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anonymous
writes:Is this a red flag or nothing at all?I found a college friend on Facebook. He's 57 and I'm 52. Looks as if by his profile he's a nice normal guy. Loves animals. Not a million pictures of himself. Nor a million 'friends'. Posts insightful things. We spoke on the phone a few nights ago. Very good conversation. Lot's of catching up after 30 years. He messaged back and said he loved talking to me. Here's the one unusual thing:Of his 312 FB friends, an inordinate amount of them are young women. I mean in the 20-30 year old range. They pose like models. Some very provocative. In their pages they are posing in bikinis, leaning their bodies toward the camera, etc. (some of them have 5000+ 'friends' so I don't know if he knows them personally or not)Is this a red flag?How should I approach the subject if he wants to proceed talking to me? Or should I just ask him what his intentions are towards me, and if it is 'friends' then I wouldn't have to mention anything.I admittedly don't have much self confidence left, after a lifetime of rejection, but I know I'm a quality person, even if I'm not looking like these 'models' at age 52. But I do not know how I could draw close to a man who looks at pix of young women.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): I haven't changed my position on my first post. He's a mature man who is single right now. He is very active in posting to Facebook, and sounds like a big flirt and a charmer. Asking people on DC if he is relationship material; is difficult to assess when no one here has ever met him.You have; and you are apparently interested. I guess it depends more important on how you feel about him, than our opinions. If you're uncomfortable with his flirtatious nature; then don't attach your feelings. I suggest that you take your time and just enjoy company; and stop seeking a relationship with a man who obviously makes you uncomfortable with his selection of pictures and flirtations.I see no evidence by anything you've said thus far; that he is even pursuing you, other than you exchange communications by social media. It might be easily assumed by your post that he's chatting and communicating with different women. He doesn't seem to be serious about anyone.In my opinion, he is far from the type of man for a woman who doesn't have much self-esteem, and problems with rejection.Perhaps he is more than you can handle. He might be better off with a woman who has powerful self-confidence, a high self-esteem, and a stronger personality. That type of woman may be able to handle an outgoing guy like him. His ways would not intimidate that type of woman. She'd be a handful for him. That doesn't mean you can't form a warm friendship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionKC12- Thank you so much. Yours is the most spot on interpretation yet. Yes, I would like to know if he's a relationship/marriage sort of guy. No, it's not appropriate to mention anything at all concerning this unless he tries to move our conversations from friendly to more than that. I am however, after him calling me for the 3rd time, getting a clearer picture. I know he works midnights and says he 'has no social life'. I do believe he has some sort of 'taste' for BEAUTIFUL women. He's mentioned my best college friend and how beautiful she was/is. And a couple other in his words 'cuties' from college band. Here's where I think it's taken a turn for me though. A few days ago he "LIKED" a post on FB, which I assume got put on all his friends pages- as on mine and on my beautiful, married friend's page as well. It was a post of 'soft porn'. If any of you are interested in viewing it, here it is. I AM NOT condoning the viewing of this- only as information about the type of material he is 'liking'. WARNING it is for mature viewers (IMO) {Link removed by moderator}I am a respectful adult woman and I don't appreciate seeing this on my page. (I click on all of his stuff, as a matter of course. He usually posts touching pet stories, humorous posts, intellectual material or funny/weird stuff) I thought it was going to be some kind of joke or satire, but it was not. So, we have 15% hot young women pseudo FB friends.Comments about the beautiful girls from college and a post of 'soft porn'. EVERYTHING else about him seems mature, respectful and genuine. Any posters care to reassess their opinions or anything?
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reader, KC12 +, writes (31 October 2013):
 I think what you're really trying to say here is "is he serious relationship material?". (I think that's the point some others here may have missed).Given what you said about his FB activities, I can totally understand your questioning this. A guy with that many pinup girl FB friends that he may or may not interact with in real life certainly shows a guy who is not ready for a relationship and/or commitment phobic. I would converse with him a few more times--as a friend--and then see where it goes. It could only be that he's looking at those girls because he's not in a relationship and/or is lonely, and looking for the right person...and as soon as he finds one then he'll rid his fb friend list of the wannabe playmates, and finds a real girl. Then again, it could be that he's a real creepo and likes checking out women who are young enough to be his daughter. ;) LOL Like I said, too soon to tell...but a few in-depth conversations can help you find out what you need to know about this guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2013): If he is single - not married and not in a relationship - then I see nothing wrong with him having a lot of FB friends who are young hot women. They are most likely not real friends as in people he spends time with one on insinuate real life. If a guy is single and it boosts his ego then why not? He isn't your bf (yet) so this is ok for him to do.
However if you and him are dating and he still keeps these young hot women as his FB friends then I think here's a problem...
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the numerous and diverse perspectives.
The percentage of young women is about 15%.
He only has about 300 friends.
I am ONLY trying to get a perspective of the possible future.
I am not delusional, nor desperate.
After some initial messages via FB, he asked for my number.
The phone conversation was about 2 hrs. (but there was a lot of ground to cover since college)
Last night he called again. It was about 1hr +
The tone was not 'flirty' nor 'unemotional'.
I am willing to see if HE takes it in another direction, but not counting on it.
My life plan is going to stay in tact. I'm going to move out of FL to CO. And any man that I encounter on that path would have to be agreeable to that. I know that is a very 'tall order' so I am not expecting to find anyone.
The one thing I cannot afford is to wait. For anyone. At my age, I need to live out my dream...while I can.
Thank you all!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): Seriously aunts? If my 55 year old boyfriend friended hundreds of young women in bikinis on FB, I'd hightail it out of the relationship.
In your case I would not even consider a serious relationship with this man.
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reader, Sara_the_Slytherin +, writes (23 October 2013):
 Whoa tiger, you just reconnected with him! Maybe something could develop between the two of you, but I think you might want to slow down a tad. Haven't you heard ''Fools rush in'' to a relationship? I'm not saying you're a fool, but I think that you need to remember that it's not a serious relationship YET and you need to just let things happen naturally.
It sounds to me like you're feeling down about yourself and your self-esteem could use a boost. Perhaps talking to a counselor would help. Or you could talk to a PLATONIC guy friend about this self-esteem situation. Perhaps a makeover, or new hairstyle, clothes, a health club membership would provide a much needed self-esteem pick-me-up. I think that's good advice. I hope so! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2013): "Friending" on FB is meaningless in most cases. People may find you interesting for a moment, and soon lose you in a blitz of other pics, profiles, and personalities. He has never met any of these young women. They certainly haven't met 5000 men. If you look good in a bikini or a speedo; a lot of people want to be your friend. He's single and an older guy. He's not dead. If a few cuties have sent him pictures in bikinis, they're just having fun with an older-guy they think is getting a thrill. They're right. He is.They may also like his commentary, and he has built a fan-club based on that alone.If you have issues about rejection, you'll be oversensitive to the comparisons of what other women have that you don't.You'll always put yourself on the losing end, when matching age to youthful appearance. Do like he does, dismiss the age and enjoy the attention you're getting. In spite of your age.Don't approach the subject at all. He owes you no explanations. You know all there is to know.You're being presumptuous and petty. That's sabotaging all possibilities by showing your insecurities before he even gets a chance to appreciate those good qualities you do possess. Don't assume you have anything between you, until you have solid evidence. Just enjoy things as they come. Stop over-thinking everything. Desperation often makes us put the cart before the horse; when it comes to meeting someone of a romantic interest. Aging makes people needy and feel less sensual or attractive. Not my cougar friends. They feel as sexy and attractive as any other female walking in $300.00 stilettos. We're both mature enough to know that ladies in their 20's and 30's, who look good in their bathing suits; don't workout for aging older men. Unless they possess muscular bank accounts. An older-guy can have the body of Adonis; but he still has to have a bank account to match. If he's over 50, and still chasing bikini-clad girlies. He's no fool at that age. He knows his limitations and their motives.They don't appreciate older men for the same reasons you do; and make more demands than he might be physically able to deliver. Your friend is most certainly aware of that, and just basking in the attention just for the fun of it.
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reader, Brokenv  +, writes (22 October 2013):
I think you are seeing this more than it is. FB is just another silly connection to people you really don't know. Maybe he is one of those guys that friends everyone. I don't do that. But I guys AND GIRLS who do. Even if he is looking at the pictures of these girls....who cares.
You are only talking to him. Are you planning on dating? I think you are over thinking this right now. I think you need to take this one step at a time. Who knows maybe he has low self esteem and having these girls on FB makes him feel better about himself.
Good Luck!
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 October 2013):
 One of my friends is a personal trainer and has been a competitive figure body builder. She has a lot of friends who are into fitness and are in their 20s-30s. They pose in bikinis and lean toward the camera. They are trainers, body builders and gym rats. It's what they do. What does he do?
I would want to know more about his life than a simple snapshot on FB. What has he been doing? Has he had relationships? Children? Where has his career led him?
The age difference of 57 and 52 is 5 years, so you would have been a freshman and he was a senior in college? I guess you didn't know him all that well then either?
You are way out ahead of things. As So Very Confused pointed out, you've had one phone conversation and already need guidance in managing his FB friends?
I would let things develop and then decide if you want to be talking to him at all.
In the meantime, focus on your low self-esteem and feelings of rejection. Get on top of that. I am 53 and will never be 20 or 30 or 40 again. But thank goodness I am 53 and had the chance to be 20 and 30 and 40 and with any damn luck, I'll be 60 then 70 then 80 (family history looks good) and maybe *gasp* 90?
I worry for you that you are putting a lot of effort into checking him out online but haven't dealt with your low self-esteem. And that you are getting out ahead of yourself here.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 October 2013):
 you found him on facebook
you've had ONE conversation and already you are wondering about having a relationship with him?
slow your row....
if you do not know if you could be close to a man who looks at the pictures of young women then he is NOT the man for you.
Because it's probable all he's doing is looking....
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2013): I would not be happy! Im 48 and this would be a red flag for me. I see where you are coming from totally. It would put me right off. Listen to your instincts.
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reader, Denise32 +, writes (22 October 2013):
 That he looks at pictures of beautiful young women is nothing at all. It would be vastly different if he was actually meeting and dating some of them!
I wouldn't "approach the subject" at all unless he wants to meet you in person. There isn't anything between you, after all, so until and unless you and he start dating it's not important. Well, THEN you might casually ask/comment on all those women when you are dating regularly.
As things now stand you and he are just talking on the phone. It's not time to ask him what his intentions are - that would be jumping the gun and might possibly put him off - don't go there!
Wait and see what, if anything, develops between the two of you is my advice!
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