A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Imagine a situation:An average-looking guy meets a girl that suffers from some light physical handicap (that also includes some dis-figuration like a scar on her face).Supposedly, the girl does not get any attention from other guys because of her handicap. She feels alone and sad.The average-looking guy has moderate or little success with women and decides to make a move and ask her out (it doesn’t matter if it’s because he does that out of pity, because he finds her to be sympathetic or simply because he considers that he has at least some chances of hooking up with her).They end up together.Now the questions:1) Does the guy really love the girl? If he was better-looking, would he have even bothered with her? If he was more successful with other women, he probably would have totally ignored her.2) Does the girl really love the guy? Hadn’t she had a handicap, she would probably be more attractive to other guys? Without this handicap, would she even give a chance to the average-looking guy? So is this true love? Does love also mean to compromise with one’s situation and “settle” for what is realistically achievable?3) If the relationship is a compromise solution for the 2 of them because they cannot find anybody better, then what are the odds of that couple lasting for a long time?No, this is not a real-life situation. I saw a girl with a big burn scar on her face in the street and I came up with all these questions myself (I am quite philosophical, lol). She looked kind of sad and I found it to be a shame as she would have been cute without her scar. I started wondering if she was doomed to a life of loneliness and if her only option was to settle with the first guy that asks her out. I then thought that some people don’t have it easy in life (of course, there are much worse situations) and simply don’t get as many choices as other do.Thanks in advance for your thought! :) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 September 2013):
 You see a woman with a sad look on her face and you ASSUME she is sad and feels alone.
You then talk about an average man with little success in the dating world. I guess you assume his lack of success is based on his looks, when we as women know it’s based on his personality more than anything.
Maybe the sad looking lady was thinking about something and didn’t have the time to put a smile on her face.
Perhaps she was burned as a very young child and the scar is so ingrained as part of her that she does not see it nor does she see herself as disabled or disfigured.
Blind people marry all the time. Out of love not pity or settling.
There is a guy who has no arms or legs and he’s married with a baby… married out of love not obligation… his name is Nick Vujicic and he was born without arms and legs… he swims. He golfs. He has a life and does not see himself as disabled.
WHAT would you think of HIM if you saw him sitting in his chair looking sad? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nick_Vujicic
IF you don’t find obese women attractive but other men do, does that mean that they don’t have as many choices as you because YOU deem them unattractive?
Maybe the first date was “out of kindness” let’s give you the benefit of the doubt on this one.
MORE than likely it was because she’s cute, he can see past the scar and maybe her brain interests him…. So for whatever reason, average looking Joe with the lousy personality goes out with girl with the scar.
Truth be told given your scenario this hypothetical (because rhetorical means you don’t want an answer) scenario would not get past date one because she would realize he was a patronizing buffoon.
Let’s try it a different way….
Man with personality and average looks meets a woman with a facial disfigurement that is noticeable no matter what. They date and after a decent period of time and proper dating rituals, they “end up together”.
So now your questions.
“does the guy really love the girl?”
Well he did not love her when he asked her out… no one loves someone on the first date… did he grow to love her over time, only they know. But I have to tell you… my grandmother told me there was a cover for every pot. Now I have pots in my house that SHARE covers with other pots so I know that my lid is not MY ONE and ONLY lid… but for right now the cover that covers my pot fits JUST fine. YOU won’t love me. I’m old. I’m not beautiful or rich. And I carry a ton of emotional baggage but as I like to say “my broken fits my husband’s crazy” and vice versa.
IF he was better looking would he have bothered with her? Maybe. Maybe he thinks he’s ugly. Maybe his mother is in a wheelchair or his father is missing an arm… MAYBE if you don’t JUDGE people JUST BY HOW THEY LOOK.. this would not be so hard for you.
Check this out:
http://dailycaller.com/2012/11/15/out-of-their-league-20-high-profile-ugly-men-who-scored-exponentially-hotter-women/seen-around-lincoln-center-day-7-spring-2013-mercedes-benz-fashion-week/
2. Does the girl love the guy? MAYBE. Is he kind? Is he loving? Is he generous? Is he funny and smart? I love my husband. He’s not tall. He wears his hair too short, he wears glasses and has bad teeth. I’m sure folks go “she’ older and more attractive and has a better personality what COULD she see in him?”
WHY do LOOKS play such a key critical role in your determining who is happy together?
3. If the relationship is a compromise solution for the 2 of them because they cannot find anybody better, then what are the odds of that couple lasting for a long time?
Now on this one I can tell you that it will depend. On several things. First of all EVERYONE settles in some way or another. It may be small. I want to live in Florida when I retire my husband does not. I will compromise (settle) and live where he wants and take LONG vacations once I retire.
BUT I will tell you that at a time when marriages were business deals and marriages of convenience (including say GEORGE WASHINGTON and Martha Dandridge Custis) most often they knew they were “stuck” with one another and love grew and they did not divorce. I just married my fourth husband (sad I know) BUT the truth of the matter is I KNOW he is my last. Yes I love him. BUT yes I settled and NO it’s far from perfect and I married him knowing that NO MATTER WHAT we were in for the long haul. There are days I love him so much I can’t stand it and there are days I wish he would not come home… BUT no matter how mad I get at him I’m committed to being with him and would not leave and he feels the same about me.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (3 September 2013):
Just about everybody settles to some extent. My wife isn't my absolute perfect woman, but I love her very much.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (3 September 2013):
 I think you mean hypothetical rather than rhetorical but anyway, it wouldn't be true love if they were together out of (his) pity or (her) desperation. They might fall in love later and that would he a different story, but otherwise, no.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 September 2013):
 It obviously would not be love, because it would come , on either side, not from a place of love but from a place of fear and need- the " need " for being socially accepted, part of a couple " like everybody else ", for having someone beside you, even someone you are not much interested it as long as you don't have to be on your own, because you don't have the patience and the faith to wait for the right person whom you really like ,or the self reliance to be reasonably HAPPY on your own . These things have got to do with ( understandable ) human fragility - with a frail ego, who let other people determine your worth on the base of arbitrary indicators like how many chicks or guys you can score. Not much to do with love, which is basically the deep wish for another person's happiness. So it's an outer-directed feeling. While the desire to get a partner in order to suppress feelings of shame and inadequacy , as in the case you made up, is self-directed only.
Not to say that particularly attractive people do not possibly have one more Cupid's arrow at their bow , and do not have the chance to be desired by a wider selection of people. They do- it is what it is. The same is true for particularly rich people, or famous, talented , educated, brilliant etc.etc. people. That does not mean that only exceptional people can get whom they want and regular people are doomed to just make do. Because the selection criteria are different for each of us and physical beauty is not the first and foremost for many many people.
I would not take Brad Pitt served naked on a silver platter , since when I read an interview of his that said he wants to feel comfortable with a woman and be able to fart in bed as much as he likes.
To me , that would be a big disqualifier, I favour style over looks and personally I'd rather have a well mannered average Joe over being fumigated by a Hollywood hunk.
I would not be settling for the average Joe- that would be my CHOICE. See how it works ?...
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A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (3 September 2013):
 I wouldn't want you no matter how great you look, if you're a jerk.
True love = when you respect and love both yourself and your partner.
Don't make the assumption that people who aren't normally considered good looking, are desperate and will never have a true love life. That's just rude.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): "Love" is NOT doomed by physical characteristics, like tisha said. If you love someone you worship every inch of them because it's their skin, their warmth and their presence. You don't "love" someone because of their looks...!
You seem to live in your own small little world...Have you never heard of those married couples that have been married 50 years?? The way people "look" is NOTHING to do with wanting to share your heart and life with someone...
Philosopher? Maybe you you start by looking below the surface...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 September 2013):
 Let's add this to the question. The average looking guy is blind! So he doesn't know how he compares to other guys and so doesn't have that as a means to decide if he should date her or not.
Right. It's all imaginary, so we can make up whatever we like!
I think you're spending a lot of time wondering about looks and how that relates to people's dating lives.
In a few years, I hope you have more life experience to realize that no one is 'doomed' by some physical characteristic.
Of course she's not doomed to date the random dude on the subway who asks her out.
The girl you saw on the street may have been sad because her BFF's mom just died. Or because her dog died or the pots she's spent AGES on were destroyed in a kiln explosion.
I hope she moves on from the guy who is so insecure he judges himself by his looks. There are more important parameters after all, don't you think?
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