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*indyCares
writes:DC community, please help me out in figuring this : why is it that lack of self esteem , at least in relationships, is such a pervasive FEMALE problem ? I mean, just look at the posts on DC and a huuuge quantity of them basically says the same: I am a smart, educated woman, I 've got a job , a social life etc.etc. , but I am with this bad guy and I can't leave him. He cheats on me, or he insults me , he mooches off me, he ignores me etc.etc . etc. but I can't leave him, I'd be lost without him, I'd DIE without him. Now, I know that what goes on DC is not necessarily what goes on IRL, for the simple reason that we only get posts from people who have a problem with something, those who don't have that problem ( and are the majority ) don't write. That's why just going by Dear Cupid one would think ,for instance,that all 14 y.o. girls try to get pregnant, and all relationships are conducted by text only. While, if one just gives a look around, finds that most 14 y.o. girls try to NOT get pregnant, and most people still date the old fashioned way, in person. BUT, I have seen it happening too much and too often myself, to not believe that there IS a problem with women and self esteem. Many women, all kind of women, smart , successful women, also women who have broken the glass ceiling ,and that are generally normal and functional ... let them latch to some variety of bad boy, and although most realize that they are getting short shrift, they have big,big trouble letting go and taking good care of themselves and their emotional needs. Just for the record, .. not that I am such a shining exception- I got older and wiser in time, but I too had stories in which I let myself just be kicked around ( metaphorically ), even while being generally a self confident, assertive and intelligent ( pardon the immodesty ) person who navigates the waters of life without too much trouble.I can't really say why - my SHRINK could not really tell me why ! So , what is it, in your opinion ? is it biological, is it cultural, is it our upbringing, ,... is it a jinx ?!
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (17 January 2014):
 I found this interesting article when I was trying to find the one that discussed how girls suddenly lose self-confidence at around the 5th grad mark. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-success/201101/the-trouble-bright-girls
Key point from the article: "Researchers have uncovered the reason for this difference in how difficulty is interpreted, and it is simply this: more often than not, bright girls believe that their abilities are innate and unchangeable, while bright boys believe that they can develop ability through effort and practice. "
It's an interesting idea, that what girls and boys hear over and over again, may influence the way they tackle problems in the future.
I soooo wish I had more time to participate in this really interesting discussion. Keep it going.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2014): I think at the end of the day Chi is right and I have to go back to my original point and how you're raised being the key factor, although your base personality comes into play too.
Self esteem can be affected by a lot of things, and even the strongest of us have our occasional doubts and we all have some insecurities. Coping mechanisms are the job of our parents to instil in us.
Everyone faces pressures. Male, female, gay, bi, trans, tall, short, old, young, atheist, religious; there are a myriad of external forces that constantly harangue us into being or behaving a certain way.
Parents can't cover every eventuality. A gay man or woman can't always rely on a parent who has never had gay friends or been exposed to it before to know how to cope with the situation they find themselves in.
But I do believe parents can teach kids the strength, confidence and belief in themselves to be able to deal with life in general but many don't step up to that.
They may teach a kid to wait until the green walking light before crossing the road but they very often let their kids learn about sex and relationships from their peers or the internet.
I mean porn is only really a problem for teens in families where parents haven't properly broached that kind of stuff and instead of stepping up they just demand that the government make useless net filters, demand that schools offer more but still watered down sex ed, demand that sexting be made a crime. Instead of actually raising their kids they're just demanding it be done for them then blaming everyone else when it goes wrong.
The most down to earth, confident and rational people I've ever met were taught all of life's most important values by their parents/guardians, including the students I teach (or they spent a long time going through some very tough times to find their way themselves). The best partners I've had including my wife have parents who are very hands on, open minded and some of them only had one parent, one even was raised by her aunt and had no parents.
They were people confident in themselves because they knew themselves and knew how to ignore outside influences and make their own decisions. they were taught the importance of being them, shown how loved and great they are already, and didn't need some kind of external validation.
Someone once said your parents are your first true love and in practical terms I think that's very true. If that relationship doesn't fill you with confidence and strength then you're at a huge disadvantage going into romantic ones. None of my sisters ever gave a damn about weight in any kind of serious way, none of them are too fond of make up unless it's for a certain occasion, they have a history of stable relationships and they're exposed to the exact same things every other girl is. Yet they had me and our mother tell them that stuff is all just minor nonsense not worth worrying about, and they don't. They can see why people are that way, but they can't understand it at the same time.
I think some parents have lost their way to be honest and are being allowed to be that way. We really are building up a society where people just can't be criticised anymore, can't be blamed for anything or it's "shaming". Parents are allowing their kids to become obese and still no one has the guts to criticise them even if it is a form of abuse as harmful as neglect.
As a teacher I firmly believe it's the parents who need to be educated more than the children these days. We're no longer talking about not being able to work a DVD player, these days we're talking about a whole new system of instant communication and dissemination of information which kids have access to but which parents aren't bothered to learn how to use. Kids are learning about relationships from the wrong sources and their parents have no idea how to counter that because they're too reliant on people like me to teach them those things, which frankly is not my job.
I can literally pick out the students who have parents who listen to them, talk to them and are hands on, just by 5 minutes watching the interact in class. They're the ones who aren't afraid to ask the "stupid" questions, they're the ones open to new ideas and concepts and they're generally the ones who either have "high school sweethearts" or are not reliant on fitting in to be comfortable with themselves.
I usually cut my classes short on Fridays to just chat with my students or let them start their homework. I find it very relaxing to go into the weekend on a light note, plus it makes me a better teacher to sit and listen to their views, what's important to them etc. You'd be amazed at some of the basic concepts these 17 and 18 year olds don't know or realize but how hugely thoughtful and intelligent most of them are when you treat them as equals and don't shy away from discussing tough topics with them. most of them didn't even know the whole tight gap craze is only a couple of years old and made up by pro-ana groups, alongside protruding ribs.
Unfortunately I'm very restricted with how far I can go discussing stuff, sex is a dirty, taboo subject as we all know. It's fine to give them the legal choice to do it, but to discuss it openly with them is wrong and inappropriate. The solution? Get the government to ban porn, pro-ana sites, or ban the sites that they use to interact where bullying occurs. Teenagers will mostly tell you themselves how to resolve things with them, just listen and talk, ban anything you want it won't solve the problem they'll just find another way. Unfortunately a lot of people don't want to go to all that effort of actually getting to know teens, which is a pity because regardless of how tough it can be for them most of them really are just lovely people looking for a bit of common sense guidance.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 January 2014):
 Oh, Cindy, didn't even realize this was your question before I saw you updated. Before I read on.. and even before I read your entire question (call me presumptuous if you want), I'm going to give you my answer:
It's the upbringing. Women are told to not be proud of themselves, told not to think they are any good, told they shouldn't think much of themselves.
It's all part in how women are treated differently from men. We're treated as less. Women who speak up are being shut down. I've seen it so many times, I'm not even going to bother argue those anti-feminists who thinks this doesn't happen. I happens. All the time. It happens so much, so frequently, that it's taken for granted.
How do I know? Because of my childhood and teenage years as being the outsider who didn't give a crap about what people thought. The opinions of other didn't colour my upbringing. And I have as much as just ONE time met a woman who was as proud of herself and as confident as I am. Only once.
My friend who goes against the current, she has been in several male dominated work places, and been dismissed over and over simply because as a woman, it is assumed she can't do the job. She once even told a police officer to shut the hell up and pushed him to the side, when he tried to tell her that she couldn't participate in the rescue team that SHE was the leader of. He didn't press charges after realizing that she was indeed competent enough for the job.
Now, I will read your follow-ups and maybe the entire question (but it was so long -pout-).
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2014): Careful ladies! Let's not get to close to male-bashing!
There's a bit of generalizing going on, but it's beginning to sound like these things are "characteristic" of gender; instead of a societal issue.
Let's remember, there are some of us who grew up of different a ethnicity. We are also subjected to prejudices that includes both genders. I was always raised to believe I have some control over what I feel about myself; in spite of the ugly names and stereotypes people create about those of us who are Native American and of other ethnic groups.
I won't start an anger campaign against the culprits because that's empowering them. If I allowed the ignorance to make me hate myself, I would never have reached the goals and achieve the things I have in my life. I can point fingers and place hateful blame, or I can overcome the obstacles. I choose to overcome the obstacles and defy the stereotypes. Be male hasn't offered me any particular advantages. I had to fight for every crumb I put on my plate. I'm surprised how racially bigoted people still are and how hostile some of the attitudes people still carry even though it is the 21st century.
On top of that, I'm gay. We can all list a host of things society has placed in our paths; or said or done to devalue us. I stand behind the fact that my brain decides what is true and what is not. How I feel about me and others.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 January 2014):
CindyCares is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks Tisha and the other ladies too.
yeah...the " skirts "... I think ONE big problem women are facing in building self esteem is the myriad of subtle , subliminal mesages they get which basically say " you aren't good enough, whole enough " ( ergo, you absolutely NEED a man beside you.) It's small things, maybe, but constant and persistent..
It's like the enormous social changes that have radically altered the women's position and gave them access to the work world, to higher education, to sexual freedom ,and to freedom and independence in every field of life in the last decades, have been noticed and accepted at a formal, functional level ( i.e. now women are not prevented from working outside the house, in fact they are encouraged... because a market economy needs manifacturers, consumers and spenders, not housewives ) but the change has not really sunk in, has not really entered the collective conscience.
For instance: I live in Italy, and things have changed dramatically in society, for better and/ or for worse .A woman in Milan does the same things and has the same challenges and advantages of a woman in, say, New York or Chicago . But....it's still absolutely normal to congratulate newlyweds with : Auguri e figli maschi ! ( Best wishes and MALE children ! )
Or worse, when talking about something that costed a lot of effort and in the end accomplished nothing : " Nottata persa e figlia femmina " = A whole night lost ( in labour pains ), and the baby was a girl ".
Now I am not saying that women get insecure because of old proverbs, of course. Just that there are hundreds of subtle ways to let her know that she can work like a man, earn like a man, fuck like a man....and still not be as good as a man .
It is true, though, as some responders have stressed out, that now it seems that young people are getting more and more insecure regardless of sex . I have seen on DC quite a few posts of young males who write " I feeel fat... I feel unattractive... girls do not look at me enough... I want to be desired and pursued.... " , what was traditionally " girlie " stuff. I don't know if this is a product of militant feminism as Cerberus says... but if it is, or if feminism has got soething to do with that, yeah well then feminism has screwed up, the road to equality consists in letting EVERYBODY feel good enough and worthy enough, not in making the other gender feel as crap as we feel !
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 January 2014):
I was just talking to someone today about a golf club she was considering joining. The "gentlemen" and I use the term with an extreme eye roll and bit of vomit in my mouth, the "gentlemen" there refer to the golf members who happen to be women as "skirts."
Prime tee times are not offered to the "skirts" presumably because they have a vagina and lack a penis, even though their wallets are considered "equal." As in, they pay for membership in this golf club.
And we wonder why women might feel like second class citizens. Hm.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2014): Nice question...one I've definitely thought about, but never articulated as well as you. Why are woman less likely to be confident? I think it's mostly cultural...gender roles imprinted, patriarchal society, a social history of servitude, commercialization of women's sexuality, blah, blah, blah, etc. None of the rational has every made me feel more confident.
One thing I really like about men is how they get along amongst themselves: They're not afraid to disagree...when they get in fights, they aren't paralyzed by it, they move on...and at the same time they don't seem to be afraid to be friendly and helpful to each other. Sometimes I think that the only reason there's such a thing as a "boy's club" is because they bothered to create one.
Women are completely capable of building the same type of power structures (and it's happened historically in some societies), but often I think it's because we see each as competitors and not allies. You can argue that perhaps the social norms have objectified us and pit us against each other...blah, blah, blah.
But sometimes I think we'd get a lot farther as a gender if we help each other out as much as men do...my two cents.
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reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (17 January 2014):
 I think both men and women suffer from self esteem issues, but women tend to express themselves more openly about it. Women are more comfortable talking about their feelings and insecurities. Men are emotional creatures too, and they feel the same sociological / psychological pressures that we do, but they are not as open or communicative about it. If anything, I think men suffer more, because most tend to suffer in silence.
Even the bad boy has self-esteem issues. Maybe the reason why a woman chooses to be with a bad boy is because he mirrors how broken she feels inside. They are both broken. Each feeling that they don't deserve to be loved. It is only when we learn the lesson of what love truly is, do we evolve past this type of relationship. This kind of wisdom will probably come with age and experience.
I really believe that all relationships (good, bad, ugly, beautiful) are about self-discovery. Every lesson learned is a strength gained. So a really bad relationship could make us feel stronger and better about ourselves in the long run, as long as the lesson is learned.
I also believe that life has a way of bringing us back to ground zero, so that we figure out what is truly important. We need to take the ego out of everything. Self-esteem should never be about ego.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 January 2014):
Cindy, I read this question and wanted to respond and just didn't have time today.
I think there is something that happens when girls hit puberty. There are so many bright girls who when they hit puberty and then face middle school and high school and all their self-confidence vanishes. It's like the rug has been pulled out from under them.
I don't know about you, but that whole transition from 'girl' to 'woman' is really kind of freaky. You start growing hair in funny places and then your freshly hairy genitals start to bleed, WITHOUT permission. You get pimples (spots) and are either teased because you are growing breasts or because you are not.
That's a really short intro to the unsettled phase that girls/women enter into and then I think there is an ingrained response to criticism.
Men, boys, males seem to handle it it by externalizing criticism' [Keep in mind I am writing sweeping generalizations.] If someone says to a boy, 'you were crap at practice today,' they respond with, 'eff you, you aren't any picture at practice either and you don't know what the hell you are talking about. I know I can do this and I will.'
If someone says to a girl, ' you were crap at practice today,' the girl will respond with 'omg, I can't believe I got found out, I'm not good enough, I hope I can do better, you are right, I was crap at practice today.'
Women as a rule internalize and accept criticism, men on the whole externalize and reject it.
I don't know why.
I wish I did.
I would give all those women who post here tolerating awful abusive treatment the gift of telling their detractors 'STFU.' I don't think I need to translate that but basically it's 'shut the hell up.' I give them the gift of a backbone, a spine, the confidence and competence to get rid of the abusive people in their lives.
I will try to write more later, this is a very interesting question and I want to add to the discussion.
So hang in there and don't STFU! xoxox
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 January 2014):
CindyCares is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks to the other responders too, I appreciate you taking the time to post well thought,in depth answers. I am going to go on a food-for-thought binge !
The observations about low self esteem as people problem, not just a women's problem are very interesting, I had not considered the question under this aspect, and while my personal perception is that for women is , or is made, way harder to believe in their own worth, yeah I guess that living with the high pressures and expectations that define who is "good enough " in Western culture and society, must not be such a fertile ground for self esteem for neither gender.
Oh btw - must be my browser ( I don't know exactly , I am a cybermoron ) but I am having troubles rating the answers. So, until I fix the problem, please all consider yourself highly rated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2014): person12345 has a point but the media is just an easy target. Even before there was such a thing as a "media" the onus was on women to look pretty to attract a mate.
Feminism has a lot do with it to be honest. Before feminism women had defined roles, as did men. I think insecurity comes from being unsure about that in a lot of ways, no one knows what they're supposed to do anymore. I'm not saying those gender roles were good or that things aren't better now because they are but like anything in life if you don't feel sure of how you're supposed to be and what you're supposed to do in certain circumstances then that'll breed insecurity.
Women these days have to fight the media and feminists, two extremes pulling two different ways. If you want to be a stay at home mom, who likes pink things and have no interest in work, you piss off feminists who view you as a pawn of the patriarchy, perpetuating damaging gender stereotypes. If you want to be a working mom and focus more on your career than your kids, you then have to battle societal norms which will constantly make you feel like a bad mother.
person12345 is right though. Men are portrayed as a woman's solution to everything, in everything from childhood upwards.
Disney's Damsel in Distress, solution? Men. Every song a female pop artist writes is about love and men. What's the most popular genre in movies, TV and books, that's right, romance and men. What has been the latest victory for feminists in the UK? That's right, getting a romance novelist onto their currency. Continuing to perpetuate the idea that romance and men are women's greatest achievements, not engineering, science. Romance.
You see even feminists are completely focussed on men, only they're the opposite side of the scale and view us an enemy. But they still live their life by what men do.
Boys are raised to think being an astronaut is cool, being a scientist, a warrior, a soldier, an artist, a musician and that women are a nice toy to play with too but are not the sole purpose of our lives. That too is changing though.
You may have noticed we get a lot more boys asking the stuff these days that usually only girls worried about. It's weird, but my wife puts a very good case forward about that being a result of feminism. Most feminist causes don't focus on the betterment of women, they focus on dumping women's issues onto men and creating equilibrium that way. They want men to be criticised just as viciously for their appearance because apparently "fairness" is more important that truly solving the problem. They want men to worry about their hair, be overly sensitive and become obsessed with appearance too.
I think personally though upbringing has the biggest effect on why anyone would feel insecure in a relationship. All three of my sisters are very confident and solid women, my mother is one of those furiously protective, take no shit type of women and of course they had the brutally honest, viciously sarcastic older brother I am so they grew up knowing how to face the world from a position of security and confidence. We're basically the type of family that when one of us tripped over and grazed our knee we'd all laugh our asses off and even the one who did fall would think it's funny. I just don't know where people got this idea that weakness is a virtue. I think they went from trying to convince people weakness is not a bad thing, to too far over in the opposite direction and actually promote being weak as a strength.
People are being raised to be overly sensitive about everything, finding offence in everything even if it doesn't affect them personally. Everything. You can't tell a person they need to lose weight being a prick, more and more words are added to "offensive" lists every day. People are being raised to believe that their right to feel offended and have every tiny, useless little emotion pandered to, justifies overriding all logic and reason. Again my wife thanks feminism for that. Feminism is huge culture of pettiness and petty attacks. Any criticism against a woman for anything, no matter how constructive is painted as abuse by feminists. Every little thing can be twisted and attacked and is. Every newspaper has a feminist blogger or journalist whose job it is to find fault in everything and to make it up if it doesn't exist.
So yeah I can see why girls can be very secure. They're raised by a society that says men are gods, they're told by other women that men are actually an enemy, not a god. They're raised by parents who themselves are insecure because they too face opposing pressures on how to be a parent, they often have to teach their kids to be sensitive to everything because everything can be a contentious issue these days. They're told they have to look pretty, but then told they're fools if they do that. If they're thin, they're "too skinny", if they're fat they're "ugly" or patronised by feminists and called "beautiful". If they wear fake tan, they're tramps, if they don;' they're pale freaks. Women can't win, and feminists are only making it worse then by trying to impose that kind of fucked up value system onto boys too.
I'm just glad I'm a man raised in a family that always thought me to just be a good person and be proud of myself, while questioning everything and making my own choices, in a life that's too short to be taken so seriously you just spend all your time upset.
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reader, BrownWolf +, writes (16 January 2014):
 All bad feeling about yourself starts one place...the mind. If you start telling yourself you are Crap, then you start to believe it. When you believe it, then it is very hard to get rid of it.Example how the mind works….I saw my friend trying to beat the life out of some other guy. I ran over and ask what happen. My friend said the other guy had called his mother a whore. I said” So why are you getting upset?” He looked at me in shock and said “What the F**K do you mean why I am getting upset?” I said “Is your mother a whore? (I know his mother).” He yelled “NO!!” So I asked again “Why are you getting upset?”His mind saw the comment as the worst insult, and the right judgment call went out the window. Same thing happens when we hear negative things. We throw good sensible judgment out the window and believe the insult as being true. “You’re fat!!!” “Yes I am. Thank you for letting me know. I can lose weight…What you just said was stupid, how are you going to lose that?”Where does sexy come from? The mind or body? Many women believe if she has a nice tone body then she is sexy. You can have the best body in the world and still be insecure...why? How we think. I have seen many women with great bodies but they don't know how to be sexy. What your mind thinks, your body follows. If you think of sexual stuff you get turned on, and your body reacts. It's not the other way around. Put someone in a dark room, and their mind think up all kinds of scary things that is going to happen. By the time they come out, they are close to having a heart attack, all because of how we think. The funny thing is…we call the problems in our life “Sh*T”. We go to the washroom and we flush sh*t away. But for some reason we don’t flush away the sh*t in our lives. Why keep it? When bad things come to you, positive things should come from you.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 January 2014):
CindyCares is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much Sage, Person and female reader.
Oh I knew that mine was a "meaty " question with no simple ,short answer, I just counted on some Dear Cupider to come up with possibly interesting insights , and I was not disappointed ,I've got my food for thought.
Although..particularly in ref. to person1234 's answer : what you say about women being taught to believe that the only thing that counts, or the MAIN thing at least that counts for a woman , is to be physically attractive, that's undeniably true, ( and, in my personal case, so shockingly true that often I wonder how come I have managed, with the messages I was getting growing up in my family and social environment, a) to accomplish something more than just shaving my legs and monitoring my weight b) to become an imperfect but reasonably sane of mind adult ) - but there must be something more, something different at play...
Otherwise if it were only because of "the myth of beauty " the problem would hit only women that are not so attractive ( by the standards of their time and media ). But even very attractive women ,movie stars, rocks stars and such , who would have plenty of choices get stuck in bad relationships ! Depressing, isn't it ?
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (16 January 2014):
 I think it is a little bit of everything.
Western ideology dictates that women should be beautiful, attentive childbearing partners to strong masterful males...we all aspire to that at some point, even if it is a momentary thought...but...
Life just isnt like that. Other cultures get different results but the woman is always submissive to the male.
We can push the glass ceiling, we can raise children alone, we can weigh 300lbs, we can cross dress, love the same sex, climb mountains etc............
But the ideology remains the same. Pick up any magazine or switch on the TV... perfect women, perfect men, perfect lives...all fuel to make us feel not good enough!...all driven by fear.
I like to think that sometime in the future we will have evolved enough to eradicate the word 'perfection' and 'equality' from our volcabulary because at the point of birth and death we are all equal and in our own creation we are perfection...once cultural, societal and media influences touch us...we are fucked!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2014): You are a mature woman, so you've seen about as much as I have in life.
Society and many cultures have placed women in a position of servitude; or at the disposal of men through the ages. Old habits are hard to break. Many of the stereotypes and cultural misgivings are passed down to women from their own mothers. Preparing them on how to survive among men, and how to get a man.
Don't forget how you treat each other.
There are the extreme feminists who preach man-hating. They are really not fair examples of truly free and emancipated women. They are bitter and cynical; and formed prejudices in retaliation. It proves nothing and changes nothing.
Self-esteem is self-made. It doesn't require approval or acceptance from other people. It is formed out of self-love.
Yes, there are outside influences that can effect our behavior; and other environmental factors that contribute to the lowering of ones self-confidence and self-esteem. However; that doesn't explain why all women, or all people, aren't affected in the same way. If not at all.
Individually, we grow up and form our own opinions.
If we chose to believe we're ugly and inferior to other people; that is self-perception. You are in charge of your own brain, and what it chooses to accept. Unless you are mentally disabled. Then you aren't accountable for many of your mental shortcomings. Even they are strong enough to fight to function; and survive in spite of being mentally or psychologically-challenged. It is a matter of will.
Belief in yourself and facing the challenge.
If a girl is told over and over that she is ugly by other girls; she is more inclined to listen to them than boys.
She then will forever compare her appearance to that of other women for the rest of her life; because she allowed herself to be conditioned to believe what other people see and say is more important. Her self-worth hinges on the opinions of other people; and she discounts or dismisses her own opinions. Even when she looks in the mirror and it isn't true, she forces herself to believe it is. Many people place themselves completely at the mercy of public opinion. Men and women both.
People sometimes "choose" to drag grudges and old painful memories around to rule their lives ever-after. We have the ability to cast off bad memories and purge them. We don't have to wear them like a lock and chain around our necks for a life-time. Why do people so easily forget the compliments and blessings they receive? They choose to!
If a girl's own parents never gave her positive reinforcement and taught her how to put up with the taunts, she will never develop the thicker skin or immunity. If she is inclined to hate herself; even positive reinforcement from her parents will not work. She decides how she feels, against all efforts.
Boys are taught to be tough. To fight back when teased. Girls aren't, unless raised in a ghetto environment;and then taught to be too aggressive. Over-compensating under the false belief that everyone is a potential enemy, and out to do them harm.
They don't know when to turn it off, and develop a belief
that she is always vulnerable to attack, and should always be on her guard. Her natural instincts also kick in, and she feels she must seem unapproachable in order to feel safe. She is often despised by other girls, and avoided by boys. She takes that to be about her looks; not realizing it's her own attitude that isolates her from other people.
Peer pressure has more influence on how women feel about themselves than any other influence they'll ever encounter anytime in their lives. Other young people their age, will make an impact on how they feel about themselves from puberty on. Blame media and TV, but then you got to look back in times before this all existed. Same crap.
Teens are their own worst enemies. They destroy each other during a very critical time in their physical and psychological development. Between childhood and adulthood. They know how to penetrate each others psyche and tear each other down. They attack in packs, and don't stop until the victim is rendered totally helpless and defenseless. The cruelty is merciless,and public humiliation is the objective.
Girls are the most vulnerable.
She'd rather believe the bad, then the good. That's self-hatred. Many minorities do exactly the same. They hate their darker-skin, thick lips, kinky hair, curly hair, slanted eyes, and other traits that they may have been told by another group to be unattractive, or UN-European.
Self-esteem is about how you feel about yourself. You look in the mirror and the image you see is you. So, can anyone explain why one could be so hateful of what nature gives you? How you can feel inferior; because you don't have the same beauty traits as someone who doesn't know you even exist? Why anyone spends a lifetime in shame of what they look and shape like? Why is it so easy to let yourself believe bad things about yourself, when you know yourself better than anyone?
We offer these people too much pity. They punish themselves for how they look, and scorn nature. They value superficial attractiveness above anything else. Why is it so hard to change their minds about it? To convince them it isn't true?
They refuse to see the truth, and wrap themselves up in lies and self-deception. Why do ugly fat balding men still flirt with beautiful women? Because he believes his charm will compensate for his lack of good-looks. He conditioned himself over time to believe that there are physical things he can't change, or he doesn't want to change; but he hopes his charm and personality will hide all his physical flaws.
He's wrong in most cases; but it's how he has learned to survive in spite of it. For the most part, women use makeup and hairdos to compensate for flaws. The part that really works, is that they are satisfied with the fact that they did something about it. They adorned and enhanced their best physical traits. They also realize some natural traits are a blessing; and refuse to artificially conceal or enhance them.
Then their confidence builds the self-esteem, and they no longer really care about criticism. They feel at their best,and they appreciate themselves for who they are. They praise nature for being kind and generous. That's a healthier attitude. They recognize their beauty from within.
You mention it as a pervasive problem for women. That's because you may identify; because you are a woman. If you read these posts, it is pervasive in humanity. People are losing the ability to appreciate their own qualities; and allow public opinion and peer pressure to destroy how they feel about themselves. They hide behind devices, evade making personal contact, and can't carry on a five-minute conversation with another person.
They use computers and smartphones to do the simplest tasks and then wonder why it is so difficult to keep another person's attention. Folks allow themselves to become hermits, and then wonder how to get a date. They have anxiety attacks over the least little provocation, and end up on medication; because they refuse to believe they can deal with things on their own. They blow things completely out of proportion; and whimp out at the most critical times, when they should show power and fortitude. They aren't taught to believe in themselves from childhood.
They aren't taught to love themselves first, to be loveable.
They forget sticks and stones can break your bones; but words really can't hurt you. Unless they are posted on Facebook for the world to see, and instigated by a bully with a following. Even then, you hold you head up high.
There are haters in this world, and we don't submit to them, or empower them.
People make babies, but they don't teach them how to be people.
Men have to look hot, be strong, not cry, have a big penis, earn a lot of money, have a full head of hair, and get an erection that lasts until a woman gets her orgasm. They are supposed to be fearless, heterosexual, capable of making babies, and remain virile well into his older years; or he is tossed out as useless.
He must constantly prove to women that he isn't like all the others, that he can love and feel; and be a good father. He does want commitment; but he doesn't like being rushed into decisions that will change his life forever. He does have a right to drag his feet, it's his life.
He has to make excuses for being weak, he has to make excuses for being too strong. He has to pretend he likes what he doesn't, to keep the peace. He has to prove to other men that his words are important. He has to prove to women, that they are sometimes wrong, and he is sometimes right. If he is a minority, he has to prove he is a man; not a beast or lower primate.
If you don't like your body, why is it his fault? Yes,you do look fat in that dress. Why is it my fault? Why did you ask if you didn't want an honest answer? No, men are not crazy, we actually can control what we do with our penises.
We are also ashamed of our fat butts, man-boobs, and bald heads. We do feel embarrassed when we couldn't open the pickle jar, and your mother could. We do feel useless, when age decides to take away his ability to maintain an erection. Then he has to explain it to his disappointed partner, to his shame and embarrassment.
Yes, our feelings are vulnerable to emasculating critical bitchy females; who sit in a group, and attack every male who looks their direction. Figuring they're punishing our gender for what they think is our common flaws. Never-mind
how nasty their own dispositions are. Expecting to be treated like a queen and a prize; when they behave like jackals.
Women have their problems, and we have ours too!
Lack of self-esteem is a people-problem. It all depends from what perspective you-re looking at it. It is how people treat each other within a society; that has a lot to do with how you feel about yourself.
Cruelty and indifference is exulted over manners and goodwill. So whatever is accepted as the norm, rules. It has to show a negative effect somewhere. The least of the strong feel the weight.
Take heart, the meek shall inherit the earth. So, it's just a matter of time.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 January 2014):
 Cindy: Lots of "question".... and who knows the answer(s)?
However, I will offer an opinion, based upon this question: "Why is it that women will endure so much poor- or mis-treatment in order to be in a "relationship" or to spawn children?"
I think that a great part of the answer is found in "the media." We are all bombarded with images and sound of sex, clothing, alcohol, socializing, travelling, playing and the like... and - if one isn't discriminating - they might think that THAT (the advertisement or commercial) actually IS what "real life" is about.
Now, many/most of us know that.... BUT... there are many people who do not exhibit that discrimination... and they fall prey to those depictions of "life" that they see in the media.... and pursue their version of it. The media version of a relationship does not include the economic struggle, the dirty diapers, or mistreatment, abuse and lack of respect - one partner for the other - so those who are/become immersed in the media "reality" are not on-guard for the unpleasant aspects of life. AND, when faced with those unpleasantries, they: 1.) don't know what they're seeing and/or 2.) don't know how to react to these conditions (which they never saw or experienced in their cacoon).
As well, and considering what I've said, above, that "means" that many young people get only their home-life and upbringing for examples. Consequently, they repeat the mistakes that their parents have made... and we (Aunts and Uncles) hear from them when they awaken to the fact that their "upbringing" life was NOT all that great... and may have been seriously dysfunctional... and NOW they are "in it" (an unplesant and/or toxic life or relationship)...
This is a very deep question... without simple answers... but everybody can benefit from questioning if the all-pervasive "media" is helping - or hindering - their life growth...
Thanks for asking. Hope this was a beneficial contribution.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (16 January 2014):
 You're asking about a LOT of really, really complicated questions. These are problems feminists have been working on for decades. I will try to summarize.
Basically women are brought up in a society where just about everything in the media is about looking hot and getting a man. Ads for men use hot women, ads for women use hot women, and even ads for kids use attractive happy housewife types. Women are essentially taught that the only value that matters is attractiveness. Yes they can be smart, funny, successful, but that if they're not hot, it doesn't matter. So that's where a lot of that body and appearance insecurity comes from...
For staying with crap men, well like I said, women are taught that their value is in their attractiveness. I.e. their ability to get a man. So that means a lot of women feel like they aren't as valuable if they don't have a man in their lives. That it's better to be in a crappy relationship than to not be in a relationship at all.
Obviously this is a lot of generalizations, but you basically asked what an entire academic field is so that's the only way to fit it in a few paragraphs!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2014): I think society has a big part to play in this in 2 ways. Firstly, the amount of pressure that is applied to women to look and be perfect, otherwise she is deemed unworthy, there are a notable number of women that became famous whilst being curvy & have been pressured into loosing a lot of weight, no matter how strong or intelligent they were. This shows how susceptible women are to Criticism (perhaps because we are more emotional than men). Secondly, our society, even today is far from equal when it comes to gender, & some men do look down on women, have a lack of respect for them & even hate women. I think I read somewhere that women are almost automatically programmed to listen to men but not the other way round, I think this subconsciously instills the thought that 'I am not equal to you, therefore I am lucky to have you'. Also, I think it has something to do with how emotional women are in general, most men in a troubled relationship follow their head (maybe its easier for them to switch off their emotions) whereas quite a few women will follow their hearts.
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