A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I love coming here. I've been getting great advice. :o) So I'm back again.My hubby and I (ok mostly me) seem to be having on going issues. I really need someone to help me understand because my hubby can't (or won't). Let me say that my hubby is wonderful in so many ways. He's a hard worker and great provider. When I cry he wipes the tears away (for the most part), he listens to me when I talk (even though I can sense him fading out....LOL), the list of great attributes goes on. I love him more than life itself.I've noticed over the last few months that he hasn't been as affectionate as usual, less and less cuddle time unless I ask for it, and less sex unless I ask for it. At one point in time this man couldn't keep his hands off of me. By nature he is very tactile. Not lately though. When ever I mention it to him, he gets defensive, and shuts down. Today he flew off at me about how he's getting tired of not being able to do anything right. I asked him to please explain what he means. He just shut down again. He told me that I need to learn how to ask him without accusing him. I get that I need to work on the tone of my voice when asking him questions...however....I feel that he is being over sensitive. All I want to know is why this is happeneing. The one response I got from him was this " well, let me ask you something, how would you feel if you came home from backshift wanting to cuddle with me, but I was sound asleep in bed rolled up in such a position that cuddling with me would be like cuddling with a bump on a log?" I asked him if that was how he felt, and I explained to him what I would do in that situation (being that I would wake him up enough to let him know I'm home and them cuddle with him the best way I could - if I wanted to be close to him bad enough). I was met with "you're missing the point" which seemed to have aggitated him further. I'm not a guy!!! I don't think like one.....HELP!!!!btw...I should also add that he told me he doesn't need to receive affection from me on a daily basis, and he would be ok if I didn't call him or text him while he is working (we both do our fair share of it, but he is a truck driver and on his down time at work, can talk for hours if he wants). I don't bombard him any more than he does me. I respect that he's at work. So then I asked him if he would be upset if I suggested a trial seperation. He said "of course I would". Yet he doesn't seem to need affection from me.....I'm sooooooooooo confused and not sure what to think and defintately don't get his point.....HELP!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): Ah, a guy who hates 'the tone.' my fiance is the same way. Unfortunately, i have bad allergies and with the pollen this year, just about everything i say can be misinterpreted as having 'the tone.' if you think you may have allergies (this allergy season there has been so much pollen in the air that people who have never had seasonal allergy symptoms, now do) get an ocer the counter anti-histamine and see if it helps with 'the tone' he perceives you to be using.
A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (27 June 2012):
 Plus, I understand the long hours of driving truck and all, but I do not understand what the big deal is with a phone call or text. I can understand why he doesn't want constant texts/calls, but doesn't he want to communicate with you on a daily basis? If the answer to that question is "no" then what exactly does he think marriage is? He is gone all week, he doesn't want to communicate with you at all, he doesn't want closeness with you, he doesn't want to be affectionate. What kind of marriage is that? Just my thoughts. I work and I am tired too, but marriage is supposed to be your refuge from the rest of the world. It is supposed to be the safe place you go. While some amount of understanding is needed, some amount of work on his part is needed too.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (27 June 2012):
I do not know if you are smothering him or not because I do not know all of the dynamics of your relationship. I do know that I have been in the position of wanting more affection and intimate time with a man and he will not reciprocate. I think some men are just like this and they will not change for anyone. However, when your man used to be like that, and he turns cold, it can be quite devastating. When you are desperate for affection from the man you love, you do become needy...even if you don't intend to. I know that from experience. Has your husband been working more lately or had more stress? Women want to help their husbands, but you can't help a man when he continues to want more time for himself, no affection, and just wants to be left alone. The only thing you might do is tell him you are sorry about pressuring him when he is so tired or sleeping, but you really miss the closeness with him and would like to get that back. I don't know. Sometimes talking with men just pushes them further away, so it is a tough call on this one. I know I would talk to my man, then he would say I was nagging, but if I didn't nag, he would say "Well, you never said anything about it so how was I to know what you meant/felt?" Sometimes we women cannot win. In the meantime you are dying inside from the lack of intimacy/closeness and growing further away from him everyday. I agree you can bombard a man (I do not necessarily think this is what you are doing), but when you are going on weeks without any kind word, any affection, or any alone time together and you feel you are roommates instead of husband and wife, I think you have a right to speak up.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (27 June 2012):
 You don't say how long you've been together so it seems like you would have known by now if he truly didn't need alot of affection. My husband is like this but I've known since day one that he doesn't need alot of affection while I, on the other hand do. It's been a constant battle between us and sometimes he gets better, and sometimes I just suck it up. However if this is a new symptom in your marriage it warrants some scrutiny. Maybe he's under pressure at work or worried about money. Maybe he feels bored or restless in the relationship. Some men don't do well with "routines" and they tend to withdraw when they're bored. It might be time to plan a little week-end getaway.It doesn't have to be elaborate or expensive just breaking out of the routine can sometimes put the spark back into the relationship. It's so easy to get caught up in the day to day that the romance feels like an effort, not worth making. And the last question you have to ask is this; Is there a new female at his job or a new female client that may be giving him some attention, causing him to pull back from you? If you don't feel it's another woman, I woudl defnately plan some time away as a couple. If he doesn't go for that, then plan your own vacation and go have some fun. Maybe when you return he'll realize he missed you and start acting normal again. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (27 June 2012):
 No wonder he is showing you less affection and less sexual attention - you're smothering him!
Then you get resentful at his withdrawal and cross-examine him about his behavior and diminished demonstrativeness.
Look: if he's been out all day driving his truck and comes home tired and is in bed asleep, but you want to cuddle, so you wake him up "just enough" to let him know you're home and can snuggle.......but "just enough" can be and evidently is, "too much" as far as he's concerned. It often is hard to get back to sleep once someone has woken you up, you know.
He's told you he doesn't want you to call or text him when he's working, and you say you don't "bombard" him any more than he does you. Okay. Why don't you try NOT calling or texting while he's at work?
Your best bet now is to just back off. Don't criticize him or question him (unless he actually gets abusive or does something SERIOUSLY wrong). Give him some space. Once he feels you're no longer pressuring him with your own needs he may be more inclined to warm up to you in time.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (27 June 2012):
Sounds to me as though your husband feels somewhat smothered by you at times and is therefore making himself less "available."
Then you get resentful at his withdrawal and cross-examine him about his behavior and diminished demonstrativeness.
Look: if he's been out all day driving his truck and comes home tired and was in bed asleep, but you want to cuddle, so you wake him up "just enough" to let him know you're home and can snuggle.......but "just enough" can be and evidently is, "too much" as far as he's concerned. It often is hard to get back to sleep once someone has woken you up, you know.
He's told you he doesn't want you to call or text him when he's working, and you say you don't "bombard" him any more than he does you. Okay. Why don't you try NOT
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