A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I need to ask you all about my wife.She has a very sexually chequered past that haunts me, but to be honest, at other times turns me on too. What I need to know is how to deal with it and get over it.She is a beautiful woman, 30yrs old now, slim, blonde, sexy etc. The problem is her past. She has had several threesomes, and also on another occasion, went in Germany to a swingers party and slept with 4 men in one night, and another night she slept with 2 guys in 1 night at another swingers party. She also had a threesome in a tent at a rock festival, and sex in a horse box at a polo match with a guy she met that same day etc.I need to stress, this is all over 10years ago now. She has matured, moved on, got it out of her system etc, but we talked about it when we first met before we went out together (3yrs ago), then we ended up together and well, I think of it a lot.Sometimes it turns me on, other times it sickens me, strange... She never talks about it unless I push her to do so, she even shows embarrassment about it. At times, when we are intimate, I think about it as it can be a turn on, other times, when I'm just sitting there I wish I could erase that part of my memory of her...#Any advice / help ? PLEASE !I love her deeply, no point in advising me to leave her, as this is simply not an option... But sometimes I lie in bed and as she sleeps I have vivid images of her, 4 men, 2 men, etc etc etc...
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male
reader, rick45454  +, writes (25 April 2013):
 I've been dealing with retroactive jealousy for 15 years. Some days are better than others. But it never goes away, it eats at me daily like a cancer. She's had lots more sexual partners than I have, done threesomes and such. Said she would do it for me and of course pulled the trusty old bait and switch. People that are not prone to jealousy dont understand rj and its effects. 15 years later, I'm not studly enough or alpha enough for the big show. That was reserved for those who treated her like a fuck toy instead of a queen.
A
male
reader, cartmancakes +, writes (6 January 2011):
I've suffered from this for 12 years now. Retroactive Jealousy is a mis-nomer. It's more of an OCD thing, Pure-O. The theme is relationships/sex. It took me a long time to find this out.
they say with knowledge comes power... right... I haven't noticed that myself. My wife's past is very average, yet it haunts me. Is that sick??? I've had good times and bad times. Lately, it's been really bad.
Having said that, I would like to ask... Does moving on help? If I left my current relationship, is it possible the next person won't affect me? Is this a problem with myself & my wife? Or just my problem? I've always wondered that. If there's a chance I can escape this, I want to know!!! otherwise, I'm just as screwed as everyone else here... :(:(:(
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (31 August 2010):
 I understand where you guys are coming from. In my darkest days of retroactive jealousy I was at the true edge of madness. I thought I was in the process of permanently losing my mind. A level of mental anguish I didn't realize as possible for anyone under any circumstances. A pain worse than anything I could conceive of. Living hell.
It's true that you never fully recover. I am permanently affected by the experience, and will always be sensitive to it. And I know I could always fall back into it. Where I am now is not permanently guaranteed safe. The background noise does return from time to time, but I am able to let is pass over me and through me without the obsession restarting. I know the signs intimately and can anticipate and take steps without difficulty.
I'll tell you why I advise men to try to overcome it. These are my reasons, and it's certainly true that for some men the best thing to do is break up. But...
- It is possible to overcome. Yes it will always be with you on some level, but it is entirely possible to come back from extreme retractive jealousy and have a healthy and loving relationship. I know this is possible because I have done it, and know others that have
- Retroactive jealousy is the shadow of love. And love doesn't come around often, it's something worth fighting for
- Many men suffering from this have families, and are not in a place where they can walk away. Sometimes we have to fight for the benefit of others, and be humble about our own suffering
- Many women are less than honest about their sexual history. The 'pure' woman you end up with later is very possibly not. How different is it to be with a woman that you know has a sexual history, versus one that is pretending not to have one? Which would you rather have? And you can never be sure of this, whatever she claims
- Overcoming retroactive jealousy for me was the most beneficial experience of my life. It taught me more about myself that anything else, and has changed me into a better person. Less judgmental, more forgiving, more realistic, and much more appreciative of the female perspective on love, sex and commitment
- I believe that retroactive jealousy in men is based on a fundamental misunderstanding of female sexuality. A set of lies we men tell ourselves based on only the male point of view. In most cases, if you truly understand why the woman you love had the sexual past she did, then the reasons for you to feel threatened, insecure, and trapped dissolve into empathy and compassion
- Lastly, and this is a personal reason, I'm a highly sexual person. Not only would i have to find a 'pure' woman to avoid any jealousy risks, but to be satisfied I'd have to also find one that was also highly sexual. That is a true needle in a haystack. I believe I'm better off being sexually satisfied and am more than willing to accept the now minor inconvenience of avoiding the topics of our sexual pasts and having to distract myself from time to time when I catch my thoughts drifting into dangerous waters
Having said all that, this OP has a very extreme situation on his hands. My partners past, though far past 'average', is not like what he has to deal with. Only he can decide whether it's worth fighting to overcome this. All I can advise is how to do so if he chooses to. Breaking up may well be his best option.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (31 August 2010):
Read what anon said two post below. This very thing effects me, and I have found its a fight not worth fighting. It will NEVER fully go away, and you will have to live with it. You will spend the rest of your days trying to change something very fundamental about yourself, and many may say there is something "wrong" with you. Hogwash.
My best advice is to go find someone w a past that you can handle. I did, and I have never been so happy that I did. No more images, no more "accepting," no more anything - just happiness.....
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A
male
reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (30 August 2010):
Yos,
"At the article suggests, you need to teach yourself to not focus on the images when they appear, to break the obsessive cycle."
What if you can not break this awful cycle? You can sometimes go a months without thinking about it and being fine, the other times something small and trivial will set you into a full blown 'attack'.
Dear OP,
I know what you feel man, I REALLY do.
Someone who used to post here often, had said to me that it does lessen but it will never go away. You have to figure out if it is something you can live with for the rest of your life.
Its only been about a year and half for me and it drives me insane. At times it just.... crippling.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): The only way to overcome it is to divorce, and marry a woman with no sexual past. Do not believe otherwise as facts always prevail over beliefs.
Do you want to spend all your energies fighting, for the rest of your life? Is that happiness? Hardly so. Years go by and the clock is ticking, so do not waste anymore time.
Just replace her: I guarantee that she is replaceable, even though it may not seem so to you right now. Just do it.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (29 August 2010):
I understand why the sauna thing would hurt you.
At the article suggests, you need to teach yourself to not focus on the images when they appear, to break the obsessive cycle. This takes time, patience and perseverance on your part.
In the mean time, you should avoid likely triggers where possible. This means avoiding things that will start an episode. These are to some degrees predictable, but not always.
If your wife is sympathetic, she may be willing to avoid certain things she knows might set you off. Such as this trip to the sauna. However be very careful with this: it can easily expand into controlling behaviour, which is toxic.
You need to develop a vocabulary with your wife that enables you to request her not do certain things that will trigger intense retroactive jealousy episodes. This vocabulary must give her a choice: it is always up to her what she does. She is not obligated to do what you ask, but may be willing to depending on how she feels about it at the time.
This should be seen as a temporary arrangement. Over time, as you improve, your ability to resist triggers will improve and the number of actions she should avoid will diminish.
For example, my partner was prepared to wear less revealing clothes when we went out, for the period when I was at my worst. This was generous of her, but it did help me. After a while this was no longer needed as I found I could cope with that trigger without having an attack. I also avoided certain TV shows, as well as books and articles about certain subjects. Over time I became able to handle them again.
One other thing. I hope you have realized that asking about her past must stop? These questioning sessions often trigger strong attacks of retroactive jealousy, and so should be avoided at all costs. Also, the information you learn gets stored and brought up over and over again, sustaining the jealousy much longer. This is vey evident from your post, which shows you have asked questions, then learned answers that continue to now torture you again and again. Information you wish you could un-learn, which you unfortunately can't.
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A
female
reader, Lotsalove. +, writes (29 August 2010):
 At the end of the day, you can't change your wife's past. You just have to accept it and move on. What you need to focus on is that eventhough she has had a wild past, she has settled down, married you and from your message she sounds like a trustworthy loving wife, something you should definetely embrace! If anything you should be proud that you have 'tamed' her ;)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Yos,
Thank you, I read that article...
I do not want to be misunderstood. Neither of us were virgins, not even close. I too have had my fun, just nowhere near the extent of my partner, especially not swingers parties, open nudity, threesomes etc.
We love each other dearly, are not virgins, nor especially religious, and the flip side is at certain times it can be a turn on, but other times it plays in my head and haunts me no end...
I simply do not know how to channel it out of my system, and there is a lot to try and channel out!
See, we were friends before we got together, hence I know all this about her from her college days, and here I am now, 3 years in to our relationship, and at nights while she sleeps I have these vivid pictures of her with 4 guys, or threesomes etc.
It came up again last night as she asked me to come to a sauna in her home town where it is 'textile free' in other words nude, and I'm not comfortable with the idea, which I told her, and she is ok with that, but she may go anyway with another friend, and to them her nudity is not a big deal, but to me it is!! ( It is a male friend ) ~ she defends this saying that he has been many times to a sauna with her and it is nothing new to any of them etc etc... and last night all these pictures returned to haunt me!
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A
female
reader, dijoyful  +, writes (29 August 2010):
 This is why people should never discuss in detail their previuos conquests! But this is all part of what make her who she is, as you say it was 10 years ago and she has got it out of her system. As i read it your not worried about her wanting to do this kind of thing again your just worried about how its making you feel. I bet she wishes she hadn't shared this with you, but we can't change the past, just our attitudes to it, you have the power to put these thoughts out of your mind, lock them away in a box in your head, everytime you find yourself worrying, push the image to the back of your mind put it into the box and lock it, then remind yourself how lucky you are to have such a wonderful girlfriend who loves you dearly.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (29 August 2010):
You have my sympathy. I've been there and know how terrible these images and feelings can be. I can say that I believe it is possible to overcome this, although it is difficult and will take great effort on your part.
I highly recommend you read this article:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
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