A
male
age
36-40,
*1w2e3
writes:Hi guys, I'm in a deep situation where me and my gf have been pretty much forced to break up... I need any ADVICE or MOTIVATION to get over this please... I've been thru break ups where the feeling is mutual or one of us does not want to be with one another. BUT this is clearly not like that... so I'm very confused on what to do.. let me beggin with our backgrounds... Technically we have broken up, but for convenience im just going to name her my GF rather than ex..I'm 22 and my gf is 20.. We were together for 9 months. A couple of days ago, her parents found out that we are having sex, and not only that, but also found out she's on the pill.. No they did not walk in on us or anything like that, her mum actually found her packet of pills and researched it up n found out they were contraceptive... my gf started to take the pill due to my suggestion and was never on it before she met me.. This was a shock to her parents, and rightfully so, i'm not arguing that at all. My gf is still living with her parents and who have strong family values and religous (catholic) values, the fact that her mum has never seen my gf as someone to have sex with me due to us only being together for 9 months, regardless when we started doing it, let alone being on medication to control birth, made her parents make this redical decision...I still love her, and everything i have thought about equals to this break up being very premature and not right. But i can't convince her to not listen to her parents.. She does say that she still loves me, but its best if we become friends.. I think to my self, knowing her parents, there is no way this can workout so soon, due to wat has happened. It sucks completely not to mention her parents was great to me and welcomed me in their home everytime. Now, they think completely different of me, and thougt i was fully pressuring their daughter into doing things, coz she was never like that.. I have come to terms and said to my self, even though i love her very much and still want her as my girl, I need to move on and not linger on possibilities of being with her again, coz ITS OUT OF MY CONTROL... She says we can still be great friends, but i dont think its a good idea, it kills me just hearing her voice on the phone knowing that i cant be with her..What should i do to get over a relationship that was broken up prematurely, and getting things back to what it was is OUT OF MY CONTROL? Please any help or advice is much appreciated.. Thankyou all in advance
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): I have a somewhat similar situation; I just went through a terrible break-up caused by something completely out of my control. I had been dating my ex for a little over 2 1/2 years and was convinced that I would spend the rest of my life with him. His parents never really liked me because I wasn't Korean, but I figured that if they really wanted me out of their son's life, they would have done something by now. Last Thursday (6 days ago)I was supposed to meet him at his place to go to a party together. He called me before I left my place and told me he was on his way over to my house because he really needed to talk to me about something. To make a really long story short, he told me that we have to future together because of his parents and that it made no sense to stay together when it was bound to end eventually. He kept saying "I wish it didn't have to be like this, but this is the only way." What really confused me was that the whole time he was breaking up with me, he was hysterically crying. At one point he could barely breathe. He kept saying that he loved me so much and that he was really going to miss me. Looking back on how the break-up went, it really feels to me like he didn't want to end it, but felt like he had no choice because of his parents. What hurts is that I thought I was worth more to him. If he really loved me, wouldn't he stand up to his parents? I am completely heartbroken and don't know how I'm going to get over this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009): Based on the way she's reacting you're probably lucky to have gotten out of the relationship when you did. Someone like that will always let themselves be controlled and it would have caused problems sooner or later. I say forget about her and don't waste your time hanging around someone who is just going to bring unwanted drama and negative emotions into your life.
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries  +, writes (15 July 2009):
 wow yeah i can see where you are coming from there i mean bringing her ex into the picture.
it's like she's not even bothered by what her parents have done to yours and hers relationship its like she doesn't mind her parents have stepped in and ended this relationship with you.
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A
male
reader, q1w2e3 +, writes (15 July 2009):
q1w2e3 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks heaps for everyone to write in.. It definitely made me feel better that to know i'm not the only person who thinks i was not to fully blame for this.. I mean i think every child will eventually have things in their life that they keep away from their parents... I just find it very unlucky of me n my gf that we got caught out this way.. Even though i do feel a bit harsh done by with what her parents want out of it..But yeah we are trying to sort this out somehow, but has not been easy.. she is slowly listening in to what her parents have to say about me, and slowly applying it to every problem that we had in the past.. I find it like she is finding reasons to not be with me due to her parents.. And to add insult to injury, i found out that yesterday she got picked up by her ex bf (before me) from her work place and she got dropped home.. when we were together, her ex bf was never in the picture coz we both disliked him.. I know it may not seem much.. but that gesture makes it clear for me that she is trying to move on already by doing things that will make her forget about me.. I just think that just because her parents found out about this, it Should NOT make her feel less of me.... or me less of her... It should not affect the way we feel for each other.. but i see it as clearly does.. I'm very disappointed in the lack of support i'm getting from her.. I feel like im fighting a battle on my own, and she don't got my back anymore..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): I am very sorry for you particularly as you sound as if both you and your girlfriend have been completely sensible in your approach to sex - unlike so many people. You love each other and sex within a loving relationship, at an age of consent is perfectly normal. Unfortunately your gf's parents are deeply religious and they are imposing their beliefs on your girlfriend. Your girlfriend is being blindly loyal to her parents out of duty however this will not make her happy. What happens in her next relationship? or the one after that? Does she have to discuss her sex life with her parents each time? I think you are both too old to have to justify yourselves but then I am not catholic. If your girlfriend has chosen to break up and be loyal to her parents wishes then the only thing you can do is honour that. By giving your girlfriend the respect and space she requires you will demonstrate greater maturity and perhaps your actions will show her parents you are serious about her. Could you write to them? Explain your feelings? She may need time to realise that her happiness is in her own hands and that the absence of your relationship will show her what she has thrown away. Its a long shot but your only hope. Don't put your life on hold in the meantime. This was not your chosen religion.
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A
male
reader, dddddddd +, writes (14 July 2009):
Your girlfriend is an adult at 20 years old and doesn't have to do what her parents tell her to do. She is obviously choosing to abide by her parents wishes.You should talk to her and explain that being friends is too big a step back from what you were and that it is too difficult and painful. Hearing that she might realise that if you stay broken up she will lose you altogether.
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (14 July 2009):
to be honest this is absolutely absurd how can a family tell a girl to break up with a guy due to her being sexually active?
and how can the girl take it?
it's upto her she's 20 years old as am i! my dad lets me make my own descisions he knows i am now an adult and can make my own mistakes and hopefully learn from them.
she is 20 years old there is no way these parents should interfere with her relationship it's her life if she chose to sleep with you then that's her choice!
the parents need to get over the fact that she is NOT a little girl anymore and she can make her OWN mind up.
best thing for you to do at this time is give yourself time and space on your own for a while gather your thoughts and feelings and figure out what you want to do next then if in time you feel you can be friends with her then so be it become her friend.
her parents are totally in the wrong here no way should they allow a break up on their own terms whether or not they are religious it's there daughters choice and they should respect her privacey.
i hope this helps i know it's tough on you because of the situation but you need to plod on :)
if you want to talk further please don't hesitate to message me.
x ilovebowsandcherries x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): Time heals all woundsI had an almost identical situation happen with me, except we were slightly younger and no sex was involved. Her parents didn't allow her to date at all (even though they knew me and liked me very much).I think that being friends with her right now is a bad idea. Her parents will most likely make you feel uncomfortable and being around her will just bring up painful emotions. Just get her out of your mind as much as possible. My ex's parents made me feel very uncomfortable b/c I wasn't Jewish and it caused problems. Trust me you don't want a relationship with a girl who's parents hate you.There will be pain and you will hurt, that's a granted. But it won't last forever. I had a break up that I almost let kill me. Looking back I can't even remember why I even cared about losing her. Getting distance helps. Don't spend any time with her for at least a few months. This will give some separation from the relationship so that if you do want to see her periodically after that then you have let the reality that you two are no longer a couple sink in and your attitude will hopefully be a bit better about the situation.I know this sucks but you will get through it. Just try remember that every relationship should teach you something and you will always have pleasant memories to look back on. Instead of looking back on what you're missing just think about that perfect girl that's out there waiting for you. Over 3 billion women in the world, you'll eventually find a girl who you can't live without. You'll find a girl who's touch will be pure magic and by then you won't even remember the hurt you feel right now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): I am very sorry for you particularly as you sound as if both you and your girlfriend have been completely sensible in your approach to sex - unlike so many people. You love each other and sex within a loving relationship, at an age of consent is perfectly normal. Unfortunately your gf's parents are deeply religious and they are imposing their beliefs on your girlfriend. Your girlfriend is being blindly loyal to her parents out of duty however this will not make her happy. What happens in her next relationship? or the one after that? Does she have to discuss her sex life with her parents each time? I think you are both too old to have to justify yourselves but then I am not catholic. If your girlfriend has chosen to break up and be loyal to her parents wishes then the only thing you can do is honour that. By giving your girlfriend the respect and space she requires you will demonstrate greater maturity and perhaps your actions will show her parents you are serious about her. Could you write to them? Explain your feelings? She may need time to realise that her happiness is in her own hands and that the absence of your relationship will show her what she has thrown away. Its a long shot but your only hope. Don't put your life on hold in the meantime. This was not your chosen religion.
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