A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, need advice badly. Basically am in a 3 year relationship love my boyfriend very much but cant stand his family. They have no manners. Went to family meal recently his brother made really crude jokes and had a chat about it with his mam. My parents would never act like this and will definitely disapprove. I also feel a offended by this. Should I just ignore the bad manners or should my boyfriend say something to them? They are not bad people, just really crass sometimes. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Hi
I do like good manners and really dislike hearing swearing especially when used as a form of genera conversation...but it sounds like they were just having humour at the table. I would not call this bad manners...you don't state what was said. I also dislike stiffs sitting around a table they belong in coffins. You may view this comment as rude but we all have different ideas of manners. I find it disturbing if i am at a table and people small talk and really could'nt give a monkey's about what they are talking about. example:
Question
how did your day go at work?
Answer
It was totally Sxxx
The subject swiftly changes, so really the question meant nothing, i think this is quite rude on both sides.
When you sit at a family dinner table and nobody speaks or speaks to you...then i would worry. Crass, or lowering the tone is actually quite funny to some people....i would just enjoy the gift of been invited to share the meal with his family and lighten up...you are no more civilised than anybody else you share the table with, you just don't share the same humour. To say your parents would disaprove is strong, do you meen disaprove of his family or humour. I would be offended if family did not invite you for a get together. I gather that your parents have not yet met the out-laws. Warmth and generosity of love is all that matter at the table and to be INCLUDED into family...you should be pleased.
Spunky monkey
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 The essence of good etiquette is to make everyone feel comfortable. When you are wondering what to do in an awkward situation let that be your guide.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): "should my boyfriend say something to them?" yeah try that for the laugh and see what happens, then send us an update and tell us how it worked out for you. (I'm being sarcastic but don't mean to offend)
You say they have bad manners but actually it's you who has the bad manners. Is it good manners to criticize people for the way they are because it doesn't conform to your lofty standards? Is it good manners to tell your boyfriend to have a word with his family and tell them tone down their humour because you don't like it? It isn't to your taste so they have to change to suit you. His family have a different sense of humour to you and you judge them and say you can't stand them because of that? Really? That's good manners is it? No that's not good manners, that patronizing and condescending, to say you were raised better than them, to assume your way is the only right way. Who the hell do you think you are?
You were their guest, in their house, good manners is to respect them, to accept them not criticize and complain and compare them to your "perfectly mannered parents". Did they insult you directly? Did they treat you badly? Did they force you do something you didn't want to do? Or was it just your problem that can't tolerate people that are different from you?
You know most of us in this world will tolerate others, when we're guests in their house and it is exceptionally rude of you to assume that they should stop being themselves in their own home because you were raised with "better manners".
How would you feel if your boyfriend turned around to you after a dinner at your house and told you to tell your parents to lighten up, or that they were stuck up or something like that. Or that they should change their ways because they're patronizing and condescending. After all the trouble you parents went to make him fell welcome would you appreciate him having the cheek to insult your family like that, to insinuate in any way that he was better than your family? No I don't think you'd like that so give him the same respect. Perhaps you should learn to lighten up a little. The world doesn't revolve around you and we all don't have to love by your standards or conform to your rules. In your house people should respect your ways and feelings but you must do the same for them.
Tolerance is the key.
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A
female
reader, dmartin89 +, writes (16 November 2010):
 Some families just have different relationships with theirs families. My parents and I are really close and we have rude private jokes which we also talk about with my OT because he is family. I don't think this makes our manners bad. We eat with our mouthes closed and use cutlery properly.
What kind off jokes are you talking about?
If they are really that bad, I can't imagine they would say anything infront of your parents. Trust me, you're lucky thats all you have to worry a about, my inlaws are alcoholic indoor chain smokers that complain about everything!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): No you can't change his family. You can straighten your boyfriend up. Definitely teach him proper etiquette let him know how to behave properly at the table, at least for his own good. I don't think it is your place to change his family, however.
I hear ya though. That sounds obnoxious. But I think this is one of those times you are just going to have to go with the flow. You don't have to like it. You don't have to copy the behavior. But accept that they are in fact different from you (really causing no harm to anybody) and try to be tolerant and COOL about it.
The most outstanding people I have ever met are those who can be tossed into ANY situation and always come out of it victorious. They come out of any situation with tons of friends, with networking opportunities, loved, respected. Because they know how to play the game.
Play it cool. Respect that they are different, nonetheless harmless, and just respect them and don't give them a hard time or make faces. Just be cool. Nothing in life is black and white. Be open minded. I am sure everybody, your boyfriend included, will respect you for being so cool and open minded if you do just go with the flow.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 November 2010):
 It may offend you, but... that is how they were raised and chose to live.
I don't think you can expect them to change because it offends you. Personally I would just suck it up. You will have to accept that THAT is who they are. If your BF have more manner then KUDOS to him.
My FIL (father-in-law) is a very crude and opinionated guy, I think he always was. When we visit I just let it go. We don't see him very often so it's not a big deal.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (16 November 2010):
 Well as long as the crude jokes are not about you then I dont think you should say anything. This is his family, and unfortunately your just going to have to deal with them. He cannot change his family, and they raised him so obviously your boyfriend owes a lot to them and loves them, just as every person does to their family.
If they are being rude about you and are nasty to you, then that is out of order and you should speak up. But if they are just crass in general and dont meet your expectations of manners then that is not the end of the world and just something you are going to have to tolerate as part of being with your boyfriend.
Every partner comes with baggage, good and bad, and sometimes family can be part of that bad baggage. You just have to take it as part of your boyfriend and try and get on with them for his sake.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (16 November 2010):
 I'd wait before expressing any sort of disapproval. It's very possible that they were acting this way because they view you as part of the family. Maybe suggest going out to brunch or something like that where you can see how they act outside the confines of their dinner table at home. You may find they act quite differently when other people are around.
However, if that's not the case, then you'll want to talk to him about it. Don't let it brew for too long.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 November 2010):
 You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family. I think if their behavior bothered or embarrassed your boyfriend, he would have said something already (and it certainly should be his call not yours). Since he hasn't then just endure it in the name of love for your boyfriend.
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