A
male
age
41-50,
*ohn.doe.31
writes:I have somewhat of a long backstory to my question, and honestly feel extremely immature resorting here, but I would rather the anonymity of the internet than posing these questions to a friend.Anyway - to start, I grew up in Maryland. When I was 21, I moved to California for a job opportunity that I couldn't turn down, and fell in love with the culture on the west(best) coast.Before I moved, I was friends/acquantances with a girl, we'll call her Mary. Nothing serious, but we hung out with similar circles, our paths crossed. We knew each other, but didn't really know too much about each other. There was never a relationship, I was in what I thought to be a committed relationship at the time. Fast forward to about 4 months ago. I'm a relatively successful professional - own a home, have some investments, two dogs, a 'fun' vehicle and a 'mature' vehicle...I really enjoy life, but it's missing something. I've dated plenty, but there's always something - not always my decision, but always something that makes it not work out. Anyway, Mary looked me up, we started talking - still seemed to have similar interests. First two red flags popped up for me when she said she was still living at home with her mom, and then when she said she's working two entry level jobs. There were a couple things she said that probably should have clued me in earlier, but apparently, she lets her mom and the rest of her family walk all over her. She pays most of the bills, cooks, cleans, the bad parts of the cinderella story...As we talked, I mentioned she should come out for a fun weekend getaway, so we booked the trip and she came out. The time she spent here was definitely too brief. We clicked even more in person than what I expected. She was fun, lively, adventuresome, sexy, mature - it was truly an amazing weekend.While she was here, she talked about how great it was here, and how much fun she was having, and I reacted without thinking and mentioned that if she liked it so much, why didn't she move here. After she got back home, everything changed. Everything I say results in self-deprecation, why would you do this for ME, blah-blah-blah...night and day compared to while she was here, or anything we had talked about previously...completely different dynamic.If you've stuck with the story this far, let me clear the air - I mention the parts about my job and life situation not as an "I'm so well off" statement, more a qualitative statement of maturity, in comparison to where she's at in life. The more we talk now, the more I hear just how immature she is - mentally and emotionally. I also hear a LOT more about how much her family walks all over her. When I ask why she allows it, she starts crying, and the conversation ceases. So - I guess my question here - as impossible as it probably is, I'm hoping for some insight - what's changed? Was she always this way and didn't "show" that side of herself until now, because she feels more comfortable? Is she now much more emotionally invested and reacting to her emotions?While she was here, we slept together - and it was good - but for me, it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Is this the result of our newfound intimacy? Help me out...I'm regretting the mention of a move, and she's latched onto the idea, but I don't know I can follow-through if this is the "real" personality. At the same time, she seems so fragile, what happens when I tell her this? The fact that we can't have an adult conversation without it decaying into tears and awkward sobbing is really, truly frustrating. If it wasn't someone I've known for a long time, I'd have already cut it off, but I don't want to hurt her, if I can avoid it.Thanks for your honesty,Confused in Cali
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female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (16 May 2012):
 I'm not as confused as you are here buddy. Firstly, it was wrong for her to sleep with you. It was an act of desperation.If it wasn't,she wouldnt have turned into this whole different person. I understand you might not understand this because men and women approach sex differently. You being successful and intelligent requires you find a woman who possesses the same characteristics. Mary clearly doesnt. You will be unhappy with her. Again, you are on the west coast where there is plenty of attractive and successful women.If you think something is missing, I recommend you take weekend trips to other states to a) have an enjoyable time b) meet different types of females. Keep in mind youare at this age where youre gonna be looking for your potential wife. That means you need to be testing the women you are with...in a subtle way. And remember, its not only about a woman sleeping with you too early...it's how she carries herself AFTER she met your King Kong. Beware as you are seen as a catch (big house, big whip) and goldiggers will line up for you.
A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (16 May 2012):
I'm not as confused as you are here buddy. Firstly, it was wrong for her to sleep with you. It was an act of desperation.If it wasn't,she wouldnt have turned into this whole different person. I understand you might not understand this because men and women approach sex differently. You being successful and intelligent requires you find a woman who possesses the same characteristics. Mary clearly doesnt. You will be unhappy with her. Again, you are on the west coast where there is plenty of attractive and successful women.If you think something is missing, I recommend you take weekend trips to other states to a) have an enjoyable time b) meet different types of females. Keep in mind youare at this age where youre gonna be looking for your potential wife. That means you need to be testing the women you are with...in a subtle way. And remember, its not only about a woman sleeping with you too early...it's how she carries herself AFTER she met your King Kong. Beware as you are seen as a catch (big house, big whip) and goldiggers will line up for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2012): Hi, I am living with my mother and taking care of her full-time as she is elderly and has health problems, I also care for her financially. I can certainly see what you mean. When I am at home, I am responsible for everything, and it is very draining and I can't be myself because I am being responsible for everything here at home. When I get time away from home and from my family, I get to be myself, where I can concentrate on myself and do the things I want to do and need to do for myself without the pressure of the problems at home. Give it some time to get to know her, spend time with her in person. There is another way to look at it, she is a loving and caring woman, who takes responsibility seriously. It may be different to the responsibilities that you have, but they are responsibilities and no less than yours.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 May 2012):
 She may not have matured much since you left MA. After all you got to do the "adventure" and career part all on your own, SHE on the other hand is stuck in the caretaker role. So maybe at 16-20 she was a very mature girl BECAUSE she was a part caretaker then, but now she is still stuck there.
Why IS she taking care of her family ? Is someone sick or an invalid?
Also it is easy to look into her life and see her family take advantage of her, I'm betting it's harder to do anything about it because it is her family.
When she came to see you she let that "girl" who was stuck taking care of everyone at home. I think the girl you saw in CA was the part of her she WISH she could be 24/7, however she was also on "vacation" - Think, Spring Break, yea? While she spend a week-end with you it was (guessing here) easy enough for her to be "that" girl. No wonder she was totally different when she came home. She had "that other" girl to go home to.
I think she is both girls. The one you saw for a week-end and the one you "see" when she is home.
I do think you need to thread carefully here, I don't think she can stop taking care of her family.
Have you asked her what she would do if she could move out to CA? Work wise? Family wise? What IF the two of you don't work out relationship wise, then what? Where will she live?
I think you two need a LOT more time together before deciding on doing this. And I don't mean time on the computer, I mean face-to-face time. But all in all DO NOT do it out of pity for her. Do it because you think the two of you can make a go at it at some point.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (15 May 2012):
 Maybe her real personality is the one that she exhibited when she was with you and away from her family and their issues.
Understandable that you're tentative... perhaps invite her for another weekend or more so you can make a more informed decision?
That's the problem with being down-trodden for so long, it can result in that person developing a success barrier and feeling unworthy of anything or anybody that's perceived to be above that barrier. I wouldn't write her off just yet.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (15 May 2012):
 Hi john.doe.31,
I am from Cali myself :)
Honest opinion, I think she's a good person, but just have too much going on in her family life, which makes her this way, not sure what the problem is, sick family members? She's the only provider in the family? Who knows, can be so many reasons, but definitely she's weak emotionally, the fact that she cannot have a calm, mature talk without crying shows that she has serious problems in her life. I think she's showing this side of her to you, because she feels more comfortable with you and feels safe being honest, showing her true self. See, I don't like online dating, I don't trust people easily, just make sure she's not lying, meaning, maybe she doens't have problems, but just making you believe this way, so you'll feel sorry for her? Another thing, money... She sees you are a nice guy, doing ok in life, anyways just be careful. Not sure how long you've known each other, but I don't cry, tell my deepest secret, problems to friends. Depend on how long you know her, maybe too soon to cry and talk about problems?
Things you need to consider: you said you like her, had a great weekend, so much that you invited her to move out here? All is fine, but... Now that you know her personality, her problems? Can you handle?... Can you help her?.... You cannot be in a relationship, because in the beginning everything is great, and few months from now blame her for being negative, complaining, nagging, etc.... You know how she's, so you cannot blame her. I hope she's really the Cinderella, and have a happy ending. She needs a lot of emotional support, just make sure you can be available for her, other than that everything seems fine.
Best wishes and good luck!
Ps: I know it feels strange and silly to ask questions here, but you'll be amaze how many good advice you can get...
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