A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Sex is great when we have it, we just don't have it that often. We have sex maybe once a week to appease me. That's not what I want and how I want it. I want him to want it/me. He says he does when questioned but he does not show it and does not say it. Besides, I feel hurt because I was rejected so many times. We've talked about it. By now he knows exactly what works and so do I. I decided to give him a break. No talking, no showing him that I am interested in sex. The thing is I only managed to do it by supressing my sexuality which makes my life dull. I loose playfullness innate to me, I don't smile. I become not me and depressed. But at least I don't feel like I am putting myself through hot and cold everyday. SO he said that we should have a date night today. Which is lovely because I tried to introduce that, this is his first time trying... . The thing is I don't want him near me. I want him to get an idea what being rejected by a wife feels like. I never rejected him (and there were times when he took me by surprise). What hurts me the most is not the fact that he does not want sex when I want but when he sees when I put effort into organizing something romantic and showing obvious signs of arousal he can coldly say:" No, tomorrow." And tomorrow he forgets about it.I want to blow him off tonight. Because I want him to feel hurt. (I know it's stupid but if he does not experience it he won't know what he put me through so many times.) And to be very honest, I don't want to get hot tonight and then turn into a nun until the time he comes up with another grand idea. Hot and cold does not work for me, keeping the fire even does. What should I do about tonight's date night? All I want right now is to get in bed and cry. I don't want any sex, I am fed up with it.
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male
reader, Asexy +, writes (3 January 2008):
 Hey anon. Just a couple of things.
Get into counseling. If he won't go, go without him. You can't continue to bury so much of who you are to go along with his lack of drive. But the two of you are on a disconnect right now -- the only way to connect is to find someone neutral who knows what questions to ask to keep either of you from getting defensive and closing up.
It doesn't sound like Viagra will work with him. All Viagra does is allow the blood-flow that will make the organ work. You take it, and then provide the STIMULUS. If he doesn't have any desire, then he won't be providing the stimulus. He could take it and then work through it without noticing a difference. (That's what happened with me.)
Have you thought about watching porn WITH HIM? Purchase something that is COUPLE-friendly ( http://www.blowfish.com has some good stuff, and I've ordered from them and like their discretion). Maybe you can find some stuff to help your solo-sex life, too, taking the pressure off both of you.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSweetheart,
I know how you feel and what you are going through. My advice, leave him alone and don't focus on sex for now. There is something he is going through and he has to make his mind regarding you, you and him... . If you can, move out and live with your mom. It could be just a phase with him. There is nothing you can do right now. What you can do is not to make it worse. Give your guy peace and quiet and hopefully he will want to make things better between two of you. It has to come from him.
And please don't get pregnant until things improve.
Right now is not a good time to talk to him about children because he feels the relationship is strained.
I hope to hear from you soon.
L
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): Hello. I am a 26 year old female. My husband and i got married almost 4 months ago. My husband rejects me when i try and seduce him. We probally have sex once a month if that. I have held this hurt inside for too long....i know that this is not and cannot be normal. I have tried talking to him about it...he always says that we are going to "work" on it. But then it doesnt change. I can be laying right beside him butt naked masterbating with my toy and it gets no response from him....im so confused. And i am definately getting very tired of solo sex. I dont really know what the problem can be...is he cheating? maybe he is afraid im going to get pregnant? He knows how important having a baby is to me and he knew this before he married me. I have actually confronted him about the possiblity that he is avoiding sex with me because he doesnt want to have another child (he has two from a previous marriage) and he completely denies it. so i dont know??? I just dont know what to do...it really hurts to be rejected by my husband. I feel so undesirable. please help me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): Sorry, anon, looks like there was a glitch on our part, here. It is two posts on the same page. Computer error. I would just say to you that tit for tat and paybacks, etc., don't usually serve any purpose in a relationship but to worsen the problem. Don't let yourself fall into it. I know it may be tempting, but if he really does do something nice and lets you know he does still feel romantic and wants to be intimate, do not reject it. And do try to have some mature talks with him about how you have been feeling. He may be having some problems or worries he doesn't talk about. Men's work problems can affect their sexual/romantic feelings. More than most women understand. Get him to talk. You may have to coax it out, but do it gently. You could come to understand a lot more. Best wishes, Tom
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for staying on the line :)
I'm at my lowest point it seems. The one thing I still do well is I exercise and eat well. Health is very important, dear friends. At least, I was able to retain my self-esteem. Not sure about my integrity. Rebuilding... .
One more update: We have not had sex since the "failed" THU date night. He just AIMed me saying that maybe we should "heat up the bed". I asked him why, he said:"Why not." Then I said :"Lingerie or candles, etc.?" And he said:"Just you." And I said:"Well, then I shall surprise you."
I will keep you updated.
Dear peoriaman, if you are here helping the rest of us, why aren't you with your wife rebuilding?! It seems like you took a nice break and maybe it's about time to start claiming what you want which is a happy marriage and a happy sex life one brick at a time by trial and error. You are still together. You can safely give it up when you are no longer together but not until then. Something still keeps you together. That something little is huge -- it's LOVE between two people who have been through ups and downs so many times. That means something too. My little advice, step over you ego and get down to work. Take break, get out and smell the flowers. Take your wife with you on those walks through nature. I wish you and your wife the best.
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A
female
reader, tulipdame +, writes (20 October 2007):
I'd say the problem is the porn addiction.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJohnnyA,
supressing does not work. I failed miserably earlier today. I was chopping cabbage in the kitchen and ended up chopping the entire head, then trowing pieces all over the kitchen floor and crying in the bath tab for the next hour.
But as a result, we talked again and he shed some light:
1. I never hurt his feelings so he had no reason to punish me.
2. He does not think about sex or wants/ needs it as much so he cannot relate to how I feel.
3. He jokingly mentioned viagra which made me think that he always had a low sex drive. If it was up to him, I am convinced and have evidence he would have sex with me only once a month.
4. He never cheated on me.
5. He is addicted to porn and online cam. Considering his low sex drive that is a safe venue to take. Also, he mentioned that he was looking forward to watch porn with me. (I think he really misses it because after I discovered his secretly watching it, I think he's been trying not to do it.)
6.When we argue he does not say: "Baby, I love you and will make up to you." Instead, he says:"If you keep talking about it, we may not have any sex in the future." Well, only person who does not need it will say it.
It seems to me, he is well aware of his problem but hides it. Because anytime I question him he has a)No answers, NADA. b)blames it on me saying that all we talk about is sex. And that I make him believe that all I want is sex.
7. And yes he had a ton of women in the past. Most of them from his stories were unavailable and he saw them at most once a week. And I remembered the story he once said of his gf. When they went to see his parents and staied there, she met a guy on a street and got his phone no. Then she phoned him from his parents house and they later met and stayed together at the hotel. Which resonated with me because we could be going to his parents for a week and he would be never interested in sex. Sometimes I wish I had a phone no to call...
That's my update.
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A
male
reader, Johnny A. +, writes (19 October 2007):
I'm the guy who has the same problem that you do (or did). First off, thanks for the response to my question.
But here's what I'm wondering...is supressing your sexual desires worth it? I mean if you want sex daily, for example, but you only get it monthly, aren't you setting a presedence by saying "well, this is what I want, and this is what I get, so I guess I should be happy with it and MAYBE you'll come around and we can come to a compromise, eventually"?
What about YOUR needs? Why do YOU have to compromise yourself and your desires? Isn't that what relationships are supposed to be about? Compromise? Well if you're the only one compromising, it sounds like a one-way street.
And that's where I am...feeling like I'm always chasing after her, and she doesn't care. I want to reject her, so she can see how it feels, but I don't have it in me to hurt her. So because I'm a nice guy, I can't hurt her the way she hurts me. It's all a silly game, it seems.
And really, if I got laid tonight, I'm sure my answer would be different tomorrow, but I'm still on the "3 week hiatus" from sex. So I'm bitter, and see no hope. Judging from your last post, you do see some hope, so I wish you the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your help.
Whatever I did or did not do worked. He is soooo happy this morning. I am happy too because other person's happiness is infectious. I figured right now the best thing we can do for each other is to avoid sex altogether, it's a very touchy subject.
I will try to love him so he knows and feels it. I will try to praise him for what he does for me (he asked me to do that). I will try to stop any sexual advances or complaints and will patiently wait for him to open up emotionally. Yea, I figure our problem has nothing to do with his inability to perform in bed, it's his desire or lack there of to put any effort into it is the problem.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (19 October 2007):
 I think you need to ask him why he asked if you still loved him. And I think you need to ask the same question to him. I think that if this sort of thing keeps happening, you two really ought to consider going to couples counseling. (It already sounds like it's happening too much, so I would honestly talk about attending counseling with him right now.)
Did you take any of the advice that was offered to you yesterday?
Well, the good news is that it still sounds like he cares about you if he was at least being touchy feely and commenting how you looked good.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
To satisfy your curiosity, here's and update to our date night:
We went out to a very lovely restaurant. He put effort into dressing up, so did I. I wore a black leather skirt and shoes on high heels. He did notice that and said that I looked nice. We ate and talked about politics and other neutral subjects. Then out of blue he asked me if I loved him.
We walked back to the car, he was holding my hand. We got home. He got in bed with me at the same time. Caressed my back and and and and said that he was so full (a clear signal that there won't be any sex.) I realized I was nervous and worried for nothing. We fell asleep our bodies intertwined.
I woke up with tears in my eyes and numb. What's my next move?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you everybody for your help. The reason why I am here is to hear words of hope and to understand how I am sabotaging this relationship. I just don't know how to turn things around. The only thing that I have not tried is to show complete disinterest in him and sex.
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (18 October 2007):
How sad. So many guys would love having a wife like you. I don't see how your plan will work. He might just get mad and less affectionate, if that be possible. I'd say keep searching for new ways to get him in the mood. Never give up that lovingly playfulness you have.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007): To clarify:
he gets aroused easily, he just does not have a problem to push me away because he is never in the mood. The only time he is in a mood is the day he comes home after a week long trip, but the very next day all goes back to predictable "not in a mood", "don't come near me with your sexual advances" to the point that I don't even touch him or say anything sexual EVER. And when we have sex it takes him awhile to have an orgasm and sometimes it takes him so long that he decids to stop in the middle of it altogether. I even told him once to break our session into 3 or 4 and I won't ever complain.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (18 October 2007):
"stina, take what you see on TV with a grain of salt, they are trying to make money." Oh, I agree. I've worked in advertising - the whole process and all of the exaggerations/lies can be ridiculous and extremely frustrating. I sometimes wanted to go and post anonymous messages everywhere stating not to believe the ads for Xxxx company!" It's a horrible business to be in if you have a conscience, actually.
Main point to question asker: it *may* be medical. Talk to your husband and find out whether or not this is the case. Then, if it is, he should be evaluated by a doctor.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (18 October 2007):
I can't look up "erectile dysfunction" at work (lol) but I've heard enough about it from people here and on television to think that it's a real problem. But if anyone is unsure of a medical problem - whether it be ED or whatever - then it's always best to consult a doctor. If it does turn out to be psychological, then you can always ask to be referred to a psychologist. If it's not, I've seen too many ads on tv for the medication, so that's available, too. ^_^
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A
male
reader, Asexy +, writes (18 October 2007):
I think this would be a mistake. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. The two of you need dialog, and lots of it. If you start down this road, rather than start trying to work on coming to a negotiated agreed-to compromise about your sex live, you will continue to feel unloved and abandoned, until you don't want to be in the marriage anymore. Talk to him. If you can, see a counselor together. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (18 October 2007):
(Also, I've noticed that there have been quite a few posts on here about erectile dysfunction. Maybe your husband pushes sex to the side because he's too embarassed to talk about his problem. That's something you may want to consider and try to gently bring up with him. Hopefully you can manage to get it out of him instead of straight up ask him. I can imagine that would be humiliating!)
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (18 October 2007):
Hi Anonymous,
I don't have much to add to this, but I do want to say that I don't think it'd be a good idea to reject your husband on the date tonight. I think you should do the total opposite - go out, have a blast, show him how much fun you two can have together outside of and in the bed. Make it a memorable night! Make him realize what he's missing. Have you considered taking a weekend trip somewhere to get the romance back into your lives? I don't know where you live, but you could try to Ceasar Poconos Resorts. They're lots of fun - and there are always deals.
Also, I'm wondering if your guy is taking any meds? Sometimes medication can really make someone's system out of whack and totally throw libido out the window. If he is on meds, see what the side effects are - his actions may not entirely be his fault. He may need to book an appointment at the doctor's office.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, tulipdame +, writes (18 October 2007):
I'd reject him and tell him exactly how you feel right now, just like you are saying it here: it's better to have nothing.You need to be reassured that he still loves you, that's what's important - not even so much the sex. Don't mean to throw coal into the fire, but I'd be wondering if he's cheating.. or gay... or stressed out with work.. or has some sexual problems he's afraid to admit? Stop pushing him because that definately won't help anything and see what his needs are and his feelings are.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you.
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