A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have a girlfriend who has suffered a life time of trauma. 1st from her mother then the next two relashionships. This trauma ranges from hospitalizing abuse to flat out abandoment far from home. She dosent really stand up for herself as well as I expected her to. She puts up a strong I can do anything a man can do front. Any how I've been made aware that I have not been lissening to what she tells me as well as she needs me to. She was able to give me a couple examples and now knowing what an issue they were im inclined to agree. She asked me to get my things out and leave because she was scared of how I was going to react after she confronted me on the issues at hand. Being me I instantly responded to this text with its going to break my heart but if thats what u need ill go. My car was on empty and I wasent getting payed till 2am the next morning soni looked to her dresser where I had left money for her to cover her rent if she needed it and apparently she did because it was all gone. I tryed telling her im out of gas and you needed all the money I left for you what should I do. No response I made 3 attempts to text her again and one to call. I hear her and some guys at the door. She is not one to promote violence but 3 guys who don't like you because there either jealous or want to be able to take advantage of her and you prevent that from being possible is a bed mix. I open the door and ask what are you doing. She handed me one of the hundreds I left on the dresser for gas and one of them tryes to come into the house. I say o no your not coming in here. He then started to charge at me I tryed to push hes too fat so I threw him into the table behind me. Worried about her and how this was going to effect her instead of kicking this man in the head to nock him out I lock myself in her room and tell her I'm not coming out till you get rid of them and ill call the cops. I'm told through the door cops are already on there way and she make 2 of the three leave. Trusting her I come out and ask what were you thinking. I'm angry she has never seen me angry at anybody or anything. Her trauma kicks in toand she starts saying how worthless and stupid she is. I normaly correct her this time being upset I simply said I know you would never want this to happen but what the hell did you think they were going to do. Police showed up and put me in hand cuffs as im trying to pack. I'm told that tencnicaly I had residence did not have to leave and could press charges if I wanted that one of them men clamed I had hit her but she repeatedly stated that was a lie that I had never done anything like that to her. I left when I didn't have to didn't press charges when I probably should have. I just wanted to make her feel safe and to see her smile again. Next day I inform her im going to come get some of my work idems I had left behind and would work with her on me getting the rest of my things. We are still a couple. Her friends tell her to throw all my stuff on the curb she talk the situashion down to putting it in boxes by her car. I am uninformed of this move and don't have means of storing these idems at this time. I call the authority's and have to make her put my things back inside. She had a look of gilt on her face and did so with no conflict she was very polite abd nervous. That night repeatedly apologies in text for her actions tell me she was pressured into it. I reassure her im not mad im just hurt that things have been blown so out of perspective. I told her I just want to make sure things like that don't happen again. She states she needed them to help her so she could feel safe I argue with her its not healthy for her to bring 3 men to hand me part of my money so I can leave when I said I would pack and leave with no arguments. She insisted she needed them there. Am I being inconsiderate to tell her I only want her bringing one person in this type of situashion. Is not being able to talk with me after all of this somthing I need to continue to be sensitive about?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2022): I would say that there is more to this whole situation than meets the eye.
Fortunately for you most of this has blown over.
I must add that I don't think you are a couple anymore.
So don't expect to fix her or anything else.
Just move on and be glad that you didn't have a lifetime of it.
You have been in a situation where you have been thinking of both her and yourself.
Basically you have been ' impact - managing'!
I would assume a third party involvement in some capacity but she is not willing to be open and honest about it.
If, no one else was involved then none of it would make any sense.
So, rather than seek the truth, you should just accept that she is a bit too dodgy to be good for you.
You will find it much more pleasant to meet someone without the excess emotional bagage.
She would not be good marriage material!
And I strongly suspect you will be meeting someone with a greater capacity to longterm commitment and that would be someone who wants to add to your life and together with yourself you will probably find you will move along a much clearer path in life.
Move on.
No regrets.
No explanations
And no reason to create excuses for her.
Just tell yourself it's over and you will be open to meeting someone new.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2022): She has serious issues and you cannot help her.
Unfortunately, people like her are unstable and can wreak havoc in other people's lives. That's just a fact not a judgement.
Don't be offended by her needing support of "3 men", but be aware that a big part of that is also just drama she needs, the attention she needs...
The sad part is that people liek her have suffered through so much and that they need help, but at the same time they can be toxic for others.
One of my friends suffers from the borderline personality disorder. She had a terrible childhood and she herself suffers a lot (mood swings, anxiety, depression...). I know she means well, BUT, she's soooo unstable and creates so much drama all the time. It's exhausting. And it is dangerous fo rthose close to her. She has used her bfs both emotionally AND financially.
Count yourself lucky. You would spent your LIFE trying to fix hers.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 May 2022):
 OP, she sounds like she needs a lot of help that YOU CAN NOT give her.
You are not a psychiatrist or therapist and that is what she needs.
However, I can't fault someone for bringing backup JUST IN CASE, to feel safe. If all she has known are abusive people, she isn't going to trust ANYONE's words.
My advice? Get your stuff and get far away from her. BLOCK her on everything and move on.
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