A
female
age
30-35,
*aisy92
writes:me and my boyfriend have been living together for 2 months now after 6 months of being together. The 6 months where incredible best 6 months of my life and he really and truly did treat me like a princess but ever since we started living together he changed, at first everything was just over controlling but now its violent and threatening. I was just about to leave him but i have discovered i am pregnant! what am i meant to do? nobody knows i am pregnant but my female bestfriend. she is trying to make me leave him but i am in love with him i just want to know whats up with the change. He also keeps drinking like every night and bringing his friends back to our home. He has once tried to treat me like there stripper and try to get me to take my clothes off. But each night when he acts like a jerk the next day he will treat me nicer then ever! and if i was to leave i would miss that so much, i just need the drink to stop really. How can i help him?
View related questions:
stripper, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (6 July 2011):
 hey ... at least he says sorry the next day ... some don't even bother to do that ...
just tell him how sad you are, and that if he can't stop drinking, you'll have to leave. see what he does.
you can't risk him hurting you while you're pregnant. you will have to move out if he doesn't change.
beg him to stop drinking. but also understand that he is like this. without the drink, he will probably be unusually quiet, and may also from time to time still be aggressive. but for sure with the drink it is a million times worse.
the sad thing is, you totally aren't alone. there is a specific type of man who is like this. they all do pretty much exactly the same thing. i imagine getting him to a doc will be impossible, so you just have to give him your own ultimatum. and i wouldn't tell him about the baby yet.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 July 2011):
 Is "Chronic Phase" an oxymoron? I just love oxymorons...
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 July 2011):
 Why exactly did you even come up with a problem here if its just a "phase"?
Iv seen a previous question by you on the same date as this one, http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-my-bf-being-overprotective-or-just-very.html
You obviously either dont want the advice given to you, or you just dont care. You have the same follow up saying that you love him and are still with him. Great then, if that's what you want. If love solves everything for you, why the repeated questions here?
There was an answer given by you as well in reply to this question:(http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-stay-with-him-until-i-leave.html), where you say you have no trust on your BF because you caught him with some girls over a year back.
Seems to be a long phase.
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (6 July 2011):
 We cannot cure stupid.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 July 2011):
 I sure hope that 'phase' that began when you started living together is finished before the baby is born, otherwise that 'phase' is going to ensure the baby grows up in a nasty violent vicious household, the baby will be stuffed before it is born, if a boy he will grow up beleiving punching the crap out of females ensures their everlasting lurvvv and if its a girl she will grow up beleiving the only way to be lurrrvvved is to have the crap beaten out of her.
Good luck with that hey.
...............................
A
female
reader, Angelbunny5  +, writes (5 July 2011):
When hes not drunk ask him: would you stop drinking if i was pregnant.and if he says yes then tell him u are.but if he doesnt stop and he wont change break-up with him and find a new bf and marry him or abort the child.id go with marriage cause aborting ur own child is painful.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 July 2011):
Rent one of those big sumo wrestling suits, the inflatable kind and put it on. Then tell your boyfriend you have a bun in the oven. This way when he beats the crap out of you you'll still be in good shape to enjoy the next day when he will be supper nice. In fact you may as well BUY the suit because you'll be needing it on a daily basis. Look into baby sumo suits too, because guys like your boyfriend quite often like to beat up on little children as well.
...............................
A
female
reader, Maisy92 +, writes (5 July 2011):
Maisy92 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou all. i am still with him, call me what you like but i am in love with him and i think its just a phase. now i am just unsure on how to tell him that i am pregnant?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2011): I know that you love him and that when he treats you well it feels better than anything in the world. It's like an addiction--the highs are fabulous, but they really don't make up for all the awful times in between.
I was in a 12-year relationship like yours and leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done. Eventually I realized that living in constant fear that he would hurt me or our children was not normal, and that life without him was way, way better that the roller coaster ride I'd been on.
Your friend is right--get out now while you can.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2011): Everyone else is right--you CANNOT "help" him to change. Unless HE decides to change, he will not. And that means that the violence and threats will only get worse. Abusive men are very good at pretending to be "Prince Charmings". They will sweep you off your feet, until you are hooked. Then you see the abusive side. Your bf is manipulative. He seems very convincing in his next-day apologies, but think about how often he's told you "it will never happen again". And no matter how hard he tries to convince you otherwise, he doesn't care. About you, or your health, or your psychological well-being. Because someone who loves you won't hurt you like that, ever, and won't continue to hurt you day after day. Take your friend's advice and get out NOW while you can. But I would advise you NOT to tell him that you're pregnant until after you've left and are safe. According to the March of Dimes, abuse often gets worse during pregnancy. An abusive man who punches or kicks his partner's abdomen can seriously injure the baby, or cause a miscarriage. Don't risk it.And please keep us updated.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2011): HiCome on get your head sorted out, you now have a baby to think about...You will not /can not/ change him/ FACT! but he can change himself. It is not your job to take care of him ,it is your job to take care of YOU! and to take care of your baby and this is also HIS job to take care of both of you and himself.Now down to another REALITY. I think you should now decide what you are going to do about your pregnancy, do you need to find suitable accomodation without loads of drunken jerks in the house and a so called man who treats you like a princess, encouraging you to strip for his mates? What about his violence? what about his control? Does he work? You need to tell him that you are carrying his baby and what is he going to do about been a father because up to press you both need A REALITY CHECK....forget princess talkload of rubbish, treating you nicer after drunken violence load of rubbish, I am not trying to hurt you but trying to wake you up to reality, you deserve better than this and most certainly a new baby does.I would give him the news tell him your expectations and give him the chance to live up to them, inform him that the violence must stop or you will report him to the police, your not a punch bag are you? The drunken nights must stop and his control are you not a free spirit? .If he is not prepared to change himself then you help yourself and leave....you want a good life don't you?Good luck and i hope all goes well, but you must stay strong on this or you will have a sxxx life...and you're worth morethan that
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2011): Abort the baby and break up. Trust me. I was in exactly your position when I was your age.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2011): You cannot raise him up. He will only bring you down. You walk away and agree to take him back only AFTER he has changed, not with promises he WILL change.This is not a fit environment in which to introduce a child. Your boyfriend's behaviour is absolutely appalling and no amount of being nice afterward will balance it.
...............................
A
female
reader, sammy1986 +, writes (2 July 2011):
i would leave him people like this do not change leave him and bring this baby up on your own it is not as hard as you may think
...............................
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (2 July 2011):
You cannot help nor make him change.
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (2 July 2011):
 He won't change unless he wants to. Him treating you like a princess is just a facade. Abusive people will always lure someone in by treating them right only to shove them away in a violent outburst. Its a cycle that will never stop, especially if he's drinking every night. No one can persuade you to stop loving him, all anyone else can do is persuade you to see why you should leave and why you should ignore your feelings for him. He'll only continue hurting you until you break, and then, you'll be too weak to leave him, too afraid. We can only persuade you to think about yourself and about your unborn child whom, hopefully you will raise in peace and comfort. Look at the way he's treated you already, look at what he's doing to you. Whether it is because of a drink or because that is just his nature, it is unacceptable. If he loves you, make him prove it. Leave him, tell him why and if he loves you, he will make an effort to change his habits.I hope that helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Susie +, writes (2 July 2011):
 You can't change a person. Don't ever believe that you can. The future will be just the past repeated, with a baby in the picture. So RUN RUN RUN. Tell yourself that you deserve so much more from life than you have been getting. Listen to your friend, she is on your side. The way he has treated you is not love. Good luck to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (2 July 2011):
OP, if you dont respect yourself, no one else will. And you clearly have no respect for yourself or your baby. Why else are you tolerating all this shit? Are you so low on self esteem that you cannot see the obvious, that you actually feel this man "loves" you and you need him??!!
This man is a violent, abusive, cheap, disgusting drunk. He has ZERO respect for you. No matter how drunk someone is, how can they ask their partner to strip for others??!! You cannot change him in any way and that's not even your look out. You should take care of yourself and of your unborn child, who you want to bring into this toxic hell. Get out of that house and leave that man. Can you imagine your poor kid being born and brought up in a house where the dad is a nasty drunk and abuses his mom?! Its a nightmare!!
OP, dont get taken in by the "nice" treatment the day after. That's just his way of getting you to stay and forgive him. I cannot believe how easily you have allowed him to manipulate you! I cannot say this enough, MOVE OUT of that place and cut this man out of your life. Take the help of friends and family and just get rid of him.
...............................
A
male
reader, Wesley55 +, writes (2 July 2011):
I hate to say it but this guy probably NEVER cared about you in the frist place and he has just been using your emotions and feelings for him as a system of control. Any man worth his medal wouldn't be violent towards you and certianly not force you to strip in front of his buddies. Move out of his place and get OUT of this situation A.S.A.P. Find some protection for yourself and just leave him without saying a word. You can't change jerks, they will only change and hurt you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (2 July 2011):
You cannot help somebody who doesnt see the need to change. Despite the way he has treated you, with violence and threats and even trying to get you to strip for his friends, which I see as an enormous lack of respect, despite all this you love him.
Why should he change? You are giving him no reason to change. No matter what he does to you, you love him.
What the hell? Do you really love being treated as an object to be shared around his friends? Do you really love being the victim of violence and threats? Do you really want to bring a baby into this toxic environment?
Think very carefully about this. It is less than one year ONE YEAR, and already he treats you like this. Do you want another 40 years of this, and to bring a baby into it, and probably more children.
Get out while you can!
...............................
A
male
reader, Drew21 +, writes (2 July 2011):
 Eh, i suppose there's a possibility that revealing that you're pregnant may act as a wake-up call for him, but i'll be honest.. I think your friend has got the right idea..
Why would you ever want to be with a guy that uses you as a stripper for your friends?
That's messed up, and not respecting you in any way.
Basically, if you really want to be with him, and feel like he can change, then i would lay it down for him. Let him know you're pregnant, tell him you really need his support during this, and that you really need him to stop the drinking cause it's causing a bi-polar relationship that you just don't think you can endure.
It's gonna be a lot for him to process. He may not be able to handle it, but i don't see how you have any other choice?
...............................
|
