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female
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anonymous
writes: Hello, Bev, your advice would be much appreciated on this and anyone else who would care to help.I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now & i love him so much & he loves me back. He tells me all the time & says he would love it if we could live together & marry me in time. I really truly dont know what I'd do if i lost him,the thought of it scares me.This is where my problem starts. Even though i trust him,theres always this niggling thought at the back of my mind that one day it'll all go wrong & I'll be left without him. I've been hurt & let down badly before & it took me a long time to get over that.So, I get moody & snappy because sometimes when i look at him it takes over my mind. This gets him annoyed & it upsets him but I always say sorry quite quickly because i realise what im doing. But, then this has a knock on effect & i feel even more paranoid he's going to leave me or go off me because of my silly moods. I'm having to keep all this bottled up & it's really starting to get me down.I'd just like any advice on how to get out of this vicious circle & why im behaving so strangely to the person i love & cherish the most & deepest in the world.Thankyou Reply to this Question
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reader, NordicBeauty +, writes (6 July 2005):
Bev's advice to you ROCKS...she hit the nail on the head !I read your story & conclude that you & your boyfriend truly do love each other, so now it's time to work on some of your past insecurities & be healed.If your fears & moody episodes accelerate, then you will CAUSE what you are trying to PREVENT.Ask yourself this question."Do I deserve to be loved?"If your answer if yes, then ACT accordingly.You don't need to do cartwheels for your boyfriend or act like a puppy on a leash...he is attracted to that confident beautiful Goddess he fell in love with.When you feel yourself becoming "paranoid or moody" take a short break & go to the washroom..close the door, sit on the toilet & "breathe deeply"...slow cleansing breaths.As you breathe in, say to yourself, "I am worthy of love"As you breathe out, say to yourself, "I am healed from my past wounds."Then stand up & "shake off the fear of losing him."Tell yourself that you accept his affection...celebrate it...embrace it !Allow your heart to be filled with the joy of knowing you love each other & you are going to be together for a long long time.Now relax...freshen your makeup, apply a bit of perfume and go unleash your magic on your man !
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reader, becky05 +, writes (5 July 2005):
I often used to feel like this about my boyfriend (and occasionally still do) you need to believe what he says , that he loves you and hes in it for the long haul. Just because hes mentioned marriage doesnt mean he meant straight away. Take the time to talk to him again about how you feel and explain that this is why you are sometimes snappy, I did this with my boyfriend and now we find it easier to talk about our feelings and get on better than before and also I dont spend all day stressing that hes going to leave me!!!
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (5 July 2005):
 You might be getting frightened of the idea of his leaving you because you're associating your value as a person, as a woman, as a lover with his love for you. If he leaves you (so your internal reasoning goes), then you're not a good person, you're a worthless woman, you're a total loss as a lover, right?
Wrong.
You write that you "don't know what (you'd) do" if you lost him, but I can tell you what you'd do. You'd be sad and disappointed and heartbroken for a while, then eventually you'd carry on. Remember when your other relationship broke down? It was awful, yes. It hurt, yes. But then you took a deep breath, started dating again, and met your current love, right?
So, in fact, what you'd do if you broke up with him is the same as you did last time: you'd deal with it if it happened. (That's different from saying you want it to happen.) You don't have to worry about it, because you've already demonstrated that you'll survive.
The reason you're getting so frightened of the idea is that you're letting it take over your thoughts, you're hiding from it and you're not facing it rationally. So face it and think it through.
Repeat after me: "If Dave left me..." ...what? You have to fill in the blanks, and more importantly you have to think about what you'd do AFTER whatever is in the blanks.
Say that one of your answers is "I'd die of loneliness". Well, first of all, that's rubbish. You wouldn't die. You'd be sad, lonely, angry, jealous, all of the above...whatever. But you need to think of the solution to that statement, which might be "I'd be sad and lonely, so I'd go and talk to my sister about it, since she's been through a divorce and knows what it's like." Or "...I'd take my mind off it by taking that night course in Hindi, so I can get the promotion I wanted at work." Or even "...I'd have meaningless sex with that hottie in sales, just to get it out of my system."
The point is, you need to think beyond your worry that you "don't know what you'd do" and prove to yourself that you would indeed survive a break up. Then it won't loom so large and frighten you so much.
Think about it in this way: when you were a kid, if you were afraid of something - say, dogs - you didn't build yourself a life where you never had to see or hear another dog as long as you lived. You HAVE to deal with dogs, so you learn to. You do it in small steps. A friend gives you a puppy to pat, you hear the novelty dogs-barking "Jingle Bells" on the radio every Christmas, you watch someone throwing a frisbee for a dog on the beach and smile. Eventually you get used to dogs, even though - potentially - they can hurt you. See? Small steps.
Now you just need to translate that into accepting that hurt and disappointment are unavoidable in life, especially in relationships. However, the bad experiences can lead to good ones, like your earlier break-up leading to your current boyfriend.
So make small steps in admitting what your fears are, then address them one by one in your mind. You'll get over the weird moodiness when you realise that it's not the end of the world if your relationship doesn't work out. It doesn't mean that you're worthless if that happens.
You also need to accept that your boyfriend loves you. Take him at face value, and when he tells you, practice saying "I know you do. I love you too!"
And just one small postscript: don't put your boyfriend on too high a pedestal, OK? If you do, it's a long way down if he falls off! I know you love him and I'll bet he's a sweetie, but remember that he has faults just like you do. You don't have to worship him! And your value as a person is independant of him!
Hope this helps a little. :)
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reader, Matt,20 +, writes (5 July 2005):
Hi Sweet Heart,Well, Im not Bev but surely would like to give a hint,I feel the same way as you, towards my girlfriend, I feel and do the same things as you do, but I realize one thing, That I truly love her, as you and I know very well, you are in love with this person, but because sometimes we want this person so so much, we feel that we will lose it or we start thinking because we want it so much, it's part or love. There must be actions given by your man that makes you think this way, for example, with me is this, whenever I see my girlfriend textin someone, I automatically think she is textin another man, and that makes me think I will lose her, but I'm completely wrong.My Advice on your situation is, stop thinking you will lose him, rather think how you can show your love to him in everyway possible that he will remember eachday!God Bless,Wish You All the Very very best!Matt,20.
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