A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I have been with my b/f for 3 years, We have been living together for a little bit over a year. Recently (4 1/2 months ago) I found texts from women on his phone to him. One girl wrote " No I wont allow it! Do what you want to do but I wont help you cheat" , " you look at me with sex in your eyes" and " I am not going to help you cheat on your girlfriend. If I were your girlfriend I wouldn't want you to cheat on me"He wrote back saying " please don't make me beg" , "we could go to the woods hehe" and "I will give it to you. . . " etcI have confronted him about it. He says they were joking around. I don't know what to believe but this is not the first time that I found compromising texts.Please help! I don't know what to believe and the trust has basically been destroyed. AND we have not had sex since I found the texts. its been almost 5 months, so is does this mean he is or was cheating? or is it stress etc, I asked him what is going on, why we haven't been intimate. He said he has no motivation. Any advice will be Appreciated, Thank you
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): He doesn't see the point of marriage. Says he wants a kid within three years before the age of 30 and he hasn't had sex with you in five months and he is trying to cheat on you with other women, hence the texting....which he has canceled.
I think this 27 year old is a boy, not a man, and he is very manipulative. Doesn't get the point of marriage but wants to have a kid (with you?) Yeah, I am sure he wants child support payments for the next 18 years as well.
He is an all out liar and a con my dear. Time to move on and cut the apron strings from this mama's boy.
A
male
reader, Candleman  +, writes (24 September 2009):
 Ok, something is not right at all. The no sex thing, yet still cuddles and kisses is making me wonder where his sexual energy is being released? Obviously he could be masturbating, or it could be with someone else. I get this sense that he loves you, but his love for himself is more, therefore he will compromise you for his selfishness. Cheating being the worst. I honestly feel people can love someone and still cheat on them. It is a measure of their true love which shows it is more of a selfish love and not very deep. Which then a person has to ask themselves if that is the kind of love that they want. This could be the biggest difference between you two and the most important/vatal difference. I can tell that despite all the things that people are saying you are still not convinced that he cheated on you. For many, this information that you have shared would be more than enough to "see the light" but I sense you still question things. If you take all his words and erase them and only think about the text messages and what they say. What does that tell you...????.... The problem for you is that you don't have the smoking gun. You don't have him admitting things, didn't catch anything so obvious a lie can't be made up....Pretty damn close though, but 100% you do not have. This leaves you with a few options 1. Give him the benefit of the doubt, stop obsessing about this because he is not admitting. It will only keep you two from forming a close relationship. You will have to work on this big time. I personally doubt you can do this given the information, but if you stick with this guy, it is one of your options. Obviously you have to keep an eye out for things. (If something else happens again (3rd time mind you) and you repeat this same pattern then you need to open your eyes and face what is in front of you.) 2. Look for more information. Consider who it is he may be cheating with. Play detective. If it is at all possible try to get the girl that turned him down or was "joking" with him as she seems like the kind that would be honest with you. Many problems are inherent here and you are more than likely going on a wild goose chase. The two main problems are that people usually don't tell on people and two, he could say it is another girl and she will lie for him. If you have a close female friend, have them go and talk to people for you in sort of a round about way. I know a guy that had another intentially hit on his gf. It actually worked. Hire a private detective...very expensive, but if he is cheating then it will come out. Call the show cheaters and see if they will do it in your area. The FMRI lie detector test....this is the state of the art lie detection that cost about $5,000. It has a reported 98% accuracy rate. You could threaten him with this and see what happens. Say you will put it on a credit card and see what kind of response you get. Or, spend that kind of money which who really has an extra $5000 to spend. There are other lie detector test but the accuracy is going to be such that he can easily say that the test was bogus. 98% though is hard to refute.3. Accept the fact that he cheated on you and hope he never does it again. There are couples that have survived such a thing though it is much harder without the person admitting things. You are left on your own to work out the issues, and you really, really have to love the person and be willing to compromise a lot of yourself. But, perhaps through analysis you can understand why things may have happened and accept them. Trust is essentially gone either way you go. Since I personally feel I would have enough to claim this guy is cheating then I wish you could just see what is before you as I feel this guy is going to hurt you more and a person deserves much more than this. But, a person has to battle their own demons. It is very hard to take a stance and allow so much pain to begin. Just remember that it is not your fault. You didn't cheat. Be strong, find people you trust and love to be there for you, buy books on the subject, visit forums and if you can, see a therapist. I really hope you don't travel the path of the detective because it is really not a healthy way to live a life. However, if you need that extra information then you will have to seek it. If you are going to give the benefit of the doubt then you need to start ASAP. Your relationship will be one roller coaster after another until you do. If you are going to try to work on accpeting the fact he did cheat, then make sure this guy is worth it. You compromise a lot of yourself.Best Wishes
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello,
I would like to thank eveyone who told me how it is and was blunt. I appreciate all your advice. I know what needs to be done.
Thank you
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 September 2009):
Oh please go and find yourself a better guy. This doesn't sound like joking around to me. It sounds like he's using you. There are better guys out there. Dump this cheat.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionP.S: He has cancelled his texting since this Incident as well.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello again,
An answer to "Candleman"
In the past 5 months his behavior has not changed, He still wants cuddles and kisses.
We do sleep in the same bed still.
He is not distant only with sex and he is not much with talking about problems.
I believe that we are so different and me bring up the texting A LOT, is effecting it/ us. I am not sure if he is actually cheating but I do know that I do not want to be disrespected like this.
I do not want to be with him if he is cheating, I just dont want to do something I will regret either.
He is my first for a lot of things and I do know he loves me.
We talked tonight and he is stressed for the fact he wants a child before he turns 30. (My age is 22 and his 27). I still want to go back to college before having a child. I also want to be married before having children too.
He does not see the point really in marriage.
They say "opposites Attract" and that is the problem.
...............................
A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (23 September 2009):
Keep in mind that people who cheat lie about it. If they are sneaky enough to cheat, then lying is nothing to them. Since the reality of a person cheating on you is something that is very painful, your mind does not want to believe the truth. This is why it is easy for cheaters to manipulate because the mind wants to believe things that are positive to the psyche. Sigmund Freud defined defense mechanisms as a way for our psyche to protect itself. Denial is probably the most common defense mechanism. You are in denial about your boyfriend. I can make this statement because of the fact that the text message was pretty obvious, that didn't sound like joking at all. Especially what the other girl said about not letting him cheat. And, you have found other text along the same lines which completely makes the joking so unlikely that I feel it would be foolish to allow yourself to believe this. As far as what has killed his motivation? It could be a vaiety of reasons, and not having more info, it is hard to tell. Is this necessary? Do you still want to have a relationship with him if he did cheat on you? If you do, then it is really hard to define what to make of this lack of motivation because so much time has passed. It seems there are 3 possible reasons. 1. He just doesn't give a shit about you at all and he is planning his escape. 2. He cares for you but feels trapped because he can't come clean since he's lied so much, and just doesn't know how to go about doing it. 3. He thinks he has you snowed and is trying to wear you down by acting distant thinking he can convince you that he is telling you the truth, meanwhile he continues his old ways (one long ass mind game which makes this reason sketchy but not impossible.) It seems like it is number 2 because of the time that has elapsed unless he is dependent on you for any reason at all, ie. he has no other place to stay, you make a lot of money and support him etc. etc.But, I would need more information to give you better insight. My questions would be...What has this 5 months been like in regards to your interactions? How many times does this issue come up?Do you two still sleep in the same bed? Is he like depressed, completely distant all of the time?Other than the sex, how has his behavior changed?Is he always going out, coming in late etc?Does he feel you are 100% convinced that he cheated? How convinced does he think you are?Anyway, I hope I helped some. If you want me to think more about this, then just reply to this post and I'll see it.Best of luck to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (23 September 2009):
 Of course you know what to believe. Believe in what you have seen with your own two eyes. Believe that he is continually lying to you, because he is. Believe that he is lying to get out of this, because that's what he has done, by telling you that he's "just kidding", because he wasn't talking (HELLO?) to these other girls. And especially, believe that he isn't going to stop.
Then get the hell out of there.
He didn't marry you for a reason, he wanted free sex and a companion that he could cheat on, WHO WOULD BELIEVE HIM. That's You!
I think that you had better believe in yourself instead. You deserve better that the cartloads of crap that this guy is shoveling and expecting you to buy.
You are worthy of having a really great guy who loves you and is true to you. Those kind of guys don't expect something for nothing and don't cheat on you.
Stand up for yourself.
You have to realize that the MOMENT that you bought that first lie - "that he was kidding" - he was laughing at you right in your face the moment you bought it, and his respect for you went from bad to nothing at all. He won't cheat less now, he'll cheat MORE, because he thinks he can get away with it. Sorry, Harsh, but true. You just chose the wrong guy. We all do it a some point. At least, you were smart enough NOT to be married to him! NOW, give him a "divorce" and leave him. Good Luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): when things are too clear we sometimes cannot see the wood for the trees as the saying goes.
do you really believe that these texts are just joking around between friends?
i have alot of female friends, but never do texts contain such nature, why?... because they are just friends.
he wanted to cheat, whether she submitted in the end or not doesnt matter really, the fact is he wanted her too.
best find someone who values you more.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): I think it is time to do the breaking up yourself. It doesn't take a man three years to know if you are the ONE woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with.
He is using you, he is cheating on you behind your back, or wants to do so, and he is withholding sex as a way to keep you on your toes, off balance, so he can be in control.
The person who cares the least in a relationship has all the power.
Start to care less and put your focus all on you and start dating some other men.
This relationship is ending and the signs are on the phone and in your gut.
...............................
A
female
reader, CarlyBabe +, writes (22 September 2009):
of course he is going to tell you he was joking around. I don't know if he cheated or not....that is for him to be honest and real with you. But usually guys don't just text other women those kinds of things for no reason. And for the no sex situation, seems to me maybe he cheated and feels some kind of guilt or he just doesn't wanna be with you anymore and don't have the balls to break it off. Either way, you must do what is good for you. Communication and honesty are very important. Go with your gut feeling. Good Luck.... We only have a one way ticket through life, so find someone who is worthy of your time and appreciates you.
...............................
|
