A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A couple years ago, I had a boyfriend who I was really attached to. He was nice to me at first but everything went bad relatively fast. When we became "official", lots of people warned me about him and told me that he was not a good guy but I ignored them because I was blinded by infatuation. He tried to get sexual with me (groping me and sexting) really early in our relationship, (like in the second week) but because I was so naive and in love I played along. Well he soon stopped being sweet and romantic with me. He would go 3 weeks without contacting me and when I complained about it, he would tell me to stop nagging him. He would have me come to his house and even when I was not in the mood (and most of the time I wasn't) he still expected me to give him oral sex. If I said no, he would threaten to break up with me and I really didn't want him to break up with me for some reason so I would give in. I just wanted to hang out and cuddle and talk and just spend time together but that wasn't good enough for him; it HAD to get sexual EVERY time we saw eachother. He would pressure me into doing it when he had friends over that were just in the other room, or even in public like in the park, the beach, or one time at a dumpster in my neighborhood even after I told him how it made me feel dirty and uncomfortable. He would just threaten to leave me if I refused.He told me that he wished my boobs were bigger and that he wished my hair was a different color.He ended up cheating on me and we broke up. I started dating other guys and he saw this and got jealous, and came crying back to me saying he would never hurt me again and I believed him and we got back together.Everything was exactly the same...still the pressuring me sexually, still the emotional neglect, and he cheated on me again with a tdifferent girl. We broke up again after only a couple months.I dated many different guys after him but felt like an empty shell of who I was before. To this day I still have trouble trusting boyfriends and believing them when they tell me they love me. My ex never apologized to me once, and we don't even look at eachother anymore (and I'm glad about that). I met and fell madly in love with someone I met a few months ago and he is now my boyfriend. I've never had so deep feelings for anyone like I do my current boyfriend. These deep feelings make me feel really terrified though, that he will leave me, cheat on me, or use me like my ex did. My bf has never hurt me and he is very trustworthy. We have been together for a few months now and he has never pressured me into anything sexual or otherwise. But I still have a bit of lingering fear. I recently opened up to him about all the things my ex did to me. My boyfriend became very angry and said he would fight whoever did that to me, and I dont want my boyfriend to get in a fight so I wont tell him my ex's name. My bf said that he would never treat me or any woman disrespectfully and hearing that made me feel better.Sorry for rambling, but my question is, was my relationship with my ex abusive? I'm conflicted because I WAS his girlfriend at the time, and he didnt PHYSICALLY force me into sexual acts but he would sorta insult me or threaten to leave me if I refused. And he also never hit me or anything like that. Thank you everyone for your help.
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boobs, broke up, cheated on me, got back together, in the mood, jealous, my ex, oral sex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 September 2013):
 Abuse is not only physical.
It's mental.
It's emotional
It's sexual
It's verbal.
yell yes you were abused.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 September 2013):
 You were in an emotionally abusive relationship. And the consequences of that linger, just like you are experiencing now.
I had an ex that constantly lied, cheated and manipulated me. The damage lasted for years. I couldn't trust anyone. I still feel the effects of it today, occasionally, many years later.
What you are experiencing is normal. This man emotionally manipulated and controlled you. and now, naturally, you fear the repeat of the past with new men.
Just continue to go slow with your new boyfriend. he sounds like a much better guy than your ex. However, only a few months is a short time to know someone. Try to give him the benefit of the doubt, and as long as he continues to back up his words with his actions, take it one day at a time.
You'll be okay. You had a run in with an emotionally abusive man. As long as you take the right steps to get your head back in the right place, you'll be just fine.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): I think you already know the answer to this question...
Yes your previous relationship was highly abusive
You may not have been physically assaulted or pinned down and raped but you were manipulated and controlled into doing everything your ex wanted regardless of your feelings.
If he didn't get his way he would belittle and criticise you and threaten to leave you (no doubt after having told you that you were ugly and useless and that no-one else would want you.
I'm so glad that you're shot of him and that you have a nice understanding boyfriend now who is helping you understand just how badly you were treated and how much more you're worth.
Take care
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A
male
reader, mathguy +, writes (3 September 2013):
Yes, your relationship was abusive! You were treated terribly by a very selfish man. If you were pressured to do specific things at specific times that you did not want to do under threat of being dumped, then you were being abused. It is not necessary that he physically forced you in order for it to be abusive.
My ex-girlfriend would constantly play with my testicles in unpleasant ways or flick the head of my penis, which was pretty painful. Sometimes she would indeed continue even when I begged "stop, stop, please stop," but the moral of the story is that she did not always have to do that to get her way: for instance, one time she made me agree to let her flick the head of my penis throughout the day if I wanted to make out with her at least once a week. I agreed to that arrangement because I was starved for affection, but that did not make it OK.
It is absolutely reprehensible what he did to you, but please be assured that there are kind, caring men and women out there! My ex was my first, and so far only, girlfriend, but even so I know that there are women out there who would never scream and curse at me or inflict physical pain while withholding affection. Just the same, there are plenty of kind, caring men who will treat you with respect and kindness and never twist your arm into doing things you are uncomfortable with.
Even so, your healing process may be long and difficult. I would never tell anyone in your situation to "just get over it," as if it was ever really that easy! I myself have had bad dreams where people do unpleasant sexual things to me against my will, and that can be disturbing. You may want to consider finding a good licensed therapist; I have found that to be helpful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): YES. It's emotional abuse. He took advantage of your emotional vulnerability and dependence on him, by threatening to emotionally hurt you by breaking up with you, just in order to get something purely PHYSICAL from you. He chipped away at your guard by making you feel inadequate, panicky without him and cutting right through your self esteem. I think if you'd stayed with him it could well have ended up physically abusive, cos he would have emotionally broke you down enough.He clearly has no morals or decency... There are a lot of corrupt, nasty users, scumbags out there that will use or abuse others for their own satisfaction or gain, if youre in a vulnerable enough state to let them... Just don't know what's wrong with the world! ;( Things happen and things go wrong... It may not work out with this guy... People and feelings and lifestyles change. But he clearly cares deeply for you and you for him... You know now that anyone that puts their needs above your worries or happiness then they're bad news. See how things go and make sure you try and be happy in yourself, as it's never good to let your life evolve around a relationship- though it is ob a very meaningful part. Remember to take time out, don't be hard on yourself, follow your gut and keep friends, family close :) xTake care and good luck :) xx
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