A
female
age
51-59,
RitaBrown
writes:Since this is a problem website, I guess it's not unusual that we get a lot of posts about infidelity but over the past year or so we've had glut of posts asking about the perils faced by those who have begun their relationship as an affair. These posts come from a range of people... Sometimes it's the abandoned spouse that posts, sometimes it's a child whose parent has decided to set up house with their affair partner, sometimes it's a concerned sibling or friend. (And sometimes both parties in the affair are married, sometimes it's just the man.) But the question that invariably gets asked one way or another is something along the lines of "what will be the outcome for the two people having the affair"? Now, I find it quite strange that a jilted spouse or the child of a cheating spouse would have any concerns at all about the problems their partner or parent might face with their new squeeze. (A concerned sibling possibly.)But since they ask what the problems might be, I've decided to write a list. And I'd like other people to add to it if they think of things I've forgotten. Then we can refer posters to this article when they ask this question. So here goes... 1) The married person might never leave their partner. They might SAY they want to but never have any intention of doing so. Or perhaps they genuinely do want to to leave their partner but can never find the right time to break the family up. Married people may have a lot to lose if they divorce... But that would be a whole other article. And it's always very sad for the person who puts their life on hold waiting for their lover who never seems quite ready to take that plunge. 2) Married people who DO leave their spouses may find that their lives get very messy and chaotic once they start divorce proceedings. They may lose their Kensington home, lose access to their children, they might even lose their children's love or respect and the respect of their friends and family. The affair partner will get caught up in all these hostilities. 3) The affair partner may never be accepted by cheaters family. They will simply be seen as a home-wrecker or gold-digger or nymphomaniac etc etc. Be prepared to receive a very frosty reception from step-children, in-laws, siblings and friends. Many of them will be very fond of the jilted spouse. And even if the affair participants think they have been really discreet... everyone will know eventually. If the cheater has been pretending to those around them that their marriage is fine, everyone will suspect an affair if they suddenly ask their spouse for a divorce. People aren't stupid. 3) Guilt. Couples whose relationship started out as an affair often feel intense guilt. The person who left their partner may feel guilt and grief for the hurt they caused their ex-partner or children or family. Their new partner has to deal with their own guilt of being the "cause" of their new partner's grief.4) Trust. Some people are never able to fully trust their new partner when they know that he/she was prepared to deceive and cheat on their previous partner on multiple occasions. And they live in constant fear that their partner will cheat on them too.And those were the only ones I could think of...You may notice that on this list I HAVEN'T included two people discovering that they're incompatible once they're living together. And this seems to be the main focus of these postsThey talk about dealing with dirty socks, the mundaneness of paying bills, arguing over Netflix, seeing their partner all grumpy and dishevelled in the morning etc etc etc. Now, it may be true that living together for the first time might prove to be challenging for many couples BUT... This is NOT a problem unique to relationships born out of affairs. It could happen to any couple regardless of their history.Ruby Birtle (now known as Rita Brown)
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female
reader, Stoneruby  +, writes (25 May 2022):
 Sometimes the cheating partner really does love their spouse. For whatever reason they decided to dip their toe in the pool only to find out they were drowning would would run back to them if only if they would let them. The other 'woman/man' may have the new relationship but not the person as they still hold a candle for the husband/wife. So the fiddler will be the second fiddle to the ex.
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