A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half - we talk of marriage and babies and make future plans. I even had a pregnancy scare and he reassured me by saying that (while it wasn't the best time) we would be fine if we had a baby and he even enjoyed the thought of it. We have had a few problems, I got into a relationship with him quite soon after ending a 7 year relationship with my controlling and mentally abusive ex. My esteem had been shot. My current boyfriend was patient and treated me very well. This led to me being suspicious as to why he was so nice to me. I started spying on his phone and internet activity and being controlling of him. I couldn't let myself trust him and I accused him of having feelings for his ex. Etc etc! Eventually he went out one night after a big fight and kissed another girl. Took her number, however since then (3 month on) our relationship is much better. He tells me he loves me everyday! Through counselling the past year I am just about overcoming my suspicious nature. Has this happened to anyone? Become stronger after a cheating episode? He tells me I won't have to wait long for a marriage proposal, says he even knows how he'd do it! But I can't see anything of the sort happening for at least one year. Is that 'soon' in man terms??Also do I generally need to worry if he looks up his exes on facebook one a week/2 weeks? Thanks in advance
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2014): I'm not really speaking from personal experience but it does seem to me that a crisis event can sometimes prompt people to take proper action in dealing with their problems rather than denying them. Not everyone of course but you do hear stories of people who've managed to change their lifestyles and age-old habits when faced with actual reality rather than just a "potential reality"I've certainly met people who've lost weight, given up smoking and started excercising but only after they've had their first heart attack or stroke.There are people who only manage to kick their alcohol or drug habits or leave abusive partners until after their kids are taken into care.You speak about counselling - maybe the event was what spurred you on to seek help to get help with the legacy of insecurity and anxiety that you ex had left you with.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2014): Sorry for the double post didn't realize I'd posted but the higher one has more detail.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2014): I haven't experienced it myself, I have a no cheating, no comebacks policy in that regard and luckily no one's crossed that line with me (that I know of).
I have however made plenty of big mistakes in relationships, potential deal breakers and sometimes you only realise what you have when you come right to edge of losing it, and yeah that can make a relationship stronger as you view it in a way you didn't before and you don't take it for granted.
OP if you've decided to forgive, then let go of the exs on Facebook thing. Sounds to me like you're snooping, let that go. Online usage is a shite indicator of behaviour, I looked up an ex on it the other day she's gotten engaged and I wanted to see the ring, it was actually pretty nice, not expensive but a classy ring. Another of my exs had a child a few months back so I checked that out too, it's actually a really ugly baby too. I know it sounds bad but all babies are supposed to be generic looking and "cute" in that way, but hers is actually quite ugly, anyway my point is it's a bad indicator.
Stop snooping, if you're looking for trouble you'll find it even if it doesn't exist.
As for marriage proposal, "soon" can mean any time. Time flies in relationships. Before you know it, it's summer and before you even realize that's over it's nearly xmas. Just keep focusing on making things better and try to stop snooping and worrying.
OP do take care, try not to worry but don't go other way either and become a blind fool. All his talk about a future could just be him making more effort to please you after what he did.
Look at this way OP, it might never happen good or bad, just try and enjoy this. Deal with whatever happens if/when it does and don't live your live in constant fear.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2014): I haven't experienced it myself, I have a no cheating, no comebacks policy in that regard and luckily no one's crossed that line with me (that I know of).
I have however made plenty of big mistakes in relationships, potential deal breakers and sometimes you only realise what you have you come right to edge of losing it, and yeah that can make a relationship stronger as you view it in a way you didn't before and you don't take it for granted.
OP if you've decided to forgive, then let go of the exs on Facebook thing. Sounds to me like you're snooping, let that go. Online usage is a shite indicator of behaviour, I looked up an ex on it the other day she's gotten engaged and I wanted to see the ring, it was actually pretty nice, not expensive but a classy ring. Another of my exs had a child a few months back so I checked that out too, it's actually a really ugly baby too. I know it sounds bad but all babies are supposed to be generic looking and "cute" in that way, but hers is actually quite ugly, anyway my point is it's a bad indicator.
Stop snooping, if you're looking for trouble you find it even if it doesn't exist.
As for marriage proposal, "soon" can mean any time. Time flies in relationships. before you know it, it's summer and before you even realize that's over it's nearly xmas. Just keep focusing on making things better and try to stop snooping and worrying.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2014): Hi CMMP, can you expand on that? Like did you realise more things after cheating on someone or after being cheated on by someone? Were they good or bad? Thanks for the advice everyone. I really genuinely feel that my boyfriend is sorry for what he did. But I also know that my actions were just as bad. We have had long and thorough discussions and we are both much happier with the direction it is going. We spoke of timelines before, and have similar views on not spending a fortune on weddings etc. we are both highly self aware - and we are also best friends.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (16 January 2014):
I've had this happen... It can make you realize things that you didn't notice before.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2014): You have got to relax.
It doesn't matter if anyone else's relationship has gotten stronger. The question is, has yours?
If it has, then great. Stop looking for problems and just enjoy it.
If you really really want marriage just say it's great that you are thinking about the future and mention a deadline that you want to be married by the age of X. Tell him you'll feel like the relationship is not going anywhere if he hasn't proposed by then and you'll have to question whether he's prepared to put his money where his mouth is.
And then relax.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 January 2014):
 I think you've described a "relationship" which is fine for your "boyfriend"... and a substantial compromise for you..... He's still contacting "ex-".... still keeps trolling for who-knows-who-else.... and you are prepared to give him a "pass" for his boorish behaviour.... while, meantime, he keeps you on the hook with vague claims that he's going to pop "the question" to you, sometime, "soon."
Why wait for "the question?" Instead, tell him that you've decided that he's really not "husband" material for you... and go find someone more in keeping with who you'd LIKE to have as a partner/husband.
Good luck...
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