A
female
age
51-59,
*atsanddogs315
writes:Can your self esteem recover from years of being put down by your boyfriend?My boyfreind and i have been together for nearly 3 years. I moved into his house when he asked me to, and things were great. Until small things started to emerge, he sent another female a rose on Valentines day, and kept meeting another woman for coffee. He told me this was all innocent, but it made me feel unwanted and not important. I asked him to stop and concentrate on me, but he resents me for 'making' him do this.He also has 2 teenage daughters, and uses them against me constantly. I have tried to be a good role model for them (i don't have any children). And although difficult, i maintain a good relationship with his youngest, who texts me. But this causes problems. He once got really angry because his daughter wanted to talk to me about boy issues. We spent a few hours together, and she explained that it was easier talking to me than her parents. But because he got jealous (of his own daughter!) I stopped seeing them and let them all have time together (cinema, meals etc). But now this is wrong and he says i am making no effort towards his kids!For the past few arguments he has turned violent, throwing things, ashtrays, lamps and plates and telling me i have to clear them up because i made him do it. He has never shown any remorse though. He says he loves me, but i make him do it.About an hour ago, we argued about my Mum, he doesnt like her very much, but she is all i have (only child and my Dad died 4 years ago). He told me that she is never coming up here and i can tell her that too, so i got really angry and kicked a tray which was on the floor. He jumped up and threw the tray and contents at the door and came rushing after me, he pushed me through the doorway and started pointing his finger at me and yelling. I went quiet and went outside for a cigarette, but he followed me and kept asking me if i understood what he was saying and had i learned? I then went to the bedroom and cried, he came up and said he was going out. So thats where we are. He has thrown things every arguement for the last few months. I'm no angel, and during arguments i say the most hurtful things. But a few months ago, he had his hands around my throat and said he would kill me. He then said when he had calmed down that he came really close to killing me.I know i have to leave, but isnt it the hardest thing in the world to do? I do love him. I've read other peoples stories and its always so easy to say leave him. But when your in it, its really difficult. He puts me down on a daily basis, and keeps secrets from me. I'm sure if there was an earthquake on the moon, it would somehow be my fault!When he is good, he is sweet, but never attentive, he never buys flowers or writes little notes. He does phone me a couple of times a day but i get the impression its just to check up on me! We are not intimate at all as he says he is not interseted in me.My question is, will my self esteem recover? I am trying to find the will to leave, i have no-where to go as my Mum lives in a 1 bedroom flat. My friends are all mutual friends and i wouldnt want to put them in a choosing position. My Mum was in an abusive relationship with my biological father and i wonder whether i've picked up the habit of wanting a bad boy?Thing is, i just want to be loved and told occasionally that i am special or amazing or something. Instead of being called chunkie or pud.I guess i just want to hear from you guys that i'm not in the wrong and that may give me the strength to get on and do what i need to.I know i'm not alone, but it does feel like that sometimes.I didnt realise how lonely you could feel within a relatonship!Thankyou for your time.
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flowers, jealous, moved in, puts me down, self esteem, text, violent Reply to this Question
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 September 2009):
There are good guys out there. Good on you for moving on from this guy. If you're worried, speak to a counsellor. There's no shame in it. They'll help you get your self esteem back on track. Lots of luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): you are making a wise desicion, making a stand for yourself, this is the start of your new life. and it will be a happy one. hey you dont need him, good on ya girl
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A
female
reader, catsanddogs315 +, writes (20 September 2009):
catsanddogs315 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. i sent an e-mail to my best friend telling her of everything that has been happening. I am hoping she will get in contact.
I feel numb. He is downstairs and really doesnt care about me, so its time to move on.
Tommorow i am going to tell my Mum about what has been happening.
I know she will be upset,but i need to be with people that actually care about me.
I know it will be hard.
It IS hard thinking he will be with someone else, but i also feel sorry for whoever that is.
Thank you again, and i'll keep you posted.
XXX
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): please listen dear, He has many friends yes, and when they are around he is a different person, they would never guess what an awful person he is behind closed doors.People like your boyfriend, are miserable angry people, and underneath it all they are the ones with the low self esteem, so they feel the need to lower yours to make them feel better.he WILL NOT change, that is how he is. his past behaviour is a good indicator of his future behaviour, is that what you want?I believe that you want to be with someone who shows you love, who can let you know that you are special, who you can rely on and who you get excited by when you hear there key in the lock?you will not have that if you stay with this man.im sorry to hear about your mother, and i do hope she will make a full recovery, but us mothers are a funny lot, we sense when our children are not happy, im almost sure she knows anyway.your are 36 years old! at your prime, so what you have put on a bit of weight!! join the club theres millions of us in it. you can and you will meet someone else, but you have to take that leap of faith first. take your life back, show this man that he is unworthy of you, leave him alone. he may act like he doesnt care but believe me he will, because with his friends he is all act, cannot be his normal nasty self, he will be lonely not having you to show his true colours too.do not think that you are making him behave this way towards you, he makes his own choices and he chose to treat you that way. maybe you torture yourself with the thoughts of if you leave him he will meet someone else? and thats hard when you have feelings, but, maybe he will meet someone else, it will not last as he will gradually fall back to how he is with you, and again he will be alone. maybe if you stayed with your mother? that way you can be there for her, and also she there for you. seeing you happy and knowing that you are away from this man will do wonders for her.you can start to date again in time, there are lots of ways to meet men, alot of people use the internet, dating sites your friend for an occasional night out, and once you do meet someone you will look back to now and wonder why you stayed around.i have known men like him, let him go you are wasting your time.
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A
female
reader, Rose_red_09 +, writes (20 September 2009):
Yes - you really do need to leave, its actually painful reading how he treats you. As someone has said - even if you have to sleep on your mums floor until you sort yourself, then so be it.
In order for any man to respect you, you do indeed need to respect yourself so first step is to remove yourself from such an unhealthy relationship. If your best friend, sister or daughter was in the same situation, wouldn't you want them to get so much more out of life then you are getting......
Get yourself to a bookshop or library and go to the 'well being'section. Have a look for books that you can take away and read to motivate and support you.
Have a mantra everyday telling you that you are a good person and deserve to be treated with respect and love.
Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, catsanddogs315 +, writes (20 September 2009):
catsanddogs315 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your kind replies. He is back from wherever he went, and hasnt come upstairs to see how i am or anything. He has always said that if i annoy him he will ignore me for 24 hours from when i did it until i learn. The other thing is he has threatened to harm my Mum and my dog. He will not let me have my dog here at his house as he says he hates animals. I resent him more and more for this as my dog is my baby. I know i have been stupid for staying, but you are right, i do feel useless and like no-one will ever love me again, especially as i have put some weight on. He has so many friends and a really good job, no-one would ever think he does this, they would think it was all my fault. I have cried so much in the last few days, my eyes are stinging and puffy (really attractive)! I havent told my Mum any of what has been going on because she is recovering from cancer and i am worried that if i burden her it may not help her. I just want to be happy, and make her proud. I lost my job recently due to the recession and have no money, he makes me ask for it ad it makes me feel awful, i never want to ask for anything. But i still need to do shopping and have petrol etc. Earlier he said if i left, i better make sure its the right thing to do as he will never come after me. His ex wife left him i don't know why, but he tells everyone he made her leave. He has a real ego problem and has told me he thinks people are stupid and if the world thought like him it would be a better place. Yesterday i got out all the notes and cards that i have sent him over 3 years, there are over 100 of them! He keeps them which makes me feel he does feel something. Perhaps i do make him do this to me. I have tried to change but something always sets him off again. I don't want to be on my own, i'm 36 and feel so isolated. My friend keeps telling me to leave him, but i feel she won't want to know me as i have always left for a day or so and then gone back. He will ignore me all night now and tomorrow too. It feels so hurtful. The biggest mistake i made was telling me that hurts me. I wish i was strong.
Thank you again.
X
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): oh what a sad story, you really do need to get this man out of your life, he has no respect for you and does not love you. i know it is hard i have been there myself, but let me say this, my self esteem was at rock bottom, i stayed for far too long as i thought i would not find anybody else, i felt worthless, and underneath all that i convinced myself that he would one day realised that he loved me and things would change.
well they never change, things do not get better however much you want them too, you have the choice right now of living this life you have or walking away and beginning the life you want to have.
its the choice you have to make, misery or happiness, once you leave he most probably will come running with empty promises, do not believe him, turn and walk away, and i can promise you your self esteem will be recovered.
good luck and i can only hope you take this on board
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): You must leave him as soon as posible. Move in with your mom and sleep on the floor if you have to. Are you financially dependent on him? if you are, moving on with your life will be a bit more difficult in the begining but not imposible. About your mutual friends, you will know which ones of them are your true friends after you made this move. To answer your question, you will recover from all this battering but you need to believe in yourself. You also need to believe that you are worthy of true love and affection and that you will find this once you have liberated yourself from this tirant. Clearly, he does not love you. If he did he would not do to you what he does. If you don't leave him, he will kill you, so run for your life today!
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