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*hahriar
writes: Dear Cupid:I started going to college late, but now I am attending UCLA, a famous university. I want to remain a virgin until I find my one and true love, but she must also be a virgin. No one that I know is a virgin, and if I tell someone, they will make fun of me here at this campus. Recently, the college has even hired a RV to come to the main campus plaza on the first day of the month to do HIV testing, and hundreds of people line up to get tested. Those who get tested also get a black t-shirt that says, "Knowledge Is Power." Although that this message is intended to encourage more people to get tested, I know many people, esp. guys, were it as a sign of pride that they have had sex. The t-shirt puts down any one who has not had sex and wants to wait for marriage. I have also begun therapy sessions and take medication for depression because I keep getting bothered by the thoughts that I am going to be too late and too old by the time that I finish my studies and post-graduate school to get married and have my first sexual encounter. Something tells me that I will not even be able to meet a virgin by the time that I am finished with my studies who is no more that five years younger than I am. And virginity counts a lot to me: Having sex with a virgin as a virgin is a very bonding experience, and it can only come once in a life time. I can rely on my family assets to get married and still go to school, but I don't know how to meet someone who is a virgin and is willing to stay a virgin until marriage or would be willing to marry me while I am going to college. So my childhood dream's for a normal, romantic, and perfect married life is being shattered in my mind and I sadness is overwhelming me. I have even come to hate God for bringing me to life in this way that has put me in such a situation. Often, I wish he had made me like an android, so I would not have the intense sexual desires that I have bother me so much. But I know that I rather die a virgin than to have sex with someone who is not going to be my wife and who is not a virgin herself. Virginity of that other someone is very important to me: She must be willing to wait for me like I am willing to wait for her. But what can I do about getting depressed? How can I meet someone who is a virgin (I don't care about their religious or ethnic background) and would be willing to start a nonsexual relationship with me until marriage within the near future, even while I am attending college?
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female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (16 December 2009):
 (2) GIVE UP TRYING TO FIND A VIRGIN BRIDE IN AMERICA, because our women here have been completely and utterly corrupted...You'll even find that ladies who attend religious services regularly here are just as promiscuous as the sluts you'll meet down at the local bars...Go fishing in a better pond...
I realize this is a little late but I stumbled upon this question just now, by acccident.
If you are simply not attracted to American women, fine. We have free speech here, and you like who you like. That´s great. Nothing wrong with liking Filipina women. I happen to prefer Mexican men over American men... I would never marry an American man. Nothing wrong with ALL men in USA, I´m just not attracted to them. I´m not racist, I just have a different sexual orientation.
However, that doesn´t entitle you to slander an entire country. There are plenty of things about (USA) American culture that bother the hell out of me, ditto for our politics. It´s completely unfair to say that being born in USA makes you a slut. :(
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male
reader, noble7837  +, writes (25 October 2008):
OK, stop worrying!!...Here's your solution:
(1) GET OUT OF THERAPY/COUNSELING IMMEDIATELY, because there's nothing wrong with you...You obviously have strength of character, sound morals, and good self esteem...Unfortunately, the vast majority of todays college students lack these important traits, and you will always be ridiculed by these compromisers...You are much too likely to get a therapist/counselor who will NOT appreciate your beliefs, and they will try to get you to compromise also as a way to resolve your "inner conflict and needless anxiety"...Stick to your guns and keep reading...
(2) GIVE UP TRYING TO FIND A VIRGIN BRIDE IN AMERICA, because our women here have been completely and utterly corrupted...You'll even find that ladies who attend religious services regularly here are just as promiscuous as the sluts you'll meet down at the local bars...Go fishing in a better pond...
(3) FIND YOUR VIRGIN BRIDE IN THE PHILIPPINES, just like thousands of men do every year!!...Check out FilipinaHeart.com...I speak from first-hand experience here...You will not find a more loyal, sweet, pleasant, and down right beautiful specimen of a woman than the traditional Filipina!!...Sure, you'll come across some trash also, but I'm here to tell you that family-oriented, God-fearing, educated and sexually pure women are plentiful!!...If you work this site smart and frequently for just three (3) months, you will have your pick of potential brides from the ages of 18 to 45...Just make sure you tell about youself and your criteria on your profile to cut down on the riff-raff you'll have to sort through otherwise...Ninety days from now, your only source of anxiety will be that you actually have to choose one out of the dozens of ladies that will appreciate and gladly marry a guy like you!!
PS- Filipinas are also GREAT IN BED!!...Happy virgin hunting!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): I also swear to stay virgin and marry a virgin and im only 12 parents think 12 year olds know verey little about this kind of stuff i cant really suggest except pray and you might try cristian colleges there are quite a few nice virgins there i can think of only one in idaho were i live but there is lots more o ya battle cry they have colleges all over the country there a pro-life group so if you happen to go to one of them dont swear they wont like it if you came from a religious background you should have no problem keep searching.
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male
reader, SouthernMan25 +, writes (14 April 2008):
I agree with you dont waste your virginity on a woman who has had no standards, pray to God. We both might die virgin but I pray in the lord i can find a fellow virgin woman who has had standards and wouldnt just let anyone sleep with her like most women do.
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male
reader, SouthernMan25 +, writes (14 April 2008):
I agree with you dont waste your virginity on a woman who has had no standards, pray to God. We both might die virgin but I pray in the lord i can find a fellow virgin woman who has had standards and wouldnt just let anyone sleep with her like most women do.
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female
reader, Kodgypie  +, writes (11 January 2008):
love comes in all forms. You cannot really choose who you fall inlove with and just because that person may have had sexual experiences, doesn't mean they are any less deserving of your love. You can hope for a fellow virgin but realisticly, you may never get one. Because even if you do find her, who's to say you'll even like her. I am from a religious background and know lots of twenty something virgins, its important to them and that's good, but please don't think everyone who has had sex is BAD. We all have had different up bringing and have gained different values and morals, just cos they may be different from yours doesn't mean they are wrong. Just my two cents.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2008): i am the same way....how old r u? i've been waiting for marriage and am at a point where i dont think there are any virgins out there anymore when it comes to males....well, at least not the ones who will admit to it............anyways.....all hope is not lost with you.....i'm waiting also and when i was reading your post i felt as if i was the one who wrote it because that's exactly how i feel about abstinence.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2007): Just because a girl's hymen is broken doesn't mean she's lost her virginity. Hymens can be broken by falls, serious accidents and bike wrecks. What if a girl were abused as a child but had never had sex voluntarily, would that make her off limits to you? I think you should expand your idea of virgin a little bit, and take people on a person-to-person basis.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2007): I am a Chinese boy, I was a virgin until I got married, and so was my wife.
In China, being a virgin is considered being responsable for life. A virgin couple is much less possible to have problem or get divorced in their future life.
According to a survey, more than 95% Chinese people will not accept that his/her girl/boy friend is not a virgin. I am one of them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2007): Its hard to imagine someone is so shallow, would you really give up your true love if she isnt a virgin? How sad for you.
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reader, Shahriar +, writes (14 July 2005):
Dear-Kelly / Nordic-Beauty, You're correct that sex isn't everything in life and that love should count the most. I want two things to exchange with the girl of my dreams: love and virginity. These two gifts are inseparable for me. You also said that when I meet someone I am not going to know whether she is a virgin or not, but I will ask at some point and expect the truth. Of course, a woman who is a virgin will have her hymen lock, so I am not worried about a liar if that is what you meant. You are more than correct in that most people will not remain virgins until marriage these days because they realize that their spouse will most probably also not keep virgin. So I know that the chance of finding someone who loves and respects me and is a virgin is low. But I refused sexual offers in the past because I had a wish for finding the right person that loves me enough to give me her virginity and take mine. Because I am a virgin, I am also a jealous person. The thoughts that other men have found her first and that they have penetrated and enjoyed someone who wants to be my wife bring the wrath of jealousy in me. I have engaged others in "early relationships" but after finding out that they are not virgins, I refused to go any further in the relationships. Sex is important because it is the very act that is the natural consummation of a life-long relationship. Some people may wish to get official recognition for the existence of this relationship, so they hold a wedding. Others rather keep it unofficial for practical reasons. Regardless of which way a couple chooses, sex is an important bonding part of a guy-gal relationship. In fact, as I mentioned earlier, it is the natural consummation and acknowledgement of the existence of what is meant to be a permanent relationship. I know that there are many guys who will be scuffing at my philosophy, but I see some contradictions and hypocrisy in them. I see many guys go to public restrooms to urinate, but they refuse to pull the lever to flush because doing that puts other guys' urine, semen, and sperm on their hand. The thought of having to come in contact with other guys' fluids is subconsciously a sexual turnoff for them, and they get disgusted about pulling the lever. But when it comes to entering a vagina that has had the semen and sperm of others poured all over it, they have no problems? Of course that they don't feel comfortable with that situation, but they defeat their jealousy with the thought that "Well, I have done it with others too." However, I am not seeking a relationship with a virgin because I am worried about disease or other men’s fluids. I want her to love me enough to wait for me to meet her and etch our minds with that first experience after our wedding: the celebration of union. Her cries of “love pain” during that first time are her love songs to my ears, and I will always remember that she loved me enough to let me “pleasurably hurt” her. I will always remember breaking her hymen lock, but then I would never want to break her heart. If she wants to be my missing half, then she should not share my missing half with other men. In some third world countries, polygamy is widely practiced, but I loathe that lifestyle because it is unfair to women. In America, polygamy is also practiced but on a “one at a time basis.” I think monogamy is the ideal approach to living a good life in a civilized world. Monogamy for me is one man one woman finding each other as virgins, going out with each other for a long time to ensure that they are a match, and finally giving each other their virginity as wedding vows. Notice that I said “giving” each other their virginity, not losing it to one another as the case is when one breaks up with his or boyfriend or girlfriend. I have also debated this issue on another forum , so I will put my last posts from that forum below because a lot of people found them to be well argued. I hope these posts will give you more insight into my way of thinking so that you can give more information for further advice. Dear-Kelly and Nordic-Beauty thank you for your responses. Let me know if you want to see the full debate in the other forum, and I will post a link to it. 2nd post (abridged: last paragraph)Yes, I have been given the opportunity to have sex while I was going to high school here, but I turned it down because I was not ready for marriage then. I wish puberty and the joy of teen youth and looks could be biologically delayed until one is ready for marriage, but God or evolution did not choose that for us. If it comes to having to grow old as a virgin than to compromise on the decision that I made as a teen going to high school here to stay a virgin for marriage, I would rather die a virgin. I value my virginity that much. But I rather not have to make that decision. Just as there are people who are willing to get married as non-virgins and live happily ever after, I wish the world "around" me would be diverse enough to have room for my dreams to come true on my terms so that I don't have to compromise on the decisions that I became resolute since becoming a teenager and finding out about sex here in the US. That one and special loving person who loves me and is willing to give me her virginity and take mine may exist, but how do I find her before I am too old? How do I find "you" while I am young, and even better, while I am going to college?3rd postBack in the days when they didn't have paper or much government institutions, when two people became adolescents, i.e., their sex drive turned on, as soon as the male learned a trade, he (a teenager himself) would start a married life with a girl in her young teens. This marriage act may have involved some tribal recognition. However, if they lived in isolated areas, the act of just coming together and living together would constitute marriage without any formal recognitions or parties to celebrate it--not everyone is rich even these days in poorer countries to throw a wedding. Amandine, you are correct that marriage is just a formality to what is already there for many people. I think, however, that not even a wedding or the signing of a paper contract is the real recognition of a life-long union between a man and a woman that love each other. I take the act of sex to be the natural recognition of their union, and all couples, rich or poor, in any part of the world can and do eventually have sex. Their first time is day one of their official union. This philosophy tends to be practical with what couples have done for marital status throughout recorded history including the relationships among people in western countries. It's more practical to call the first sexual encounter between a man and a woman day one of their union because (assuming they have not applied for formal governmental recognition) they can get out of it much easier and sometimes at a moments notice if their relationship does not work out. I know that many people cannot rely on the western biblical ways of getting recognition for their union because too many times these relationships breakdown for various reasons such as infidelity, domestic violence, different attitudes and expectations of life, etc. Therefore, let's recognize a couple’s first sexual encounter to be their real first day of marriage--regardless of whether it was just a one night stand, teen sex, or sex between two people who really love each other and are past their teens. However, instead of calling it marriage, which carries so much governmental formalities and burdens, society chooses to call it a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. The two partners may not often live together all the time as is the case between teenage couples because their parents are often willing to pay for their expenses which they cannot afford. Sometimes, they love each other enough and have so many things in common that their relationship does last past their teens and even their college days, and it will eventually end up in a formal marriage. The formal marriage, i.e., the wedding and the marriage certificate, is nothing more than governmental formality confirming what is already there: love, attraction, respect, and mutual interest. Amandine, this way of establishing a relationship is perfectly fine. Documents and ceremonies are not necessary to confirm a love relationship between two people. But notice that if you consider a relationship an informal marriage that has it consummation in the first sexual encounter, then the breakup of the relationship is the first informal divorce (a.k.a. breakup of the relationship) that the two formers partner experience for the first time in their life. This way of defining relationships should hold regardless of age--teenage or passed the 20th birthday. Teens or young officially unmarried couples that have engaged in unofficial relationships have done nothing wrong. First, most people in the past married as teenagers, especially since life expectancy was short. Additionally, teenage girls were usually the new moms in the past because, in the past, post-secondary or even primary education did not exist. What should a teen girl do: just sit home and get older in her father's home or get married? Well modern times have brought about the educational institutions that teens utilize to gain more skills to be more productive, but their evolutionary history has not made any adjustments to change the time of puberty. So people make the best of it in the western world: they engage in unofficial marriages beginning in their teens. Remember that I said it is not a real relationship until their first sexual encounter. And until they find the right match they go through many relationships (i.e., unofficial marriages) and breakups (i.e., unofficial divorces). I hope that they all find the right person that suits them best: the man or the woman of their dreams. Nonetheless, I am a jealous man. I did not refuse sexual offers in high school because I did not want sex or that I did not want a relationship or a love life. I also did not refuse past sexual offers because somehow I was planning on having my first sexual encounter with someone who has had other partners. I did not choose what I chose because I wanted her to be “experienced” (i.e., a non-virgin, an adult) and I be an “innocent child” (a virgin). During the course of our evolutionary history, selective events have tended to favor men that paid more attention about whether it was their genes that were being passed on to the next generation. Therefore, men tend to have (ok in my opinion at least) more biological inclinations toward jealousy. I told you in my previous posts that this male jealousy is universal To justify my assertion, I mentioned that many men get disgusted about flushing the urine bowl since they know that touching the lever brings their hands in contact with other men's urine, sperm, and semen. That idea tends to bother many of them, so they refuse to flush. But when it comes to sex, they defeat the wrath of their jealousy (biologically based or otherwise) and the images that are conjured up by the knowledge that their partner has been penetrated and enjoyed by other men by the thought that "I have done it with others too." Otherwise, why do they want to put their penises in a vagina that has had the sperm and semen of others poured all over it when they are not willing even to touch the lever of a urine bowl in a public restroom? And there are so many of you guys!!! (I do flush and do not suffer from the sexual thoughts when flushing or the obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) that ails some of you.) I have brought forth reasons to justify the relationships that teens and young couples get involved these days. From my reasoning, I hope that there is less condemnation of a young girl who gets pregnant and that the guy is encouraged to marry and love her for life because she is doing him a favor by being burdened with his child. If the guy is a coward and bails on her, society should force him to pay child support at least after his 18th birthday or face serious jail time. Amandine, I told you about my jealous nature. I guess in this world when I say that I want to fall in love with someone who is a virgin, I mean to say I want to fall in love with someone who, in addition to being caring and loving, has had the same ideas and desires as I do: to delay the "unofficial marriages and divorces" for later. In other words, I want to find someone who has the same sexual status as I do: virgin. If that is too much to ask, then I am not fit for any relationship, and I have realized that and I will accept that. The thoughts that I am a loser because I hit a dead end (i.e., I refused the sexual offers in the past only to settle down for less than what I had planned as a child and a young teen) bother my conscience greatly. I rather stay a virgin for life. I know that for me love and virginity have to come together because I am a jealously virgin man; I cannot compromise on this point regardless of the consequences. I told you what is on my mind and how I have come about to this way of thinking for which I am resolute. My choice is both instinctive and personal. Nevertheless, I don't want to stay alone and a virgin for the rest of my life, but no one around me that I know fits the criteria that I want. For me, finding someone that is a match seems to get more and more difficult if it isn't impossible already.
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female
reader, loveless_2008 +, writes (11 July 2005):
you might need to go to church and find you a man or get with some kind of christian group.
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reader, matuatabu +, writes (29 June 2005):
Well you know I am 21 nearly 22 and I'm still a virgin. I don't have a boyfriend at the moment. Actually I met this guy here and we broke up coz he found out that I'm still a virgin..so why not...just be yourself. He is out there waiting and looking for you...all the best..thanx...
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reader, Dear Kelly +, writes (20 June 2005):
It's all well and good what you say, and It sounds like you have a very strong religion in wanting to stick to what you have said,there's nothing wrong with that, and it's quite nice if its planned and happens that way. But often, nothing is as fairytale as we expect it to be!!!you speak in your post so much about the virgin issue, but my question is....- what about love??? you mention no part about love? surely to find 'real true love' and loving someone is more important then just the issue weather someone is a virgin or not, just becuase you may meet someone that 'IS' a virgin, doesn't mean to say you will love them in perhaps the same way that you might full in love with someone else to then find out they are not actually a virgin!!Remember when you meet someone you see as special to you you are not gonna know wether they are a virgin or not from the start, as that stuff is kinda personal for people to just be advertising themselfs as a virgin, or not,.......so despite your strong veiws, it may not quite happen in the way you want it too, and as planned!!p.s sex aint the most important thing in life!! and even when you get to have your moment, you will prob just think ''was that it''? haha. Lifes too short for you to be young and letting this depress you, have some fun and enjoy life!!
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reader, NordicBeauty +, writes (20 June 2005):
Wow...where should I start?Number 1..if you choose to remain a Virgin (which is a great choice) then change your attitude...CELEBRATE IT !Modify your thinking patterns...you sound like a strong man who is capable of controlling his thoughts.A depressed virgin is an oxy-moron.Be depressed or be a virgin...but both is a contradiction.BE HAPPY with your choice and SHOW IT !Nevermind those other people who strut their sexual conquests.If I were you...I would line up & get HIV tested & wear that T-shirt with Pride...Knowledge IS Power, but you have a DIFFERENT type of knowledge.There is more than one way to get Aids and you know it.You can contract it by going to the dentist, or through a blood transfusion, etc....so just to be safe, go for the test and wear the T-shirt...let others think what they want & be confident that you are a virgin & keep your Peace.Regarding your anger towards God...sweet man...I was raised a Christian & I learned LONG ago, that God gave us a brain & he wants us to use it..creatively & wisely !I was married a Virgin & our wedding night was a painful experience but I was still proud that I abstained from sex & waited, so I'll be blunt with you...STOP feeling sorry for yourself...it isn't God's fault..it's your choice !He didn't make us puppets on a string & He won't strike us with a bolt of lightning if we make a mistake.He loves us unconditionally...no matter what we do or don't do.Virginity is a Gift in this day & age.God has given you a Gift of celibacy & self control.But you've taken that beautiful gift & turned it into an ugly burden..it's not your cross to bear...it's the Lord's.Ask Him to help you change your attitude towards it.Regarding your search for a virgin..check out Campus Christian groups...you will find lovely virgins !But I advise that you revise your LIST of requirements, such as a woman is no more than 5 years younger than you.That is just silly & jeuvenile...what if your ideal virgin is 7 years younger or 2 years older?Plus, you seem MORTIFIED that you are missing out on the perfect marriage...NEWS FLASH...there's no such thing as a PERFECT marriage...or we'd all be in heaven..not on earth !Chill out, relax...let life ebb & flow...fill your days with joyful interests and grateful heart for all the blessings God has given you...ADJUST YOUR ATTITUDE.When Jesus was on earth, he took time to laugh, relax, meditate, enjoy good food, and he was a Virgin too !Being a virgin is not the "be all & end all"It's only a minor part of our lives...a changing season.Do NOT obsess over it..that's one reason you are depressed.Release it to the Lord...let go of it...& it will happen !Focus on your studies & the Lord will do the rest.Bless your troubled heart...I pray you will find peace...and a Virgin !
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