A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This morning i cheated on my fiance with someone I met online. I have been with my fiance for 8 years...my question is why don't i feel guilty? I try to make excuses like i did it for an ego boost because i have low self esteem or that it was nice to be bad because i'm always the good girl...i don't want to think of myself as a tramp...but i know what i did was wrong..but i'm way more pleased with myself than guilty...i don't know what to do with that!!
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fiance, met online, self esteem Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): You cheated this morning, and you don't feel guilty. Well, you started to feel guilty and posted here, that's the first little bit of guilt creep.
The guilt is coming, you just haven't had time to think about what you really did.
It's coming.
You will feel guilt over this for years, you will feel it in your next serious relationship, you will fear that your next "true love" will cheat on you, because of what you did.
Come back here in 6 months and post how much you never felt guilt...then again in 6 years.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for all of the answers...i know that i came accross as a self-absorbed egomaniac. But i'm really not normally like that...but i did let my stupid ego get the better of me...i've heard more than once that i cheated because i wasn't 100 percent happy...i have been having those feelings myself..i guess it's just easier to hear other people saying it than it is for me to admit it. i was a very irresponsible person and I have alot of soul searching...and therapy..to do...again..thanks for the answers...i needed a little honesty.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): You are proud of yourself,no problem. I wish i was you, I am proud of you too,jealous because i`m not like you,and after reading this i know its time to re-invent my life. As for life changing decisions!! Do you not think your fiance deserves one too? his own choice? He is with you under false pretences. He believes you are someone you are not. You dont feel guilty,everythings about you,so why should you? Why not get him online with you so you can both do it,or give him the choice to find a faithful woman? or even stay with you for a lifetime of unhappiness while you cheat with guys off the net? He deserves that choice at the very least.
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A
female
reader, Plexi +, writes (16 November 2010):
 I agree with CaringGuy. You don't feel that guilty because the man you are with is not THE ONE. You feel pleased with yourself because by cheating you in a way stood up for yourself and found an escape from a relationship that you are clearly not 100% happy about. Don't dwell over it too much, it is what it is, what's done is done.
Do break up with your fiancee and move on with your life. Uou will find that when you do find the one, even talking to other guys will make you feel guilty and cheating will absolutly be out of the question.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 Like beauty, guilt is in the eyes of the beholder. slf flaggulation is practiced in some societies but not this one. If you really think you did someting wrong with that relatively minor event then just promise yourself you'll neve do it again and turn the page. Life will go on while you cower in self inflicted guilt so jump uyp and yell in the mirror, I'm growing up and growing up is hard to do!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): I have always been a good girl also. Its kind of like on "Two and half men". I was always Alan. Everybody else was Charlie, but I was always Alan. Wanted to be Alan. Everybody expected more out of me.
Until one day, I realized that while I am at home doing the laundry and being all "good", everybody else was talking and laughing about their escapades and being "Charlie". I felt left out and like a dumbass. The moral high road was a lonely road.
I have thought about doing exactly what you did, especially if your fiance had told you of things in his past that you have trouble dealing with or wish you had done. In an insane way you want to even the score, even if he never finds out. You will know though.
Fear on several levels stops me though. Fear and responsibility has always stopped me. I am tired of being scared, of not being a good girl. I don't want to hurt the man I am with. But, i have intertained the thought many times of not being a good girl. On some level I have realized that good girls get left behind. I have seen men leave a good girl for a piece of shit that deals him misery everyday.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Wow - this goes against almost everything we've learned in psychology. Although according to Freud, it would be an example of justification.
You know that what you did was wrong and now you're trying to justify why it was okay. You've obviously succumbed to your id and indulged in activity that your ego otherwise wouldn't have ever considered.
Now the question is, what are you going to do about it? Can you guarantee that this will not happen again? You need to think about what you did to your partner as opposed to what you've done yourself. How do you think he is going to feel about all of this? Even if you don't tell him, the truth seems to have a way of making it's way to the surface.
So, do you love your fiance? There is obviously some unconcious doubt in your relationship for you to cheat on him after 8 years. You need to make a decision about this relationship - end it right now or go ahead and confess, and (if he agrees) work on the relationship you've spent 8 years building.
I really can't understand why you don't feel any guilt or remorse for what you've done. That almost sounds sociopathic.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 I think you are being ridiculous actually. The world does not revolve around you. Every ACTION has a reaction. Sooner or later it will come and bite you on the arse.
And I agree with the other two, end your engagement, you obviously could care less about his feelings.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (16 November 2010):
 Easy dump your fiance..you've been together 8 years and it hasn't gone anywhere yet. It's especially not going to because of your indiscretion. Do the man a favor and let him go, then proceed on with this online rendezvous if you wish.
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A
female
reader, Catflap1  +, writes (16 November 2010):
Time to be honest with yourself then. Would you like him to do this to you? Do you love him? Are you angry that he has not married you yet? Is being faithful important to you and does it matter to you that the person with you is faithful back? He must have been letting you down in some way or not meeting your needs. Having said that I hope you didn't make yourself vulnerable to anything infectious. Be aware that this may take time to sink in. When it does you may feel guilty. Use it as a way of deciding whether he matters to you - at least for a while he was not. It may be time to move on. I hope the man you met does not cause you any trouble. Try to set it aside and give yourself some time to let it sink in and understand what it means. Then do something, I think it will become clear.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 November 2010):
You don't feel guilty, because your engaged to a man who isn't the One, and your relationship is dead. You obviously found this guy online, you talked to him for a while, you met him, you cheated. If your relationship was the One, you simply wouldn't have done it.
End the engagement, move on. Your relationship is now dead.
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