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female
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anonymous
writes: Sometimes when my bf and I argue, I end up yelling at him, giving him the silent treatment, or crying. I know these are really bad habits to have because it makes me look irrational and as if I can't talk to him like a normal person. How can a person not so much fight fair but be able to discuss things calmly without blowing my top or giving him the silent treatment? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, oh my goodness thank you so much for this list! It amkes me feel better knowing there was someone out there who knew about my situation or who had been in a similar one. Thanks a lot! I completely agree about compassion and validation! Oh my gosh! I need that! I will show this to him straight away, thanks so much for your help :OD
A
female
reader, hannieseds  +, writes (16 June 2006):
 I know exactly how you feel! It sucks when you just can't communicate properly with the one you love, and they can't communicate with you either! You are in a pattern right now that isn't good. The way you deal with conflict/discussions will set the path for the rest of your relationship - if you don't get it right as soon as possible, it could mean the end of your relationship because you will end up hurting each other undirectly by not giving each other the time and attention you each need when an issue arises.
Below is some advice that has helped myself and my boyfriend. You will need to perhaps show him this and it is HARD WORK! You need to try and remember this advice when you next feel yourself getting angry/annoyed etc, but I know how easier said than done that is! But just keep at it and soon enough you will get yourself into a positive communication pattern.
1 - Give your partner enough space to voice his/her concerns. Don't interrupt, give your partner the same respect you would like in return even if you don't agree with what they're saying.
2 - Make an effort to really understand what they are trying to tell you. It is very easy to fall into the trap of thinking you know what they're saying, when actually you have no idea. If your partner feels like you understand what they are saying,then you'll find a way to end the argument much more quickly.
3 - Don't say anything you'll regret later (hard trap to fall into). ALWAYS consider your relationship is like glass. It is sturdy, tough, beautiful and clear when taken care of, but if it is mistreated or mishandled it can end up being scratched, cracked or even broken. Just take care in choosing your words at the head of the moment.
4 - Don't bring up the past! Don't bring up things your partner has done wrong in the past. If you dwell on past occurances, you'll never find a solution for the future and your partner won't feel loved and respected (most important - RESPECT!). People make mistakes, give your partner a chance to recover from them!
5 - Learn to compromise. If you can learn the art of compromise when you both just can't agree, then you'll find you have fewer disagreements. . An argument is typically started because you want someone to agree with you about something. You think that the other person must not know all the facts, so you begin to explain it to them. The more your partner still disagrees with you, the most upset you usually get. but, if you realise that sometimes it is best to just let yourselves AGREE TO DISAGREE - you'll show you partner that you respect their opinion.
6 - Talk about the situation until you have sorted it. What i have found is that if you are both very angry, then agree to take 15 minutes alone to calm yourself and think about what you want to say. Come back together and take turns to voice your opinions. Use 'I' statements and never accuse or assume.
Remember - this person you are arguing with is your best friend, lover and soul mate. If you both keep that at the forefront of your mind when disagreeing, it will keep what matters in perspective - your love for each other!
We are woman, need COMPASSION first. A guy tends to be analytical and not speak with emotions, when that is exactly what we need! If your partner can listen and UNDERSTAND you, you will feel validated and you will get over it all the more quickly.
I'm sorry this is so long - but try out these things and see if they help! xxx
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