A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I know that women have since the beginning of time been hard for men to understand but I keep having a relationship with this girl who baffles me. I wanted to ask you, Wise Agony Aunts, if this is "normal" female behavior or whether it is unusual. Here is one recent example. Please note that this is TYPICAL of all our encounters. This girl I know, who is stunningly beautiful, is not interested in me romantically. We have been sort of friends for a while. I had been doing some art work for her, some graphics. She called me several times over the weekend to meet with me. She also sent me an email. She seemed very eager. She had started taking acting classes and had texted me that she wanted to tell me about them. She I said we could meet yesterday, last night. She texted me throughout the day to confirm. I texted her back a confirmation.When I was going to be late to the Dunkin Donuts where we were supposed to meet, I texted her and said I would be 5 minutes late. She texted me back that she did not leave her house yet and could I pick her up. She lives on a busy street, where it is hard to wait for anyone, so I said, ok, but please come down right away. When I got there, she was not down, and I waited for her amid honking from angry drivers who were mad that I was blocking the street. I texted her to come down. She said 1 minute and came down several minutes later. I asked her why she was not down already. After all, she should have been ready for our meeting. She just laughed and said she was waiting for the elevator.When we got to Dunkin Donuts, she expected me to pay for everything. I always do this, and it is ok (it was not much), but it struck me as strange this time because she invited me to met her. But ok, fine.Then I started asking about her acting classes. She got impatient and snapped that it was not important. She then began to cry. I began playing 20 questions with her to find out what was wrong. Finally, I hit upon the reason, which was that she felt she could not pay for them. I wondered to myself why it was upsetting her now (she had known about the cost for a while), and why she did not want to talk about it when she had been so excited about it before. She then asked me about the graphics I had been working on for her. I hesitated in talking about it, because I was put off by her crying. She said, "Well if you don't want to talk about the Web site, then I will go home.""I'll talk about the graphics, but not just now," I said. "I don't know what's going on."She calmed down, and we had a decent conversation where she talked about the acting school anyway. And eventually I talked about the graphics. We then got into my car and I took her home. In the car, she asked about helping her out with some money for an upcoming trip she was planning on taking. I had done it in the past. But I did not feel so comfortable now. I hesitated and talked about some issues I had with giving money to her in the past. She asked me if I would think about it. I demurred. She then became very cold and distant. "I am sorry for asking you," she said."Are you angry?" I asked."I'm not at all," she smiled. "Good night." She waved to me, smiling again, from her door.So...Many of our interactions are like this. I never know what is bothering her, what sets her off, etc.I tried to write this all down from my perspective as objectively as I can. But given my lack of experience with women, I am genuinely confused:What was going on with her?What was she thinking?What is her feeling about me?Am I being insensitive, dense, dumb?**Is this frustration I feel about trying to understand her what is going on normal?**I appreciate all feedback. Thank you very much for your time and insight.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your feedback. Each response was very helpful and has given perspective on the past and the future.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): I would not endure this if I was having sex with her. Sounds like you aren't.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 January 2011):
 Women anonymous, who are you? Send me a message. I think we can have a nice discussion on this subject :-).
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy  +, writes (13 January 2011):
She's a manipulative shrew. Sorry to be so harsh, but I call 'em as I see 'em. Stop kissing her rear end. Better yet, drop her altogether and find a friend who values you for you. Not for what you can spend on them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): No not all women are like this!
But...a lot of women are. It depends if they were raised to be daddy's little princess where they learn how to use their emotionality and displays of emotion to get what they want from their parents.
Such girls grow up to do this to their boyfriends or well-meaning guy friends.
NOT all women are like this! Women who have healthier self esteems and are much less emotional and more grounded, who were raised as kids to have to work for what they want rather than cry to get what they want, will tend to be more direct if they want to say something, or if they feel like they can't say something then they will just shut up and not say it but not be playing these weird games.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (13 January 2011):
 Her behaviour is totally normal from a woman who is using you for emotional and financial support, and general attention. I don't know what your relationship is, that you should be/should have been lending her money and paying for things, but I guess she wanted you to pay for the acting school, too. She probably had a vague thought that you might offer to pay when you saw how upset she was but also heard how much she liked the acting and wanted to do it. You have also previously suggested to her that you will pay for a trip. You say you have also given her money.
Look, it takes two to tango ... she might be accepting loans, etc, from you (which sure, will probably never be paid back) - but you have been offering/permitting this. Surely you must realise that part of her relationship with you was you supporting her? Probably, actually, a lot of that relationship. I don't know how long you've known each other, but you obviously like hanging out with her because she is beautiful, and it feels good, even if it is a bit expensive ... this is actually a very common relationship type, where you have a very attractive, unattainable woman with a man as a friend who laps up her company, knows he will never have her, but still enjoys kind of having her - having her call/text/meet him, and, in some way, seem to need him.
And sure, yes, you pay for the donuts, you pay for the trip, you pay for the acting class. Because without that, she wouldn't be your 'friend'. I'm sorry to be so blunt about it, but I can't quite believe you haven't had an inkling about the dynamics of your friendship. But everything costs something, in one way or another. You are right to be feeling perplexed and uncomfortable about the 'lending', and you will find out one way or the other how much of a friend you really are if you stop lending the money.
But don't kid yourself that she has just been taking and you have been getting nothing, as you know that isn't quite true.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): she's being manipulative. Obviously in the past she has succeeded in taking advantage of you so she's of course gonna keep doing it. She's trying to get money out of you but not just by coming out and asking directly but by first setting you up to find it difficult to refuse her. She was setting the stage with drama so that you will feel so bad for her that you will feel guilty about not lending/giving her money when she eventually says that's what she wants.
And you wonder why she's taking acting classes!!
It's one thing if people want to be private and not share their personal thoughts and feelings. But obviously she does so then she could come right out and be direct instead of behaving weird like refusing to say anything, only to get irritable and then break down in tears. She needs to get a handle on her emotions.
Since you know that this is her personality, you should in future ask her point blank what's up. If she still plays hard to get then you should drop the subject and pretend like it's no big deal to you, instead of continuing with the 20 questions trying to coax the issue out of her. That's exactly what she wants you to do - she's trying to get YOU to be the one invested in her problems. So next time when she starts to act all weird ask her to be direct and say what she needs to say and if she mumbles about it being nothing then you likewise drop the subject as if it really is nothing.
or else you should distance yourself from her because people like these can really wreck havoc on your emotions by making you so confused about where you stand with them or what they want from you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 January 2011):
 I agree with Daniel.
She sees you as someone she can hit on for a "loan," the kind of "loan" that never gets repaid. Take the finances out of the equation, and that includes your unpaid labor on the graphics, and I'll bet she'll simply drop you from her life. You could try a little test to see. Or create a work order, a contract or an invoice for her to sign off on if you are doing work for her. Explain that you will need to start charging for your time. I have no doubt she will go *poof* and simply vanish from your life, after telling you that you should know full well she has no money.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (12 January 2011):
I'm not sure if you are, were, or were trying to be in a relationship with this woman. Apparently you are not, but obviously you've been in contact for some time. But what you describe is just an example of someone trying to press as much as she can out of you. Apparently she was able to squeeze more in the past, and now the lemon has lost the juice or is resenting being pressed.
I hope you're charging her for the artwork, because web sites are expensive to make. If she is a business contact (which is unlikely to be the case), then she's abusing you: you had an appointment which she did not honor; she made you pick her up; she made you wait and left hell fall on you; then she didn't pay; then she asked for money, in the hope she would get money again. Wow!
Whether this is a business or a romantic interest, I would recommend that you open your eyes and don't let this woman trample on you. That is what she is doing.
I'm afraid that you don't understand her because you have sort of blocked that part of your understanding that warns you about bad people. I guess you love her, but she doesn't love you.
I bet my copy of the Communist Manifesto (just in case) that you will not see much of this girl the minute you refuse to give her stuff.
Find someone else. I bet you can easily find someone much better thant his one.
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