A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I met when he joined my co-ed fraternity. I rarely talk about my private life to others, so naturally I did not mention that my ex is in my fraternity. A couple months ago, he found out and was extremely hurt. He said that although I didn't lie, I wasn't being honest either. Long story short, he forgave me and we worked it out.I know he has been hurt all this time, just less and less, or so I thought. I just found out he has been talking to one of our guy friends in our fraternity about my ex and I. I was very disappointed with my bf and our friend when I found out. I'm disappointed in my bf for secretly talking about me with someone else. I'm disappointed in my friend, who was my good friend first, for talking about me and MY past. Our friend is best friends with my ex. But they would never talk about me, my ex and I, or our history if my ex and I were present. After I found out, I asked my boyfriend about it and he defended our friend. I was so hurt that he took his side and protected him, intsead of me. But after we calmed down a bit, he confessed that he was wrong and he apologized deeply. He said that he was planning to tell me in due time, but the situation became very messy because I found out on my own. He said he regrets hurting me, but he could not control his curiosity. The more he found out, the more curious he was, the more hurt he felt. And he feels jealous comparing himself to my ex. For example, many people in our frat think my ex is very rich, although I know he isn't. Our friend told my boyfriend this and he felt bad, feeling he can't be as good to me. Although I'm still disappointed with my boyfriend, I reassured him that I loved him and that my past is the past.I'm disappointed but I love my boyfriend and understand him. He has apologized a lot for hurting me, and said that he will work hard to regain my trust. We promised to try our best to trust one another from now on. He promised to always protect me, take care of me, and be on my side from now on. I'm hurt but I love my boyfriend. What should I do to make our relationship better? I feel that his curiosity and comparing with my ex is something HE needs to work on, but what can I do to help? I don't want our ex to be apart of OUR relationship. How can I make my boyfriend feel loved? I know I made a mistake by not being honest in the beginning, but what should we do now? Did I forgive him too easily?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): You cannot just "make it go away" because this is a trust issue. You damaged his trust by keeping this from him. (Anyone in his position would expect to be told about it.) Once trust is broken it is very difficult to repair.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 May 2012):
 I don't want our ex to be apart of OUR relationship.
TELL your Bf just that. That your ex is in your past that you are DONE with.
I can understand why your BF questioned the fact that you never told him your ex was in your fraternity too. And I do understand why he was curious. As well as why you felt hurt when he went behind your back to learn more. I think he just didn't understand why your ex was such a "secret".
My best advice it to TALK to your BF. "Be honest, be open.
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