A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a 45 year old single male - I have an old mother (75+) who lives with me - we share a reasonable relationship most of the times but there are instances when things just get too difficult.I strongly believe my mother's ability to comprehend things are getting poorer with her age and anything I tell her, her first reaction seems to be that I am pointing fingers at her. Which makes having any reasonable conversation difficult unless it is about generic things.I have a couple of siblings with whom I share a strained relationship and try not to be in touch with unless extremely important. My mother is in regular touch with them and I do not have any issues with that.However, my mother has this habit of telling them about every little issue at my place (ex: maid problems, neighbor problems etc) and my 2 sisters give her advise and interfere in my household matters at times which I believe is genuinely wrong and feel they should mind their own business. This leads to a lot of further problems between me and my mother. My mothers way of saying things which might be misinterpreted also leads to further distancing between me and my sisters.I have told my mother this many times - to keep our household matters to the two of us and not gossip about it with others. But she mistakes this to be finger pointing. I cannot even talk to my sisters and ask them to be more mature towards things as I do not like talking to them.We end up arguing over these things almost every week and I feel bad and guilty at the end of it as she is pretty old. I cannot think of moving her to an old age home as that is not the norm here in my country and I personally would not even want to do that.Apart from those moments, we are fairly okay and she pretty much has all the freedom to do whatever she wants. I really do not know what to do! My sisters have in the past tried to be overbearing and I have resisted vehemently them imposing their ideas or way of life on me which has led to the problems between me and them. But that is a relationship I am not keen on working out. But I am keen on ensuring a reasonable relationship with my mother especially in her older days. Could someone suggest me some tips? I have pretty much given up on trying to change her/them - maybe I just need to learn to ignore things. I ignore it most of the days and then there is that 1 day in a fortnight when I am unable to. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2013): My grandmother is exactly like your mother!! She too insists on telling everything to my aunts and there is literally no privacy in my house because they know everything even before its happened! Its very annoying and as much as we want her to stop, she wont.
You have to realize that at your mother's age, she will not change. She's too set in her ways and expecting her to change now is not going to work. Unfortunately you have to accept her as she is.
Also, think of it in this way, your mom is old and this is her only way to keep herself entertained. mothers are closer to their daughters than to their sons, especially after a certain age when they know that their daughters can relate to them. So I think you have to accept the situation as it is but make sure your sisters dont interfere with your household. Doesnt matter as long as they are mute spectators, you cant really stop that.
A
female
reader, Dayzy  +, writes (17 January 2013):
In Australia we had a comedy TV programme called Mother and Son starring Norman Gunston. The situation you have described is exactly the same. The poor guy has to endure caring for his feeble minded, demanding mother while his relatives do nothing to help but all are critical of his efforts. You should see if you can download it. I think what you are going through is probably very common for people looking after an elderly parent. The parent is thankless and the others in the family only contribute unhelpful advice that makes the carers job even more difficult. I hope that you manage to get out of the house and form some nice female friendships. You might not be able to change anythin about your situation so try and at least ADD some pleasant, positive experiences to your life to make the difficulties more bearable.
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A
female
reader, lmao1989  +, writes (15 January 2013):
 Firstly your mother is old now and she's at that stage where she is going to gossip about things whether it be the neighbours at yours or the dogs barking through the night to the slight fact that you gave her boiled potatoes instead of mashed. She's at a point where everything has changed for her now she hasn't but her environment has this is not going to sit well with her and maybe she doesn't want to say these things to you because you're her son and she does appreciate you have a life to live of your own and doesn't want to think she doesn't appreciate it so her talking to other women being her daughters/ your sisters is her venting. She's probably just missing having some female company around her so she can talk to them about whats on the soaps or what she's done in the day. Don't get me wrong i don't doubt you're doing the best you can do and giving her the best life and she obviously feels the same but sometimes having that woman to talk to about something on your mind is a nice thing to do to have someone else to speak to.Perhaps you can be civil to your sisters and just ask them to pop around and visit her say you go out to get some shopping in or you go out and chill with your work friends or friends from elsewhere whilst they have a gossip and a natter and then she may be a bit different. Sometimes it's nice to get an outside opinion on a situation and perhaps that is what she gets off your sisters.No-one is saying there is a need to change any person just things have changed for your mother and this is something she's adapting too.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (15 January 2013):
 if she is close to your sisters let her go live with them for a while.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (15 January 2013):
 Hi
First,it sounds like your doing a great job to me.
As for your mum, she is old yes, likes to gossip too like all us women. Seems its your siblings that take it too far, their way of feeling part of the arrangement I guess.
However they should be encouraging and helping you. Not being critical,so its them you need to tackle.
Is it not at all possible to sit down together, you and your siblings.To explain how it is with you and your mother, that you only ever have her best interests at heart.
All of you should be caring for your mother in some way and at the moment they seem to have little understanding of how your mother is mentally, and how her age is catching up.
I really do think you need to meet and talk,if only once.
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