A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm just looking for advice. Im 28 and hes 46 been together for 6yrs... married 1yr. Not sure i wanted to get married. But he was pushing me. asking me everyday when we getting married. Then one day he says will you please just pick a day. So I did. And 2 months later we where married. Im not happy. Have not been. Im going to admit that im in a comfort zone sure. When we first got together he was not like he is now. It change after the first 2yrs together. And got worse after we got married He is a very jealous person. not saying im not. for example.. Im very close to my family so if i want to hang out with my sister he gets very upset. he makes me feel like i need to ask to go there or anywhere for that matter. And then on my way there i need to call when i get there and he calls who knows how many times after when im there. Like i might be doing something wrong. My mom made my wedding dress so i had to go there a few times to get fitted for it and boy he got mad cause i had to go there so much. is it normal for for me to feel like i need to ask to go places? Even when i run to the store i have to call when i get there. Yes i have told him about everything im writing about. But still does not seem to help.. Maybe for aweek or so. and then back to his normal self. I have not got many friends left because i always say i cant go out with them.... Even if im off of work for a day i can go somewhere just have to back by the time he gets home from work or he gets mad. And i have to have the house work done before he gets home. So after i get off work i have to rush to clean up any mess there might be. Next problem im having trouble with is.... Sex. He has to have it once a day or he gets really mad. Even if im sick in bed he has to have it.He even wants to watch me be with someone else. And i will not do that! and he says im no fun, and im to live a little. well to me thats not living. I like to have sex with him but thats all it is. Does not feel like love. and alot of the time its just something else i need to do before i go to bed.I just feel like im his toy sometimes cause im young. He has gained alot of weight since we've met. Im 135lbs and hes 300lbs. So maybe hes scared to lose me? I dont know. I did get the balls to tell him everything and i did tell him i dont love him but he replyed by telling me to get out. and then when i left he got mad cause i was gone so long with out calling him back. and he cryed for me to come back. So that made me feel bad so i went back, Hes been married 2 times before me and has a 6yr old a 18 yr old and 19 yr old. And the 18 yr old lives with us. And i know thats hard on me aswell. cause hes just like his father. I just dont know what to do. Im not happy and everytime im home i want to leave. and i get a lump in my throat cause im wanting to do more with my life, I always have to do what he wants me to do.... lets say we are watching tv and hes done watching and wants to get on the internet well i have to do that aswell. Or if hes sleepy and wants to go to bed I have to be there to. Yes i have my flaws to. But im just over whelmed by all this. And he says im crazy to think what i think and on cloud 9 and living in lala land. Any advice would be great. And to the people on here saying im complaining dont reply to me if you feel this way!!! Thanks for any advice,
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jealous, the internet, trapped, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the advice It really helped me.
A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (16 January 2011):
 good for you leaving hopefully it gives you the space to focus in what you want and need and since you say your feelings havent chamged and you dont love him why would you want to go back into a loveless house? If you dont love him your better off without him otherwise you'll be living a lie to yourself.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (16 January 2011):
good for you for leaving!
It's possible that right now, in the moment, he is truly and honestly wanting to change. But actually following through on it is a whole other story! once you are back in the house, and he's no longer in begging/pleading mode, do you know how hard it is for ingrained patterns of behavior to be reversed!!
If you did want to go back to him, I would suggest insisting he go with you to couples therapy, not just take him at his word that he will change - even if he is sincere in wanting to, actually sticking with it day after day after day, is a totally different story.
However the other issue is YOUR FEELINGS. it's completely understandable that you don't love him or want to be with him after all he did to you, and also the fact that you didn't even realyl want to get married in the first place.
If you don't have feelings for him, then going back to him just cos he's begging and pleading is simply continuing the manipulative cycle of you doing things you don't want to do, but because he wants it. That would defeat the purpose of leaving him.
Since you state with clarity now that you don't love him, then I would say don't go back to him. Because what's the point of going back to someone you don't love?
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (15 January 2011):
 of course he is gutted that you have left. anyone would be especially in the early days of the split. but after the way he has treated you, he does not deserve to be the one who calls the shots on this. he still obviously wants to be in control, every step of the way.
give yourself time to think and give HIM time to think too. the automatic reaction when someone retaliates and leaves us for our bad behaviour is to start saying 'i'll change! i'll change!'
you know part of the reason he is panicking now is because he has lost his control over you. while you are not with him he has no say over where you go, what you do, and more importantly: any men you may meet!
i think you have done the right thing in making the break. write the list of his good and bad points, use it to decide if he is the man for you or not. if you decide he is not, read your list to yourself every time you have doubts that you have done the right thing. because i can imagine he will be doing his best to charm his way back into your life now.
he knew he was hurting you and ultimately pushing you away while you were still with him and he could not then change his ways for you, so i am not convinced WHAT SO EVER that he has suddenly changed now, i'm sorry
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate on whats up. I packed up and left on the 13th. And stayed away. we have talked about everything again, and now he says he changed. He said he sees what he has done and it took me leaving for him to realize it. Now he says he will never do this again. he jsut wants me back. My feeling have not changed for him, I dont love him. i dont even miss him. Am i falling into a trap? Or do you think he might be telling the truth or just telling me this because he hurts and he will say anything to get me back?
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reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (14 January 2011):
it's hard to leave even when you want to, because you have been a victim of manipulation for so long (7 years?) so your patterns of thinking are ingrained and it's hard to break out of that cycle.
but the fact that you've recognized that you're in a bad relationship and that you've tried to leave, shows that you are starting to break out of it, which is good!
why is it so hard to leave? this is what I think...
The fact that you were able to be controlled by him for so long, means that you have certain weaknesses that he has learned to take full advantage of. Everyone has character flaws, no one is perfect. His flaws are that he is a control freak. Your flaw is that you have certain weaknesses that make it easier for control freaks like him to keep you under their thumb. Some people are just easier targets for controllers, than others.
Like the female anon below said, controlling people prey on those who are too weak to say no. People who were strong enough to say no from the start, would never have gotten into such a relationship in the first place or gotten in so deep, they would have left long ago. The fact that you got into this relationship and stayed this long, means there's certain weaknesses in you that he continues to take advantage of. So you might want to think about your own personality traits and your own patterns of thinking and behaving.
Controllers know how to keep their victims in a "fog" by preying on their weaknesses.
Easily giving into feelings of guilt is a weakness - not saying it's a BAD personality trait in general, just that as far as being in a relationship with a controller and manipulator goes, this is a very nice weakness for them to prey on. If you were in a relationship with a normal person, your tendency to easily feel and give in to guilt wouldn't be a problem. It means you have a conscience and have lots of empathy, it means you're a caring and giving individual. But with a control freak, this is a problem because they can and often do invoke GUILT over anything and everything because they can use it to manipulate you by controlling your emotions.
that's why he keeps saying everythign is YOUR FAULT. He knows you feel guilty easily, and that you will do anything to get rid of those guilty feelings. So he makes everything into your fault because this very effectively gets you to go along with what he wants, because you want to assuage your guilt. I bet when he says the words "YOUR FAULT" you feel an instinctive reaction inside of you, dont' you?
Another weakness is the inability to tolerate conflict or anxiety or negative emotions. Some people are more desperate for peace and harmony are get disturbed to an unhealthy degree when others stay mad at them, and will do anything to placate the other person just so you dont' have to feel uncomfortable that they are mad at you. Again, if you're in a relationship with a normal mentally-healthy person, this trait in you is not a bad thing, it is what makes you be a good compromiser to keep a healthy relationship going. It means you want to resolve conflicts. BUT once again, since you are NOT with a normal person you are with a control freak and manipulator, he uses this personality trait in you to his advantage. You will do anything to stop him getting mad at you, because you can't tolerate the discomfort you feel (whether it is feelings of guilt or anxiety) if he's mad. In other words, you can't just "not care."
It's hard to leave the relationship because whenever you try to leave, as the female anon below said, he turns it up a notch (or more!). So all these hooks he has on you, that have been in place for the entire length of your relationship which is many years, pull you back in. This pattern has been ingrained in you because it's been repeated so many times for so many years, so it is understandable that it takes a lot of effort to break out of it.
Another reason it's hard to leave is because, like many emotional abusers and controllers, he has "defined your reality" for you. He tells you that YOU are the crazy one. He confuses you, keeps you in a fog. Again because of your other weaknesses - like your compassion, which in a NORMAL relationship is not a weakness but in this abnormal relationship it is - you are willing to accept blame and fault so you believe what he says. Thus you have a shaky sense of reality, because he has defined your reality for you, for so long.
But obviously since you're on here posting, you have started to see through the "fog" , which is good.
I believe that to be successful in leaving, you would have to gather up the strength to tolerate the discomfort (your feelings or guilt or fear) that you will feel when you leave and he goes mental at you, rather than cave in to make the discomfort go away. You may have to train yourself to withstand feelings of anxiety or guilt so that you can go about your business while feeling those uncomfortable emotions, but still without caving into his manipulations and without falling apart yourself.
I don't know if he is physically violent or if you fear that he may be. But if he is violent, then of course you will fear for your safety (which is a very valid fear) which makes you unable to leave. If this is the case, you should call a domestic violence helpline for support because staying isn't the answer either.
Even if you don't fear for your safety, you may want to see a counselor or therapist to help you work up the courage to leave this relationship because it can be really hard going it alone. good luck!
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (13 January 2011):
only you can say why you find it hard to leave him. what are you afraid of? (what could be possibly worse than this?) he KNOWS he is to blame, but obviously he'll never admit it to you, but deep down this must make him feel worse! he knows he's being an arse and that its giving you another reason to want to leave him, but he just feels somehow compelled to carry on with his bad behaviour. this is why he pushes you away 'this isn't working - us! i want a divorce!' he does this to test the limits with you, he wants you to PROVE all the time that you love him enough (while all his very behaviour is making him MORE UNLOVABLE) he doesn't want to discuss why his marriages broke up coz (i'm guessing) he treated his ex wives the same way, and then when they had had enough and left he sees that as another abandonment that wasn't his fault, it was theirs! and you said he wanted to watch you have sex with someone else?? its a good thing you didn't coz he would be REALLY giving you jealous-shit now if you had done.
so figure out what it is that your afraid of if you leave, 'face your fears and do it anyway!'
but if you DO wanna stay with him he is gonna have to get professional help, coz he has seriously deep issues and i don't think you are qualified to deal with them, especially when he has got you so down about yourself and confused that you don't even know where your own mind is at
xx
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A
male
reader, faenon +, writes (13 January 2011):
I doubt this has anything to do with his insecurity in some respects his very immature for his age but then again wisdom and maturity isnt something that always comes with age either it isn't normal behaviour for someone to expect their other half to call when they arrive at a place then to constantly do check up calls on them.
Same with him expecting you to be in bed when his tired and ready to sleep you have quiet a predicament on your hands with his lack of respect for you which in turn is damaging your own self esteem if trying to talk things out with this man isn't working and his falling back to same old routine after being told why you arent happy only other solution aside from seeking councelling for yourself to heal your self esteem is to leave and file for divorce while Im not one to encourage divorce if you've already tried to discuss issues on hand with him and he is choosing not to listen or try to change to improve your emotional wellbeing you're probably better off filing for divorce and staying single for a while to give yourself time to refocus.
Given the age difference and his lack of respect towards you when you are ill it maybe a case of he see's you as a 'trophy wife' with his previous marriage I wouldn't put it past his first wife possibly leaving due to his controlling nature and neediness.
What ever path you decide on, I wish you all the best all the same these things are never easy on deciding on.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (13 January 2011):
 Why is it hard to leave? You are married and have a lengthy history. That's a lot to overcome. I also think you haven't completely made up your mind that you actually want to leave. You also have your own doubts that you have the abililty to leave.
Why is it always your fault? This is another game that he plays to keep you subservient to him. It keeps him empowered and it makes you feel useless or unworthy. It's basically another tactic in bringing down your self-esteem.
Hopefully you'll find a way out of your situation. Again, I really think you'll benefit by being closer to your family and possibly seeking professional help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): I have one answer only. yes he may be controlling but this is fuelled by severe insecurity, most probably because he KNOWS you will leave him. this may also be because of the age difference. it would be a constant reminder to him that you are after all only 9 years older than his eldest son.
the insecurity can also be fuelled from his previous experiences with women not only his marriages but previous relationships.
you will get honest answers if you sit down and ask him why he is insecure and that you know thats why he is being controlling.
it worked for me :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have another question! Why is is so hard for me to leave when i want to leave? And why is it always that everything is my fault? And he does not see that he is the way he is. Im really digging for help here and you guys have really helped me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): Ugh what an awful situation! I can imagine why you use the word "trapped" because you really are being smothered.I think you need to leave this guy.He's being very controlling to an insane degree. the relationship is completely one-sided, this is not how marriage should be. Controlling people usually don't change, it's ingrained in their personalities. And, controlling people prey on people who are too weak to say no to them, who will go along to avoid conflict and keep the peace. that's probably how you got married against your better judgment. And probably why you continued to stay married for 6 whole years. Then once married he's controlling every thing you do , and obviously you're doing it to avoid him getting mad. You're playing a part in continuing this cycle.I'm glad you got the nerve to stand up to him. Of course he's gonna freak out like he did - that's totally to be expected, that's what control freaks do when their victims finally take a stand. You are threatening his security in the relationship by changing the dynamic (of no longer being a doormat to him)At the heart of their controlling nature is insecurity. They must have everything done their way otherwise they don't feel good about themselves or their lives. That's why not doing things their way freaks them out, they feel threatened. That's why when you stand up to him he freaks out.but the point is, if he freaked out when you stood up to him and this succeeded in getting you to go back and play along again to keep the peace, well then this just shows him that he just has to turn it up a notch and he'll succeed in getting you to comply again. You've empowered him to keep doing it.You need to stop complying with him, and stay strong even when he freaks out. Only when his repeated efforts get no results then will he stop expending the effort of trying to control you. Be forewardned this will take a very very long time because control freakishness is an ingrained personality trait it doesn't go away easily. And if the relationship dynamic has been entrenched for so long that's futher reason it will take a long time during which you must not give inAlso be forewarned that many times controlling people simply will not change no matter what. in this situation the only thing you can do is leave the relationship altogether. Or if he escalates it to the point that your safety is in jeopardy then you should also leave.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank everyone for there advice. I am crying reading these cause i'm seeing how bad this really is and how i've been unhappy for so long i think i just felt as if this is it for me, and in my heart i know i want to leave just dont know how. I keep kicking myself for marring him. I guess at the time i felt that was the right thing to do? i dont know we all make mistakes i guess.
angelDlite: He was split from his ex wife when we met or at least thats what he told me, and the where in the middle of a divorce, I cant ask him about her cause he gets really mad about it. so i'm not sure why the split. and his first wife not sure the reason but she left him. And im trying to stay strong just keeps getting harder everyday.
Thanks everyone again, I'm really looking for answers that my friends and family can't tell me cause they have not been there. I dont know anyone that can give me advice on what to do. Thats why I'm on here asking for some insite on all this.
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (13 January 2011):
I agree with some of the other posters here.
It would appear that you are married to a very controlling man. If he is insistent on your being home at certain times and demands sex each day (even when you are sick) it shows he has a very low amount of respect and trust for you.
So where do you go from here:
It sounds like to me that you have low self-esteem and don't value your own happiness. It also sounds like you invested a lot of time into this relationship despite not being happy. You stalled on a marriage date, you detected he had changed after two years, and you are now feeling horrible. This is what happens when you don't stick up for yourself.
There is far more going on here than I think any one answerer can help you with.
Personally, I'd recommend you look into a personal psychologist to talk what you are going through over. He'll help validate the situation for you. Maybe there is hope for this relationship -- if you stuck it out for 6 years, on some level, you do love him or have some sort of bond with him. If you cannot afford a shrink, one possible way to help resolve your inner feelings is to come up with a list of reasons why you feel you ought to stay and reasons why you need to leave. See what they are. Maybe there is something there that you are overlooking or not seeing or maybe you'll see the oppressiveness that you have lived under for so many years.
If you decide you've had enough (and only you can come to that conclusion) I'd enlist your family's help. It sounds like you need all the support you can get.
Good luck.
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female
reader, SillyB +, writes (13 January 2011):
 Hun, you're my age! You're young. Goodness, there is so much to do in life & to experience. You're life sounds mundane and controlled.
You know, you met him at a VERY young age, you've grown up and want different things in life than he does (He's almost 50!). Its perfectly OK to outgrow a relationship. Most people do, but they're not married in their 20's, they break it off and move on to someone more appropriate.
It seems like you're there to fill up his day - do things for him and at his whim - cooking, cleaning, participating in his activities and satisfying him. How unfair and hard that must be! You are way too young to be dealing with issues like this, heck no wife should!
Honestly, you have no children and no ties other than marriage to this man. You really really need to think about what you want. He needs to get over this co-dependence on another person and you need to do in life what makes you happy.
Life really is too short, our 20's are WAY too short, enjoy life hun! From my personal experience, I spent 8 years with a controlling man. What a waste of time! I met a man who is the love of my life, kind and patient - we travel the world together and share similar hobbies and passions. I regret having spent so many years being controlled when I could have flourished so much more!
You need to do some thinking and really make a smart decision for yourself. I'm sure there is a wonderful younger guy waiting out there for a girl like you. Someone to be equals with and to enjoy life with. Love yourself first and follow your heart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): Tell him of your concerns and that you feel this is going no where. Communicate.
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (13 January 2011):
i understand how you feel. i have been there. he makes you feel guilty and makes you feel that rather than it being a case of splitting up coz it just isn't working, its just you, 'abandoning' him. do you think this issue could be something that has been with him from childhood even? you say he has been married twice before? he has known you for 6 years and he has a 6 year old son? did he leave his ex to go with you or were they at not split up very long when you met? another point that proves he just cannot be alone but that is his problem not yours! why did his marriages break up? obviously his problems are not your fault and don't ever let him tell you that they are. if you are not happy living with him (and from what you have said,you have got every cause to be unhappy) then you cannot stay just because its what he wants! he clearly has no respect or care for what YOU want! (ie pestering you into marriage, pestering you into sex even when your ill, sulking/getting angry when you dare to have a difference of opinion)
whether you stay or go, you need to be STRONG ok? coz if not, this guy will grind you down into the dirt eventually
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionangelDlite, Thanks for the reply back. To answer you questions. I have never cheated on him, Nor have i am i flirting with people.. Im am faithful to him in every way. I do agree on what you said he's pushing me away. He refuses help. And in fact when he dont get what he wants he always say "This is not going to work" And i say what? and he replys "US!" "we should just get a divorce" and then when he cools down hes all loving again and wants to make up.. Im just very confused on what i should do. I dont love him anymore. dont know if i ever did But it hurts when I leave. I thinks it because i just have a heart and dont want him to be alone.
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (12 January 2011):
hi
jeez he sounds like a nightmare and i'm not surprised your unhappy. he is overly jealous, overly insecure ( this is probably why he insists on sex every day) he is overly controlling and clingy and he is trying desperately to try to keep you close to him, but what he is failing to see is that by behaving in this way it is actually driving you further away (emotionally if not physically)
he sounds abound with problems, very deep ones and i suspect that you are not gonna be able to resolve this with him. i strongly suggest that he needs professionally help in the form of marriage counselling for the both of you or even psychological therapy for himself. if he refuses to compromise with you on this by refusing to get help then i guess you can put THAT on his list of 'bad points' too.
do you actually want to work this marriage out of in all honestly would you rather just end it? you say you are in a 'comfort zone' - its not what i would call comfort! do you have any idea why he might be so jealous? have you cheated on him ever? are you flirtatious or have you been with a lot of men in the past? he must KNOW why he doesn't trust you. ask him to open up to you and then you can discuss things, and again if he refuses to do this, then you know he doesn't want to be helped and if that is the case he is never gonna change
good luck xx
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reader, faenon +, writes (12 January 2011):
Sounds like his very controlling but i don't understand if you didn't want to be married in the first place why didnt you say so to him that you dont want to marry him?
If your not happy your not forced to stay in unhappy marriage unless his locking you inside the house which would be a worry, if your not happy and he isnt listening to you sounds like his a 46yo controlling child tbh leave.
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