me about what she wants – “what is your perfect or ideal person?” She only said that she has a list of things that I need to work on. Well, first she said, “it doesn’t matter, we have what we have.” I explained that I wanted it to be positive, not a list, but rather a gateway sort of conversation so that we can work on being each other’s ideal. I didn’t want to hear a list of “issues” she has with me and we dropped it. The rest of the time was spent shopping and talking about day to day things.
I don’t know why she has a hard time talking about the core of who she is with me – or anyone. I don’t understand why we don’t see the same issues, and how she can conclude that we are really doing much better now – her words.
If the environment in the house was bad and angry and there was fighting and yelling, I think that I would conclude that divorce would be the best course. I wouldn’t want to teach my children that abuse and fighting is an acceptable environment. As it is now, I’ve decided to live status quo and work on myself. I can only change who I am. I can have a better influence on my children if I’m in the house.
I will continue to have hope that either she will make changes, or get to know herself better, or there will come a day when we both call bullshit and mutually agree to end it, but in a way that isn’t horrible for the kids. Until then, for me, it’s going to be status quo. That is not the answer for everyone. Maybe the next update will be better.
Again, thanks for the feedback and responses.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2007): Theres nothing healthy about a lonely marriage. You sound like a decent man who wants to do the right thing, and you feel guilty for not being satisfied with what you have.
But an empty feeling is just that...emptiness.
You can continue to go through the motions for your children, but that will just leave you feeling the same over the years.
I don't believe in remaining in an empty marriage.
I think everyone belongs where they feel loved and wanted.
You can do all the right things, but if you don't have that, nothing really feels right does it.
Right now, your teaching your kids that marriage is superficial and something you get through.
Your not teaching them that intimacy and closeness and companionship between a man and woman is important because they don't see thier parents sharing that.
If you feel misery, loneliness and no hope for a healthy vital relationship with your childrens mother. Get out, and take care of all of them the best you can, but give yourself the chance to have what fulfills you also.
You don't want to feel loved and wanted, you NEED to feel loved and wanted. And any woman you have in your life should need that for you and have a desire to give it to you.
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A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (30 November 2007):
I have a feeling she is trying really hard, or has been trying really hard, but because she is not doing it the way you expect her to do it, you are not seeing the changes.
You need to work on the resentment issues, find some release from them, and perhaps find a way to forgive yourself and stop blaming your wife?
When you stop seeing her as the reason for all your bad feeling, you may find you see her in a new light. A good way to get some clarity and some release is to take up a physical sport. be it power running or boxing, just once a week to take out all your frustrations, then after the workout, take time to relax and think quietly by yourself, I think the best for these, is somewher compleatly alone but comfortable, so if you run, take a long break on top of a hill. If you box or go to the gym, take a sauna or spa after.
You need to think and work things through, see each situatio n for what it really is, and take time to realise you are as much to blame, if not more, than your wife is.
Personally I think the real reason you resent her, is because she hasnt done anything wrong, she hasnt given you any reason to escape your dull marrage.
Life isnt what you expected it to be, and you are dissapointed, you take that dissapointment out on her, making her as miserable as you feel, so now both af you are stuck in a dull, emotionless marrage and dont know how to cope.
Time to rain check!
Take an action packed holiday, surprise her with a romantic meal at a nice restaurant.
Start courting all over again.
You cannot expect her to do all the work, and trust me, she is, You want her to change, but reality is you need to change too.
Go back to when you first begun dating, start again and find out what the attraction was in the begining.
I hope that is a positive response for you, i hope I have given you another perspective, I dont want it to sound harsh, I only want to help.
Take care hun, and keep us all posted xxxxxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhy the resentment?
This is a great question, and you are right. There is plenty of resentment.
I guess the first would be because of years of rejection. At some point I just stopped approaching her, because it was too painful to get rejected all the time.
I’m resentful because she doesn’t believe that we can have a connection the way I want. Like you said, I crave the intimate and physical connection. She said that it is unattainable and that I was being influenced by Hollywood and the media.
Another reason (maybe the biggest) is that I feel guilty about the affair. She is a reminder of that guilt. I don’t justify what I did, and I own my actions, but I feel that if she were there for me physically and intimately, then I wouldn’t have wanted to experience that with another person. I feel guilty because of what I did, and when I look at her, I’m reminded of that guilt.
I guess that I’m a little resentful because although she sees the issues, she doesn’t really do anything about it. She seems unable or unwilling to take small steps towards change.
I guess I’m a little resentful because she feels that love and devotion is something that she is entitled to because of our vows. I think that both people have to work at it.
Getting over the resentment is a major focus of counseling.
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A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (28 November 2007):
Im really pleased you are both trying, but you have a fair amount of resentment to your wife, Im wondering why. what did she do to deserve your resentment? why do you feel the need to make her feel guilty for your mistakes? I think you really need to work this out before anything will start to come together between you.take care hun, keep us updated xxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear All,
Thank you very much for your honest and frank opinions and advice. It is just what I needed. I’m very grateful.
I’ll answer some of the persistent questions:
-- we are in counseling now – she has hers, I have mine, and we are starting counseling together with our pastor (2 hours last night)
-- actually, when you hear both of us talk, we feel the same hurt from each other. It is deep and longstanding. We both describe it as feeling from the other, a lack of love.
-- I think that we have both agreed now that we need to pull out all the stops as if our relationship is in critical condition and in need of life support. I’ve felt this when I started counseling, it has taken her some time to get there
-- everything in my first post has been said to my wife on several occasions (except the affair). The difference this time is that I’ve called on professional help
-- I have severed all communication with the other woman, I know that with her still “in my life” through email, text, chat and phone is NOT helpful – I don’t think I add anything to her life
-- The next few months will be critical, as I don’t want to work on these changes forever. I’m looking for forward progress.
-- I feel an equal part of blame for where we are, however she doesn’t own her share.
Again, thank you very much. I appreciate the book recommendation too, and will check it out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007): Eek!
Well you obviously can communicate your feelings and emotions to us; what about these same words to your wife? What is her story? Communication would be a start. She, I'm sure, has a similar story. OF COURSE You know continuing to have this other woman in your life is only making your decisions more complex. (I'm assuming)You would hate to abandon your friendship with this other woman and your ability to vent to your frustrations, but is it that you want… sympathy?
I understand the other woman would give you this; but what are you giving her? Emotional distress?
Hmm time to stand up for your real morals and not your temporary needs/wants. Life is a long project and not a quick band-aid. You should know this by your raising children. What advice will you be offering 6 years from now when the oldest is asking you a similar question? Take a step back and look in.
You will find a sad woman who you once cared deeply for. Sympathize with that love you once had…
or not...
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A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (26 November 2007):
 There's not much left to say as the previous posts are really good. However, there are some things I wanted to point out...
Your daughter's (or at least your eldest daughter) is beginning to pick up on the fact that you two aren't happy. The sad reality is if you and your wife are unhappy, your daughter's will begin to adapt to that behavior and become unhappy themselves. You and your wife are for daughter's the model of what a marriage is to be - especially during the formative years of your daughter's development (emotional). Do you want your daughters to grow up thinking that all marriages are unhappy? Or that if you're in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage that you need stay "for the kids sake?"
I agree with everyone who has posted before me that said you two need counseling. The two of you need to go together - ALL THE TIME so you can discover what it is that the one person needs and wants from the other. It is vital to your marriage.
Also, if you and your wife are religious at all, you would definitely want to begin praying together. Prayer is very powerful for those that believe. Counseling through your church is also helpful in helping spouses understand their roles in marriage in the biblical context and I have seen many marriages saved through this.
Or you can get divorced.
You've got options. You and your wife need to come to that conclusion together. Your daughters will be hurt either way if you stay in the unhappy marriage or divorce - somehow they will be affected. Choose carefully.
Hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (26 November 2007):
 Hi there. I've read your post twice and carefully. I understand your feelings on this. You've described it well.
At face value there is no magic answer. You either stay where you are and try and make the best of it. Or you take the plunge and divorce.
You have tried the "halfway house" arrangement of living with your family but seeing another woman. You just needed some intimacy, but you fell in love!! That's just giving you more dilemmas.
I could leave it at that. Keep it simple.
However, there is more to consider. There are some assumptions going on here which need questioning:
How does your wife feel? Does she want divorce? She is in the same situation as you. Lonely. Unfulfilled. What is her suggestion or solution? Does she want a lover? Is she only staying for the kids? If there's no intimacy from your wife, would she accept you take a lover? If you divorced, could you have the kids? Are you both trying to do the "right thing" by staying together? How long do you feel you can continue like this? How long can your wife continue for? What is it that is holding you in the present situation - the kids - or marriage vows? Same for your wife. There must be a practical solution to this - if both husband and wife are accepting that a large portion of the marriage is over.
Maybe too many questions in the air now. I'll leave it at that. It may have helped. Good luck.
Richard
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (26 November 2007):
 They say the grass is greenest where you water it. You had me until you mentioned your commitment to your vows. It sounds like that went out the window a long time ago. You also said you would never cheat again. My friend, you've never stopped. Emailing, talking etc is not a good way to get over someone. Honesty with yourself is important. By the way, you were not and will not be "friends", your two people in a love triangle. Friends don't act like that so please don't try to convince yourself that friendship is an alternative. That is not what you're looking for.
The only way to save your marriage is therapy. It might be too late. You don't stand a chance though as long as you're connected to the other woman. One thing you must accept is that there will always be other women who would be potential partners. There will be others who attract you. When you're married though, you work on what you have. You conclude that, unless it's terrible, this is my life. This is the woman I'm with. It isn't always fireworks and red hot love. During the times the fire is fading, that's when you have to really work at it.
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A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (26 November 2007):
This is going to be tough, not for me, for you. Im sorry.
I do feel for you, really I do. the affair was very wrong, but you know that.
I not sure what it is you want us to tell you. Im not going to tell you to leave your wife just because she doesnt make you feel like god.
I know what you are saying, I too crave the affection you mention, but my husband isnt like that, But I love him dearly and wouldnt leave him just because Im not cuddled or made love to enough.
I understand you have had some counceling, but I suspect it was very little, and it probably wasnt the right sort of counceling for you.
You and your wife need marrage counceling, you HAVE to make your wife understand you have some needs too, she will tell you she has needs you probably never even considered.
Im guessing you probably want the same things, but your both to hung up on yourselves to tell each other, truthfully, honestly and calmly, thats what marrage counceling is for, so you can rediscover each other and learn about one another.
Please dont tell your wife about the afair, it would be wrong on so many levels to do that to her.
Stop thinking about the bit of fluff too, you dont love her, you love how she makes you feel. That is selfish and egostistical.
If you really think about what you are actually asking for, its for your EGO to be boosted, that affair did that for you and now your hooked. Put the brakes on and think about your wife and your children instead. You leaving without truely trying will be devestating for all of them.
So My roundup, take your wife to marrage counceling, learn about her and her needs, make her happy and she will reciprocate.
She says you dont do it for her, Im not surprised if your only thinking of yourself!
Take a long hard look at your girls and think of the mark separation will leave on them, would they ever be able to fully trust any man?
Stop pestering this poor girl who obviously no longer wants to be with you, quit the ego trip and work on making the world you have a better one instead.
Put some real effort in and you will find things alot better without testing the grass elsewhere.
Is the grass greener? all grass withers without the proper care, it may well be greener for a while, but if you treat the new grass the same way you treated the old grass, it would soon be just as dull, but if you give the old grass some tender loving care, it will be greener than any you may see in anothers garden.
I hope I have helped yo see this from a new angle. I really hope you make some effort to stop thinking purely of your own self, I really hope I helped in some way shape or form.
Please let me know what you decide to do.
issy xxxx
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A
female
reader, Dhar +, writes (26 November 2007):
 Holy Hannah!What has counseling done? Have you both been going?1. I'm not going to criticize you about the affair - it's what people do when they are unhappy. She might have had a couple herself. 2. The green grass is an illusion: Until you understand fully and completely acknowledge the problems and issues in your current relationship then you will just find the same problems in the next one and the next one and the next one...3. Divorce and unstable, unhappy relationships all affect kids. You are already hurting them, even if it's being done unconsciously. Seek marriage and family therapy - and a therapist who works for you all - until it's all understood.4. Just to emphasize: You are already hurting your kids. Look at her kid. He is a "troubled teen" for a reason. 5. There was a reason you married your wife - there were needs and unhealed wounds you were looking to heal and answer in each other (whether you knew that or not) - look at that before you think about moving on. 6. The heartache WON'T end until you stop looking outside and to others to fix it. The lack of physical intimacy in your marriage is simply a symptom, not the disease. It's indicative of larger, deeper emotional issues. (Harvell Hendrix - Getting the Love you Want - it helped me to understand relationships and my expectations - maybe it'll help you too.)Just my two cents.Good Luck and I hope those at DearCupid can help.
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