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female
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anonymous
writes: Recently I made a pledge with God to not have sex again because I had sex with my ex-boyfriend which was a really awful mistake because I wasn't able to deal with the emotional consequences of losing my virginity to someone who really wasn't a good person (he ended up emotionally abusing me).I'm now with a great guy who is also a Christian, but I can't help but be plagued with thoughts of what it would be like to have sex with him. I hate doing that because I feel like I'm ignoring all the consequences I suffered the first time around and ignoring my promise to God and just thinking about it too much. Does anyone have any tips how I can stop doing this? thank you
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female
reader, bonym  +, writes (20 June 2006):
 Nice comment Anja!!! Totallly agree with you, it had become more of a debate on God, and as you said, it diverted attention away from the young ladies post. But yes I agree with you, completely!!!! xXx
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female
reader, Anja +, writes (19 June 2006):
 Doesn't matter if anyone has a degree in anything. it's the heart that counts. My heart is with Jesus, in fact my faith has just grown 100 times fold after reading all these postings on here! I love God so much ha ha ha!! I feel soooo happy.
Anyway give it all a BREAK now, like let us PLEASE not go on about it, we are not helping this girl but getting into a real discussion amongst ourselves. I'm sorry to give the impression that I am ignorant, I didn't mean to come across that way. (But ...yawn... guess you all heard that before) I'll just leave you all with this one question (please just think about it and don't answer otherwise this could have the longest answers on here ha ha!)
Here we go.... if I had not mentioned God here half of you would not have responded to the comment I have made. If there is no God why do all of you care to make a comment for/against Him, good or bad?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2006): Nice, I knew you would bring up the "OLD" and the "NEW". I'm not sure if I should continue this, but as a last thought from Mike Wong over in Ottawa:
++It's true that Jesus did seem to have a far more humane approach than the Old Testament God, but his instructive method of parables instead of legalism was deliberately vague, which unfortunately gave believers wide latitude to invent their own interpretations and then publicize them in Jesus' name (in fact, Paul wasted no time in doing just that). An even larger problem is that three of Christianity's central tenets can be very easily abused by believers who want to commit atrocities, as we saw in the Dark Ages++
I had my own essays, but no longer the site that hosts them, so you can check out Mike's page instead for his own: http://www.creationtheory.org/BiblicalMorality/JesusFix.shtml
Going to take a shower. I feel so dirty... 8]
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2006): hey well done you bonym....i admire people like you who can follow a debate with good understanding and knowledge of things.
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female
reader, bonym +, writes (17 June 2006):
Me again. Sorry to the girl who posted this question as it has turned into a mass debate about the intergrity of the Holy Bible!!
Martini I respect what you are saying, you may have studied the Bible, I have read it and have a true understanding of it. I have read Exodus and Genesis, and if you notice, that was the OLD testament, hence the OLD law, we are not under the OLD law anymore, just go to Hebrews in the New Testament and you will see.
Thats all I can say, you may be a critical Bible scholar I am a FIRM Bible believer and I have read it with conviction and understanding.
xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2006): Really? Well, you've only read the Bible. Like Dr. Pete, I've actually studied the Bible - Old and New. Mind you, there are people helping me with my studies. One is a moderate Christian and the other is a Christian who has been questioning his faith recently, which personally, I find very gratifying.
It's not the mention of God that create discussion in threads. It's the mention of self-righteous 'advice' that create discussion. Though everyone has some of that with or without religion, I believe it was Anja's comments that sparked most of it.
The thing is about God in Christianity, is that if 'he' is never wrong and 'he' is always 'wise', and you believe that the Bible does not contradict itself, and you said you follow it very very closely, then there is one thing I would like to ask you in terms of women in society - especially Christian women... Have you ever read Exodus and Genesis? You should, because if you read it, you will know that whatever Christian women in modern society is doing, completely and utterly contradicts how Exodus and Genesis speaks of women. The reason it contradicts aside from the obvious, is that if the Old Testament contains the first words of God, then the New Testament by foundation, contradicts those same words. Since the NT was rewritten supposedly by the will of Jesus. If you look at the OT and the NT, women especially weren't treated equally, yet Jesus goes and rewrites the old books, etc, etc.
Anyway... It's late. I'm going to bed. Blah.
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female
reader, bonym +, writes (17 June 2006):
Sorry I am back!!!!!
Martini, this is what you said: God should have taken away our emotions, cut off our dicks and closed up our vaginas. That way, we can definitely practice monogamy - on ourselves!
Well why would God do that, we would then become robots and we would do things because we have no other option. God has given us FREE will, he allows us to make choices and its up to us to decide what is right from what is wrong. Also the Bible does NOT contradict a lot of things, I have read almost all of it and people may think there are contradictions but there are not, none at all.
Harshbutfair: sorry I am not sure if I answered your question fully. The reason I practice what I do is because I personally believe that sex is for marriage. I am not going to condemn or judge anyone because I am not God, its not my place to do so, but I believe so strongly in God that I follow what is said in the Book, and yes I have and will slip up, but that is because I am human and fallable, I have and will make mistakes, but I still live a life that I PERSONALLY think is right for me.
Ok, I think I have explained myself!!!!!! xXx
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reader, bonym +, writes (17 June 2006):
Hi harshbutfair, thanks for your comment this is what you wrote to me:
Bonym... Ignoring your belief in God do you believe *yourself* that abstaining from sex is the right thing to do, for *you*? For what reasons?
For me yes I do believe that. I am me, and I do what I believe is right, I dont and wont tell other people how to live, that is their choice and their decision. I dont worry about not being compatable sexually with a future husband, I believe that God is wise, He is not stupid, He wont give me someone who is not right for me. It may sound silly to some but that is how I think.
I cant impose Jesus on you or the belief in God, but I have always believed in Him and thats how I live my life. And I wont lie and say that there are some things I felt maybe I missed out on, but what I never knew wont hurt me, will it?!!!
Wow this thread is really popular, its funny because whenever you mention the name of God, it always yields high responses!!!!!
Take care all. xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks so much for the great answers....I really appreciate all the responses about not condeming myself, remembering why I amde the promise in the first place and thinking about the consequences, not rushing to do the deed with anyone, moving past guilt, and also sometimes needing to make mistakes to learn how to make better choices in the future. I really appreciate it. Thank you
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reader, Seratuki  +, writes (17 June 2006):
 I'm Christian also,
However, I can have Jesus as my savior without following his rules like a blind moron. He knows the decisions we're going to make before we make them, right? so even if we have free will, he knows when we sin before we do it.
My personal belief is that, if you're in a commited relationship, sex is ok.
I just think that having sex without meaning or love and emotion behind it can hinder you spiritually because you feel bad about it, hence why Anon felt bad before.
But I don't follow my faith blindly, God has helped me in so many ways, from the moment I was born, I was premature and told I would never walk, talk or do anything normal, they were wrong, as you can tell.
Then he got me away from abusive parents, both of whom have sought counciling, (sp)
He helped my mother recover from crack addiction WSITHOUT rehab. (she's been clean for 8 years now)
He's gotten me off the streets when I was homeless for 2 years and I now live in a wonderful condo that my mother purchased for me.
He's seen my brother through a severe drug addiction, he's now gone on to be a master at arms in the US Navy....
So, there have been things that have re-affurmed my faith in God. but I respect that others might not feel the same way.
ST
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2006): Okay, fine fine fine... 8] Not everything. If only people made interpretations in a positive progressive manner, that would be nice for a change, rather than follow word for word from a book. Since I'm here again, for those for a humorous read - check this out: http://www.nexuscolony.com/leemancheng/blog/?p=337 - it's titled "Top Ten Signs You’re a Fundamentalist Christian".
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2006): Yes Ariel, but oddly, one of my female friends though having massive explosive 9.5 on the richter scale orgasms masturbating, she feels guilty that she shouldn't be doing it.
Why?!?! WHY?!?!?!
If there is a God, wouldn't that be contradicting to everything that has Life? God restricts EVERYTHING good in this world, but we have the freedom to do them. Yet we get punished for enacting on them? If that was the case, God should have taken away our emotions, cut off our dicks and closed up our vaginas. That way, we can definitely practice monogamy - on ourselves!
Anja speaks of the bible how sex before marriage is so wrong. Well the bible contradicts a lot of things as well. Mind you, though as much I would like to further Dr. Pete and HBF's comments as they are quite enticing, I'll just observe how this thread turns out.
Did we just hijacked another one?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2006): Taking this to the forums would be prudent, lest another 56 replies (eg: about the guy and his book on relationships) may ensue.
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reader, harshbutfair +, writes (16 June 2006):
 Bonym... Ignoring your belief in God do you believe *yourself* that abstaining from sex is the right thing to do, for *you*? For what reasons?
And are you worried that you may not be sexually compatible with a future husband, or that you may reduce the "pool" of available men, with your beliefs?
I say this not to be controversial or to trick you I am just curious as to your thoughts. I am someone for whom religion has never been part of my life.
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reader, bonym +, writes (16 June 2006):
Hi Dr Pete, I guess what I mean when I say will is volition, choice or desire. Peronally I belief we all have an inbuilt sense of will within us perhaps I guess from birth. I believe God gives us all FREE will. We are free to make any decision we like, we are not robots, He allows us to make our own mistakes and choose our own paths, but some may be stronger than others. I have become stronger through some of my bad experiences, but in some areas my will is weaker. In this sort of scenario, my will is strong, but it is weaker than other areas! What I mean is, I do have the normal sexual desires that all young women and men have, I think about that every day!!!! but because of my beliefs in God etc, I dont allow myself to act upon them. Does that make sense?
I hope so!!! xxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2006): bonym that's a good point about strengthness of will. Not sure if I should message you or reply here, but I guess it would be good on this thread. I was wondering if you could elaborate on what will is. I mean, is it something inherent within us, that has a fixed capacity of strength (from birth until we die) or is it something that can become stronger, perhaps through self-empowerment, or through God? e.g. if someone makes a mistake through having a weak will, can that mistake strength the will, so they become in essence, a stronger willed person?
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reader, bonym +, writes (16 June 2006):
Hello reader, I am a Christian and here is my view:
My dear, what you are feeling is normal. God gives us feelings, sexual thoughts included. What I mean is this, because you are with someone, that means that you will develop an Erotic love for them which as you know is sexual and romantic etc. You can be the strongest Christian in the world but the power of love, sex etc is no strong it can take you just like that.
It is impossible to stop thinking about intimacy, we all think about it, its normal, but if you are strong willed, you wont act upon it. I think about sex every waking day, but as I am not married to anyone right now, I am not acting upon my thoughts, I am strong willed I guess!!!
Dont beat yourself up, you identified your weakness and thats good. Sometimes we need to make mistakes in order to learn.
Why dont the both of you talk together, say how you feel. If you spend a lot of time alone, you are bound to start feeling closer to him and the natural desire to be intimate with him will present itself.
Good luck. xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2006): Anja, I'm sorry but "I know you all are not being personal, and you just don't know any different" really does annoy me.
I'm not going to get in to a religious argument with you but that comment really does some up the unbelivable ignorance of most Christians around the world.
I've spent a lot of time questioning the nature of God, and the role of religions, I have a degree in Theology and I majored in Christology and believe me dear, it is you who doesn't know any different.
"When people stop believing in God, they don't believe in nothing -- they believe in anything." -- GK Chesterton
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reader, harshbutfair +, writes (16 June 2006):
"just don't know any different"
Anja, I'm curious if you could explain the personal journey that you took that gave you the view that there is a God (and a Christian one, at that). I'm sure it will be of genuine interest to everyone.
My feelings in many ways follow those of Bertrand Russel who came to the following conclusion.
"Religion is based, I think, primarily and mainly upon fear. It is partly the terror of the unknown and partly, as I have said, the wish to feel that you have a kind of elder brother who will stand by you in all your troubles and disputes. Fear is the basis of the whole thing -- fear of the mysterious, fear of defeat, fear of death. Fear is the parent of cruelty, and therefore it is no wonder if cruelty and religion have gone hand in hand. It is because fear is at the basis of those two things. In this world we can now begin a little to understand things, and a little to master them by help of science, which has forced its way step by step against the Christian religion, against the churches, and against the opposition of all the old precepts. Science can help us to get over this craven fear in which mankind has lived for so many generations. Science can teach us, and I think our own hearts can teach us, no longer to look around for imaginary supports, no longer to invent allies in the sky, but rather to look to our own efforts here below to make this world a better place to live in, instead of the sort of place that the churches in all these centuries have made it."
Full text here, "why I am not a Christian"
http://users.drew.edu/~jlenz/whynot.html
HBF.
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reader, Lostandalone +, writes (16 June 2006):
 Stick to your guns. Temptation is all around us. Like Pete said don't think about the promise think about the consequence. Besides, you can make love to someone without even touching. The thing is society has made sex such a casual thing that people don't have a strong moral stance when it comes to sex. Don't falter. Love is way more than sex WAY MORE! Its good someone around here has morals. Good Luck.
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reader, Anja +, writes (16 June 2006):
Re harshbutfairs comment. I am sorry you feel that way, I'm sure you may or may not have helped Miss anon here. I'm saddend by how you feel but God bless you anyway! And anyone else who wants to condemn the christian faith, I know you all are not being personal, and you just don't know any different.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2006): Isn't God a joker for giving us free will and then giving us all these tempting emotions?
Well more of a non-Christian answer for you,
I'm guessing God wouldn't have said he didn't want you to have sex outside of marriage for no reason. He said it because he loves you and knows what is best for you. Look at your own experiences of sex out of marriage; it seems to have been a pretty bad experience.
When you are having urges, don't concentrate on the promise you made, instead, think about the consequences of what will happen if you break that promise, e.g.
1) I will feel guilty
2) I will let myself down
3) I will let God down
4) I will let my boyfriend down
5) My relationship with my boyfriend will never be the same
5) I will feel regretful that we took a step we can never come back from
I guess it's a bit like having a drug or alcohol addiction, you have to concentrate on the reasons you gave up, and the consequences of what will happen if you do try it.. even just the once.
I think you could remind yourself whenever you have an urge to think, not so much about the promise, but more about WHY God wants you to do this. Something along the lines of “Oh yeah – I’m doing this because of this, this and that”.
Or one more suggestion - read some of the many hundreds of sex-related problems on this website - that should be enough to help you abstain and know what you are doing is for the best, good luck! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2006): I'm so tempted, but I won't. I promise to be good. I don't want to go through another IceRed.com battle of religions which amounted to over 2000 posts in one thread... Ah, those were the days...
Anyway, Ms. Anon, wouldn't it be a 'coincidence' that your man's penis won't fit into your vagina later in life? In fact, it might even rip you apart upon entry. That must be a sign that you weren't meant for sex.
[sigh]
Whatever powers your engine my dear. Whatever emppowers you.
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reader, harshbutfair +, writes (16 June 2006):
HOLY JESUS ANJA! Take it easy.
To the chick who asked this question. Why deny yourself the pleasure of physical closeness? The first time you had sex it was with a Bad Guy. Maybe what you *actually* did was make a little promise to yourself, which is understandable, along the lines of "I promise not to screw BAD guys again, because it makes me feel BAD"... And that in fact making love to a nice young Christian gentleman would be fine. Both for you and for whatever God you believe in.
When all is said and done the human race is reliant upon screwing, from waaaay before the time that Christianity was invented, and we're still here, we're still screwing and it's all good.
I would go with your heart on this one. If you know in your heart that your new guy is on the level and to be trusted, don't let a set of principles and rules and mythology invented mainly by MEN for the purpose of keeping the church powerful and rich, and controlling the masses, dissuade you from doing what's right for you.
Good luck and God Bless!
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reader, Anja +, writes (16 June 2006):
(I hope all of this will be shown, please do not edit any of this out as this girl needs to hear this.)
I am also a christian and the emotional consequences of being intimate with someone who you may not spend the rest of your life with are huge.
Each time you are intimate with someone and break up with them, there is substantially a lot more hurt and emotional pain then if you had a really good friendship with that person. It clearly states in the bible that you should not be physically intimate with someone until you are married.
I can see why non christians don't understand this at all, and regards the compatibility: Well God only wants the best for you, He knows who He has for you already. He knows the plans for you. I became a christian just over a year ago, so I know what it's like out there in the world, it's not a nice place to be. I have total trust and faith in God to provide me with someone who is right for me. God must come first, He is the centre, and should be your centre too. By loving God and putting Him first, you will love your partner that much more and not need to rely and become dependent on him, which is unhealthy.
Everytime you have lustful thoughts, go to Jesus, He is your saviour, and knows what is on your heart. He knows that we are human and struggle with these issues. It is by Jesus that we have been saved from sin, we still might sin of course form time to time, but if you just submit yourself to God, He will always answer your prayers. Don't put anything or anyone before Him.
I have so much more I would like to say to you, and if you ever need help and advice, please let me know, I can give you my e-mail address. Jesus's heart is crying out to you, please take care, God bless you. xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2006): Imagine getting married and finding out you're sexually incompatible with your husband. Now wouldn't that suck?
[ahem]
Is that a mormon at my door again? Mom, where's the hammer and the stake?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2006): You shoudl step back and get a check on reality.Dont condemn yourself about guilty feelings or regret, jsut take them, learn from them and move on. If you banish yourself mentally from doing a natural thing, think about the mistakes you did in the first place ( i.e. not thinking about your relationship before the act, probability of being decieved, and so forth.) Move on, enjoy things as they come, but dont worry about rushing to do the deed with this other guy, work on enjoying his company, and asses the way he treats you and if it feels right. Only you can know when its right. But for now, move on past the guilt.Its not a healthy trick to play on yourself.
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